Bring on the Christmas Cheer -

One of my favorite quotes for this time of year -

“Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love.” - Hamilton Wright Mabie, American essayist, critic

Thanks Giving - Prayers -

I adore Thanksgiving. And I love spending my Thanksgiving with the people I adore. I cannot think of a holiday that brings me closer to my softer side than this one. Sometimes I need to be forcefully stopped in order to really think about more than just the moment (I've become quite good at staying in the moment - not nearly so overwhelming). So when I have cause to pause, for four days, I can't help but think about the goodness that is inside me and surrounds me.

There are three Thanksgiving songs and prayers that come to mind that say what I think and feel better than with my own words:

"There is a time for every season and every purpose under heaven. A time for family and friends, a time for happy memories and thankful hearts, time for traditions and blessings shared. Thank you for the many reasons I have to give thanks." (Psalms +)

"For health and strength and daily food we praise thy name, O Lord."

1. Come, ye thankful people, come;
   Raise the song of harvest home.
   All is safely gathered in
   Ere the winter storms begin.
   God, our Maker, doth provide
   For our wants to be supplied.
   Come to God's own temple, come;
   Raise the song of harvest home.

I am smitten by the fact that we have a national holiday to give thanks. Whether we have similar Higher Powers or not, stopping to acknowledge the goodness in our lives is good. Rather than finding fault and looking at the terrors and deprivation around us, we must be grateful, otherwise we live in a victim mode, and I refuse to be a victim. I am too blessed to be depressed. May you find moments over these next few days to give thanks. 


“In the end, though, maybe we must all give up trying to pay back the people in this world who sustain our lives. In the end, maybe it's wiser to surrender before the miraculous scope of human generosity and to just keep saying thank you, forever and sincerely, for as long as we have voices.”

Dancing Mashup -

I grew up surrounded by music. One of my first memories is of my parents teaching dance lessons on the cement floor in our unfinished basement. I remember Dad sprinkling the floor with sawdust, sitting on the fireplace hearth, watching people dance. My parents met through dancing. They danced quite a bit as young marrieds, even teaching youth groups. They are beautiful together on the dance floor. They know, in their hearts, how to move, how to read each other, how to help each other. I love watching them dance.

As a family we went to plenty of musicals, whether professionals coming to town (IF, Rexburg) or local - high school, college. I can sing most of the tunes to plenty of these oldies - South Pacific, Westside Story, Finnegan's Rainbow, Camelot, Sound of Music, Music Man, Dr. Zhivago, Man of La Mancha, Fiddler on the Roof. And we watched musicals and musical variety shows on TV, including Lawrence Welk. Oh, the lovely innocence of these shows (for a young girl who didn't look for hidden innuendos). 

I can sing, and I have rhythm, but I was never good enough or brave enough to put myself on stage. So I opted to be a set-designer, choreographer, pianist during my high school years. I did act in one play - a melodrama, put on for my church congregation. I was the heroine, my boyfriend (not LDS - yikes) was the hero. We kissed at the end of the play. Oh so sweet, and so forward of me! 

My parents wanted all of us kids to marry guys/gals who danced, so we could dance together. None of us did.

And - closet reveal - I like Glee (well, did for about the first 4 seasons). In my next life I will be a dancer; I love the music, the moves, the coordination, the feeling of being light on my feet. But for the meantime, and I'm in no hurry, I love the restoration of reels with the old tunes and the old actors and actresses and the old dance. Oldies, but goodies! And I really really love the mash-ups, juxtapositioning the old with the new - think A Knight's Tale (so sensual, so touching, so very very innovative). Like this one - Enjoy. 

Bringing Tidings Conclusion - Lessons -

So now – 2 ½ years post-treatment - I am still learning, but I am implementing the "Life is great. My plate is full, but I wouldn't choose another way" lifestyle. And - I've learned to say "No," even to things I really want to be a part of. And I haven't lost any opportunities to grow, so it must be OK to say no! I’ve learned to live for today – in the moment, because tomorrow will come, whether I worry about it or not.

All the situations in our lives, from the insignificant to the major, conspire to teach us exactly what we need to be learning at any given time. Patience, compassion, perseverance, honesty, letting go—all these are covered in the lessons of cancer. 

I had dinner one evening, the night prior to my last chemo, with two friends. We were talking about life’s lessons, and what we were learning from the experiences we were having. In my innocence I said, “I am living this cancer as intensely as I can, because I want to learn every lesson cancer has for me to learn. So when treatments are finished, I can move on.”  Both friends smiled, and said, “Oh Ronda, cancer will be teaching you for the rest of your life. There will be plenty of lessons you can learn from it.” And dang it – they were telling the truth!

If we can be firmly rooted in the present, and not stress what's lost, or what might have been, or what could be, but calmly move forward, one moment at a time, we will find what we thought we had lost. Or we can at least be OK with losing, because it is part of being found.

I believe we will understand more if we never assume we've arrived at the place where we know. We can reach a point where we are reasonably confident, enough to take action. But I believe human progression depends on always being open to new information, new insights, new possibilities, more lessons. If we are too certain, we might stop asking questions. And if we stop asking questions, we might stop altogether.

In my humble opinion – I  have learned these lessons, as well as the ones mentioned – I have learned to live today today; to be patient with myself and others; to be gentle yet bold; to be authentic. To fall, get up, and begin again. Life is good.

John Banse, April 15, 2013, Boston Marathon Survivor said, "My soul is so full of gratitude that there is no room in me for sadness, anger, or fear." I can say the same. 

Bringing Tidings 4 - Joy -

JOY

Life is beautiful, even in the pain there is beauty –

I have spoken with many survivors of various types of cancer. A theme that is consistent no matter what stage or course of treatment they had, is post-treatment phase of recovery, or "finding the new normal." There is good reason this phrase is repeated so often by us, and frankly by anyone who has endured a trauma or loss. While our loved ones might want to see us recover and resume our lives as close to how they were before as possible (for good and loving reasons), the truth may be that parts of us will simply never be the same.

Finding the new normal is often job number one following a treatment. I know how hard it can be to reassemble the pieces of a life following a long and exhausting treatment. While the good news for many of us is survival, there are new concerns and challenges (lymphedema, prosthesis, surgeries, neuropathy, and constipation). And just as unique as these are to each of us, so too will be the way in which (and depth to which) cancer touches our lives. But one thing is for sure, it touches something, and getting to the new normal takes time, patience, effort, and a good bit of help.

Life used to have one shape, now it has another. I used to do, think, feel one way, and now those things either don't work or no longer feel right. But the new perimeters do not reveal themselves like a runway in the dark, all lit up, and they can't be found with the ease of a Google search. No, the process of recovery, and rediscovery, is one of patience, honest assessment, acceptance and a lot of self-care (and self-love).

Still, there are days when I am sad. I cry. I hurt. I ache for me, for the innocent Ronda who was about to undergo a life-change she could not comprehend. Cancer is a bitch - and that day, and with the days that followed I lost any remaining innocence I may have had. I'm still in shock - I want to apologize to the 20 pound lighter, 53 year old Ronda, with natural blonde hair, for all she went through. I want to hold her in my arms, hug her, cuddle her, let her know she is loved. 

The result of our cancer is a new shape. If this happens at a slow enough pace, it is not overly stressful. You take it in one move at a time. And in that pain, and because of that pain, the joy - oh boy, the joy is immeasurable. Believe me. 

Bringing Tidings 3 - Comfort -

COMFORT

Vulnerability is valuable –

Kurt Vonnegut said,

Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard.

Do not let pain make you hate.

Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness.

Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree,

you still believe it to be a beautiful place.

When I am at my weakest, I am my most vulnerable. I am fearing my own fear. Bitterness definitely steals my sweetness. Yet being vulnerable can be so rewarding, and beneficial. This is when friends and family, others can be by my side, supporting me – reaching out for meals, errands, cleaning, seeing me in my pj’s or sweats, no makeup, no hair – being brave and vulnerable enough to cry.

I have learned how to be comfortable with uncertainty. I learned how to have faith. I learned I wasn’t in control, and that was OK. Uncertainty became my middle name, but I knew my support system and my Higher Power had my back.

I had to learn what “need” really meant, and be fine with needing and wanting others.

Vulnerability taught me how to be humble. All games were tossed to the side, all of my facades were broken down, and there I was, in my nakedness, in my authentic self.

Life is precious. Not because it is unchangeable. To love life means to love its vulnerability, asking for care, attention, guidance, and support. Life and death are connected by vulnerability and remind us of the preciousness of our lives. I have had to trust my intuition on this journey, working at my own pace, and asking as many questions as I could. And I’ve found out life has all (well, most of) the answers.

“Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” CS Lewis

Vulnerability = Intimacy

Bringing Tidings 2 - Support -

SUPPORT

I am stronger than I ever thought I was, and I have learned how to ask for help –

As soon as I was diagnosed, I invited a group of friends over for a Sunday evening boob party. My desire was to be surrounded by folks who could help me with answers, with prayers, positive energy, and who were “move-the-body friends.” And I loved the support.

Brene Brown says we all need a “move-the-body friend,” someone who is going to show up and wade through the deep with them. She says this is a person who loves you not despite your vulnerability, but because of it.

I have several of these friends and family, who have supported me along many of my life transitions/lessons, and who still show up for me. Three are here this evening -  

Scott - He teaches me daily. He adores me. I am the most important thing/person in the world. Through him I am learning I can be loved, I am loveable. He saved me by saving himself; he has taught me about unconditional love. He is my first. He has taught me to have "more heart" and "love is stronger than terror." He has taught me I don't need to be strong alone, that we can be stronger together.

Jenna – I had the opportunity to rear my best friend - she is my gift. She kept me out of the cancer mode by sharing her daily life with me. When we were together, I was not a breast cancer patient; I was Mom. 

Mom – as much as I didn’t want to need her, I needed her. She held my head, my hands, fed us - put pounds on Scott and me, and kept me honest.

I had folks around me who said, "You sure were a bitch today, worse that you've ever been, but I know tomorrow will be better, I love you, I'm here for you, go take a nap, let’s go for a walk."

With loss, losing, finding, moving forward in newness, in gratitude for constancy and change, I think we need each other – women tend and befriend (mothers, daughters, husbands, wives, friends, support).

I also found out what I was made of, and I became my own friend. I had the strength inside of me to help me. I've learned lots about myself in all of this. I've had to turn inward to find strength to make it day to day.

I'm coming to the realization that what I had been searching for, for so many years, is deep inside me. I'm still finding that. “Being still” is a lesson I'm learning. Turning inside, pulling myself up, searching my own psyche rather than the internet, has brought me peace, a time for reflection. The support I have had has allowed me time to be pensive, reflective, hesitant. What I've learned is that I needed time and space for meditating, sorting, and sifting, bringing answers to questions. How often do any of us really take the time to stop and look inside? I believe we are "outsource" driven, looking for someone, something, somewhere, that we fail to realize that often our answer is deep within. 

Have you heard or shared the phrase, "God doesn't give you more than you can handle"? Oh my goodness, I really hate this phrase, and all of its cousins - "God must sure love you to give you this trial," is one of those nasty versions. Or how about these, after the "trial," "What did you learn?" "Have you learned your lesson, yet?"

Hardships such as bad health, sick kids, anxiety, cancer, these are things of this world - and so we deal with the natural consequences that come with this world. God doesn't give these to us, we don't ask for these hardships, they are just a part of this natural world.

When I had cancer, that wasn't God's love showing up in the disguise of a lump in my chest. That's the natural world - there was suffering that went along with this, there were hardships, sure, there was growth and knowledge and experiences gained, but this was no gift from God! Cancer is a bad disease that is somehow related to this world, not a temptation! And when my pain was too much to bear, I didn't buck up because God said I could handle this, I crumpled, and ran to His arms for comfort.

So I'm calling BS on "God doesn't give you more than you can handle,” and saying, “God doesn’t give us what we can handle, God helps us handle what we are given.” 

Lucky Day -

I will always be grateful for Friday the 13th. June 13, 2012, the day my life changed, and I can't help but acknowledge it on any Friday the 13th.

So here's to my lucky day - and yours.

Daughters and Passing the Baton -

On Sunday Scott and I attended church at Jenna's ward. I thoroughly enjoyed sitting on the fourth row and watching/listening to sweet Tempest sing and sign her heart out. She was filled with joy, no inhibitions, and right on tune!

I attribute her lovely voice and her ability to make a joyful noise to her sweet parents who are extraordinarily musical and to Tempest's love of music (many of you have seen her Instagram tunes).
She was pure happiness - and her confidence was pure innocence. She sang because she wanted to sing.

As the program was wrapping up, Jenna walked to the front of the chapel, beckoned to Tempest, and they walked to the pulpit together. And they sang. Oh, my heart was in my throat, and my smile was bigger than the chapel. And I didn't record it.

With this moment came a gigantic realization. All that I have worked for, with, toward, was standing in front of me. All the good and bad, the pains and triumphs, were made manifest. My baby is a mother, and she has a girl, just like her, just like I had, and yet no longer, no more. The roles have changed significantly, and that cute little girl I loved, I taught to stand in front of an audience with a smile, singing loudly and clearly, is now that momma, doing just the same. What I saw was me with Jenna by my side, along with Jenna standing over me, with Tempest by her side, almost as if it was a shadow superimposed over a clear image. Am I making sense?

I saw the love Jenna had, as she gently sang her song, prompting Tempest along with a guiding hand, a comforting smile, confidence and gentleness. And the payback/payforward was made.

I am the grandma, the proud grandma now. Yet I'm also the proud mother - Miss Jenna is doing a mighty fine job with her little ones. I could not be more 'puffed up in righteousness." And now - my role of rearing children is finished. I can be there for my kids, support them, love them, but I have taught them what I've taught - no go-backs, no rewinds, no do-overs. It's done, finished, over. However, I can smile, I can guide, because just like Jenna is doing an awesome job with hers, and Tyler is a splendid father, I know I gave them my best; I can continue to do so. And my heart is full. The baton gets passed, and I'm pretty ok about letting it go -

Is that hairdo cute? And oh her outfit was darling, totally Jenna. I mean, Tempest!
And isn't that Knudsen chin so stinkin' cute?!  

Bringing Tidings - 1

Bringing Tidings

I’m a Brene Brown follower. If you haven’t heard of her, listen to her Ted talk from several years ago, or Google her. She says, “Those who tell the truth about their stories are the real ‘badasses.’Show up and be seen – without the anger. Dare, fall, be true, begin again.”

Maya Angelo wrote, “You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.”

I was diagnosed with Stage 1, Grade 3, Triple Negative, Invasive Ductal Carcinoma (bad, but good that it's not in the lymph nodes and surrounding tissue), on Wednesday, Sept. 13, 2012. When I found my lump, 10 days earlier, I decided I was going to make my journey public, and I was going to be brutally honest, and hopefully vulnerable.  I blog at: folkladysadventures.blogspot.com.

I know we can’t improve or change our situations, until we “go there.” We must have pain, struggle, tough emotions, tears. And as much as I don’t want to say this, I will – Cancer has changed my life. Cancer sucks; yet it is life-transforming – not only for the one with cancer, but for those who know and love that person. And in my case, this is good – but nonetheless horrible! I’m here to be that “badass,” to tell my story, to be true to me and to you.

On September 12, 2013, I wrote,

A year ago tomorrow morning, 9:30am, Dr. Dayton pulled Scott and me into her office and said, "I'm sorry Ronda, it's bad news, you have breast cancer." I covered my face with my hands, cried, shook, cried. I was stunned, in complete shock like never before. She said, "You can do this." Scott said, "We can do this." Dr. Dayton made a quick call, and within minutes I was in the office across from hers talking to the surgeon who would remove a portion of my left breast. 

Advice - during and after treatment-

1. Advice or compliments - only offer when asked. Otherwise:

It seems like everyone has an opinion in regards to my cancer, treatments, and recovery. I thought I'd share some of what I've heard. Most good, some necessary, some just odd - 

"Holy cow, Ronda. You look fantastic."
"You haven't changed a bit."
"You have really changed."  

“How much weight did you gain?”

“So are those breasts yours?”
"When are you having reconstructive surgery?"
"Can I see your scar?"
"Can I touch it?"
"Do you still have your nipples?"
"Do you have feeling?" 
"Are you sure you had cancer?"
"Has it spread?" 
"Looks like your treatments didn't hurt you at all."
"Recovery sure was slick for you."
"Your cancer must not have been too bad."
"Goodness, I could've never gone through what you went through."
"You are so brave."
"You are my hero."
"You've sure had a good attitude about this."
"You haven't lost your sense of humor!"
"What happened to your sense of humor?" 

“When will your chemo-brain heal?”

“Is that menopause or chemo-brain?”

“Look at all that hair.”
"Is that your hair?"
"You still seem a little slow."
"How long does it take to recover?"
"Is it going to come back?"
"When do you finish treatments?"
"When will you be back to normal?"
"My best-friend's mother's came back 5 years later, and by then it was too late."
"How long before you know if you're cured?"
"Gosh, you look like you have been in a war."
"Are you sure you can handle this?"
"I love you."  
"This isn't about you."
"Have you learned your lesson?"

Women's Cancer Support Group -

I'm speaking tomorrow night at the Women's Cancer Support Group. It will be held in the Clarke Auditorium of the Northwest Place (Instacare Building). It will be from 6:30-8pm.

I'll be talking on Circles of Support - Bringing Tidings of Comfort and Joy.

In other words - Support, Vulnerability, and Joy in the Journey.

Come!