When I was young and younger I knew that if there was anything I wanted, I had to get/do it, no one else would. And so I conquered - I worked hard, poked and prodded and tormented and nagged; I was driven to the extent I became stubborn, bull-headed, so independent I think I scared and pushed people away. I needed no one.
In fact, my mother says my first sentence was, "I do it myself."
And so it's been, for most of my life. And to some extent that's been good. There really was no one I could trust; I had no one in my life to confide in, to "need." In fact, it came to the point in my life that I thought "needing" was a weakness. I needed no one, and in doing so, I closed the door on relationships - the kind where people give and reciprocate, where interpersonal communication was possible. If I wanted something, needed something - I did it myself, from relationships to jobs to "seek and ye shall find."
Being alone takes strength. It takes someone really strong and scared to believe they don't need anyone. And what a foolish foolish thought.
Of course there were times when I broke down, opened that door just a crack, just enough to test what was on the other side, but of course, I quickly closed the door, never, really, even allowing myself to see what was on the other side. And never ever allowing anyone in.
And I became friends with like-minded people. We needed no one, reveled in our independence. When actually we were just a bunch of people who wanted to be wanted, not needed - tired as can be of those needy people who saw us as strong, caring, and able to do anything for anyone, particularly "them."
Until one day, just a few years ago, out of the blue, I had no desire to shut the door. I was tired of me. Tired of doing life all by myself. I gradually opened that unsafe door, the door I believed was terrible, evil, worldly, selfish, needy, decided to be vulnerable for a moment, and on the other side I saw beauty. A world where vulnerability was actually safe, where I wouldn't be slammed for my independence, my "git 'er dun" attitude. Where I was accepted for my graciousness, for my openness, for my energy. And I found safety and want - when I was brave enough to see.
What a difference a few thousand miles and a few weeks makes - don't ever ever believe time and distance do not heal. They healed - or taught me now to heal.
A patient the other day, who was so fearful of change herself, of accepting her now, of seeing the life she was leading was hurting her, reminded me of how my life has changed - from being safe to being vulnerable (not that I don't have walls and boundaries and baggage), in safety. I've thought about where I am now, and how I got to this beautiful intense confusing colorful place.
And it was all because I was tired. Taking care of myself, being my own savior, is exhausting. Choosing to live in a place where I could not reach out, because I did not want to seem weak or risk "falling," took so much work.
And the past twenty-five years have been filled with bad and good and lessons I never ever signed up for. The work to stay behind my door was so much more intense than even the work it has taken these past five years to get healthy. Walking away from the old me toward the new me has been very very tough.
And here I am. And some days I do life by myself, and some days I invite others into my space, and some days I am brave enough to step out of my door into the world. And now, now I have a choice.
Monday, April 30, 2018
Wednesday, April 25, 2018
Jet Lag on top of Finals on top of Work on top of Trip Prep -
My deck is stacked pretty darn high right now. I knew it would be - even when I planned our trip to England back in November I knew I'd be cutting things close to the end of the semester. And I did - my students did online assignments while I was gone, but I came home to the last semester of classes, and this has been brutal. I've had to finish grading, get the gradebook in order, and attempt to not be as trunky as my students! And prepare for finals next week.
And then there's jet lag - holy cow, I'm tired! Hopefully by tomorrow, or the next day, or the weekend, I'll be back to normal. But in the meantime, I about fell asleep driving home from class last night at 9:45pm. And again today at about 3pm. I've put in lots of steps just traversing the hospital and UVU campus to try and stay awake.
And then there's my hospital work. The full-time chaplain is out of town this week, so I'm working his job and mine. It's been a busy week, and will continue to be.
And then - Jenna and I are going to Amsterdam on May 7, one day after final grades are due in to the department. Hurray and Yikes!
So - do I just forget about trying to catch up on my sleep and my chaplain work, keep students happy, get grades in, and worry about the rest of my world when I get back from Amsterdam (the grandkids call it "Hamsterdam")?
Oh, and what about the garden and spring cleaning and enjoying the tulips and blossoms? Glory be I'm swamped, and I brought it on myself - no one else to blame! Busy is good - busy pays the bills.
"To be good busy, you need to be acutely aware of what gives you energy and what depletes it."
And then there's jet lag - holy cow, I'm tired! Hopefully by tomorrow, or the next day, or the weekend, I'll be back to normal. But in the meantime, I about fell asleep driving home from class last night at 9:45pm. And again today at about 3pm. I've put in lots of steps just traversing the hospital and UVU campus to try and stay awake.
And then there's my hospital work. The full-time chaplain is out of town this week, so I'm working his job and mine. It's been a busy week, and will continue to be.
And then - Jenna and I are going to Amsterdam on May 7, one day after final grades are due in to the department. Hurray and Yikes!
So - do I just forget about trying to catch up on my sleep and my chaplain work, keep students happy, get grades in, and worry about the rest of my world when I get back from Amsterdam (the grandkids call it "Hamsterdam")?
Oh, and what about the garden and spring cleaning and enjoying the tulips and blossoms? Glory be I'm swamped, and I brought it on myself - no one else to blame! Busy is good - busy pays the bills.
"To be good busy, you need to be acutely aware of what gives you energy and what depletes it."
Monday, April 23, 2018
England - Osprey Backpacks Rock!
Monday, April 9, 2018
Goin' A Travelin' -
During breakfast this morning Scott and I were talking about where we've traveled in our 14 years together. We've been to:
Southern Utah many many times
Idaho many times
Montana and Wyoming a few times
Alaska a few times
The Northwest
Northern California
Southern California
Washington DC, Virginia, Maryland, Pennsylvania
Tennessee, Georgia, North Carolina
Mississippi, Alabama
Hawaii
Holland
Switzerland
It's my 5 year cancerversary on April 18!!!!! I am so looking forward to this day. And as a way to celebrate, Scott and I have our bags packed; we're off on a Folklady and Husband Adventure -
Southern Utah many many times
Idaho many times
Montana and Wyoming a few times
Alaska a few times
The Northwest
Northern California
Southern California
Washington DC, Virginia, Maryland, Pennsylvania
Tennessee, Georgia, North Carolina
Mississippi, Alabama
Hawaii
Holland
Switzerland
It's my 5 year cancerversary on April 18!!!!! I am so looking forward to this day. And as a way to celebrate, Scott and I have our bags packed; we're off on a Folklady and Husband Adventure -
Sunday, April 8, 2018
Happy Birthday, Lydia - CDKL5 -
My niece, Lydia, was born 19 years ago. She's the youngest of 6 children. She's a tall, slender, red-headed wonder.
Lydia loves to hold hands and kiss heads.
Lydia loves to cuddle with her brothers-in-law and brother.
Lydia loves babies.
Lydia loves counting and her ABC's, especially if someone will count or do the alphabet with her.
Lydia loves music - her iPod and speaker are with her constantly.
Lydia loves animals, swinging on a swing, and water.
Lydia is a joy, a nuisance, a handful, fun, funny, and typically very happy.
Lydia is a perennial 2 year old.
Lydia doesn't sleep.
Lydia isn't potty-trained.
Lydia can't dress herself.
Lydia socializes on her terms.
Lydia is stubborn.
Lydia pulls hair and pinches.
Lydia's diet typically consists of dry cheerios, goldfish crackers, and marshmallows.
Lydia has a feeding tube (G-tube) which her mother or father accesses 2-3 times a day, to feed her.
Lydia started having seizures when she was 4 weeks old. She has CDKL5.
Most children with CDKL5 do not walk, are in wheel chairs, can't talk, can't feed themselves, and are totally dependent on others. They typically have sensory issues, scoliosis, stomach/digestion issues. This disorder mainly affects girls. There is no known cause for the genetic mutation, and there is no known cure.
CDKL5 is considered an orphan disorder - there isn't a lot of testing, medical knowledge, research, resources for this disorder. Her parents finally found this diagnosis a couple of years ago, after years and years of doctor's appointments, research, sticking up for themselves, and being Lydia's advocate.
They have raised her, as their toddler, for 19 years. Lydia's parents have created a home that is comfortable for Lydia, including a special room, a unique bed, wide halls (if she ever needs to be in a wheel chair), just for Lydia.
Lydia's parents have created a full life for Lydia. Dressing stylish with nicely fixed hair, Lydia is never dirty or sloppy or stinky. Lydia's days are rich with experiences. She goes to school, has quiet time, has friends, goes to a Young Women's group, has a Sunday School class to herself, is involved in 90% of the family's activities, and has sensory experiences from petting dogs and riding horses to field trips with her school. Lydia has a part-time care-giver who caters to Lydia and loves Lydia. Lydia truly blesses the lives of everyone who has the opportunity to know her.
Lydia's parents are as amazing as Lydia is. They are totally devoted to Lyds. Their love is unconditional. Neither of Lydia's parents has slept through a night in 19 years, because Lydia hasn't slept through the night, ever (sometimes she doesn't sleep at all). Lydia is their life, yet they've managed to have quality and quantity time with each other and their other 5 children. Lydia's parents worry about Lydia aging as they age. They have as many unanswered questions now as they did when Lydia first started with her seizures. But as with their constant advocating and caring, they will find answers, because that is who they are.
Lydia - what a girl. Lawrence and Maria - amazing parents. Taylor, Sabrina, Danielle, Calais, Clara - fantastic siblings. Lydia has been blessed with this family. And Lyds' family and extended family have been blessed with her.
Happy Birthday to you, Lydia. I love you.
Lydia loves to hold hands and kiss heads.
Lydia loves to cuddle with her brothers-in-law and brother.
Lydia loves babies.
Lydia loves counting and her ABC's, especially if someone will count or do the alphabet with her.
Lydia loves music - her iPod and speaker are with her constantly.
Lydia loves animals, swinging on a swing, and water.
Lydia is a joy, a nuisance, a handful, fun, funny, and typically very happy.
Lydia is a perennial 2 year old.
Lydia doesn't sleep.
Lydia isn't potty-trained.
Lydia can't dress herself.
Lydia socializes on her terms.
Lydia is stubborn.
Lydia pulls hair and pinches.
Lydia's diet typically consists of dry cheerios, goldfish crackers, and marshmallows.
Lydia has a feeding tube (G-tube) which her mother or father accesses 2-3 times a day, to feed her.
Lydia started having seizures when she was 4 weeks old. She has CDKL5.
Most children with CDKL5 do not walk, are in wheel chairs, can't talk, can't feed themselves, and are totally dependent on others. They typically have sensory issues, scoliosis, stomach/digestion issues. This disorder mainly affects girls. There is no known cause for the genetic mutation, and there is no known cure.
CDKL5 is considered an orphan disorder - there isn't a lot of testing, medical knowledge, research, resources for this disorder. Her parents finally found this diagnosis a couple of years ago, after years and years of doctor's appointments, research, sticking up for themselves, and being Lydia's advocate.
They have raised her, as their toddler, for 19 years. Lydia's parents have created a home that is comfortable for Lydia, including a special room, a unique bed, wide halls (if she ever needs to be in a wheel chair), just for Lydia.
Lydia's parents have created a full life for Lydia. Dressing stylish with nicely fixed hair, Lydia is never dirty or sloppy or stinky. Lydia's days are rich with experiences. She goes to school, has quiet time, has friends, goes to a Young Women's group, has a Sunday School class to herself, is involved in 90% of the family's activities, and has sensory experiences from petting dogs and riding horses to field trips with her school. Lydia has a part-time care-giver who caters to Lydia and loves Lydia. Lydia truly blesses the lives of everyone who has the opportunity to know her.
Lydia's parents are as amazing as Lydia is. They are totally devoted to Lyds. Their love is unconditional. Neither of Lydia's parents has slept through a night in 19 years, because Lydia hasn't slept through the night, ever (sometimes she doesn't sleep at all). Lydia is their life, yet they've managed to have quality and quantity time with each other and their other 5 children. Lydia's parents worry about Lydia aging as they age. They have as many unanswered questions now as they did when Lydia first started with her seizures. But as with their constant advocating and caring, they will find answers, because that is who they are.
Lydia - what a girl. Lawrence and Maria - amazing parents. Taylor, Sabrina, Danielle, Calais, Clara - fantastic siblings. Lydia has been blessed with this family. And Lyds' family and extended family have been blessed with her.
Happy Birthday to you, Lydia. I love you.
Lydia - top left, with siblings and cousins. Summer 2006.
Lydia, stubbornly sitting, delaying family pictures. Fall 2017.
Lydia, 2017.
Thursday, April 5, 2018
Books Reviewed - Practicing Mindfulness -
The last big writing assignment my 2010 writing students have is to write a Rhetorical Think Piece using three resources from the sources they used for their research paper.
It is always my goal to have written what I assign, and yet I haven't written to this particular assignment. So, I write. And I chose to use three sources that I am reading right now as I learn more about a topic I love: Mindfulness.
Below is my review of three books regarding Mindfulness - for my students and for my blog readers. Enjoy.
It is always my goal to have written what I assign, and yet I haven't written to this particular assignment. So, I write. And I chose to use three sources that I am reading right now as I learn more about a topic I love: Mindfulness.
Below is my review of three books regarding Mindfulness - for my students and for my blog readers. Enjoy.
Ronda Walker Weaver
April 4, 2018
English 2010
Rhetorical Think Piece – Mindfulness;
Benefits and Practices
I have been studying Mindfulness for the past six years. I injured my
back six years ago. I could not get into a doctor for three months, so I had to
find some way of staying in the moment and keeping my pain at bay. Then, five
and a half years ago I found a tumor in my left breast. It was cancerous. I
went through eight months of surgery, chemotherapy, and radiation. During this
time my mind and body were restless and in pain. I needed the practices Mindfulness
offers to control my pain and to keep myself in the moment rather than worrying
about tomorrow.
There are three publications that helped me as I wrote my research paper,
“Practicing Mindfulness.” These pieces are Breathe:
The Well-Being Special; Mindfulness: An Eight Week Plan for Finding Peace in a
Frantic World, and 101 Mindful Ways
to Build Resilience: Cultivate Calm, Clarity, Optimism and Happiness Each Day.
Jonathan
Grogan, editor. Breathe: The Well-Being
Special. Times Inc. Books, 2017.
Summary
Breathe: The Well-Being Special, is printed in magazine form, with
numerous topics regarding practicing Mindfulness. There are several articles,
or chapters in this publication, with numerous authors and specialists in the
area of Mindfulness contributing their wisdom. The book is broken down into four
areas: Mindfulness, Wellness, Kindness, and Inspiration.
With these four chapters, the publisher takes the reader from the actual practices of Mindfulness to the benefits of Mindfulness.
With these four chapters, the publisher takes the reader from the actual practices of Mindfulness to the benefits of Mindfulness.
I appreciated the
essay, “Let Go,” where the author writes about identifying feelings that are of
no benefit and giving the reader the permission and tools to let go of these
emotions (16).
A second article,
“Yoga: find your balance,” is a good beginner’s guide to Yoga. This article
discusses how to find the right type of yoga for anyone interested in
practicing.
Interestingly,
kindness, plays a powerful role in practicing Mindfulness, as the article on
“Letter Writing” explains.
Lastly, in the
“Inspiration” section, topics include taking a bath, benefits of essential
oils, a good night’s sleep, and having hope.
Point of View
This book is very
upbeat and very simple. The articles are clearly presented and written for a
general audience. There are “cutesy” drawings, pictures, fonts, and sidebars,
which made me believe, along with the article topics, that this was written for
a female audience.
Counter-Argument
My counter-argument
would be that the articles are very short quick reads, with nothing too deep or
intense. There were topics where I wished there would have been more
information, or at least some resources made available. This book appears to be
a “one-stop shopping” publication, where this probably should be a primer with
resources if the reader wants to go deeper into any of the topics presented.
Tone
The book is cleanly
and clearly presented. All of the articles are positive and very
life-affirming. This book, like a magazine, does not need to be read in any
order, as the articles do not build on each other. It does have a Nordic feel
to it – from the drawing on the cover to the feel of the paper to the simple
drawings inside. There is a Scandinavian term that is quite popular these days,
“hygge,” and this publication lends itself to the idea of cozy, simple, and
encouraging.
Value
The value is the
set-up of the book as well as the readability. It offers a great overview of
what breathing and well-being really are.
Mark
Williams, and Danny Penman. Mindfulness:
An Eight-Week Plan for Finding Peace in a Frantic World. Rodale Books,
2012.
Summary
This book is a basic guide to understanding Mindfulness, and it offers
simple forms of Mindfulness that anyone can practice.
Point of View
Mindfulness Guru,
John Kabat-Zinn wrote a foreword for this book. And, if he endorses its
publication, it must be of value. This writing is not just “fluff,” but a “how
to” manual for application of the material that is taught. This book is a
challenge – not only reading the material as well as choosing to take on, and
commit to, the eight-week plan that is created in the book.
Counter-Argument
While practical and
even wise, this book’s “change your life in eight weeks” premise can be
daunting. I am even a little concerned about committing to this challenge; what
if I cannot do the eight weeks? Will I be a failure? I think shortening the
challenge would make the entire book a little friendlier.
Tone
Jon Kabat-Zinn sets
the tone for the entire book. He offers, “This is an inspiring program for
anyone caring about his or her own health and sanity.” With that aspiration,
the reader sees not only a challenge, but a confirmation that the work entailed
will be worthwhile.
Value
If the reader is a
skeptic, this book probably is not of much value; but then, why would someone
be reading this if they were not interested in Mindfulness? The value in this
book is not only the explanation of the forms of Mindfulness, but also the ways
to put this into practice – whether it be formal meditation or informal focus.
Donald Altman. 101 Mindful Ways to Build Resilience: Cultivate Calm,
Clarity, Optimism and Happiness Each Day. PESI Publishing, 2016.
Summary
Altman’s guide to Mindfulness is a “how to” manual for
bouncing back from stressful moments using simple sixty second exercises, that
are mostly applicable in any situation, any place. It is divided into four
sections: Calm, Clarity, Optimism, and Happiness.
Point of View
This book is
presented as a toolbox of sorts with the table of contents showing exactly what
tool is needed in any stressful or anxiety producing situation the reader is
in. It is accessible, simple, and very reader friendly.
Counter-Argument
The author makes the
presumption that all of the readers will have been in situations where stress
can happen and then downtime can quickly proceed. He also presumes that his
readers are resilient and able to bounce back from challenges.
Tone
The tone is chatty
while also teaching. Altman gives step-by-step instructions for each mindful
moment. For example, under “Daily Intention Setting,” he teaches the reader
should make a conscious effort to set positive intentions for the day, every
morning, “It helps you show up in a way that makes even your smaller actions
count. A guiding intention invites a sense of order and calm into your day –
and life.” He then proceeds to give four “How-to” points for putting this into
action. This clearly defined and leaves the reader with no excuse for not being
able to act on these intentions (11).
Value
Easy, simple, quick,
without taking more than a minute, these applications are doable to even a
novice at practicing Mindfulness. This practical guide does what it promises,
if the reader gives the actions just a try.
Conclusion
My ability to practice Mindfulness supported my
experiences with my back, my cancer treatment, and my desire to find a place in
my mind and my day to calm down. Even today, when life gets stressful, my
anxiety gets high, and I cannot sleep at nights, I have the resources and
knowledge to practice Mindfulness, whether that be a fifteen-minute meditation,
some deep stretching or yoga for a bit (even at work), or taking the time to
close my eyes, picture a sunny day at the lake, and “ommm” for a few minutes as
the plane takes off, or lands, on my way to England this next week.
Monday, April 2, 2018
Sleep -
How important is a good night's sleep to you?
I swear my mother must have played soft instrumental music and kept the house still when I was a baby. I cannot sleep if there is any noise but white noise in the house.
She also must have made my bedroom as dark as possible. I cannot sleep in a room with light.
In other words, I am a light sleeper. If there are any noises - audible or not, I cannot sleep. And, my mind does not go to sleep either.
So, waking up, to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night is awful. I have to pee, and yet I know if I get up, I won't be able to go back to sleep.
My sleep has been horrible'er since cancer. My mind turns on so quickly, and it's impossible to go back to sleep without some form of medication - not meditation, but drugs - whether Aleve, a sleeping pill, or last night, a Nyquil. And I'm the one who teaches mindfulness and sleep habits at my job - and yet they sure as crap don't work for me!
I am such a better person with 8 hours of sleep, and when I don't get that I am terribly unproductive the next day. I wander like a zombie - half in this life, half out.
And - then I married a man who happens to snore, and snore very loudly. Particularly if he has had sugar or milk products within a couple of hours going to bed. I nudge him, then kick him, then push him out of bed (or I leave). One of us ends up sleeping in the other room for the rest of the night, which then is disruptive sleep for both of us.
A friend suggested I try "Calm" prior to going to bed. That's not my problem. I need a "Calm" in the middle of the night; something to calm my mind; something to tell my mind that it's okay to stay asleep.
Darn - I need some Zzzzzzz's.
I swear my mother must have played soft instrumental music and kept the house still when I was a baby. I cannot sleep if there is any noise but white noise in the house.
She also must have made my bedroom as dark as possible. I cannot sleep in a room with light.
In other words, I am a light sleeper. If there are any noises - audible or not, I cannot sleep. And, my mind does not go to sleep either.
So, waking up, to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night is awful. I have to pee, and yet I know if I get up, I won't be able to go back to sleep.
My sleep has been horrible'er since cancer. My mind turns on so quickly, and it's impossible to go back to sleep without some form of medication - not meditation, but drugs - whether Aleve, a sleeping pill, or last night, a Nyquil. And I'm the one who teaches mindfulness and sleep habits at my job - and yet they sure as crap don't work for me!
I am such a better person with 8 hours of sleep, and when I don't get that I am terribly unproductive the next day. I wander like a zombie - half in this life, half out.
And - then I married a man who happens to snore, and snore very loudly. Particularly if he has had sugar or milk products within a couple of hours going to bed. I nudge him, then kick him, then push him out of bed (or I leave). One of us ends up sleeping in the other room for the rest of the night, which then is disruptive sleep for both of us.
A friend suggested I try "Calm" prior to going to bed. That's not my problem. I need a "Calm" in the middle of the night; something to calm my mind; something to tell my mind that it's okay to stay asleep.
Darn - I need some Zzzzzzz's.