Resolutions - Again?

That's what Scott said this morning as we were walking. I asked him what his resolutions were going to be for this upcoming year. "Again?" He asked. "We have to have this conversation every year, and I tell you, my resolutions are the same. Read the Big Book, read the Book of Mormon, be a good husband, serve. What more do you want?"

And I couldn't think of anything more. Except - Be more romantic. Be engaged in conversations. Chew with your mouth closed. Talk without food in your mouth. Eat slower. Don't snore. Lose weight.

And dang it, for a moment I was nagging (in my mind, but still, that's not fair).

This year I've:
Learned waiting is part of my job.
Some things just don't matter. Being right can often mean not wanting to "told you so." Pick your battles.
Students are good good people who are carrying pretty big loads - love them.
Nice is good; really good. Pleasant is good; really good.
Some fires don't need to be put out by me.
10,000 steps is simple when I'm walking through the hospital being nice and pleasant, and this is part of my job.
Losing weight is doable, and so is getting out of debt.
Goals are attainable; even if it takes 10 years. "Eyes to the Prize" at all times.
Spending time with children on their turf is a blast, and I get to come home to a clean quiet home.


So this year, MY resolutions are:

Keep with the above.
Keep weight off.
Be present. (I'm loving this practice, want to get better.)
Be kind.
Drink more water.
Accept other's suggestions (even if I think mine are better).
Don't nag . . . my mother.
Make a quilt.
Read 2 religious texts.
Let go of the things I cannot change - don't buy in to the little/inconsequential conformity things.
Get that 60th birthday tattoo.
Travel to the East Coast (will be in Scotland in May).

Blondie, December 30, 2014

Goldfish and Reaching Out - You're Not Alone -

There seems to be a preponderance of "not being up to snuff" in the world right now. I certainly see it among my children, friends, students, patients. There is so much comparing going on - everything from shape to size, successes to near-misses, pain and suffering to health and happiness, length of stay to should I stay. And we compare ourselves in curlers to someone else walking out of the hairdresser's ready for our glamour shot.

I am sad. I will admit I have been competitive, comparing myself to others, and falling short. And then holding on to these inadequacies as if they were a prize, or a crutch, for being inadequate - for giving up.

Even this morning, as my sweet husband shared a 3rd love note for the week, I told him I didn't measure up. And no matter how many times he has told me I'm beautiful, smart, kind, gentle, I have a hard time believing him. Yet - this morning I also told him I'm beginning to believe in his words, and because I believe him, and I know he would never lie to me, I can hold on to his generosity and begin to assimilate these gifts and integrate them into my life. Because, after all, even at my age, the words of my youth still weigh heavily on my self-esteem (not my parents, mind you, but peers).

So - back to the gold fish. The last day of school at UVU for Fall 2018, was a tough day for me. I had a parent of a student share that her son had reached out for help because his depression and anxiety and desire to be perfect was just too much. And I spent time with a family member of a patient who attempted to end her life, and her sweet family had to finalize that decision. These 2 events, in face of 4 student papers about anxiety, stress, time-management, being overwhelmed, gave me a nudge that something needed to be said to my students about how much they are loved and that they're not alone, and there is a bright future for them, a bright today, even in the midst of unsurity and trauma and identity.

Should I buy M&M's - they are unique but not alone, Popcorn - it takes more than one kernel to make a great bag of popcorn? And then I saw Goldfish crackers - in individual packs.

I took my argument to class that day - asking my students if they had ever felt like they were the only fish in the sea, if they felt they were swimming one direction while others were swimming another, if they felt different from the other fish in their school. And of course, many hands were raised, many heads nodded.

And then I handed out the packs of crackers, and told them they were not alone. And even when they felt alone there were other fish waiting to join them, wanting them in their school, ready to support them and swim together.

Lastly, I wrote my personal cell phone number on the board, telling my students that I was available to them all the time, and that when they felt alone, stressed, depressed, anxious, they could call me.

And there were tears in the class, and there was love in the class, and those students understood and knew I meant what I had said.

Later, I received emails from 2 students thanking me for going out on a limb for them, for caring, and saying they would keep my number.

Hopefully the next time a student sees, or eats, a goldfish cracker they will remember they're not alone.

Merry Christmas From My Home to Yours -

Baby It's Cold Outside - Presentism -

"Some" of us are critical thinkers, and "Most" of us are reactionary thinkers. This seems applicable this time of year with Christmas music. I can't think of a better song than, "Baby it's Cold Outside," to apply the practice of presentism - imprinting today's ideas and perspectives as we interpret the past. And honestly, I've had enough of this.

So, before I blow an ovary or two, and I will preface this with the statement that I am a feminist; I believe in my voice, and I believe in being respected. As well, I believe one of the worst things we arm-chair critics can do is try to critique a historical event through today's lens.

Hence an amazing analysis of "Baby it's Cold Outside," through the lens of the 1940s when this tune was written. I do think we need to get over ourselves; #metoo is so relevant, and date rape and non-consensual activities abound; I live in an extremely strong patriarchal society - I understand being pushed around and persuaded into doing things I don't want to do; I get the angst of folks who do not like the song and point toward banning it. Yet, come on - let's be critical thinkers. 

And in the meantime, pray tell - isn't "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" about marital affairs and childhood trauma? Talk about PTSD! And "Mary Did  You Know" is embarrassing - seriously - some musician has to tell Mary what she is taking on - presentism? Condescending? Perhaps there should be a "New Mother Did You Know" tune to make this song a year long tune for new mothers. I'd be beating down doors to ban that!

Here's my tune for the year -

Humanity -

Seriously - 

Internal Struggles -

Gosh I hate going through my bi-annual "Who am I," "What do I believe in," "Am I being my best self," "How do I stay real," internal argument. This one's lasted longer than most years, and I think it was intensified by a med combo that really messed with my peace of mind. And while I'll blame the nudge to Gabapentin and horrible nerve pain, my internal struggle never ends.

And this year it's been a little more burdensome; I'll be 60 in 2 months, and I really really should be more settled than I was 10, 20, 30, 45 years ago - and I'm not. The things in my religion and my culture that bothered me then bother me now - and it shouldn't be that way! I've even looked through my journals and notes over the years, and I'm still trying to make sense of real and true and authentic and honest and right and fence-sitting and standing for something and my long-lying question, "Should I stay or should I go?" Gabapentin did nothing to pacify me (nor my neck, shoulder, elbow, wrist, hand, fingers).

So this time around I have applied my mindfulness techniques, particularly that of being still and staying in the moment - absorbing those emotions - fear, guilt, failure, doubt, defiance, faith, hope, and using these as my guide, rather than me being the lead.

I've been amazed, to the point of teary more than once, and humbled to the point of shaking my head in gratitude for being allowed by the worlds around me to receive.

For instance - just when I needed confirmation I was living authentically I had a patient call for an appointment. And when a small portion of their story was shared, I heard my own story, and I knew I could help.

A patient, whom I care for deeply, and whom I was prompted to call all last week, arrived at the hospital this week in terrible shape, and I've been able to meet her husband, be with her husband, hear his story, and stay present.

I was overwhelmed with too many to-do's, and an order was wrong, and my to-do list made smaller.

A beyond beautiful sunset last night, and I had a crossing-in-the-parking-lot encounter with a young man who looked up and west at the same time I did, and we shared a very intimate moment - full of gratitude.

I was supposed to be out of town on business beginning today, and the way was muddy, and I don't operate well in muddy. So I changed those plans, and the sky cleared.

I prayed for peace, and I was given it. I asked for guidance, and I was guided. I sought help in my helping and was directed. I chose not to micro-manage, and the consequences were stunning. I changed directions and was shown the way. I looked for beauty in my day, and it was in my face.

My struggles are real; not any more real or ginormous than anyone else's; yet when I choose to be still and listen, I find peace.

Detangling My Mind -

I keep forgetting to remember this -

Woman lay all your shit down.
Stop processing it, justifying it,
analyzing it, carrying it, and explaining it.
You're tired. You are beautiful.
Lay it down.

Christine Lumley 

(FB page: Goddess in the Closet)

Savoring the Season -

Savoring –

While normally associated with food, savoring can involve all of our senses, giving us a wider sense of appreciation for our surroundings. Savoring requires us to be present – to allow ourselves the “luxury” of anticipating, appreciating, reminiscing, and sharing.

We can savor an experience through:

1.      Anticipation – looking forward.

2.      Appreciation – staying in the present.

3.      Reminiscing – looking in the past.

4.      Sharing – synergistic energy.

With all of these forms, we can engage the senses. What does your mind’s eye see? What smells do you enjoy? What sounds do you remember? What textures delight you? Who do you want to talk with, or have as your companion in a moment/event?

Savoring is a great form of mindfulness:

1.      Mealtime can be quick or savory! Take the time to feel the utensil in your hand, the sound of ice in your glass, the smell of fresh cooking. And the taste – what are your taste buds saying to you?

2.      Music! What memories are conjured? Is there specific music for times of the day or moods or audience?

3.      Memories! Do you re-read notes, thumb through photos, cook particular food items because of fond memories?

4.      Record these moments! Your phone is a powerful communication device! Whether it’s a text, a call, a photo, or an image capture – taking a picture, writing down a thought (I use “Notes” on my phone) are a way of making that time stand still.

5.      And then don’t forget to share – even if you’re sharing with yourself. Reread those texts, look at your pictures as you download them onto your computer, eat a meal with a friend – or at least share a dessert with someone, go to a concert with a friend.

6.      Lastly – be still. Take time to listen to the birds, sip that cup of coffee or tea, be present for only a moment, and your world will become brighter and lighter.

10 tips for Savoring the holidays:

1.      Enjoy the textures of the season.

2.      Do something for yourself.

3.      Do something for someone else.

4.      Make a Christmas treat – engage all of your senses.

5.      As you drive, take the time to look at Christmas decorations.

6.      Sit, close your eyes, and enjoy one entire Christmas song.

7.      Write a note of gratitude to one person.

8.      Engage in a Christmas activity.

9.      Wrap a gift and think positive thoughts about the person who will be the recipient.

10.   Burn a candle, simmer some cinnamon and oranges, enjoy the scents of the season.

Healing -

I spoke with 2 women today - one still healing from the effects of breast cancer and treatments, 7 years down the road. And, another woman whose cancer has reoccurred - she was first diagnosed in 1982, and it has been in remission until about a month ago and now it has metastasized. Cancer sucks, and healing is an ongoing project. Something I remind myself of every morning at 3:30am when anxiety and sleeplessness kick in and again every single time I walk into a patient visit.

CBD, THC, Hemp, Marijuana - Where I Stand -

YES - I'm beginning this is with a loud YES, I am in support of medical marijuana, which includes Hemp, Marijuana, and the derivatives extracted from these plants, namely CBD and THC.

I didn't take when I had cancer, but I wish it had been available; I would have gladly welcomed CBD into my medical tool box. With that said, CBD oil has a place in my tool box now - sleeplessness, anxiety, and nerve pain are all a part of my daily repertoire, and I am grateful for these plants and their medicinal value.

Below is a short tutorial I have created based on hours of research - which includes medical, pharmaceutical, popular, and valued patient resources. I think it's pretty basic and inclusive. As well as education, I have listed reading and accessing resources. 

(My disclaimer - this is information I have gleaned, and I am not liable for information you glean from this or for the resources I have chosen to list that you may choose to access in any way.) 

CBD Fact Sheet

As legal use of marijuana grows, it is important to understand the medical benefits and medicinal qualities of marijuana, particularly the difference between CBD (cannabidiol) and THC (tetrahydrocannabinol). These are 2 compounds found in marijuana.

CBD comes from primarily the hemp plant. THC comes from marijuana. THC is the psychoactive compound that provides the “high.” Both interact with the body’s own endocannabinoid system, with different effects. However, they both have the exact same chemical structure, although their arrangement means they each have a different impact on the body, particularly with the neurotransmitters in the brain (responsible for transmitting messages between brain and body cells). With that said, below is a simple graph explaining CBD and THC.

CBD                                                                                                        THC

Hemp (Can produce a minute amount of THC), no more than 0.3% THC	Marijuana (Average strain has 15% THC; although marijuana sold on the street is typically 2-5%)
Non-psychoactive (No High)	Psychoactive (High)
Suppresses	Enhances
Legal in all states	Legal in 29 states + DC for medical, 9+ DC for personal use
Typical ratio is 10 parts CBD	To 1 part THC
Used for: seizures, inflammation, pain, nausea, migraines, depression, anxiety (does not increase appetite)	Used for: pain, muscle spasms (not seizures), insomnia, appetite enhancement, nausea, anxiety
Available in: gels, gummies, oils, supplements, vap	Available in: edibles, tinctures, capsules, oils, “weed”
Reactions: Zero to drug-to-drug interactions with medications	Reactions: Increased heart rate, coordination, dry mouth, red eyes, slow motor abilities, memory loss. Also increases risk of psychiatric disorders.
Stored in the body’s fat; can show on a drug test for several days or weeks after use.	Stored in the body’s fat; can show on a drug test for several days or weeks after use.
Considered safe when used properly	Considered safe when used properly

Buying CBD and THC:

Anyone can purchase hemp-derived CBD products, yet marijuana-derived CBD and THC products can only be purchased from a dispensary (online or shop). Whether hemp or marijuana based, CBD is CBD is CBD. Just a simple web-search for “CBD to purchase” brings up more than 45 million results. So, be careful. The best way to find credible sources is to glean information from friends and family, and of course, your healthcare provider. Make sure your healthcare provider knows you are using/interested in CBD.

In order to get the correct compound for your needs, you will need to understand the strength and concentration of the product as well as other additives (terpenes: https://greencamp.com/terpenes, essences, oils) to the compound. Oils, edibles, topicals, and e-vap are the most popular forms of CBD compounds.

Some things to be aware of when looking for a product are:

1.       Marketing of Rick Simpson Oil (RSO). This oil cannot be purchased. It can be made at home, growing a particular strain of cannabis and following a rigorous step-by-step process (more about RSO can be found on Simpson’s YouTube documentary, “Run From the Cure”). Rick Simpson does not sell his product, and Simpson oil are not associated with any organization that sells “Rick Simpson Oil.”

2.       Ratio of CBD to THC, and CBD to a base product, whether oil or sugar or ethanol, and if topical, is there an emulsifier added.

3.       There are many folks getting on the band-wagon of marketing and selling CBD products. Do your research. Pricing is not always an indication of quality.

Sources for further education:

Cannabinoid Clinical, cannabinoidclinical.com

National Cancer Institute, cancer.gov, “Cannabis and Cannabinoids”

Leafly.com

CBD Reviews, ravereviews.org, “Best CBD Oil”

Differences between CBD and THC, echoconnection.org

Primer on CBD: Projectcbd.org

Primer on CBD/Hemp: zatural.com

Primer on Marijuana: honestmarijuana.com

Primer: https://www.chillaxcbd.com/about.html

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ygtX2nyexo – David Casarett TED Talk

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3bZb10ZxpBk The Inside Story of Cannabidiol – What are the Benefits of CBD?

Products and resources we would recommend, if we could:

Nuleafnaturals.com

Canna Trading Company, cannatrading.co

Foria Wellness, foriawellness.com

Charlotte’s Web (oldest dispensary in Colorado; expensive, potent, produced by the Stanley Brothers) cwhemp.com, stanleybrothers.co

https://www.purecbdvapors.com – variety of products

Gummies – 10mg CBD with .57 THC – Pioneer Squares; Craft Elixirs; http://craftelixirs.com/products.html#edibles  Purchase in person in WA

                Liberty Lixir – 1 oz. High CBD Tincture; 1 pump is 2.2 grams   https://libertylotion.com/

                Revive –  https://kannaway.com/revve-p-m-restore-and-recharge/

                http://greenhorizen.com/

                Alammi Tobacco Shop, PG, UT (801-796-8888) – variety of products

All Is Safely Gathered In -

This fall has definitely been a time of gathering for me. I frantically filled my freezer and all of my pint and quart jars with the goods from my garden and the farmer's market - even to the point of pickling carrots! This must be the old school (or my Idaho/pioneer heritage) me that feels the need to make sure I have done all I can, and used all I have available, to make sure we are prepared for the winter. I am fulfilled by doing so - my domesticity is appeased and having a full larder/cellar/pantry gives me peace - although the preparation can be angst-filled. 

In preparing I am now comforted and full of thanks. Thankful for a garden that produced, a husband who cared for the garden, water to care for the "crops," for time to preserve, for the ability to preserve - and make it edible; grateful for space to store as well as the view of being able to cautiously open my freezer and have a variety of good to choose from - fruits from my own labors. 

Summer is a time for romping in the woods while autumn is the time to gather the wood - and as much as I love sun and romping, I love settling and find contentment in the calm, or at least resting for a season. 

Winter is not my favorite season, yet autumn gives the "job well done" sign. 

And I am filled with gratitude for being provided and being able to provide. I am grateful for the time to rest and enjoy these fruits - there are very few times in my life when I take/have the chance/opportunity to see my handiwork for longer than a moment or two. Sitting down for a dinner last night of butternut squash, beets, roasted potatoes and carrots, fresh baked bread (from the bread machine), and fried apples, with autumn jazz playing, and a warm clean home, are confirmatiosn of my work and my blessings.

Now waiting for that winter storm - 

1. 1. Come, ye thankful people, come;
   Raise the song of harvest home.
   All is safely gathered in
   Ere the winter storms begin.
   God, our Maker, doth provide
   For our wants to be supplied.
   Come to God's own temple, come;
   Raise the song of harvest home.
2. 2. All the world is God's own field,
   Fruit unto his praise to yield,
   Wheat and tares together sown,
   Unto joy or sorrow grown.
   First the blade, and then the ear,
   Then the full corn shall appear.
   Lord of harvest, grant that we
   Wholesome grain and pure may be.
3. Text: Henry Alford, 1810-1871
   Music: George J. Elvey, 1816-1893

If You Ever Hurt My Daughter -

This -  

Veteran's Day - and Fathers -

Scott's oldest daughter has a son who is serving a 2-year LDS Mission in Northern California. I do my best to write him weekly; which means I've probably written 50 letters in the past 55 weeks. I don't know this grandson well, and my goal is for us to know each other just a little better when he returns home to Florida next July.

Today I wrote about his great-grandfathers, both who served in the military. I love these men; I honor them, and my nearly-son Cortney, for their service.

I’m writing on 11/11 – do you know the importance of this date? Today, 100 years ago, WWI ended. So tomorrow, we celebrate Armistice Day. While it’s a much bigger celebration and holiday in England and Germany, it is a day to honor veterans of all wars.

Did you know your great-grandpa Weaver served in WWII as a member of the Army. He was a driver for the company commanders; when a commander found out how educated he was, the officer made Grandpa his personal driver; this probably kept Grandpa from being in some pretty unsafe areas. Grandpa served in the Philippines and in Japan. My father, Clyde Walker, served in the Korean War. He had been running the family café and motel. His leaving was tough on the family, but it was important for him to serve. He was a chef on a munitions ship during the war. He spent time on the water and in Japan. Interestingly, he helped create an LDS branch for the military in Japan, and he stayed in touch with his Navy buddies all of his life. Those connections these men made were strong bonds. Even when my father died, some of his friends and their wives came to his viewing.

Neither Grandpa served an LDS mission, yet they served their country, and then both, upon retirement served missions. Gpa and Gma Weaver in Nauvoo (where Gpa shared his love for painting and drawing), and Gpa and Gma Walker in Hawaii (where at BYU-H Gpa ran the catering and cafeteria) and the Philippines.

We live in a beautiful world – I am so grateful for Heavenly Parents who created a world that was not only functional, but also beautiful. Both grandfathers loved this world, and loved their country. They served because of this love. They remained patriotic – remembering their time served and flying the flag whenever they could. Just a few months before my father died, my nephew, Dakota, had the opportunity to go through my father’s Navy trunk, filled with his Navy gear and mementos from the time he was in Japan. Dakota could fit into my father’s Navy uniform! It was a treat for us (and my dad) to see him in that outfit and to again hear stories from my father. Sadly, Great-Gpa Weaver didn’t talk about his time in WWII. G-Gpa Weaver said once that he wasn’t made an officer because he was “shipped out” just before going to officer school. I wonder how his life would have been different if he hadn’t had an education – would he have served on the front lines? And my father, after leaving the Navy, went on to a Chef’s school in California, where he learned the business side of running a restaurant, and taking that with his cooking abilities, went home to Idaho to open three other restaurants. All because of his time served and the GI Bill that paid for his education.

Well, that’s enough family history for today. I think it’s pretty cool that two men, living across the street from each other for 35 years, both served proudly. They both loved beauty, created art, cherished their families, and were staunch believers in democracy – the freedom to make choices and the responsibility to keep their country, and families, safe.

Gabapentin - Neuropathy - Chemotherapy -

I pinched a butt-load of nerves from my left shoulder and neck down to my left hand - knuckles to finger-tips. And I hurt. I've had more than a month of nerve pain, and it has worn me down. I took Gabapentin for about 3 weeks, and I quit about a week ago. But here's what I learned while taking this medication often used for nerve pain, anxiety and depression, and sleep.

I realized I still had neuropathy, from chemo and injuries. The first few days on the medication were amazing - I didn't hurt, anywhere. My feet didn't hurt, my toes were not in fire, the tip of my tongue was not tingly, and my left hip was not shooting deep pains into my back.

I learned how sensitive I am to medication. While this helped with my nerve pain and gave me some rest, I was dizzy all the time; I felt like my head was filled with fog; I couldn't think clearly; anxiety was making me jittery, scared, and angry, and interestingly, what I thought was allergies or the beginning of a cold, because of non-stop sneezing, was a side-effect of the drug!

And so I got off, even taking a minute dose (200mg), I knew I needed to stop, immediately. Weaning off, even after only a few weeks of use, took me nearly a week - medication can have long-term side-effects. Yet since being off, those aches that I took the drug for are back, and the aches that I didn't know were aches, have not returned. Hallelujah!

My head is clear, I've calmed down, and I'm back to seeing a kind young earnest chiropractor - who is caring for my left side, one joint at a time. He's reset a dislocated shoulder (has been this way for 5.5 years, go figure), a dislocated wrist (same accident - crashing on my bike), and is trying to teach my body to not contract when there's nerve pain, but to just breathe through it and let it go. Some day that pain will be gone as well!

Letting Go -

This article from Purpose Fairy speaks to me these days. A month away from blogging (and other stuff) has given me time for some deep contemplation.

I'm letting go of a lot right now, emotionally, physically, materialistically, culturally. And it's hard work and it's freeing, and it's painful, and I'm hoping to finally find the peace I've been striving for - for years.

I'm a spiritual soul; I'm an introvert; I'm a thinker; and over and over again I realize just how much I need calm and quiet - inner and outer "hush."

1. Letting go is an inner journey.
2. Letting go feels painful.
3. Letting go brings up a lot of resistance.
4. Letting go feels lonely at times.
5. Letting go removes the veil of forgetfulness.
6. Letting go reveals the oneness of things.
7. Letting go is liberating.
8. Letting go shines light on things.
9. Letting go purifies your soul of attachments.
10. Letting go grounds you.
11. Letting go helps you to surrender.
12. Letting go helps quiet your mind.
13. Letting go reveals your true self to yourself.
14. Letting go opens your heart to true love.
15. Letting go helps you return home.

Time Off -

I'm going to take this month off in honor of those women who are dealing with breast cancer, who have won - in living and in death, by being strong, being weak, being tough, being sensitive, being true, faking it until they made it, and walking their days with their heads held high, or low, because they kept and keep putting one foot in front of the other. 

See you in November. 


(PS - I imagine several of you will lose track of me with that month of no posts. I want to thank you for your readership - you've been a great audience for venting, teaching, and learning.)

It's that Time of Year - Pinktober -

Here we go again - pink ribbons EVERYWHERE, posters and billboards and ads reminding women to have their mammograms in abundance. I even say a pickup truck decal, in pink, today saying, "Save Second Base." Seriously? That's all breasts are good for - for a partner (or #metoo) to feel them up?

And what I want to say is this;

I survived breast cancer, and I am reminded, every. single. day. that I went through surgeries, 8 chemo treatments, 33 radiation treatments, numerous days of sick leave, numerous days of low blood counts, numerous times of hydration, numerous days of NOT being able to spend time with family, friends, and numerous days of no teaching. And that was all in a 9 month period.

And since my treatments finished on April 18, 2013? Time, effort, energy, focused concentration to heal - numerous days spent just freakin' getting better. And what did I lose - I've relayed that in this blog over the years; suffice it to say, that just now are my losses and gains beginning to even out.

Yet - what about those women who lost their "boobies," "ta-ta's," "2nd bases"? And what about those women who lost their lives because of these "titties"? Or even those women who aren't in remission, or who are, but know damn well their cancer will some day, some how, be back in their lives, or that even the words pink, cancer, boob-bees, sends them into an anxiety attack, and rightfully so?

Is "My other boob about killed me," really worth joking about? Does making light of the women whose other boob did or will kill them really funny? Valid? Worthwhile? When was the last time you saw a t-shirt or a bumper sticker or a billboard on I-15 say, "Where are those family gems now?" "I lost my gonads but have my life." "Don't squeeze those balls too hard." "Save the bat and balls," or anything that in a pink-free, cancer-free world may be seen as crass and not publishable?

Would you want your life, your disease to be a commercial? Are breasts a commodity that can be bought and sold during October? Has corporate America exploited cancer for monetary gain - played on the emotions of losing a body part? And the donation percentage made to breast cancer organizations is often so miniscule as to even make this a laughable gesture (last year I saw, in the "reduced" section of a craft store, pink beads, with "A percentage of this sale will be donated to a breast cancer organization," stamp, reduced by nearly 90%). Big donation, hey!

Why does Breast Cancer Awareness Month (and beyond) get more media play than any other cancer? Sexy? Value? Monetization? Multi-gender buy-in? Perhaps valuing the woman is more important than valuing her body parts - just sayin'.

If you want to make a difference, rather than buying some cute pink thing/tool/shirt/socks in the store, donate to Living Beyond Breast Cancer or the American Breast Cancer Foundation. And - just an FYI, breast cancer research benefits all other cancers, so the funding, regardless of cancer you feel is over-looked or un-important, does benefit from breast cancer research.

And, in case you were wondering, I've written about Pinktober over and over and over again, and the links are below (pics disappeared, don't know why). Happy October!

Cancer Does Not Discriminate -

A young woman I know died last week from cancer that began in her breasts, went to her brain, landed in her lungs, and she was dead within 9 months of diagnosis. She left behind a devoted husband and 2 year old child; they had been married less than 5 years. They were a beautiful family, obviously in love, and they had just moved in to a new home.

Today I spent time with a woman my age, whose husband has been dying of cancer for more than 8 years. His miraculous remission was taken away from him a few weeks ago, when his tumor reappeared, choking off his liver, kidneys, gallbladder, and intestines. This woman has been his primary caregiver for all of these years, defining herself through his cancer and related illnesses that needed nearly 100% of her time. She has no idea who she is, who she wants to be, or even how to begin thinking about this, yet she has been preparing for this time for so very long.

On Thursday I had the opportunity to visit with a young mother just finishing her last treatment of chemo, and preparing for her 30+ rounds of radiation. She's scared; not of the treatments, but of "what's next." Her life has been so wrapped up in the false security of cancer treatments, that she's lost sight of the world around her, and yet she's so anxious to get back into that world that her anxiety is controlling her. And she can't go back to who she was, and tomorrow is filled with the fear of the unknown.

Damn - cancer sucks, and it is no discriminator of age, stage, gender, livelihood.

The young mother who died last week? And who knew her days were quickly coming to an end? She wrote her obituary, and these were her closing words:

"...but it occurred to me that this life is about the fight for immortality, not for mortality."

Cancer Sucks

Prayer - This I Believe -

Every autumn children in our church congregation gather to "perform" during our worship service. This year their theme is "I am a Child of God."

In this era of social media and social shaming and blaming and the frenzy to point fingers and look for the suspicious, I am grateful for what I know - yes, know. And that is, my Heavenly Parents listen to me, and they answer my pleadings. And while the media and the vocal minority may say Mother is missing, equality is missing, women are shamed and men are blamed, and faulting the Other, and there is so much pain and poverty and hurt and depression, I count.

There have been so many times I've sang this song: "A Child's Prayer," to myself, to comfort, guide, reinforce, and plead for help. When I've doubted, when I've hurt - emotionally, physically, intellectually, when I am empty beyond words and hopeless beyond measure, these words bring me comfort. Prayer works for me; and wherever my prayers land - earthly or heavenly, they are received, listened to, and returned to me.

And in #MeToo, as the male teachers (there are men and women teachers, but this was sung only by the men) stood to sing along with the Primary children two weeks ago, goosebumps came.These teachers/fathers were singing this as their promise to the children, as well as their Heavenly Parent's promise. I know they are good men, they want the best for their children, and they will do anything to protect them - yours and mine, as well as just be good men - who for all that is bashed about them, are kind, want the best, and strive to be their best.

Lyrics:

Sung by children: 

1. 1. Heavenly Father, are you really there?
   And do you hear and answer ev’ry child’s prayer?
   Some say that heaven is far away,
   But I feel it close around me as I pray.
   Heavenly Father, I remember now
   Something that Jesus told disciples long ago:
   “Suffer the children to come to me.”
   Father, in prayer I’m coming now to thee.
2. Sung by adults:
3. 2. Pray, he is there;
   Speak, he is list’ning.
   You are his child;
   His love now surrounds you.
   He hears your prayer;
   He loves the children.
   Of such is the kingdom, the kingdom of heav’n.     

1. 
   

   
   

Design Mom - Abortion -

This piece:

I'm a mother of six, and a Mormon. I have a good understanding of arguments surrounding abortion, religious and otherwise. I’ve been listening to men grandstand about women’s reproductive rights, and I’m convinced men actually have zero interest in stopping abortion. Here’s why…

If you want to stop abortion, you need to prevent unwanted pregnancies. And men are 100% responsible for unwanted pregnancies. No for real, they are. Perhaps you are thinking: IT TAKES TWO! And yes, it does take two for _intentional_ pregnancies.

But ALL unwanted pregnancies are caused by the irresponsible ejaculations of men. Period. Don’t believe me? Let me walk you through it. Let’s start with this: women can only get pregnant about 2 days each month. And that’s for a limited number of years.

That makes 24 days a year a women might get pregnant. But men can _cause_ pregnancy 365 days a year. In fact, if you’re a man who ejaculates multiple times a day, you could cause multiple pregnancies daily. In theory a man could cause 1000+ unwanted pregnancies in just one year.

And though their sperm gets crappier as they age, men can cause unwanted pregnancies from puberty till death. So just starting with basic biology + the calendar it’s easy to see men are the issue here.

Go to the blog to finish reading, and don't forget to read the 600+ comments. 

With Gratitude to Barre Toelken -

I was recently made aware that my folklore hero is on hospice care in Logan, Utah. We age, I know, yet I am saddened to see one of the greats reach toward his next adventure. Several of us were encouraged to send him a letter, and I know whether Barre hears my writings, read by a daughter, or not, writing this has been cathartic. And I limited my words, but could have continued my list for quite some time.

Here goes -

Dear Barre,

I am saddened to hear that your health is failing. I am grateful for the lessons you've taught me over the years - through classes and lectures as well as through the ways you have lived your life. Let me share, if you may.


1. Organize well and expect the best. The Fife Conferences were amazing opportunities for me to learn and grow and associate with folklorists of the highest caliber. And they came to USU because you invited them and because they were invited. And the lectures were intellectually stimulating and entertaining. I never felt like my time was wasted or my dollar ill-spent.

2. You can entertain and teach at the same time. Your sharp lessons and wit kept me listening and staying present, just because I didn't want to miss out on one thing you had to say. I knew I could hang my hat on your every word, and I embraced every moment I had to do so.

3. There is such a thing as long-distance education. Barre, two of my saddest times as a student were learning that you would no longer be teaching and that you would no longer be on my thesis committee. I looked forward to spending a few moments with you and learning about my abilities through your perspective. However - learning from those whom you taught as well as reading your writings gave me some of the education I would have received from you. Thank you.

4. Music is the international tongue. How many folklorists are musicians? Oh I envy you bunch! And the quality of musicianship that comes from each of you just overwhelmed me. I remember the first time I heard you sing - it was at a Fife Conference. You reached for your guitar and began playing and then singing, a sea-shanty - I think it was Roll the Old Chariot. I was mesmerized. I closed my eyes, and I was in the Northeast on a cold windy day, smelling the salt air, and listening to a bunch of burly sailors singing, with you leading them. Your voice did me in, and I looked forward to hearing you sing. My last experience was a couple of years ago at the Utah Folklore Society open house held in your home. There was a music circle, and you led the group in some amazing tunes. My daughter was with me, and she was spell-bound. I was so jealous of those who were able to learn these songs from you.

5. Lastly, but I could go on and on - you taught me, "So What," as one of the most valuable questions a folklorist could ask! And this made sense, and I've taught it to my more than 1000 folklore students over the years (and given you credit). So What - what is the value, what does it mean, what is the purpose; two words wrapped all of this inquiry up so well and complete.

Barre - you are my idol in the folklore world. If I could have been a Barre groupie, I would have jumped at the chance - and I know you definitely had a following. Thank you for the lessons - taught by you without a text. Thank you for your example of seizing life, living to the max, and embracing every moment and every person. You have been my example, and I wish you peaceful waves, calm weather, a pocket of tobacco, and a bottle of your favorite drink, as you continue on your journey.

My sincerest love, Ronda Walker Weaver (Utah Valley University, USU grad 2003)

Word of Wisdom Part 2 -

Today in worship service we sang this song. And I had to smile, based on the previous post. Aaah, the reminders we receive, when we're not looking!

PS - it wasn't quite this reverent, rather more buoyant and light, particularly with children singing as well.

1. In our lovely Deseret,
Where the Saints of God have met,
There’s a multitude of children all around.
They are generous and brave;
They have precious souls to save;
They must listen and obey the gospel’s sound.

(Chorus)
Hark! Hark! Hark! ’tis children’s music–
Children’s voices, oh, how sweet,
When in innocence and love,
Like the angels up above,
They with happy hearts and cheerful faces meet.

2. That the children may live long
And be beautiful and strong,
Tea and coffee and tobacco they despise,
Drink no liquor, and they eat
But a very little meat;
They are seeking to be great and good and wise.

3. They should be instructed young
How to watch and guard the tongue,
And their tempers train and evil passions bind;
They should always be polite,
And treat ev’rybody right,
And in ev’ry place be affable and kind.

4. They must not forget to pray,
Night and morning ev’ry day,
For the Lord to keep them safe from ev’ry ill,
And assist them to do right,
That with all their mind and might
They may love him and may learn to do his will.

Text: Eliza R. Snow, 1804-1887
Music: George F. Root, 1820-1895

Rant - Word of Wisdom -

I have a friend I walk with on Wednesday mornings. We have great conversations, typically honest banter, without drawing conclusions on any of our topics. We've spoken about marriage, second marriages, negotiating steps and holidays and responsibilities, children, gifting, nutrition, health, snoring, and addiction. We talk religious and secular, beliefs and actions, regrets and hopes.

Recently we discussed the Mormon way of breaking down the goods and bads of the Word of Wisdom - which emphasizes a path for maintaining a healthy body (the body is a temple), including exercise, balanced nutrition, and no tea, coffee, tobacco, alcohol, or illegal drugs, which is the primary thrust of the Mormon perspective of this Wisdom. For the most part, the Mormon conclusion is if you're not partaking of the above, and living the rest of the Wisdom following the "moderation in all things," dictate, you're doing well.

There is great history surrounding the very practical reason for this Wisdom, and historical presentations of when and for whom it was observed. What was once practical and advice, is now seen as revelation and command. Over the years this Wisdom has been brought to the forefront of science, as the need for eliminating harmful habits, including smoking. However, over the years the benefits of a cup of coffee or a glass of wine have been shown to be beneficial.

Yet, if we take a critical look at the Wisdom, and there has been document on document written about the Word of Wisdom, Mormons fail to emphasize moderation - perhaps the basic point of the Wisdom, which is - "sparingly" (D&C 89:12-14). And, the particulars do not specify anything other than the use of tobacco, hot drinks (soups, cocoa, Postum? - coffee not ok, caffeinated soda - good or bad?, chocolate?), and defining grains, fruits and vegetables, and meat, and the use of them (sparingly).

And, interestingly, another emphasis is on the blessing of being able to "run and not be weary and shall walk and not faint" (vs. 21).

And if you're obese, from not following sparingly or moderation, you cannot receive that blessing, correct? And if you smoke, drink tea or coffee, use alcohol, or illegal drugs, you cannot receive this blessing. If you ask a child or a teen about the Word of Wisdom, they will respond with the pat answer, but no depth. Yet this Wisdom is pounded in; ask a little child about this doctrine, and they will clearly explain no tea, coffee, smoking, drinking - but that's where it ends.

Often Mormons are interviewed by their religious leaders to determine their worthiness to spend time in sacred temples and fulfill "callings" in their congregations, while typically not a cause for a change in membership, although feels of guilt, or chastisement, for "breaking the Word of Wisdom" is a true emotion. A question is, "Do you observe the Word of Wisdom?" And typically that means what I've mentioned above with tea, coffee, etc. And we answer "yes," more often than not, but have been known to feel guilty or to answer , "No, but . . ." with justification. Yet what about the unspoken, but more powerful parts of the Wisdom?

Why is there not more attention played into this for members of the Church? If I'm obese, I'm not observing, but I am deemed worthy (often because, well, we don't want to hurt feelings), yet if I smoke, I'm deemed unworthy. But how about if I'm eating Paleo or Ketogenic, following the Atkins diet, or eating vegetarian?

Come on folks - seriously? Isn't it time to pat ourselves on our backs for what we know and do, but perhaps take a deeper look at what the Mormon culture sees as acceptable when observing the Wisdom and what seems unacceptable?

Think about it - and in the meantime, I'm off for a cup of -

(Mormon joke - Do you know how to tell a Mormon from a non-Mormon? By the temperature of their caffeine. [If you don't understand, ask a Mormon, a great topic for conversation.])

http://www.mormonthink.com/wow.htm

Susan Fitch Design