Headaches and Associated Triggers -

I began feeling a sinus cold coming on about 9 days ago. I postponed it while Scott and I tended Tyler's kids for the weekend - which was wonderful. Yet Monday morning I knew I was headed to a cold, and Tuesday I stayed home, working from home, in bed. Wednesday I rallied, but by Thursday I was through with my week. In fact, I was so sick Scott had to "teach" my class on Thursday evening. Friday morning I made it into work on a Sudafed, Mucinex, and large cup of strong coffee. My 9am I was having a headache like no other. I would imagine the stimulants drove my system crazy - I was shaking so hard I could barely drive home and dive into bed.

And this is when the trigger hit me. Morning, terrible headache, wanting the lights off, a warm fuzzy blanket, and no sound - I was right back where I was a couple of days after my first chemo treatment when all the steroids and chemicals hit me fully. I remember being so afraid - wondering if this was going to be my new life; wondering if I'd ever see clearly again; doubting my ability to make it through the day. And insecure and sad, very very very both.

My anxiety shaking my body, my headache pounding, my inner-self completely scared, and yet - I knew I could make it through this. There's the golden egg in this terrible trigger-infested day -  I can do hard hard hard hard hard things!

And so with the help of a warm blanket, a quiet dark room, and a semi-calm heart, I weathered the storm. My mind was racing - so I couldn't focus, and of course, if there was anything in my mind that was at unease, I stirred it up more.

Nighttime came, I was afraid to take anything to sleep, my head still aching, and then I remembered I had some lozenges from Washington. So I bit into one, popped half in my mouth, and by the grace of God and THC, I slept.

Saturday morning I still had residual affects of my headache - namely sore head, blurry vision, and congestion from the cold. By mid-day I was feeling quite a bit better. And today, I think I'll be able to work tomorrow.

I don't have cancer; I don't have a debilitating disease; I am not dying or even walking around near-death. But there are constant triggers - pain, headaches, anxiety - that trail behind me waiting for me to slow down enough to jump on my back and weigh me down.

What could I have done differently? Not tended grandkids? No. But I could have laid flat, hydrated, given my body a chance to do what it knows how to do - heal. And - I'm tossing the Sudafed, bad bad, hanging on to the lozenges though.

Life is good.

Sabbath at the Hospital -

This week the hospital where I work moved the chapel into a new location. Remodeling and building has been going on for 5 years, with another 2 to finish! And the hospital chapel being in place is the last step of this section of the project. 

We have an LDS Branch of retired couples that serve at the hospital. They visit the LDS patients during the weekday evenings, then have 2 - ½ hour Sacrament meetings and take the Sacrament around to patients who can’t get to the meetings.

I went to work today, just to make sure they LDS Branch had what they needed, and to be of support to them as they became acquainted with a new area and a new process. As I walked toward the new chapel, I thought of how blessed I am to live in a place where worship is acceptable, even good, and it doesn’t need to be hidden. I am grateful for the opportunity to serve patients, their families, and staff, being able to talk about what they hold sacred. One of my favorite questions is, “What brings you hope?” And often it’s family, a place to worship, Jesus, sunshine, knowledge of a Higher Power. And today, I thought, “There’s hope in this new chapel. There’s hope because we have a chapel; it was included in the blueprints of a new hospital. It wasn’t overlooked; it wasn’t negated; this space is important, and that was acknowledged from administration down to the builders. Spirituality is important.” And then I went with Scott, and 3 of Tyler’s children to the Sacrament meeting, sang hymns, and worshipped.

Anxiety Memes -

How about for once we ask someone what they'd like us to do rather than telling them what they should do?

So Over This Weather -

Here in my neck of the woods we can complain about the snow as long as we add, "but we need the water," to the end of our complaint. This is similar to the preface - "bless her heart," when then moving on to a "but . . . "

So today - WE DON'T NEED THE SNOW! We have all the water we'll need for this summer and another, and there may be flooding, particularly where the lack of water caused giant burns in many areas.

As three of us were driving to the airport early this morning,
and as we left our homes where there was a light wind but no snow,
and as we drove 45 miles in more than 2 hours because the snow hit with a furry and flurry,
and as we arrived at the airport with 1 minute to spare, making it through security 6 minutes too late, and as the gate was closed and no one at the counter,
and as we had to rearrange our flight for our conference that begins this evening,
and as we could not all 3 find a flight together,
and as 1 waited at the airport for her 5:30pm flight,
and as 2 of us took the Frontrunner home for 6 hours,
and as we now will be taking the red-eye to our conference, arriving at 5:30am,
and as I do not sleep on planes -
I AM SO OVER THIS WEATHER!!!

http://www.avocadorunners.com/2018/04/03/no-winter-lasts-forever-no-spring-skips-its-turn/

Can You - Remember the Last Time You Cried - International Women's Day -

My writing prompt for today is: When was the last time you cried?

Interestingly, it was just this past Tuesday. I'm not much of a crier, often I stuff my emotions, my hurt, and bully through in anger or fear or resignation - whether that's a physical or emotional hurt. In fact, I seldom cry when I'm in physical pain; I may swear or moan, but I don't cry. 

Emotional pain, that's another story. I cried when I made the decision to ask for a divorce. I cried in resignation, deep-sorrow, loss. Then I cried after my divorce in frustration that none of my leads for jobs on the east coast were panning out. Then I cried when Scott and I decided to get married - in absolute astonishment and amazement that being a we was even a possibility. 

I cried when my son-in-law was electrocuted, burnt, brain-damaged. I cried for my daughter who would be carrying this load - for years to come. 

I cried when my son, out of frustration and fear (I believe), told me he didn't want to talk to me, that I had f'd up his life. Thank God, through time, space, and a history of great communication, we are talking and enjoying each other these days. 

I cried when I was told I had cancer. I cried when I was so very very tired from chemo and radiation, and all I wanted to do was disappear - forever. In fact, I cried many times - hurt, fear, sorrow, fatigue, anxiety, and adjusting to a new me. 

I cried when my father died - not the moment he passed, but a few weeks later, when I realized I was not hearing his band-saw and his compressor - I didn't hear him working on his wood, and the absence of sound made me cry. 

I cried the last time Scott and I argued. I never ever ever want to be so angry or so sad that I feel depleted, defeated, dismayed.

I cried about 4 months ago when I realized my expectations and my reality did not coincide - my culture, my beliefs, my soul, my heart, were in-congruent. I cried tears of disappointment, relief, sorrow, exasperation, and resignation. What I know and what I have been taught to believe no longer line up, and I have had to determine how to carry on. 

And Tuesday, after saying "no" to a request, and supporting that "no," I received a text, a bullying sexist text, from someone I thought was a colleague. And then I was pressured by another colleague I fully trusted to compromise/give in, I cried out of frustration and out of a fear that perhaps I was becoming the "bitch" I had worked so hard to say good-bye to. And I cried. I cried because my voice was not valued. I cried because my hard work was not considered. I cried because someone thought he could treat me this way. I cried for all of the women I love who feel pressured to do what they don't want to do, by a man, by a manager/director/supervisor, and are forced to compromise their standards. And I cried because I said, "Trust me," and these 2 individuals decided I was not valued enough to trust. 

And in this day of Women - I am grateful to have a strong voice, a thoroughbred personality, a git-'er-done attitude that has nothing to do with speaking in a man's voice, with being a weakling, with being bitchy. I am grateful for my tears that not only release physical, but emotional toxins from my body, my soul, and allow me to be true. 

cahttps://drjudithorloff.com/the-healing-power-of-tears/ption

Can You Remember - Cooking Disasters -

I've been thinking about life stories lately. What would mine look like? What would my story even be? So I took a look at the writing prompts I use when teaching others to write their life stories, and I figured I'd give them a try. My blog may be turning from cancer to living - hurray!

Question:

Can you remember a time you tried to cook something and it didn't turn out?

I can make nearly anything - that is, except bread and decorating a cake. Neither of these interest me. Well, I can make a darn nice loaf of focaccia or a loaf of French bread, but traditional loaves of bread or rolls are not my forte. I've made more bricks and hockey pucks that toastable bread; just the way it is. And as for cakes, I can make a beautiful cake with chocolate chips and nuts baked into the top, but frost it? The only frosted cakes I've ever made were 2 Barbie cakes - a domed cake with a Barbie bust stuck in the middle and the cake decorated like her dress. One was a birthday cake for Jenna, the other was a Halloween cake for Tyler. Oh, and I helped Tyler decorate a cake when he was running for Mr. Springville in high school. It was a spaghetti and meatballs decorated cake. I'll go for unique over tradition (bread and cakes) any day.

I do remember my first cooking disaster when Scott and I were just married. We were having his friends over for dinner, and I decided to impress with stir-fried vegetables, sweet and sour chicken, and home-made egg-rolls. The egg-rolls were easy to wrap, then I popped them one by one in the little instant fryer, pulled them out, drained them on paper towels, and put them on a pan in the oven to stay warm. However . . . the oven was too high, and the egg-rolls were too greasy, and there was a very nice fire in the oven! Our guests were welcomed to our home to the smell of burning grease. Lovely way to impress.

I had another cooking fire the other day, shortly after Christmas. I was heating up some cream syrup to go on pancakes, and I needed to make some more, so I combined what I had to my new ingredients, and kaboom - the pan boiled over and the stove was a firey mess. The house filled up with smoke, the smoke alarm was roaring, and yuck. After opening all doors, tossing the expensive syrup in the sink, and cleaning up baked on butter, cream, and sugar off my flat stove, the pancakes, keeping warm in the microwave above the stove, were a disaster.

I guess typically I cook to be unique, or I cook simply. That way nothing fails. My muffins are heavy (lots of grains), my chicken is tender, my rice is spicy, my veggies baked, my cakes filling, and my potatoes and gravy are the best in the valley.

Happy eating -