Best, and Worst, of 2019 -

2019 - Dreams lost, feet fried, friend gone, conflicts arose, project denied, classes retired, empty defined, hours questioned, days counted, patience dissolved, relationships tested, sinuses cleansed, steroids injured, self-confidence tested, sleep tanked, PTSD faced, anxiety maximized, fears arose, stomach ached, hope dissolved.

And yet -

60 faced, Scotland wandered, Idahome'd, brother visited, beach wandered, relationships strengthened, therapy faced, CBD/THC discovered, friendships made, self-care accepted, weakness confessed, limits allowed, family played, love increased, acceptance owned, compromises made, resolve heightened, Schitt's Creek delighted.

This - 

Wise Man and Foolish Man and Houses -

The Wise man built his house upon the rock, the Foolish man built his house upon the sand . . . as goes the children's song, complete with the swooshing of hands as the foolish man's house is washed away.

Taking this song literally - we learn from this that it's wise to build a house that will last forever and ever - on a firm, sure, earthquake and flood proof foundation. And while that may be ideal, is building a house that may be only temporary, a bad idea?

My parents generation was of the wise man camp - build one house, get one job, live there, work there until you retire, then die. Raise the large family, pay off the house, get the pension, and then . . .

My mother has lived in 4 houses in her life - two on the same piece of land in Idaho, one for 18 years, in town, and now the current home for more than 40 years. All houses built to stand, to last, to never be moved away from. She's also lived in some temporary houses - Hawaii, Philippines, cabins - for no more than 5 months in each -  but always kept that tether between the rock house and the sand house tight.

Us kids - all 7 of us could be called "foolish" as we have moved more than twice, built more than twice, lived in the same area in different homes, lived in different towns and states based on careers, family size, life-style choices. And no tight tethers - no going back to home, but going forward to the new home, a new type of rock or sand foundation. While the sand and storm didn't wash any of them away, we said good-bye and moved on.

For my mother, even living in her current home for more than 40 years, she lives temporary, she yearns to go home, while, interestingly, her children call her current home, home. The home she longs for is one that doesn't exist, change has taken away most of what Mom misses, yet her heart is there, not in the here and now. She would still rather have one rope attached to her heart, keeping her pulled toward Idaho.

It's been interesting to live with someone for these 40 years, who has always lived temporary, while building a home we could call permanent. Mother's temporary home has been 6 of the 7 children's permanent home.

And for all of us children - we're baffled, a concept that's difficult to grasp. We may not love the city where we live, yet we love what is inside our house, and we make choices every day to learn to love and get acquainted with this home. We call wherever we live permanent - knowing this will be temporary, yet getting involved in our communities, our schools, our neighborhoods, our landscape.

I love my home; I've lived here longer than anywhere else (except the home I was reared in in Idaho for 16.5 years). I have made it strong, gentle, loving, inviting. Do I think I'll die in this home - no. Do I think I'll live in this home forever - no. Will I be sad to leave this home - no. It is mine temporarily, in the sand, washing away as a new situation comes my way.

Who's wise, who's foolish - does it matter?

Where You Pitch Your Tent -

It’s Where You Pitch Your Tent

By David Hardy

Recently, our church finished a summer book-club reading of David McCullough’s The Wright Brothers. All through the course of the book and the discussion afterwards, I could not stop thinking about my daddy, who, to put it mildly, loved airplanes.  Which, strangely enough, led me to the Genesis story about Lot.

Daddy got his pilot’s license at 16, supposedly without his parents knowing it. I don’t know how you would do that, but that is the story I remember, true or not. By the time my brother and I came along, he was a corporate pilot, eventually joining the Alabama National Guard part-time, flying helicopters. When the last company he flew for sold their plane, he went full-time with the Guard, but ended his flying career back in an airplane cockpit, working as a sort of corporate pilot for the U.S. Army.

Which brings us to Sodom. It was the day of my father’s retirement ceremony when I heard him read this passage from Genesis. He told of how, in 1949, his parents decided to move from the rural Old Town section of Dallas County, Alabama, closer to town, so he and his two older sisters could go to school in Selma. The land they moved to was part of the farm that belonged to the family of my Great-Grandmother Hardy — and right next to Craig Field, built in 1940 by the Army Air Corps to train pilots for the coming war. 

Though admittedly a strange choice for this (or any) occasion, the scripture Daddy had chosen was making a little sense to me now. Things didn’t go so well for Lot, as you might know, but what happened to him and his family came because of where he chose to plant his tent, in Sodom. Daddy’s point was, just like Lot in Genesis, where his parents placed their “tent” — right next to an airfield — had a profound effect on him, albeit in a more positive way. 

Daddy talked about being a boy, sitting on the roof of the house they built, just watching the planes take off and land. He was smitten by flight, and determined at a young age that he would fly.

For daddy, flight was an obsession. He wasn’t “just” a pilot. Our house was full of books and poems about flight I remember reading not only about the Wright Brothers, but also about the French pioneers Bleriot and the Montgolfier brothers. Our house was full of model airplanes we built. He would take my brother and I flying, sometimes taking off and landing on the runway he made in the cow pasture out at Old Town. On the best days, we would “dive bomb” tractors in the fields of people we knew. I remember us making an airfoil as a science project, making it “fly” by using a hair dryer. He always used sayings about how flying was like life. My favorite was: “Takeoffs are optional, but landings are mandatory.”

It is impossible for me to think about him without thinking about airplanes — or to think about airplanes without thinking about him.

Once he retired from flying, he and Mama moved to Belize as missionaries. While there, he got a serious pancreatic infection from gallstones and had to be airlifted from Belize to University of Alabama at Birmingham Hospital. He never left. 

Thus, his last act outside of that hospital was to make one last flight. True to form, all he wanted to talk about was the plane ride. It was a Learjet, the inside was nice, and the pilots did a great job of landing in Birmingham. From his childhood to his death, he held a sense of destiny about flying — all seemingly caused by where his parents placed their “tent.”

He’s been gone five years now, and I am approaching 50 years of life and 25 years of marriage. I find myself thinking about where we have placed our “tent” and how that will affect the lives of our two girls as they start to find their path in this world. We are entering the “college search” season for both of them. I wonder about how to help them find their way; I didn’t find my own professional path until my early 30s.

My wife and I have built a good life. We have careers that leave us fulfilled and happy. However, if our two girls look off the roof of our house, I can’t help but wonder what they see. What does their “tent” face?  

There is nothing as distinctive as an airfield for them to look at, no airplanes to captivate them. Instead, we have tried our best to place our “tent” near our values, like faith, decency, kindness, goodness, and hard work. 

Those who know me well know I am, by nature, a doubter and a pessimist. I am haunted by questions about our daughters. Have we done enough? Have we given them what they need to create their own independent, decent, and fulfilling lives? Was our “tent” good enough? Did it face enough good things? Most of the time, I believe we have done our best by them, but the doubts and fears are never far.

When I think about my life so far, I often think of a line the great Kentucky writer Wendell Berry’s put in the mouth of the lead character in his 2001 book, Jayber Crow:

“I am an ignorant pilgrim, crossing a dark valley. And yet for a long time, looking back, I have been unable to shake off the feeling that I have been led — make of that what you will.”  

Honestly, despite our different paths, I don’t feel less “led” than daddy. My greatest hope for our two girls is that when they find their paths, they will never shake the feeling they were led there by someone and/or something.

And that one day, as they approach 50, something in this world will make them think of their daddy the way airplanes make me think of my mine.

Merry Christmas 2019 -

Rest and Be Thankful (Scottish Highlands, May, 2019)

My friend's post about Moving On -

I've known Jeremy for about 10 years. He's had quite the life, can tell quite the tales, and he's a beautiful listener. This bit of introspection is what I need right now. Perhaps you do too -

Moving On

Cancer forever changed my life. In many ways for the better. It forced me to simplify and prioritize. To think about death and what I want for the rest of my life. With this emphasis on what I want came a natural result of getting rid of things I don’t want. This included ditching external distractions on one hand such as social media, excessive email utilization, unhealthy eating, and interests that no longer suite my lifetime goals. And on the other hand eliminating internal distractions such as destructive beliefs about myself. I didn’t realize the impact this would have for me in regards to moving on from negative past experiences. This became evident with regular mediation for me.

During my early morning mediations lately, I have been connecting naturally with my inner child. I start with box breathing to settle myself down, getting into a deeper, more present state. With box breathing you imagine tracing a line around a box while you breath or hold your breath for a 4 seconds at a time. Essentially I breath in for four seconds while I trace the box up, hold for four seconds while I trace the box over, breath out for four seconds while I trace the box down, and hold it for four seconds while I trace the box to complete the square. I then repeat until I’m in a connected state. That’s when I connect with the inner me.

Lately I have been connecting with the inner me and am taken back to a particularly traumatic experience from my childhood. I usually hold my inner child while he cries or offer him encouraging words. Sometimes I just sit with him silently as he expresses his confusion, terror, and sadness over the event. Sometimes I become one with my inner child and feel what he is feeling. I don’t know why this has been happening. I just allow myself to go wherever my meditation takes me and this is where it has been as of late. Yesterday though, it was quite different in nature.

Yesterday after my box breathing I had a profound experience. When I saw the inner me, he was super excited and celebrating. We were in the area where my trauma took place, but it was different. There were streamers and all sorts of decorations. Fireworks were going off and my parents were cheering for me from inside a house. The strong impression I had was that I was somehow moving on or graduating. It was as if I had found the healing I was looking for and that it was time to move on. Move on from the experience. Also, move on from the limiting beliefs that came as a result from the experience that have affected me my whole life.

I see understand more now the possibility of moving on from bad things. Perhaps it was mainly the cancer that helped me with this. Or maybe the years of therapy, learning, self help, and grace of God also had something to do with it. Regardless, this mediation session was a culminating event for me. We may never forget the bad experiences and trials we face, but it doesn’t mean we can’t move on from them in time.

Jana Reiss and Mormonism -

She's good, and I can't think of a time I've disagreed with her perspective.

Two, just this week, that ring true to me, and while I thought about elaborating, her words are enough.

https://religionnews.com/2019/12/12/the-stubborn-faithfulness-of-liberal-mormons/

https://religionnews.com/2019/12/10/postcards-from-the-protestant-decline-in-america/ - Mormons are pretty slick in how they respond to this decline - namely - make them feel (not only feel, but required) to be needed.

Carol Lynn Pearson - No More Goodbyes -

Talk by Carol Lynn Pearson

Encircle Summit, December 7, 2019, Lehi, Utah
Given to 500 LGBTQ youth

“WHAT DO YOU THINK GOD THINKS OF YOU?”

I’ve spent the last year re-visioning heaven, re-visioning God. And I recommend this to all of you. If you don’t like the word “God,” think “Source” or “Universe.” But let’s just simplify and call it God.

My question for you today is: “What do you think God thinks of you?” Not what does your mother or your bishop or your pastor think. But God Himself and God Herself--as I know, and I hope you know—that our Creator is a magnificent partnering of the feminine and the masculine.

I’ve been writing new poems, and one that I like a lot concludes with this line:

“God spoke to me this morning and said, ‘How I love the thought of you. Here’s another day—just think what you can do.’ ”

I stumble a lot and sometimes feel lost in the dark, but when I’m in my right mind I really think God loves the thought of me, the thought that is me, the thought that is you, and the thought that is each of us.

In my poetic mind I sense God as the Great Thought, the First Thinker—“I think; therefore I am the Great I Am.”

So what do you think God thinks of the thought that is you?—as a person and as an LGBTQ person. Have you outsourced that thinking to someone else that you believe knows God better than you do?

And if that someone else thinks that God thinks you are evil or wrong or just not good enough, do you accept that view even though it leaves you in a place of despair?

My book “No More Goodbyes” tells too many stories of the terrible goodbyes we continue to say to our LGBTQ sisters and brothers—to ill-fated marriages, family alienation and suicide.

One of the stories I tell in this book is of my gay friend Brad. He was a convert to the LDS Church, loved it deeply, did everything right, served a mission, knew he would be healed of what he thought to be a curse. He was not healed.

He told me through his tears that he knew God must hate him, that he was surely destined for the lowest part of heaven and he’d just as well go now. He gathered a large supply of pills, took them one night, knew he would have about fifteen minutes, drove directly to the Provo temple, sat on a bench and watched the night sky. He said to me, “I chose that place because I thought there would be kind angels there who would take me in and care for me.” And shame on us that we were not those kind angels here on earth taking care of him.

Brad was in a coma for two weeks but survived. What Brad thought that God thought of him was not only false, it was death-dealing. As you know, that story continues to play out all too often. We must change our perception of God. And most urgently we must change our perception of God’s perception of us.

Once God revealed, “I am Love.” To me that means, as expressed in the little song you may have sung—“Where love is there God is also.” Meaning to me that wherever we find real love—in any community—in Islam, Catholicism, Mormonism, in no ism at all—there God is. And meaning that wherever in a heterosexual union or a homosexual union we find real love, devotion, honor, patience, kindness, faithfulness, there too is where God is.

My very dear LGBTQ sisters and brothers, you now have under the law equal opportunity to create relationships. Please use that opportunity to think not just in terms of sex but in terms of love. Sexual attraction is not a destination, it is an invitation, an opportunity to create love. And being loved thoughts of a loving God, creating love is our calling, our reason for being.

Falling in love is a beautiful step, but rising in love is the destination.

We will all mess up, sometimes big time. But that’s why we have each other. As I write in the final paragraph of “No More Goodbyes”:

“We take turns, then, don’t we? When you are caught on any plain where love is not, I will gather what I have and bring what I can. And when I have used up all my love and am stranded in the cold, I will watch for you to appear with fresh supplies. That way we can make it, I think, all of us. We can be sufficiently creative and sufficiently kind that we will draw circle upon circle upon circle, bringing each other in, leaving no one out, joining, linking, enlarging, until the pattern of the whole human family, seen through the eye of God, is complete.”

So this is the gift I leave with you. As you are going about your life, the happy times, the harsh times, please pause for a moment and say to yourself—

“God spoke to me this morning and said, ‘How I love the thought of you. Here’s another day—just think what you can do.”

May it be so.

Chris Clark, ALS, and Living Life to Its Fullest -

I've admired Chris Clark for many years. When I learned that he had ALS, my heart broke. Why do bad things happen to good people? Top question on my "To ask God," list.

This video presents Chris and his family in a great, and true, light. Thank you, Chris, for your goodness.

December -

The last month of this decade! What are my plans?

Finish Christmas gifts and distribute, this week.
Decorate the house for Christmas, this week.
Entertain - our home or children's, or elsewhere, all month.

Sleep.
Heal.
Cut down on sugar.
Be positive.
Be grateful.
Exercise.
Enjoy every single moment of this month to the best of my ability.

Housekeeping -

How often and how deep do you clean house? Here's my weekly list - I'm a believer in do it regularly and occasionally deep, than do it occasionally deeper!

Housecleaning List

Kitchen:

Shake rugs

Wipe off counter-tops and cabinets with disinfectant or degreaser

Wipe off stove and refrigerator

Wipe off kitchen table and chairs

Dust

Sweep the floor

Mop floor with disinfectant cleaner

Change towels

Front Room:

Dust - make sure to get window sills and fireplace mantel and hearth

Make sure couch cushions and pillows are in place

Vacuum

Library:

Dust - get window sills, around books

Vacuum

Entrance and Stairway:

Shake rugs

Vacuum stairs

Sweep

Mop

Bathrooms:

Clean sinks, tubs, shower, toilets, vanities, backsplash, molding

Clean mirrors

Shake rugs

Sweep

Mop

Change towels

Bedrooms:                                                                               

Dust window-sills                                                                              

Dust                                                                                                                           

Vacuum                                                                                                          

Other:

Shake rugs outside

Sweep front porch and back steps

Make sure back door, sliding doors and front door windows are clean

Wipe off doors and light switches as needed

Dust and wipe off blinds as needed

Thoughts Do Not Equal Truth -

"If the doors of perception were cleansed every thing would appear to man as it is, Infinite. For man has closed himself up, till he sees all things thro' narrow chinks of his cavern.” 
- William Blake


Michael Neill's TED talk is quite the reminder - "What the mind expects tends to be realized." 

Humbled - Again -

Just when I think it can't get any worse, it gets better.

I'm constantly amazed at the generosity, tenacity, ignorance, goodness, bitterness, in this world. And I am humbled every time the good wins.

And I'm exhausted by the battle.

Prednisone and Jerks -

I had sinus surgery on Thursday. It went pretty well, yet I have had horrible reactions to the steroids I have been on.

Let's see:

Shakes
Puffy face
Red face
Nausea
Dizziness
Anxiety
Sleeplessness
Jerk

Which reminds me of this article I read the other day. Happily, after 2 days of being a total jerk, I realized how irrational I was being, was able to look at myself (with the help of a very very patient husband), and go off them. Feeling much better this morning.

Carter - Muscular Dystrophy -

Scott's son, Daniel, and DIL, Autumn, have 3 beautiful children. 2 girls and 1 boy. Their son, Carter, has Muscular Dystrophy. A debilitating genetic neuro-muscular disease, degenerative, passed through the mother's genes to typically sons. Autumn has a brother and 2 other nephews with MD, as well as an uncle.

Carter, smart, sassy, cute, and strong. So far he has avoided heart complications, yet has had 2 other major surgeries in his young life; he's 15, and has had his craniofacial surgery, Achilles tendon surgery on both legs, and this week he will surgery number 3 - rods placed in his back to permanently straighten terrible scoliosis.

Strong people, amazing family, great support, and I ache for them. Carter has been home from school most of the year because of his pain and weakness (Can you imagine carrying a backpack, walking down a hall to class, not being able to fully extend your limbs, and still trying to be 15? Tough.) This surgery will be a success, and he should be back to school, rather than packets, in January.

Genetic disorders - and the choices that come along with them, as well as the repercussions - including stress and monetary cost, are terrible. And these days, while many can't be cured, at least they can be tamed.

Love you, Carter! God bless you, your family, surgeons, and your caregivers.

July, 2018

Humility -

This past few days I've been called out on 2 of my weak points.

One - while I'm a good listener, I do like to talk, and often when I'm on the defensive, or feel like I should be defending, I interrupt others. As well, when I know time is of the essence, I will push my way through, just to be fast and "cognizant of others time."

I have pushed a few times the past few months, and my excuse is that I've been pushed, and yet I'm fully aware that pushing in reaction to being, just makes for tension. And there has been, on more people than just me.

A colleague called me out, in the name of kindness and need-to-know, and yet though I have been painfully aware all weekend of my actions, I needed to hear this from him, in generosity. Gratefully I'd already made the resolution to listen, and I do get to practice this with the same group tomorrow. Thank heavens for 2nd chances. And 3rd.

I love information, and I appreciate answers, and when I can't get answers to the questions I have, I go searching. I went searching for answers where I shouldn't have, getting them, and I was called on it. And I owned it, without excuses.

In both cases I was humiliated. And I felt sick to my stomach, teary, and weak. As I've thought of these happenings, the hymn "Be Thou Humble," and I knew this was a time I needed to be knocked to my knees, be teachable, and be guided.

Through my years, I've learned the best thing I can do when making mistakes is to accept my err's, to be aware that to err is human, and to use the reproach or critique as a lesson to learn. Otherwise, I do fail.

So my word for this month? Typically it's Gratitude, yet I think I'm going with Humble this year. I'm grateful for those who dare and for those who teach and for being brave and teachable.

Life Story Questions -

When Scott and I got married, 2 months after our first date, we really didn't know many "things" about each other. We were deeply in love, we knew our parents were friends - so we knew our history to some extent, but when it came to stories and just "get to know you" stuff, we were clueless. The same goes for our children, who, as steps, knew nothing about each other.

I began creating a list of questions, and over the years, I've gathered questions and used these over and over again for our families as well as for my students and our patients.

With these next 2 months being congregating times, I thought it a good idea to post these. There's so many ways they can be used (game, recorded, written, conversation), and they are simple questions, that if we pause and listen, or write, walk away, come back and add, can be so telling.

I've popped them in random groups, just because random questions can lead to amazing answers.


Questions for Gathering Stories

Can you remember a pet you once had, which you don't have anymore?
Can you remember a time when you got into trouble for something you had already been told not to do?
Can you remember a time when you broke something that belonged to someone else?
Can you remember a trip that you would not want to have to take again?
Can you remember a part or a date you didn't want to go on to begin with?

Can you remember a time when you were very sick?
Can you remember a holiday or birthday you would like to live over again?
Can you remember at time when you got lost?
Can you remember a time when you totally forgot an important date or appointment?
Can you remember a time when you learned something from a child?
Can you remember a time when your first impression of someone turned out to be completely wrong?
Can you remember a time when you received a compliment, you deserved?

Have you ever moved from one home to another?
What is your favorite movie, as a child, as a teenager?
What is your favorite snack food, meal, place to eat?
What is your favorite place to shop?
Can you remember your first trip to the doctor/dentist/eye doctor?
What is your favorite/least favorite school subject?

Can you remember your first job?
What is your favorite holiday?
Where is one place, in the world, you'd like to visit/live?
Did you have a favorite hiding or special thinking place?
Do you remember your first friend?
Do you have favorite people in your life?
Do you have a memorable person in your life?
Is there a person whom you wanted to be like?
Is there a person you were named after?
Were you named after anyone?

If you were another person, would you be friends with you?
Do you use sarcasm?
What is your favorite cereal?
Do you untie your shoes before you take them off?
Do you think you are strong? What is your favorite ice cream?
What is the first thing you notice about people?
What is your least favorite thing about yourself?
Who do you miss?

If you were a crayon, what color would you be?
What are your favorite smells, tastes, sounds, textures?
Do you like summer or winter?
Hugs or kisses?
Scary movies or happy movies?
What is your favorite dessert?
What is the farthest you’ve been from home? 
Do you have a special talent?

What single piece of technology makes your life easier?
If you had one wish what would it be?
What does the word "success" mean to you?
What would your dream job be?
What do you respect about your mother?
What do you respect about your father?
What do you feel strongly enough about to protest?
Who is your favorite teacher? Why?

What nickname do your friends call you?
What do you know how to say in a foreign language?
What are the qualities that make a good friend?
What is the best costume you have worn?
What slang word or phrase is most over used?
What is your warmest birthday memory?
Who is there in your life that you would take a bullet for?

Do you have any brothers or sisters?
Did you ever want to change your name? If is to what?
Who do you admire as a leader?
Who are you most like in our family?
What is the best complement you have received?
What movie can you watch over and over again?
If you were to write a novel what would it be about?
What is your favorite dessert?

If you had your own TV network what would you put on it?
If you could be any age what age would you choose?
Does your best friend call you his/her best friend?
What is the stupidest thing that one of your friends has done?
If we had an extra room in our home what do you thing we should uses it for?
What makes a house a home?
What poem do you have committed to memory?

Where do you what to live when you are on your own?
What is something you are really good at?
Who was the last person who had a crush on you?
If you needed someone to act as a character reference who would you chose?
Who do you turn to for advice?
What goals do you have for your education?

If we have guests in from out of town what do you think we should show them show them?
What was the last thing you lied about?
How would you describe your sense of fashion?
Do you have any brothers or sisters?
If you could go on a vacation anywhere in the US where would it be?

What song do you have memorized?
What scares you in the dark?
On a scale of 1-10 how strict are your parents?
Who is the worst teacher you now have? Why?
What are the qualities that make a good friend?
What is your favorite thing about summer?
What song do you love to dance to?
What makes you happy?

Who is your favorite Super Hero?
What vegetable do you hate?
If you could have one superpower what would it be?
Who taught you to cook?
If you could ask God a question what would it be?
What is your favorite way to spend a Saturday?
What do you like to cook?
Who taught you to swim?
What is the saddest movie you have seen?

#31 F Cancer - Awareness Months

#31 - NO MORE AWARENESS MONTHS

What if there were months celebrating, acknowledging, high-fiving, educating:

• Marital Bliss Month
• Third Marriage Month
• Angst Month
• Anxiety Month
• Alcoholics Month
• Plantar Fasciitis Month
• Step-children Month
• Can't Pay My Phone Bill Month
• No More Mortgage Payments Month
• Good-in-bed Month
• Bad-in-bed Month
• Sleepwalking Month
• Sleep Deprivation Month
• 'Yo Momma Month
• Plates and Screws in My Body Month

Enough - If everyone with any sort of ability or disability had their ability or disability hyper-commodified, we all would be walking messes. I'm tired of it. F Cancer, F awareness months. 

Bring on November! 

Nashville, April 2019

F Cancer #29 and 30 - Learning -

#29 and 30 - Learning

Way back, I was told that cancer would be my teacher long after treatments ended. And that has been so true. While I won't hang all of my growth and learning on the hat of cancer, I think my awareness is what it is because of my cancer, my career, and my daily activities. It's hard to leave cancer when seeing it on a daily basis.

In fact, a reason I hate Pinktober is because I see cancer on a daily basis. I don't need to be hyper-aware, hyper-alerted to cancer - FCancer!

And yet - this month I've been super introspective, and what I've learned about myself this month is:

• I am not perfect
• I am whole
• I carry my stressers internally, and they definitely have physical manifestations. 
• Some of these include: 
• Pinktober
• Chaplain bruhaha from this past year
• Unanswerable questions
• Hard brain work and team work still didn't warrant a "yes."
• What does "moving forward" look like. 
• Patients
• Do you take your work home with you? Was a question on the employee health assessment. Yup - particularly at 3am. 
• Retirement from UVU - who woulda thunk I'd be in withdrawal mode.
• A sense of urgency do use that retirement time wisely.
• My feet and leg 
• I have a boot on the troublesome leg, and I'm healing!!!
• Airbnb, while lovely is a lot of work. 
• Blocked Nov and Dec - 
• Commitment to Exercise
• Recommitted  - so many benefits
• Mom
• Serving her is a blessing
• Social Media
• Blogging is great, Instagram and Facebook are not. 
• I am weary
• And I'm ready to not be - what does that look like?
• I freakin' need my sleep, and I need to figure this out. 
• Time to visit the therapist I saw during my cancer journey. 
• Chaplains need chaplains. 
• My life is amazing
• Husband
• Career
• Family
• Health
• Home
• I must make time to create - this gives me time to think and stew and move on. 
• Sew
• Quilt
• Projects

I'm learning . . . 

F Cancer #28 - David Brooks and Character

#28 - Character

David Brooks, in his article in The Atlantic, writes this, about suffering: 

"When people look forward, when they plan their lives, they say, 'How can I plan ... [to] make me happy?'" Brooks noted. "But when people look backward at the things that made them who they are, they usually don't talk about moments when they were happy. They usually talk about moments of suffering or healing. So we plan for happiness, but we're formed by suffering." Like love, suffering exposes our lack of control over our lives. But it also encourages deep introspection and equips people with a moral calling. "They're not masters of their pain, they can't control their pain, but you do have a responsibility to respond to your pain," Brooks explained. He gave the example of Franklin Roosevelt, whose character was forged through his battle with polio. 

His philosophy on character is old-fashioned and yet timely. He doesn't mince words yet his experiences give credibility to his perspective. I like the guy. 

Anything you can read by Brooks will give you insight into living, which, of course, includes suffering. His columns lift me, inspire me, cause me to ponder, and give me nourishment for days. (And I find his thoughts on Adam 1 and Adam 2 fascinating.)

F Cancer #25, 26, 27 - Thoughts

F Cancer #25, 26, 27 -

One of my favorite pic options on my phone is that to capture an image. I love motivating thoughts; I love words, and any phrase that can trigger something positive in me gets snapped and saved. Here are a few -

F Cancer #24 - Marriage Lessons

#24 - Things I've learned about marriage (Cancer Lessons?)

• Before speaking hurtful or sarcastic words (or in that tone), ask: Whom is this serving? 
• Surrender to win (which is, after all, winning)
• Play offense, not defense - their best interests are your best interests
• You have the right to start the day over, at any time
• Hurt people hurt people
• Be intentional
• Leave the past in the past. Bring lessons and experiences to the present, but do not pry and poke and wonder - that is harmful
• Play - 
• Respect the dance - Your dance, His dance, Our dance

F Cancer #23 - Healing

#23 - Healing

Honestly - I just don't heal/bounce back/forward from any sicknesses or injuries like I did pre-cancer. And although I'm 7 years older than I was pre-cancer, my body just does not mend as quickly or fully as it used to. And when I do get an illness or injury, it is full-force, not just a minor illness.

Today I had my annual well-woman physical. I walked in with a list of concerns and walked out with a list of supplements and prescriptions and a "see you in 4-6 weeks" nod. Then I went to the physical therapist, who said my feet should definitely be mending, said radiation and chemo are hard on a body for decades (same thing my doctor said), and ordered me to a boot for the next 2 weeks 24-7, and then daytime for another 2 weeks, just to boost the healing.

Or course this scares the shit out of me, and I hate having to be hyper-vigilant, and yet I hate even more being less-than what I know I can be.

I've learned to trust a few medical providers, and my doctor and this PT are ones whom I can totally trust, who get me, who know my aversion to prescriptions and crutches, who know I want to heal, who know I will listen and be as proactive as possible, and who know how difficult waiting is for me.

I'll purchase the supplements, pick up my prescriptions, put the boot on my foot, and heal!

So now - I mend.

Putting On My Kwan Yin

https://stillbeloved.blog/2018/03/05/honor-your-hard-healing-work/

Honor Your Hard Healing Work

march 5, 2018 by victoria mcgee

"Hey, why aren’t you all the way healed yet? Aren’t you trying? What? You’re not done? Well, when will you be done? You don’t know? Why not? How long will this take? I need to get on with things, and this is really holding me back.”

Sound familiar? This inner critic, this part of our minds that keeps us from being happy needs to be smacked down sometimes. Well, not sometimes, pretty often actually. Okay daily, maybe hourly. Because it stands between us and happiness. It stands between us and peace of mind. It stands between us and God.

So today, I invite you to take a rest from your inner critic and honor the hard healing work you have done! Seriously, give yourself the gift of acknowledging how far you have come in healing from trauma. We hardly ever do this, do we? We work so hard, we pray, we heal, we take our baby steps, sometimes we have a huge breakthrough, and we just… keep going. Pause and look back at what you have done to get to this place in your healing.

Just as no one can walk this path for you, no one can acknowledge the work you’ve done either. Only you know the breathing, the reading, the therapy, the nights of constant praying, of turning it over to God again and again and again. Only you know – and God. I think the Divine is always looking for opportunities for us to heal more and to acknowledge us when we do. I can look back on my life and so clearly see times when the opportunities to heal would lessen so I could catch my breath and just live. Similarly, I clearly see the times when the opportunities intensified because I had to heal something deeper to move forward. God knows our needs, and I feel God celebrates our progress, not only for our own healing, but the healing of the world.

“We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.” ~ Maya Angelou

It takes really hard work to become a butterfly, and what do we do when we see one? We often stop, reverently, to admire it. It’s one of the few absolute transformations in nature we have probably seen in person. So we know that dark period in the cocoon can be long, but that so much is happening inside that we can’t see! Miracles are happening. So we stop and witness to it.

Do that for yourself. You are nothing less than a butterfly, and even if you’re still in your cocoon, not ready to come out – witness and have reverence for how far you’ve come. No one will do it for you, and it’s so crucial we do this for ourselves!

“We acknowledge our pain, not to get more depressed or to drown in the suffering, but to see the truth of our experience.” ~ Sharon Salzberg

What is the truth of our experience? Take stock today of your progress. Have you slept through the night? Decreased flashbacks? Have you asked for help in a healthy way? Have you surrounded yourself with supportive friends? Can you close your eyes and meditate? Can you stay alone? Do you feel closer to God? These are all wins and we deserve to pat ourselves on the back.

Our mind, body and spirit is running a marathon of healing. It’s a long race, so we must pace ourselves and recognize our immense progress along the way! There will always be more to do, more to heal, but just for today, acknowledge your own dedication and progress in healing. Rest in God’s arms, and join Him in being proud of you. Can I get an amen?

“Lovng ourselves through the process of owning our own story is the bravest thing we’ll ever do.” ~ Brene Brown

F Cancer #21 & 22 - Reflection

#21, 22 - Reflection

Some days I look into the pond and even with the ripples in the clear water I see myself, and I see myself clearly.
Some days I look into the pond and the past is behind me, and I see my shadow, and I grieve.
Some days I look into the pond and it's muddy and covered with autumnal leaves, and I wonder how on earth I'll ever be able to see myself in the murky waters.
Some days I look into the pond and the waves are too enormous for my gaze to go on.
Some days I daresn't even look into the pond for fear of what I will see -
Some days I daresn't look into the pond for fear of who I have become.

F Cancer #19, 20 - Blogging

#19, 20 - Blogging

Blogging has been the best therapy. Writing has given me an opportunity to calm my mind by putting my pen to paper. Having thoughts out of my mind and written down has given me not only a forum to share but a chance to hone my writing skills.

It's also been great to look back - seeing where I was, where I am, and the content of my experiences over the years; revealing what I'm pretty sure I couldn't remember without this medium. I'm never sure how long this blog will last, yet it will - probably as long as I have an introvert's need to get out of my head and into the moment.

Write on!

F Cancer #18 - Time

#18 - Time

As I finished my workout this morning my friend/trainer/confidante, Cody, and I talked about time being on our side and how sometimes the race to get something taken care of doesn't need to be a race, because of, well, eternity. 

And this morning this thought came up on my account today: 

F Cancer #17 - Standing Up for Myself

#17 - Standing Up for Myself

I had to weigh every single time I went into a doctor's appointment during my cancer treatment; this included chemos, hydrations, and weekly during 8 weeks of radiation. I get it, fluid retention, rapid weight loss and gain, yet adding one more stressor to my already angst ridden appointments. And by the time I was finished with treatments I had enough. Enough of being told to "stand on the scale."

In fact, I'd had enough of being told anything. And so my first time at a regular doctor's appointment, and I was asked to weigh, I said, "No, I won't today." And the nurse looked at me like I had broken a commandment.

Since then there have been plenty of times I've said, "No," in defense. No to weighing, No to eating eggs, No to extra time with someone, No to attending church, No to accepting an assignment, No to being told what to do, No to being pushed into something I'm uncomfortable with, No to allowing someone to know me better than I know myself.

Over these past 6 1/2 years I have said "No" more than I have my entire life. And my lesson has been that I know me! I know my purpose, my my path, my passions, my pursuits. And although I've also learned to be flexible these past years, I've learned that if I'm not happy . . . well, if I'm not happy, then I'm not happy! And saying No has allowed me to begin to control my anxiety and my fears. I can't be in charge of how someone else will take my No, yet guilt was a regular for the first hundred "No's."

I have learned to stand tall, to be me, to own my story, to let others do the same, and then to know when Yes is important, and when No is important. Hurray for me!

F Cancer #16 - Play

#16 - One powerful blessing of cancer is the realization that came that there is a time to play, and I must take time to play. To laugh outloud, lose myself to the moment, and to not turn down the opportunity to play!

So I'm off today to play! Happy Wednesday ya'll.

F Cancer #15 - Genetics

#15 - Genetics

After 7 years, I was brave enough to have genetic counseling done. My cancer is typically genetic; about 10-20% of breast cancers are Triple Negative; typically women under 50, a predisposition to cancer (genetic), and women of African-American, Hispanic, or Polynesian descent. I didn't fit into any of these categories! About 70% of those diagnosed with Triple Negative, have one of the BRCA genes.

Yet . . . it is considered to be the most aggressive cancer, and it does not respond to the traditional hormone therapies. If a woman can make it through 5 years without reoccurrence, that's great news, and 7 years is the bomb-diggity, ring-the-bells, do-pass-go, best news in the world.

And if a genetic test comes back NEGATIVE, halle-freakin-lujah. That's the best news ever for her and her family.

All new news to me over the past 7 years, and surprisingly, how something I knew absolutely nothing about can now bring such a huge sigh of relief!

Here's to clear breathing -

F Cancer #14 - Wildfires -

https://www.wildfirecommunity.org/ 

F Cancer #11, 12, 13 - Family

#11, 12, 13 - Family of birth and of choice.

My mother's birthday is on Saturday. I'm off for a few days to celebrate this special time with her and some of my siblings.

Family - they're everything.

F Cancer #10 - Hair

#10 - Hair

My eyelashes are back!!! I am absolutely giddy about having eyelashes! I don't have eyebrows, but that is so inconsequential.

I didn't mind losing my hair to cancer. And growing it back over the years - watching it evolve, has been interesting. I learned where my cowlicks are, where my hair is naturally curly, and not, and watched my color change from salt and pepper to blonde, to its own shades of gray.

I've watched my body hair come in, learning that I hate hair in my nose, understanding the minimal growth in other areas, and not liking shaving my legs.

I've had my eyebrow line lightly tattooed (not cosmetic tattoo, yet a line), in the hopes that would do until they grew back - and I do have a few hairs, but not many.

And I've mourned never having decent eyelashes, ever again. Yet this week as I've been applying mascara, usually fruitlessly, but nonetheless a habit, I noticed I actually have some length and some thickness. They are not sickly frail, but healthy! I am very very happy.

Gotta celebrate the little things! Because they are the big things.

F Cancer # 8 and 9 - Anxiety

# 8 and #9 -

I despise the anxiety that leaped into my life with my cancer diagnosis, and the anxiety that lingers - now with issues unrelated to cancer, yet regardless, is still a part of my life.

Take Sunday night - in bed, trying to sleep with a sinus infection, and Bam, heart palpitations, hard time breathing, sweating, claustrophobia, and a deep fear - related to . . . I have no idea! Nearly back to sleep after breathing through this, and Bam, again, the same thing. By this time I'm wide-awake, it's 4am, and sleep is no longer an option.

So I try to work through the anxiety - take it from the present and work back - ok, long day ahead of me, time with colleagues I haven't seen for a couple of years, a need to give some explanations and answer questions, no sleep, sinus cold. Yet I'm warm, cuddled up to a loving body, I've had a great day, nothing unusual happening or going to happen, overall - life is good.

Sometimes anxiety can't be explained, I guess! And so it deserves 2 spots on my F Cancer blogging spot this month.

At one time defined, these days no reason to, and I guess, no reason not to!