Keep your distance, don't share too much of you, it's about them/the material, not you, and on it goes. For the past 30 years I've kept my professional distance from students and patients, and because I have been the lone wolf at the University and at the Hospital, I have not had colleagues. So I've been swimming in this sea of "Don't get too close," for a long long time.
When I first began teaching I loved my students; I wanted to invite all of them home for Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, or even the weekend. I even invited them into my home to watch a couple of course reelvant movies each semester, until one day I was told that off-campus activities were prohibited. I realized I couldn't take care of them all, and I had my favorites - those who took more than one class, those who wanted to learn and didn't have any support, those from out of state without families nearby, those struggling financially. Those in the midst of a divorce, those struggling with addictions, with identity in a culture that told them who they were and what they were doing.
The University culture did that to me too - this is who you are, this is what you do, this is who you aren't, thos is what you don't do. And I stepped back from my students, separated myself from them, in the name of professional distance.
And yet - as an adjunct instructor, I wasn't given opportunities to mix and mingle and friendship full-time professors. In some ways adjunct instructors are looked at as a pariah, teaching when full-time instructors should be, taking jobs away. So, keep my professional distance.
As I moved into the healthcare this same "distance principle" was taught, but to even a stronger degree - HIPAA. And as chaplain, well, few colleagues, with even fewer people who even understand who and what a chaplain is. I'm not a nurse, a physician, an LCSW, rather . . . well, truthfully, no one really understood, particularly because I couldn't perform LDS rituals in an LDS predominant facility.
No colleagues here to commiserate with or share with; patients and their families typically only one to three visits, then either home or death. And those I did connect with, well, I think of those over the years where we did have a connection - perhaps six are still alive, still dealing with their ailments and diseases. I stay in touch with five of them, after having waited that official year, and having them reach out to me.
That professional distance applies to myself and my association with others. I'm an introvert, and my areas of study - folklore and chaplaincy, have provided me with opportunities to get to know others, their stories, their ways of life, their beliefs, their interpretations, their journeys. And it's been ingrained in my that I'm on the path with them and their journey for a short time, so, "don't get too close, and don't share your story."
It's a rare moment when I do share bits of me, and I think three times before speaking or sharing. I'm better at receiving stories and people and holding them gently, rather than asking anyone to take time to hear me.
Sadly, this attitude has bled into my personal life. I will admit that I've allowed other family members speaking space rather than speaking-up. I've protected others stories rather than shared mine. My children and grandchildren know little of my life, although they've certainly told themselves a story, and I slap myself for that, often even wondering if they would care about me, about my past, about my life, about my thoughts.
Now with my own counseling practice, Wren House, I find it a little easier to share bits of my life when applicable, yet the "don't get too close" mandate applies here moreso than any other time in my professional life, I'm on their journey for a moment.
Professional bounderies have their place, they are protection, yet dropping those for intimate relationships, for heart-to-heart sharing, for friendships, is difficult. "Ronda, I need a counselor, can you talk?" "Ma, I need Ma the counselor, not Mom, right now." "Ronda, can you take your teacher hat off and just be with me?" There are times when I'm not sure how to do Ronda!
This past few weeks my mantra has been, "Who loves me?" And when I reach out of my soul to find people I love, or who I think should love me, I quickly refocus on me, my heart, my soul, and feel the love of those who love me, those who dare bridge that professional distance and know me and love me. I've made a list, so that when I feel like I am giving to others and have no one for myself, I can find those people, who want nothing from me other than me, and receive their love. Closeness - communication increases vulnerability, increases safety, increases intimacy, increases communication.
I'll save that for another post.