Finding My Words - Again -

It's been a very long time since I've written. And it's not that I haven't had anything to say, but I've had no words with which to share my thoughts. 

Retirement, 3 weeks in England, home in the summer - the very best place in the world this time of year. 

My thoughts run rampant - in fact, I can't get my brain to stop, as much as I've tried. My thoughts vacillate between "be present, stay present," to "what's next, who's next, how am I going to get all of this done," to "breathe, in due time." 

My goals - finish psylocibin education, take grief and anxiety courses, grow my Wren House Counseling practice, have been in spurts and stops as I've made time for dates with grandchildren, morning walks with friends, dinners and swimming and visits with family, decluttering (mind and home), deck "davenport" conversations with Scott, a nap or two, trying to not feel guilty, and healing. Connecting, I guess, reconnecting. 

Healing - this has ultimately been my mantra: 

If you don't know what to pursue in life right now,

Pursue yourself. 

Pursue becoming the 
healthiest, happiest, most
healed, most present, most
confident version of yourself.

Then the right path will reveal itself. 

Even though I know what I want to do, "not now" has been my answer, and the realization that I really must take time to heal from the past thirty+ years of go go go, let it be, let it go, move forward, don't think about it, it will go away, stay quiet, be true, don't talk, speak up. Years of living under the dictates (and threats) of big business (and cancer) have left me weary to the bone, more exhausted than I could have possibly understood until walking away, stopping, reflecting, and then realizing the f*'ing impact of all of this - shame, blame, guilt, fear. Being able to breathe has even been difficult some days, and taking the time to process and heal has become my summer. And although I'll be awakening for some time, the journey, the process, is becoming a bit easier. 

Truthfully said, this has been my summer - and I'm good, and my words are returning.