Tabula Rasa

I love Henna art - when I knew I would be losing my hair because of chemotherapy, I began thinking about what I could do with my blank slate. I visited with my friend, Malissa, from Body and Soul Tattoo in Payson, and we decided henna art would be the perfect thing for this baldy.
So yesterday, Malissa performed her magic. We had a beautiful time visiting, and she fed my soul, from the top down. As I looked in the mirror after phase 1, phase 2, and then phase 3, it was all I could do to choke back the tears, this is exactly what I needed.
We've decided to go with a Head of the Month series; it takes about 3 weeks for the henna to wear off enough to begin again. I figure I'll be bald through at least April -

If -

I've been thinking about this two letter word this weekend: If.

. . . often proceeded by a four letter word, only.
If only I had . . .
If only we could . . .
If only she was . . .
And then we clutter it by adding a different pronoun - he, she, they . . .

And then the phrase turns in to a discourse on regret. Regrets anyone?

Are there "if's" that turn out to be joyous?!
If I . . .
If we  . . .
If she . . .

My Angel Has Arrived

My uncle, Peter Leland Jensen, came from Homedale, Idaho, to spend a few days. I love this man so very much. He is about 12 years older than I, and I have idolized him since I was a child. As a child I loved to spend time with my grandparents, and particularly, I loved to "visit" his bedroom and my aunt Vonda's room. They were magical places - Pete's room was downstairs, and he had a fox skin on his wall and Elsha cologne on his nightstand.

Pete's lived an "outside of the establishment" life, which has continued to endear him to me. He has stories of his adventures - llama treks, campground management, sheep-camp living, gourmet Dutch oven cooking, 4-wheeling activity, cabin building, and I can listen to him forever. He also carries the Jensen humor gene, and most of us have inherited that dry wit - which includes, well, never mind, let's just say, my kids know plenty of cowboy jokes, tricks with lighters, plays on words, and I am proud of that!

Last week, on one of my down days, I think that was Friday, he called. I cried. He came. Life is good - bring on the chemo and IV therapy, because with my angel here, I can do anything.

Hats & Angels

One of my angels trying on hats with me! 

And - I am still interested - do you believe in angels? Why? 

Belief

This question is for everyone - cynics, doubters, believers, knowers -

Do you believe in angels?
What is "believe"?
What are "angels"?
How do you know?
What does this mean?
Have you believed at one time, now no longer?
Have you doubted, now you believe?
What does it take to believe?
What does it take to doubt?


I'm serious here - e-mail me [wearehome@fiber.net], respond in the comments section of the blog, note on Facebook.

Perfect Storm

On Sunday Scott brought home Dreyer's Frozen Fruit bars - less sugar, sweetened with Splenda. I hesitated, then thought:

Probiotics, Percocet, Phenergen, Ativan, Thyroid, Claritin. Potassium, Senna, L-Lysine, Omega 3, D, Multi, B-12, Iron, Calcium. IV Fluids, IV Zofran.

What's a little Splenda going to hurt!

I think I'm learning how to match the drugs to the storm -

Cancer Hurts

It's been one hell of a weekend. I had chemo on Wednesday, my Neulasta injection on Thursday, IV fluids on Friday. I crawled into bed on Friday at 3pm, and I am just getting out of bed. The past 3 days have been like the worst flu in the world, times 10 billion. I go back to the oncologist today for IV fluids - it takes a village to keep this one person alive.

After all the pink, all the glamor shots of women with bald heads, all the fun cute sayings, cancer is ugly, time-consuming, all-consuming. Cancer is lonely, cancer is expensive, cancer is a burden, cancer is bone-scraping pain, cancer is cold, cancer is a fog, cancer is exhaustion, cancer is dry heaving, constipation, hunger, unpredictable. Cancer is fickle, cancer is frustrating, cancer is no focus, no drive, no desire. And though I know I will survive this journey, last night I wondered if death would be better - only because the pain was nearly unbearable.

Cancer is finding that one moment of goodness - a sister's call, a sister's gift, a meal with friends, a daughter's short visit, a friend's a card, a grand-daughter's hug, a son's prayer, a husband's warmth, and clinging to that hope -

 

God grant me the serenity . . .