Looking Back while Looking Ahead -

2021: 

Scott had eye surgery the first week of January. Good news is we met our yearly deductible quickly! 

Which was good because the first of March Scott, thinking he was sitting back on a tree limb to rest, after pruning our daughter's orchard, fell to the ground, because there wasn't a limb, dislocating his right shoulder and tearing the tendons in that shoulder. After a trip to the ED, surgery was scheduled for two weeks later. 

By mid-March Scott was in a sling with the directive to not move his arm. Ha! 

At this same time a new work colleague decided it was his role to look for the bad in everyone on his team, which he did, and I was "written up." This included the bizarre, "I just want to come to meet you and have a short conversation." Which turned into a 90 minute bullying session with 99% of every bit of "evidence" taken out of context. There were 2 people delivering this news to me, while I had no one, and I have to say, this is probably the most hurtful 90 minutes of my life. To be wrongly accused, to be told what I wasn't - with no evidence to show who I am, only one person's inability to talk with me face-to-face rather than call in the army to beat me up. 

And, if there's still a tone of anger in my writing, and a lessening of blog posts for this year, it's because it has taken me nearly the rest of the year to find some peace with myself, confidence with my skills, and finding a place with this youngster colleague who thought he knew best. 

I did decide to address his issues with me, with him, delivering a cactus and a card stating, "I apologize for any times you have felt disrespected or under-mined by me. This has never been my intention. Please feel free to talk with me - I have so much to learn, and I am always willing to grow." We've developed a tolerable working relationship, and my keys to being able to do this are 3 things: 

1. Our Weaver Family 2021 motto - Seek to understand before being understood. Where was he coming from? His motives? His strengths? His weaknesses? 

2. What is my role in all of this? Certainly there were wrong-doings on my part. Can I learn from these? 

3. Sometimes we have to shut up and put up - with ourselves, with others, with no answers, only sitting with ourselves and the information we have, and putting that information where it can best serve us - head, heart, soul, trash can. 

And on that note - 

A dear friend gave us her condo in Hilton Head Island, and Scott and I spent several days on the beach, exploring the seaside towns, and visiting Savannah GA, longtime on my bucket list. 

During the early spring, just prior to Scott's fall we decided to re-landscape our yard, bringing it up to the standards we would need as we grew old in this home. The designs came in just as he took his fall. This became my project, which I'm forever grateful for. Great stress-reducer, something to look forward to after work, and I really love gardening, yet our yard has been quite a hodge-podge for several years, and this change has been for our greater-good! Many thanks to nieces, grandchildren, children, and a few friends for their help. 

So our summer was spent loving our yard - continuing to care for it and watching it evolve. 

Toward the end of June the Walker siblings determined that Mom needed to be in a place where she could get 24 hour care. She is now living at a Beehive Home in Provo - and finding this perfect place was nothing less than miraculous. She is as happy there as she can be any place, and the siblings know she is safe and cared for. She continues to decline - her dementia is worse, her physical abilities are lessening. Dang. 

Mid-August Scott and I headed to Sweden and Denmark for 2 weeks. And even with masks and vaccinations and lengthy flights, those 2 weeks were heavenly. Spectacular. And seeing the areas of my heritage were life-affirming. 

We came home just in time for the Swedish and Danish borders to close to Americans! 

And Scott had shoulder replacement surgery on Sept. 19th. 

As he began his re-recovery, chaos began to reign at work. Within a short time we added 3 new social workers, a new nurse, and more managerial mandates (vague ones at that). As well, discontent was so thick that one person quit, others refused to work with others, one gave birth to a gorgeous baby girl and took maternity leave, and office changes had to be made just to get some peace and some work done. And these are professionals! 

Yet, it's not just caregivers at hospitals who are feeling the emotional disease of CoVid and other dividers (I have personally attended to the dying and their families, witnessing more than a dozen deaths). My own practice has doubled in size, without soliciting, and women of all ages are feeling negative energy and crisis in their lives. I am grateful for the opportunity I have of caring for them. 

However, this stress can be been debilitating, and coming home to peace has been my top priority. Yet with Scott's nearly continual pain and his isolation from all that he loves, our tempers have flared, and we are constantly learning how to be patient and tender with ourselves and each other. 

We've had family members, vaccinated and un, who have had CoVid, and watching them hurt, while keeping ourselves healthy has been tough; we have remained relatively healthy, and they are healing. And I am damn tired of the harm, rather than healing, that has taken place because of this CoVid discontent.

Walking out of the stressors that have been soul-draining, I decided I needed a new tattoo - a bright orange sun on the inside of my right wrist. I WILL NOT allow anyone to take my sunshine away anymore. I will be the light - first for myself. 

Scott is healing; kids are healthy; holidays not so filled with family and parties; work still tumultuous. 

And to end the year, one of my very best friends, a physician whom I've worked with daily for 7 1/2 years, who has taught me so much about medicine and life, left our team yesterday. Not the best way to end the year. And his journey to his leaving - well, read my story above and amplify it. Yet the lessons I've been taught this year, and have chosen to learn, are that with good-byes there are hello's; friendships change, yet remain; learning is a life-long process; and life goes on. Self-reflection has been my top priority, and with that, I have peace (most of the time). But gosh darn it, I'm gonna miss him. 

I'm grateful for the limited stability I've had this year - a great job (even with CoVid and conflicts), a beautiful home and yard, 5-HTP that has been a huge blessing in my life - giving me energy, clarity, and calm; great therapy, and the ability to create - whether that's cooking, baking, sewing, gardening, visiting. 

I hunger to read - finding good novels is tough, and I'm tired of self-help and spirituality books; I hunger for friendships - yet creating new friendships and renewing others takes more energy than I have some days. I hunger for Peace on Earth, and I want it to begin with me, my loved ones, my space.

So here's a nod of respect and namaste to 2021, and a flicker of hope and optimism to 2022. 

Let Us Oft Speak Kind Words -

Too much going on, and I honestly have trouble just staying focused on what is right in front of me. And yet without having learned how to stay in the moment, look for the good, and seek to understand, I'm afraid I'd be a nervous wreck right now. 

My salvation - knowing "this too shall pass," and "what the mind expects tends to be realized," and "what goes around comes around," "worrying robs us of our todays and tomorrows," and "that which we persist in doing becomes easier to do, not because the nature of the thing has changed, but because our ability to do has increased." 

See - all those times I've taught patients to stay in the moment, pull the mind in to the present, focus on what you can do, not what you can't; and that we can control our minds, not letting our minds control us, and seeking respite in the storm, have had their impact on me. Those phrases above? They are no longer just sounds, but actual content, and for me, beliefs that truly ground me when the storm is swirling around. 

And I'll say, there's been a shit-storm swirling for about 18 months, and although CoVid has played a mighty roll in this storm, there's a lot of other elements that have also impacted the weather in my life. 

I can picture my Grandmother Jensen singing the LDS Hymn, "Let Us Oft Speak Kind Words to Each Other," whenever there was contention in the air. And I can hear my Grandfather Jensen laughingly singing "In a world where sorrow often can be found . . . scatter sunshine everywhere you go," as he shoveled shit from one part of the cattle yard to the other. They found joy in the storm! And this year, I'm understanding the profound lessons they, and others, continue to teach me. 

I cannot calm the storm, but I can calm my racing heart, my anxiety (typically displayed as raw lips from picking at them), my furrowed brows, my fears (IBS), my shoulders that carry all that and more. And, although I often write about beliefs, I seldom proclaim my own theological ones. Yet today, I must give credit to the One who I reach out to more often than others. There is truly something empowering about being able to "Let go and let God," and believe, and practice, and then witness. 

The storm is far from clearing. However, I'm learning, more and more, that I can "sleep when the wind blows." And, how to do it. 

Speak kind words to yourself, my friends; it begins with you, then radiates out - "Kind words are sweet tones, of, the heart." 

Richard Rohr - A Joyful Mind -

 I subscribe to Franciscan priest's, Richard Rohr, Daily Meditation (written). I seldom read his entire post, yet the titles and the initial thought often are the intention that I need to carry me through my day. 

For instance: 

Confidence does not arise from our ego or efforts, but from the goodness of God. 

There is an absolute connection between how we see God and how we see ourselves and the universe. 

The purpose of prayer and religious seeing is to see the truth about Reality, to see what is. And at the bottom of what is is always goodness. The foundation is always love. 

Until I discover the God in which I believe, I will never understand another thing about my own life. If my God is a harsh judge, I will live in unquenchable guilt. if my God is Holy Nothingness, I will live a life of cosmic loneliness. If my God is taunt and bully, I will live my life impaled on the pin of a grinning giant. If my God is life and hope, I will live in fullness overflowing forever. 

This - 

If Jesus is representative of the total givenness of God to creation, the perhaps Mary is the representative of humanity, showing us how the gift is received. And I believe that is why we love Mary. She's a stand in for all of us. When we can say, like her, "Let it be," then we're truly ready for Christmas.  

Rohr's thoughts give me pause as well as give me something to think through as I work with patients. I often wonder how they perceive goodness, love, life, hope, and I will ask, and listen, and receive their offerings.  

This month, the month of love, grace, goodness, peace, hope, did not begin in this direction. Turmoil at work, all the ADHD'ness conversations, on top of my day-to-day stressors, have pitted against me. Yet a week ago, in a moment of quiet contemplation (typically happening in a warm car, pulled to the side of the road, prior to entering my home, after work), gave me the answer - "Things will be just fine. Trust the process. Stay present." And I have, and I will. And Rohr once again came through with this reminder. And while there's so much here, I'm choosing to pick a phrase a day, and ponder: 

What might a joyful mind be?

"When your mind does not need to be right.

"When you no longer need to compare yourself with others.

"When you no longer need to compete — not even in your own head.

"When your mind can be creative, but without needing anyone to know.

"When you can live in contentment with whatever the moment offers.

"When you do not need to analyze or judge things in or out, positive or negative.

"When your mind does not need to be in charge, but can serve the moment with gracious and affirming information.

"When your mind follows the intelligent lead of your heart.

"When your mind is curious and interested, not suspicious and interrogating.

"When your mind does not 'brood over injuries.'

"When you do not need to humiliate, critique, or defeat those who have hurt you — not even in your mind.

"When your mind does not need to create self-justifying story lines.

"When your mind does not need the future to be better than today.

"When your mind can let go of obsessive or negative thoughts.

"When your mind can think well of itself, but without needing to.

"When your mind can accept yourself as you are, warts and all.

"When your mind can surrender to what is.

"When your mind does not divide and always condemn one side or group.

"When your mind can find truth on both sides.

"When your mind fills in the gaps with 'the benefit of the doubt' for both friend and enemy.

"When your mind can critique and also detach from the critique.

"When your mind can wait, listen, and learn.

"When your mind can live satisfied without resolution or closure.

"When your mind can forgive and actually 'forget.'

"When your mind can admit it was wrong and change.

"When your mind can stop judging and critiquing itself.

"When you don't need to complain or worry to get motivated.

"When you can observe your mind contracting into self-preservation or self-validation, and then laugh or weep over it.

"When you can actually love with your mind.

"When your mind can find God in all things."

Timpanogos - M'lady -

 Published! I was invited to submit a piece for Utah's Thrive 125; a short 125 word piece, often called Flash Fiction - writing without a lengthy editing process. And it's available to read here: https://thrive125.utah.gov/weaver/. 22 writers, 125 words. 

My Bestie, Karin Anderson, also has a piece. It's a heart-warming soul-aching short. And like all of her work, touches me to my very bones. 

Sweet! 

ADHD and Aging - Taking it Personal -

 Nearly 18 years ago I married a man who was/is kind, generous, intelligent, goofy, brilliant, creative, well-read and has medicated and psychotherapy'ed ADHD (sadly, not diagnosed until in his 40's, which means all those behaviors made him "difficult" rather than attempting to understand). 

Over the years we've done the "you don't understand me," "help others understand me," dance. I have a hard enough time figuring myself out and explaining myself, that being his constant advocate has been tiring and difficult. 

And yet, I love him so much, and I can see the goodness behind those layers of being misunderstood, of having to fight to focus, of speaking before thinking, of reacting rather than acting, and forgetting; forgetting is the worst of this. So I explain, and explain, and occasionally, more lately, get overwhelmed and bratty and bothered. 

Because my love language is "Acts of Service," and because folks with ADHD live in the moment, and his remembering to do anything outside of the moment has grown worse over the years (no matter what we've tried), I've had to learn how to quickly forgive, how to take care of many of my needs by myself, and then explain my irritation or shortness or disappointment to him, others, and mostly, myself. 

There are days when I think I cannot handle his ADHD one more breath, and then I remember that behind this disorder is the most amazing man I've ever met, and I take a deep breath, or ten, and act, rather than react. 

Although - in his anger and rage (which comes with his passion, his love for people, and his inability to communicate this) I allow myself to be hurt, and there are days/moments when the divide between the two of us is wide. 

These past few years, and particularly this past year, his ADHD has grown worse. I attribute that to many things - aging, inability to "do the things I could when I was 30," and his realization that his ADHD-ravaged communication skills have complicated many relationships. He also had an injury early this spring that has kept him home-bound, with 2 major surgeries, for the past 8.5 months, with probably 3 more months of recovery before he can even begin to move forward rather than wait for healing to happen. 

And if I know one thing, waiting, for someone with ADHD, is a death sentence. There is an innate need to be doing and moving, and he's been limited to Hulu, Prime, Netflix (good grief, he can't even hold a book to read right now - besides no concentration ability because of the pain), and an occasional AA meeting. No friends have reached out, no one from our church congregation has checked in, no one has taken him to lunch, and with my chaotic work, I have come home empty. 

Thus, evenings and weekends, have not been revitalizing, rather "git 'er done" time - where everything that I haven't had the time to do, and everything he hasn't had the ability to do, has to be taken care of. With no "cup-filling" time. 

Exhausting, limiting, wearing, nearly-debilitating, for both of us. The two beautiful weeks in Denmark and Sweden were amazing, yet, not the time-away I was needing. 

So, with children seeing my frustration, and me getting the, "Mom, you should be more nice," lecture (when often, they did see the end-of-my-rope, and it was fraying and my hands were bleeding from hanging on), I busted my ass and did some heavy-duty research - primary and secondary, into ADHD and aging. 

An interesting visual came up on a friend's FB page, and Scott stated, "This is the best description I've ever seen of who/how I am," which pushed me toward understanding how to counter-balance these behaviors. 

Through the years I have read books and articles on ADHD and marriage/dating/relationships/schooling/children/teens/work, but NOTHING on living with adults who have lived with ADHD their entire lives. 

So, I assembled one! With Scott's approval, and that of his therapist's, I sent this to our children. I'm placing it below in hopes that someone/somewhere can benefit from this. 

And in the meantime, I'm praying, seeing my own healer, and working on separating the two of us - making time for me, and only me, again. 

If by chance this doesn't show, Google "ADHD Iceberg."

While there is little definitive research on the ADHD brain and aging, many of these tendencies are exacerbated with normal age-related issues.

Below is a list I’ve complied from the info I’ve gathered, the people I’ve talked with, and the experience I’ve had. Here are some things that can be done to curtail some of these behaviors:

·        *Read the above iceberg and while hard to differentiate between personality and person, it’s often ADHD acting, not the person

·        * limit stimuli

·        * do one thing at a time

·        * give positive feedback

·       * redirect conversations when they are repetitive, non-productive or negative

·       * go for a walk or do an activity together rather than sitting and talking (harder to have a conversation)

·       *  help them avoid sugar or processed foods

·       * do things they can focus on (sports, puzzles, movies, watching or playing with children)

·       * ask clarifying questions, seek to understand

·        * don’t confront or react; act

·        * relationships are so important - build on now rather than the past

·        * involve them in your life (they will typically go/do anything for you)

·        * encourage them to wear hearing aids and/or glasses

·        * compliment them, stay positive in your conversations - don’t go down the rabbit hole with them

·        * encourage their goodness

·        * be diplomatic with them

·        * remind them of their good character traits and values

·       * ADHD tendencies intensify based on their surroundings - sounds, activities, conversations, energy; they will react to these; be in charge and change the course

·        * do something they enjoy doing

·        * some things don’t compute; that’s just fine

·        * avoid confrontations or arguing; their thinking is rarely rational when angry

·       * remind them, simply, and no, forgetting had nothing to do with you

·       * when they interrupt or dominate a conversation gently discourage and don’t dwell on it

·       * they are NOT ADHD; they can be fun, loving, quirky, compassionate, passionate, genuine, generous

·       * Lastly, it’s tough to live with someone with the intensity of ADHD as some have. Be patient with spouse, give them a break, support them in their concerns. 

And then I found this and this - 

L

Made a Difference to That One -

What a month! And yet, I really should post a closure to this month - Pinktober, and share a little. It's been 9 years since I began this blog, and while it definitely waxes and wanes, it continues to be a source of reflection and perspective for me, and as I've heard from those who read this, I touch souls every once and awhile. 

And that's where I'm at these days - reflecting and wondering about my "impact" on the world. I am not a fan of stories that begin with "two people were walking down the beach one day" because ultimately it turns into the "Jesus was carrying me" poem that drives me crazy. However . . . there is the starfish story (One day two people were walking along a beach covered in starfish. One person started picking them up and throwing them back into the ocean, saying they didn't want the starfish to die. The other said this couldn't possibly make a difference to all that would remain stranded on the beach. The person, while picking up another, said, "Made a difference to that one."), and it has had an impact on me. 

But I move too far ahead. In my pre-cancer life I was heavily involved in various communities. Music, arts, education, folklore and with participating, I became friends with so many many amazing people, invited to or hosted readings, parties, concerts, and being the introvert I am, I could be a gracious host or companion, and place the focus on the event, whether it was a conference presentation, a book reading, a gig, a meeting with the city council, or a church party. 

Since cancer, and even more so since beginning work in the Palliative Care clinic, and subsequently leaving UVU, I've pulled in, and it seems that my world has gotten smaller. I focus more on one-on-one conversations, sitting with a patient or the caregiver (often in silence), and more often than not, my job is not celebratory, but rather hushed and solemn. 

Sometimes this can be a lonely space. Sometimes it's great to be quiet. 

My sister is involved in many events in her city; she's really putting herself "out there" and making a huge impact in several communities. She's making a difference; she's an innovator, a creator, an educator. And it's her season to do so. This week as she shared with me some communications, events, communities she's involved with, I wondered, to her, if I could ever get to a point where I could, again, make a difference. 

And then she replied, "You truly make a difference; have done so for many years, and continue to do so. . . . I'm glad you recognize moments where you say you're too tired. Be tired and do nothing if that's all you can do or feel. it's okay." 

With the complete devastation that comes with cancer, the lengthy recovery, and then all of life on top of this, healing - body, mind, soul, takes so much time. And then compound this with all of the events of "regular" life and family and job, and no wonder I am fried and left wondering if I will ever see me again. 

So I've been forced to wait, and watch, and recover - not just from cancer, but from some very heart-breaking gut-wrenching soul-searching mentally and physically exhausting events of 2020 and 2021. And as I continue to heal, my energy is slowly returning, I am beginning to see a little more clearly, and feeling, just a little, like I may want to step out and participate, again. 

In the meantime, I am content helping others heal, by being that healing presence, that comforter, someone who can acknowledge the pain and the journey, and just Being. 

When I come home in the evening and report on my day, I have to remind myself that although I didn't change any policies, create any events, present any papers, entertain hundreds, I did make a difference to one. 

Looking forward while staying in the moment. 

9 years ago mid-October. Hair is gone, confidence is shot, innocence is lost.  

Speeding in Sweden and the Danish Police -

 I received an email, written in Danish, from the Copenhagen Police last week, stating I had received a speeding ticket. And, after deciphering and translating, found out they had charged me $56 to notify me, and now I had to notify the police listed in one of the docs they sent me, to take care of my ticket. On Monday I sent an email to the police officer handling my "case." I wrote: 

I received a notification from my car rental company, Sixt (vehicle DB84494), that I had a speeding offense in Kungavls. That must have been the day we drove to see the beautiful island of Marstrand. I must say, with all the traveling we did on our two week journey of Western Sweden and all of Denmark, this area was spectacular! The farmland was unbelievably gorgeous.

We traveled to this Scandinavian area of heaven to learn more about my roots, where many of my ancestors lived, for generations. My husband and I felt so blessed to be able to do this.

 

Please let me know what I need to do to make sure this speeding offense is taken care of.

 

I am attaching the letter I received from Sixt, and the Google translation of that letter.

 

Sincerely, Ronda Walker Weaver

 

And then yesterday morning, I received an email in return, and I was leery of even opening the email, expecting something far different than I received: 

Dear Ms. Ronda Walker Weaver

 

I thank you for getting back to me in this matter.

The car rental company has to inform you about the speeding, but you don´t have to worry. I have already closed this case with the Swedish Police, and you will hear no more of it.

 

Since you do not have neither a Danish CPR number, a Danish driving license and also live abroad, we don´t follow up in traffic matters like this.

(So unless you have a Swedish Driving license or something like that, you won´t hear from the Swedish Police either).

 

I am happy to know that you had a memorable trip, and wish you and your husband all the best.

 

Venlig hilsen / Kind regards

 

Maj-Britt Overgaard

kontorfuldmægtig

 

Færdselsafdelingen / Traffic Department

Gammel Køge Landevej 1

Happy Fall Ya'll - Playing Catch'up -

Over a month since my last post - this is a record! And a worthy record too - 2 weeks in Sweden and Denmark; shoulder replacement surgery for Scott; work, work, work, for me; end of summer/beginning of fall yard and family activities. And 90% good! 

More details on our lovely vacation later, yet these pictures are a great tease into our late August and September. 

What do You Love About the Way You Look?

So often women as taught to be subtle, not gloat on compliments, don't brag, don't point out assets. Yet in being taught this, we're subtly taught to not love ourselves, to not love our bodies (come one now, how many figure enhancing or reducing billboards are there, let alone social media shit talking about learning to self-love through medication, work-outs, diets, or plastic surgery). 

And then we try to teach our daughters and granddaughters to love themselves - we tell them how much we love their dimples, their skinny legs, their sturdy legs, their soft bellies, their shiny hair, their kinky hair, their soft skin, cute toes, pudgy fingers, their smiles and smirks, and then we teach them to suppress these points of compliments when they grow older.  

When was the last time YOU found something about yourself, your body, that you loved, and pointed it out, to yourself or a loved one? 

I love my - 

Hair - always been blonde, now is white with blonde. A little curl, a lot of body, thick. 

Teeth - pretty white, pretty straight. 

Hands - strong nails, slender fingers. 

Feet - well-shaped even toes, decent nails. 

In-between - still learning, and learning how to make peace with the parts that will probably not be my favorites, ever. 

At 62, still learning how to love some parts of me. 

Thanks to Cup of Jo for the inspiration for this post. Read the comments - beautiful. 

The Most Profound Words -

 A friend who's going through tough times this year, had a tough experience today, and she just sent me the most profound phrase I've heard in a long long time. Something I think we all need to know when we go THROUGH hard times, not around, not over, not ignore, but through the tunnel/door/canal/self-doubt - 

". . . and I didn't break."

Sister, friend, daughter, grand-daughter, lover, significant other, client, caregiver, this is for you. You will not break - going through is so much tougher than being on the other side. I know. And today, my friend found this out as well. 

Way to go, Danielle! 

The Consequences of a Single Story - TED -

Two TED's in a row! I do love a well-spoken presentation. And this speaks to my soul as a folklorist and as a chaplain. 

Enjoy - (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D9Ihs241zeg&feature=emb_title)

What is your story? What is your disillusioned story? Your stereotyped story about yourself, about others? 

Anger - This TED Explanation -

Last week Scott and I argued about garbage bags - I said let's use up the grocery bags we have saved, first, and he said let's use plastic garbage bags and save the grocery bags for an emergency. And we raised our voices, got angry, then stopped and laughed. 

It wasn't about garbage bags but control, and who is right and who is wrong and losing/gaining control, and really, doesn't freakin' matter? Trash is trash! 

I found this TED talk today, and I like it; this explanation works for me. React emotionally, then think critically. 

Enjoy - (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0rAngiiXBAc)

18 Years Ago - Divorce -

This week I am reminded of two major steps I made 18 years ago - fall in love with myself and ask for a divorce. 

I've read two bits this week that have made me reflect, again, on my choices: 

From Anne Patchett's book, This is the Story of a Happy Marriage, and the short story in it by the same name: "I understood that I had avoided catastrophe by the thickness of a coat of paint. He had done me the two greatest favors that anyone had ever done me in my life: he got me out, and then he let me go." I often send silent prayers of thanks to Crisfield, MD, for this. 

And this, from the Cup of Jo blog, a post "How I Made Peace with my Divorce," because I occasionally do look back, and wonder: 

What if my husband and I could have made our marriage work? If so, we might have spared our children so much grief. Imagine if, now — more than halfway through our sixties — we were living together on our old farm, welcoming our grandchildren there. Gathering around the big old trestle table where, long ago, we once rolled out the cookie dough and made potato print holiday cards. What if the whole thing — our years of doing battle with each other, the money spent on lawyers, my move to another town, and then another town after that, and another after that — had all been unnecessary? What if, instead of shuttling between our two houses all those years, with their brown paper bags of clothes and baseball gloves and school projects and stuffed animals — our three beloved children had gotten to grow up with their two parents, together, under one roof?

My sense of grief over the picture I’d made in my head that night lasted only a few days. Gradually, it came to me that the story I’d allowed myself to fall in love with — of the characters who might have resolved their problems — was a work of fiction. The real characters who had in part inspired it — my children’s father and I — could never have lived out our lives happily and lovingly together. We were too different. It wasn’t even about a shortage of romantic kisses like the one I used to study on my postcard. That’s the Hollywood version of what keeps a couple together. As hollow as that phrase may be — irreconcilable differences — it applied to us.

I do wonder "What If," to both of these musings, and yet . . . 

Hello There -

Gosh, it's been awhile since I've posted. Busy with Mom, family events, work, life. And I love it this way - mostly. 

Reintroducing myself seems like a good thing to do now, so here I go: 

Ronda Walker - born in Rigby, ID. Graduated from Rigby High School in the late '70's. My family moved to Orem, UT during this same time. I have 6 siblings - 3 brothers, 3 sisters, I'm the oldest. My father owned restaurants in Idaho and managed several in Utah after moving here. 

I married 2 weeks before I turned 19 (my other options were college - nursing, teaching . . . well, that's it, so I married). We lived in Orem, then Brigham City, then Alabama, then back to Utah, where I've lived for the past 26 years, and where I tell some people, I've been trying to leave for the past 26 years. 

I have 2 amazing children, who are the loves of my life. 

18 years ago I graduated with my MA in Folklore from Utah State University. I began college at 31 in AL, finished at 44 in Utah, with an AA from UVU and my BA from BYU. 

Shortly after I graduated from USU (goal 1), I went to Crisfield, MD to do research with the Folklife Field School from the Library of Congress (goal 2 - fall in love with a community doing research). I fell in love with myself, learned about myself, and 3 short weeks later came home, asked for a divorce (after 25 years of marriage), and moved forward (subconsciously goal 3). 

My kids and I moved into my parents home in Orem, and about 4 months later I married Scott Weaver (my rules were - never marry again, marry someone who wasn't from Utah, had life experience, and no children at home - met 2 of those), whose parents had lived across the street from my folks all these years. We've been married 17 years. Scott has 4 children. 

Together we have 20 stunning grandchildren. We love each other's children, and for the most part, they love us. Put these kids and their spouses together in a room, and there's no telling whose is whose. 

I've been involved in the communities I've lived in, particularly as one of the founders of Timpanogos Singer Songwriter Alliance (TSSA) and as Orem City's first Arts Council Director. 

I've had several jobs/careers, meeting amazing people along the way. Yet the 2 which have been my passion are teaching and chaplaining. 

I taught folklore and writing at UVU (an amazing blessing) for almost 20 years, as an adjunct professor. 

I say "almost" because in the fall of 2012 I found a lump in my left breast. I had surgery, chemo, radiation, and then spent 2 years figuring out who I was. That's the genesis for this blog (a former student decided I needed a "handle" and named me "Folklady." Hence the name of this blog. 

In the fall of 2008, during counseling, my therapist asked me what I wanted to do with my life. I told her, "I've always wanted to be a chaplain." 2 weeks later I was in a healthcare chaplain program. 

For several years I taught and chaplain'ed, and then 6 years ago I had the privilege of going full-time, as a Palliative Care chaplain working at Utah Valley Hospital. I absolutely love what I do - working with cancer patients as well as people whose lives are nearing the end or those who have difficult and life-altering diseases. 

I also have a counseling business, where I counsel folks in "transitions" whether health, marriage, religion, region, and these days, post-pandemic stress. 

When I'm not working my butt off, I enjoy exercising, reading, traveling (so excited to use my passport again next month), sewing, cooking, gardening (just re-landscaped this spring), good live music, spending time with our children, and writing - even more now than when I was teaching. I also love deep conversations - talking philosophy, rhetoric, thoughts, not people. 

I'm an introvert, a deep thinker; I'm tough skinned yet hate conflict, and I have little tolerance for overly-emotional or overly-sensitive folks. I'm a "take me as I am" person. 

So there's the short and sweet of me; my blog has been my journal of these past 8.5 years. You can read all my ramblings and some writings from others that touch my heart. 

Swooning - Brandon and Bruce -

 Do you have a "Swoon"? Someone who is likely unreachable,  you love from afar, makes your heart flutter, your knees weak? That's my question these past few days, and the answers have been fun - 

Julia Roberts

That one guy, you know, I don't remember his name, but he . . . 

Hugh Jackman                    Anne Hathaway

Thor                                    Angelina Jolie

Gal Gadot                           Pierce Brosnan

Charlotte Johanson            Savion Glover

Brad Pitt in his 20s            Liam Neeson

Idris Elba                          Channing Tatum

Emily Blunt                       Matt Bomer

Naomi Watt                       Carl Malone

Ewan McGregor               Harrison Ford

Emma Thompson              Hugh Grant

Hugh Grant                       Theo James

Mine are two beautiful men from two parts of the world, two generations apart, who came together this past month to make a heart-racing music video: 

Sex and Waffles and Pancakes -

Sex, for a woman at any age, can be very difficult - I'm talking turning off the world and turning on. And that is often not easy - RESPONSIBILITY is the big demon for most women. It's not lack of drive, lack of appeal, lack of desire, but too much responsibility, and no way to turn that off. 

One of my favorite therapists shared a story the other day - 

We seem to have more difficulty (in general) than men do when trying to focus on just. one. thing. 

That is why I believe women are like pancakes and men are like waffles.  When you pour syrup on your pancakes, it flows all over the top, down the sides and onto your plate (and sometimes onto the table).  However, when you pour syrup on a waffle, with a just a small bit of effort you can control which square gets the sticky stuff and which does not.  You can fill them all in, make patterns, go every other one. Whatever you like.
 
The syrup represents every aspect of your life.  Work, relationships, kids, chores, responsibilities…the stuff that fills your brain.  Men (in general) have an easier time compartmentalizing the aspects of their life. They are the waffles.  When they are working, they think about work. When they are golfing, they think about golf. And when they are having sex, they think about sex.  This is a great skill to have for many aspects of life and can aid in better focus at work or in complicated projects.
 
Women (in general) are more like pancakes.  Each aspect of our life is interrelated in our mind.  We can think about workchildrenrelationshipschoresmoneyandfood…all at once.  Or at the very least all in one 60 second period of time. The syrup goes everywhere, and it is difficult to control, even with a significant effort.
 
Now, this is not always a negative trait.  It takes a ton of brain space to think about all the little things that must be remembered throughout the day, especially with kids. So, the “juggle” works well for us at times. The difficult part is learning how to turn off the flow of all that sticky syrup.
 
For all of us pancakers out there, a simple place to start is by practicing mindful focus.  Some people try mediation for a couple minutes a day as way to train the brain to turn it all off.  Whatever you do, rehearse applying yourself to one thing at a time, especially at those moments when you really need to…like when he is doing that thing and you are supposed to be focused on the pleasure of the moment.

Makes great sense - now how to practice being a pancake? For starters, I'm off for a weekend with my love, gonna see what we can do about makin' breakfast.