Looking Back while Looking Ahead -

2021: 

Scott had eye surgery the first week of January. Good news is we met our yearly deductible quickly! 

Which was good because the first of March Scott, thinking he was sitting back on a tree limb to rest, after pruning our daughter's orchard, fell to the ground, because there wasn't a limb, dislocating his right shoulder and tearing the tendons in that shoulder. After a trip to the ED, surgery was scheduled for two weeks later. 

By mid-March Scott was in a sling with the directive to not move his arm. Ha! 

At this same time a new work colleague decided it was his role to look for the bad in everyone on his team, which he did, and I was "written up." This included the bizarre, "I just want to come to meet you and have a short conversation." Which turned into a 90 minute bullying session with 99% of every bit of "evidence" taken out of context. There were 2 people delivering this news to me, while I had no one, and I have to say, this is probably the most hurtful 90 minutes of my life. To be wrongly accused, to be told what I wasn't - with no evidence to show who I am, only one person's inability to talk with me face-to-face rather than call in the army to beat me up. 

And, if there's still a tone of anger in my writing, and a lessening of blog posts for this year, it's because it has taken me nearly the rest of the year to find some peace with myself, confidence with my skills, and finding a place with this youngster colleague who thought he knew best. 

I did decide to address his issues with me, with him, delivering a cactus and a card stating, "I apologize for any times you have felt disrespected or under-mined by me. This has never been my intention. Please feel free to talk with me - I have so much to learn, and I am always willing to grow." We've developed a tolerable working relationship, and my keys to being able to do this are 3 things: 

1. Our Weaver Family 2021 motto - Seek to understand before being understood. Where was he coming from? His motives? His strengths? His weaknesses? 

2. What is my role in all of this? Certainly there were wrong-doings on my part. Can I learn from these? 

3. Sometimes we have to shut up and put up - with ourselves, with others, with no answers, only sitting with ourselves and the information we have, and putting that information where it can best serve us - head, heart, soul, trash can. 

And on that note - 

A dear friend gave us her condo in Hilton Head Island, and Scott and I spent several days on the beach, exploring the seaside towns, and visiting Savannah GA, longtime on my bucket list. 

During the early spring, just prior to Scott's fall we decided to re-landscape our yard, bringing it up to the standards we would need as we grew old in this home. The designs came in just as he took his fall. This became my project, which I'm forever grateful for. Great stress-reducer, something to look forward to after work, and I really love gardening, yet our yard has been quite a hodge-podge for several years, and this change has been for our greater-good! Many thanks to nieces, grandchildren, children, and a few friends for their help. 

So our summer was spent loving our yard - continuing to care for it and watching it evolve. 

Toward the end of June the Walker siblings determined that Mom needed to be in a place where she could get 24 hour care. She is now living at a Beehive Home in Provo - and finding this perfect place was nothing less than miraculous. She is as happy there as she can be any place, and the siblings know she is safe and cared for. She continues to decline - her dementia is worse, her physical abilities are lessening. Dang. 

Mid-August Scott and I headed to Sweden and Denmark for 2 weeks. And even with masks and vaccinations and lengthy flights, those 2 weeks were heavenly. Spectacular. And seeing the areas of my heritage were life-affirming. 

We came home just in time for the Swedish and Danish borders to close to Americans! 

And Scott had shoulder replacement surgery on Sept. 19th. 

As he began his re-recovery, chaos began to reign at work. Within a short time we added 3 new social workers, a new nurse, and more managerial mandates (vague ones at that). As well, discontent was so thick that one person quit, others refused to work with others, one gave birth to a gorgeous baby girl and took maternity leave, and office changes had to be made just to get some peace and some work done. And these are professionals! 

Yet, it's not just caregivers at hospitals who are feeling the emotional disease of CoVid and other dividers (I have personally attended to the dying and their families, witnessing more than a dozen deaths). My own practice has doubled in size, without soliciting, and women of all ages are feeling negative energy and crisis in their lives. I am grateful for the opportunity I have of caring for them. 

However, this stress can be been debilitating, and coming home to peace has been my top priority. Yet with Scott's nearly continual pain and his isolation from all that he loves, our tempers have flared, and we are constantly learning how to be patient and tender with ourselves and each other. 

We've had family members, vaccinated and un, who have had CoVid, and watching them hurt, while keeping ourselves healthy has been tough; we have remained relatively healthy, and they are healing. And I am damn tired of the harm, rather than healing, that has taken place because of this CoVid discontent.

Walking out of the stressors that have been soul-draining, I decided I needed a new tattoo - a bright orange sun on the inside of my right wrist. I WILL NOT allow anyone to take my sunshine away anymore. I will be the light - first for myself. 

Scott is healing; kids are healthy; holidays not so filled with family and parties; work still tumultuous. 

And to end the year, one of my very best friends, a physician whom I've worked with daily for 7 1/2 years, who has taught me so much about medicine and life, left our team yesterday. Not the best way to end the year. And his journey to his leaving - well, read my story above and amplify it. Yet the lessons I've been taught this year, and have chosen to learn, are that with good-byes there are hello's; friendships change, yet remain; learning is a life-long process; and life goes on. Self-reflection has been my top priority, and with that, I have peace (most of the time). But gosh darn it, I'm gonna miss him. 

I'm grateful for the limited stability I've had this year - a great job (even with CoVid and conflicts), a beautiful home and yard, 5-HTP that has been a huge blessing in my life - giving me energy, clarity, and calm; great therapy, and the ability to create - whether that's cooking, baking, sewing, gardening, visiting. 

I hunger to read - finding good novels is tough, and I'm tired of self-help and spirituality books; I hunger for friendships - yet creating new friendships and renewing others takes more energy than I have some days. I hunger for Peace on Earth, and I want it to begin with me, my loved ones, my space.

So here's a nod of respect and namaste to 2021, and a flicker of hope and optimism to 2022.