Monday, July 10, 2017

Sunday Dinner and Ex's -

Keegan turned 9 on Saturday. He is a beautiful child, so much like his father, so much like his mother - kind, funny, fair, friend to all, still a hugger, loves to run around without a shirt (suns out, guns out), loves people, cautious, tease, and so much more. 

Yesterday was his family birthday dinner. Tyler sent me a text mentioning it was for "all" the grandparents. That's at least seven grandparents. Five of those grandparents came, two were in Hawaii. That means - Alice (great-grandma), Scott and Ronda, Ex and his wife. 

It's the first time we've been together without any other in-laws. And having us all in the same room has been worrisome for most of us; I think to some degree it's been tough on Jenna and Tyler and their spouses - how will their parents behave?

Why is that? It's been 14 years, life goes on, we're all adults, there is proper etiquette, etc. Nothing "bad" is going to happen; the worst thing that ever happened was the divorce. But that fear is still there - interesting how memories of the past can be actual physical triggers for the present. An upset stomach, shakes, sweats, headaches - all points of tension that can surface. 

This happened to me yesterday, and I push through "for the sake of the children," and then, nine times out of ten, it's just fine. And it happens to the kids, and they bully through, not allowing their parents' issues to become theirs.

And yesterday was decent. We even laughed together, joked about the past, Ex even making a remark that had me laughing out loud, and Tyler breathing a sigh of relief, stating, "Ok, I think we can move forward now." 

With the relief also comes some pain for me. Because as I'm listening to conversations, I thought of missed opportunities, mistakes, my anger, and the unrealized, or unmet expectations from that past life. 

There were things I wanted, things I thought I needed in my first marriage, that didn't happen - for either of us, and with this came my anger, my frustration, my fears, my dread. 

Why - in a relationship, is it that it's not necessarily money, sex, or in-laws that kill a marriage, but those expectations, that aren't even discussed, just assumed, that bring a marriage to its knees? My marriage dissolved because my needs weren't being met - or better yet, I claimed he wasn't meeting my expectations - over the years, not just over-night. 

And this time around - I've had to make sure that my expectations for Scott and my expectations for me are clearly verbalized, all of the time, and that I analyze and parse out what it is that I need from myself - not just what he needs to give me. And when my expectations aren't being met - well, I have to look at myself, reign the future back into the moment, and move forward in reality.

This morning, upon perusing Facebook, a friend had posted this - "The Silent Killer of Relationships," and guess what - Expectations. And I found validation, and to a small extent, sadness. I try not to live in the past; I'm so happy with Scott and I, but I wonder . . . 

Happy Day - 



Saturday, July 8, 2017

The Value of Education - Regardless - Call to Action -

As a young child, during the hot Idaho summer days, my friends, siblings, and I liked to play school. Funny - out of school, wanting to play school. And yet, when it was time to think about what I would do after high school, I felt like my choices were limited - get married or go to school to become a secretary, teacher, or nurse. I chose marriage.

I began college in 1991, I was 31, no college experience. I began school the year Jenna entered first grade, at Shoals Community College in Tuscumbia, Alabama. My first classes were mythology, sociology, and math (probably math 95).

I had always loved learning, but the day I stepped onto the college campus I fell in love with higher education.

We were in the quarter system, and I went to school there for about 6 quarters - taking math, literature, sociology, and a writing class.

We moved back to Utah one December, and in preparation for continuing my education, I contacted my friend, Merilynn, who put me in touch with her friend, Dawn, who was an academic advisor in the English Dept. at Utah Valley University (UVCC at that time). Merilynn had suggested a couple of her favorite professors, and Dawn helped acquaint me with the college.

After getting Tyler, Jenna, and Clark all in school, I began that journey myself. My first classes at UVU were an Organizational Behavior class, and Women's Lit class, and a Wordperfect class.

And I was off. After taking all the classes I could at UVU, I moved to BYU, where I took 2-3 classes a semester.

I graduated with my BA in English from BYU, and then, still hungry, I traveled to Utah State University weekly, and took summer week-long workshops, until I received my MA in American Studies/Public Sector Folklore in May, 2003.

That's 14 years ago, and I daily count my blessings for a family who supported me on my academic journey. While the kids complained about classes, homework, tests, teachers, I did the same. While the kids studied and wrote papers, I did similarly. When they were figuring out their class schedules, I did as well. And we all saw the value of education.

A year before I graduated from USU, I began teaching Folklore at UVU. Tyler and Jenna both took that class from me - what a blast to have my own children in the classroom. There were many days we drove to school together - and had great conversations as we did so. And thank heavens for Aunty Dawn and others who gave Tyler and Jenna the same great advice they gave me, and they helped them with class schedules just as they did me years earlier.

I never have left the classroom (well, I did take a leave for cancer treatments). I went directly from being a student to being an instructor. And I have loved every minute of it. I love, love, love learning. And the classroom - regardless of age and stage and gender and knowledge, is a tremendous place to learn.

I'm not saying we can't learn in a non-traditional environment - I have my chaplain certification because of a non-traditional classroom-hands-on learning situation, and the online learning world is rich. And I have learned through reading, studying, watching, creating - my entire life.

But there is something about tradition - the classroom, that breeds inquiry, questioning, critical thinking, and an environment rich and ripe with like-minded folks.

Lately I've been thinking about going back to the classroom, as a student. I hunger to be fed, to feed. To a large extent learning has been my sanity. It has kept me happy, functional, at peace with myself. I am a restless soul, and I can't even, don't even want to, imagine where I would be if it hadn't been for the ability to attend college. Learning is something I do well. And because of this, I have some sense of self and some self-confidence.

And as I listened to Eva Witesman's talk about Women and Education, I realized, again, how fortunate I have been to know the classroom, to know professors, to know students, and to be on both sides of the desk. Formal - or traditional, learning is incredible. And it is available to nearly every woman. Even Malala Yousafzai, and her champion father, understand the value of educating a woman.

We, women, MUST be the mirrors for our children, our husbands, or communities. We can speak, not only from a lifetime's worth of experience, but from our knowledge based on stretching our minds in a classroom, from being fed by those whose brilliance is that of a teacher. And we can share - by studying, complaining, writing, choosing, testing, thinking, with our children - by our example, we can teach the world, or at least, inspire our own to continue to learn.

I'm amazed, that in 2017, 27 years since I began my education, there are still men and women who say women don't need a higher education. I am worried that there are women (and men) who believe women are not worthy, capable, financially able, to get into a classroom to learn. Or that there is no need for them to have a higher education. I am saddened that talks such as Eva's are still necessary - and that we applaud them as spectacular.

When will we listen? When will we learn that learning is important for everyone? When will society understand that it's as important to know how to double as recipe as it is to understand the Socratic way of teaching and Kepler's laws of planetary motion? It is important we not only know how to grow tomatoes as it is to understand botany - and the need for healthy soil. We need to know not only what to do when our kids have snot noses, but to understand the respiratory system. We need to understand how the United States government is set-up, and how it can break down - so we can teach and vote and advocate for what is right - we must know our rights. And soooooo much more.

Someday, just as I was, there will be a time when necessity is as important as breathing. Whether that be the intense need, not just desire, to learn, to leave, to work, to find independence. And higher learning is a journey - which means, that just as buying a week's worth of groceries takes budgeting and planning, so does getting on that path to a Higher Education - and don't let anyone tell you there is no money for you to go to school. There are so many many many resources.

Eva - thank you for your talk, it was beautiful. And I'm saddened it was necessary.

(Addendum - I keep thinking of so much more I can say about this topic - never-ending, but one thing I've learned from being in the classroom all these years is this - sometimes you just have to push "print" and be finished.)

Tuesday, July 4, 2017

AA and Scott -

Today is Scott's Independence Day. 25 years ago he declared his independence from alcohol, or as he calls it, Jim Barleycorn.

I am so proud of this man, his journey, and his continual diligence in staying sober - he serves, he preaches, he teaches, he examples, he lives his sobriety.

Scott's youngest daughter, Julie, posted this on Facebook today, and I'm sharing here - to honor both of them.

Today Marks 25 years sobriety for my father! We will be celebrating tomorrow his mile stone! I have many different feelings growing up in a divorce home! As a little girl my dad was my hero! I have had many feelings I have had to work through as an adult! I do however believe it has been the change in him that I have been shown the capacity a person can change and over come with seeing this in him. I am grateful I was able to live with him the short time I did before I had Madison!! I can see a lot of my father in myself! I have learned the valuable lessons from him such as not caring what people think! Learning to stand up for what I believe in even if I am the only one standing! I have learned to be true to myself above all else! I have learned that life doesn't always turn out the way we may want but there is always a new day to begin again! I admire the honesty of what I can share with my father and the compassion he has always shown the under dog struggling! I have held this trait throughout my life because of him! I see the value in everyone where many would see it lacking because of him! I saw a man at my young age loose everything, not want anything to do with his religion, family You hold a love for your family and religion in your own way today.... and made a change to be a better man! I love you dad! I don't say or see you nearly enough! I do value the lessons that you taught and the memories you gave that you couldn't otherwise if you had not made the choice to change!! Much love and respect to your day of Independence from your old self!!! I love you!!








Saturday, July 1, 2017

Women and Education - Eva Witesman -

Regardless of your religious persuasions, listen to this -
well worth the 28 minutes,
and then let's talk. 





Thursday, June 29, 2017

Quiet - Introverts -

I've been quiet the past several days. Too much running around in my head to really sit down and write about it all.

Writing really does take energy, and sharing my writing has been a risk I've chosen to take these past nearly 5 years. But some days, even weeks, putting my thoughts, or better yet - exposing myself, in print is pretty scary.

So occasionally I choose to be quiet - on paper. However, the writing that goes on in my head never stops.

It seems when it's the noisiest around me, I want to tuck away, leave the madness - even if the madness is only just clutter in reality, and take time to be.

And that's where I've been.

Thanks for your patience, and love.

Monday, June 19, 2017

My Mom - and Change -

I received a text this morning from my mother (well, I received several, but I'll talk about one specific). She wrote, "Call me when you have a minute. I promise, it's something good."

My mother HATES change. And this year has been full of changes, and she has done a spectacular job of rolling with the newness, even when she hasn't wanted to. In fact, she's been able to make decisions on her own (tough in the past; she works by consensus); take care of insurance and money issues (she hates money issues); ask for help (where did I get my independence from?); and take a couple of road trips, all by herself.

So I wouldn't say she's embraced the changes that have come since Dad's death, but she certainly has seen that changes will happen, and she can fight them, or surrender to win.

Mom still worries, gets overwhelmed, gets overly-caught up in projects, has a tough time making some decisions, but all in all, she's doing so well!

And today, when I called her, for the good news, she said, "Oh, oops, I forgot what I was going to tell you. I'll call you when I remember." I had to laugh. Because two constants about my mom are her desire to share and her desire to keep the family informed (I wonder who else she shared the good news with, or forgot to share.)

She called me back moments later, "I remember now. You will be so proud of me. Joan and Marianne invited me to lunch with them on Wednesday. And I said Yes!"

One thing about Mom is that she doesn't like "being a burden." Like she ever could be such. And she doesn't want anyone's pity, and typically her life revolves around family. So for her to say, "Yes," is a major event, one, yes Mom, that I do consider good news.

Way to go, Mom. So proud of you. So very proud of you. Thanks for sharing!