ADHD and Aging - Taking it Personal -

 Nearly 18 years ago I married a man who was/is kind, generous, intelligent, goofy, brilliant, creative, well-read and has medicated and psychotherapy'ed ADHD (sadly, not diagnosed until in his 40's, which means all those behaviors made him "difficult" rather than attempting to understand). 

Over the years we've done the "you don't understand me," "help others understand me," dance. I have a hard enough time figuring myself out and explaining myself, that being his constant advocate has been tiring and difficult. 

And yet, I love him so much, and I can see the goodness behind those layers of being misunderstood, of having to fight to focus, of speaking before thinking, of reacting rather than acting, and forgetting; forgetting is the worst of this. So I explain, and explain, and occasionally, more lately, get overwhelmed and bratty and bothered. 

Because my love language is "Acts of Service," and because folks with ADHD live in the moment, and his remembering to do anything outside of the moment has grown worse over the years (no matter what we've tried), I've had to learn how to quickly forgive, how to take care of many of my needs by myself, and then explain my irritation or shortness or disappointment to him, others, and mostly, myself. 

There are days when I think I cannot handle his ADHD one more breath, and then I remember that behind this disorder is the most amazing man I've ever met, and I take a deep breath, or ten, and act, rather than react. 

Although - in his anger and rage (which comes with his passion, his love for people, and his inability to communicate this) I allow myself to be hurt, and there are days/moments when the divide between the two of us is wide. 

These past few years, and particularly this past year, his ADHD has grown worse. I attribute that to many things - aging, inability to "do the things I could when I was 30," and his realization that his ADHD-ravaged communication skills have complicated many relationships. He also had an injury early this spring that has kept him home-bound, with 2 major surgeries, for the past 8.5 months, with probably 3 more months of recovery before he can even begin to move forward rather than wait for healing to happen. 

And if I know one thing, waiting, for someone with ADHD, is a death sentence. There is an innate need to be doing and moving, and he's been limited to Hulu, Prime, Netflix (good grief, he can't even hold a book to read right now - besides no concentration ability because of the pain), and an occasional AA meeting. No friends have reached out, no one from our church congregation has checked in, no one has taken him to lunch, and with my chaotic work, I have come home empty. 

Thus, evenings and weekends, have not been revitalizing, rather "git 'er done" time - where everything that I haven't had the time to do, and everything he hasn't had the ability to do, has to be taken care of. With no "cup-filling" time. 

Exhausting, limiting, wearing, nearly-debilitating, for both of us. The two beautiful weeks in Denmark and Sweden were amazing, yet, not the time-away I was needing. 

So, with children seeing my frustration, and me getting the, "Mom, you should be more nice," lecture (when often, they did see the end-of-my-rope, and it was fraying and my hands were bleeding from hanging on), I busted my ass and did some heavy-duty research - primary and secondary, into ADHD and aging. 

An interesting visual came up on a friend's FB page, and Scott stated, "This is the best description I've ever seen of who/how I am," which pushed me toward understanding how to counter-balance these behaviors. 

Through the years I have read books and articles on ADHD and marriage/dating/relationships/schooling/children/teens/work, but NOTHING on living with adults who have lived with ADHD their entire lives. 

So, I assembled one! With Scott's approval, and that of his therapist's, I sent this to our children. I'm placing it below in hopes that someone/somewhere can benefit from this. 

And in the meantime, I'm praying, seeing my own healer, and working on separating the two of us - making time for me, and only me, again. 

If by chance this doesn't show, Google "ADHD Iceberg."

While there is little definitive research on the ADHD brain and aging, many of these tendencies are exacerbated with normal age-related issues.

Below is a list I’ve complied from the info I’ve gathered, the people I’ve talked with, and the experience I’ve had. Here are some things that can be done to curtail some of these behaviors:

·        *Read the above iceberg and while hard to differentiate between personality and person, it’s often ADHD acting, not the person

·        * limit stimuli

·        * do one thing at a time

·        * give positive feedback

·       * redirect conversations when they are repetitive, non-productive or negative

·       * go for a walk or do an activity together rather than sitting and talking (harder to have a conversation)

·       *  help them avoid sugar or processed foods

·       * do things they can focus on (sports, puzzles, movies, watching or playing with children)

·       * ask clarifying questions, seek to understand

·        * don’t confront or react; act

·        * relationships are so important - build on now rather than the past

·        * involve them in your life (they will typically go/do anything for you)

·        * encourage them to wear hearing aids and/or glasses

·        * compliment them, stay positive in your conversations - don’t go down the rabbit hole with them

·        * encourage their goodness

·        * be diplomatic with them

·        * remind them of their good character traits and values

·       * ADHD tendencies intensify based on their surroundings - sounds, activities, conversations, energy; they will react to these; be in charge and change the course

·        * do something they enjoy doing

·        * some things don’t compute; that’s just fine

·        * avoid confrontations or arguing; their thinking is rarely rational when angry

·       * remind them, simply, and no, forgetting had nothing to do with you

·       * when they interrupt or dominate a conversation gently discourage and don’t dwell on it

·       * they are NOT ADHD; they can be fun, loving, quirky, compassionate, passionate, genuine, generous

·       * Lastly, it’s tough to live with someone with the intensity of ADHD as some have. Be patient with spouse, give them a break, support them in their concerns. 

And then I found this and this - 

L

Made a Difference to That One -

What a month! And yet, I really should post a closure to this month - Pinktober, and share a little. It's been 9 years since I began this blog, and while it definitely waxes and wanes, it continues to be a source of reflection and perspective for me, and as I've heard from those who read this, I touch souls every once and awhile. 

And that's where I'm at these days - reflecting and wondering about my "impact" on the world. I am not a fan of stories that begin with "two people were walking down the beach one day" because ultimately it turns into the "Jesus was carrying me" poem that drives me crazy. However . . . there is the starfish story (One day two people were walking along a beach covered in starfish. One person started picking them up and throwing them back into the ocean, saying they didn't want the starfish to die. The other said this couldn't possibly make a difference to all that would remain stranded on the beach. The person, while picking up another, said, "Made a difference to that one."), and it has had an impact on me. 

But I move too far ahead. In my pre-cancer life I was heavily involved in various communities. Music, arts, education, folklore and with participating, I became friends with so many many amazing people, invited to or hosted readings, parties, concerts, and being the introvert I am, I could be a gracious host or companion, and place the focus on the event, whether it was a conference presentation, a book reading, a gig, a meeting with the city council, or a church party. 

Since cancer, and even more so since beginning work in the Palliative Care clinic, and subsequently leaving UVU, I've pulled in, and it seems that my world has gotten smaller. I focus more on one-on-one conversations, sitting with a patient or the caregiver (often in silence), and more often than not, my job is not celebratory, but rather hushed and solemn. 

Sometimes this can be a lonely space. Sometimes it's great to be quiet. 

My sister is involved in many events in her city; she's really putting herself "out there" and making a huge impact in several communities. She's making a difference; she's an innovator, a creator, an educator. And it's her season to do so. This week as she shared with me some communications, events, communities she's involved with, I wondered, to her, if I could ever get to a point where I could, again, make a difference. 

And then she replied, "You truly make a difference; have done so for many years, and continue to do so. . . . I'm glad you recognize moments where you say you're too tired. Be tired and do nothing if that's all you can do or feel. it's okay." 

With the complete devastation that comes with cancer, the lengthy recovery, and then all of life on top of this, healing - body, mind, soul, takes so much time. And then compound this with all of the events of "regular" life and family and job, and no wonder I am fried and left wondering if I will ever see me again. 

So I've been forced to wait, and watch, and recover - not just from cancer, but from some very heart-breaking gut-wrenching soul-searching mentally and physically exhausting events of 2020 and 2021. And as I continue to heal, my energy is slowly returning, I am beginning to see a little more clearly, and feeling, just a little, like I may want to step out and participate, again. 

In the meantime, I am content helping others heal, by being that healing presence, that comforter, someone who can acknowledge the pain and the journey, and just Being. 

When I come home in the evening and report on my day, I have to remind myself that although I didn't change any policies, create any events, present any papers, entertain hundreds, I did make a difference to one. 

Looking forward while staying in the moment. 

9 years ago mid-October. Hair is gone, confidence is shot, innocence is lost.  

Speeding in Sweden and the Danish Police -

 I received an email, written in Danish, from the Copenhagen Police last week, stating I had received a speeding ticket. And, after deciphering and translating, found out they had charged me $56 to notify me, and now I had to notify the police listed in one of the docs they sent me, to take care of my ticket. On Monday I sent an email to the police officer handling my "case." I wrote: 

I received a notification from my car rental company, Sixt (vehicle DB84494), that I had a speeding offense in Kungavls. That must have been the day we drove to see the beautiful island of Marstrand. I must say, with all the traveling we did on our two week journey of Western Sweden and all of Denmark, this area was spectacular! The farmland was unbelievably gorgeous.

We traveled to this Scandinavian area of heaven to learn more about my roots, where many of my ancestors lived, for generations. My husband and I felt so blessed to be able to do this.

 

Please let me know what I need to do to make sure this speeding offense is taken care of.

 

I am attaching the letter I received from Sixt, and the Google translation of that letter.

 

Sincerely, Ronda Walker Weaver

 

And then yesterday morning, I received an email in return, and I was leery of even opening the email, expecting something far different than I received: 

Dear Ms. Ronda Walker Weaver

 

I thank you for getting back to me in this matter.

The car rental company has to inform you about the speeding, but you don´t have to worry. I have already closed this case with the Swedish Police, and you will hear no more of it.

 

Since you do not have neither a Danish CPR number, a Danish driving license and also live abroad, we don´t follow up in traffic matters like this.

(So unless you have a Swedish Driving license or something like that, you won´t hear from the Swedish Police either).

 

I am happy to know that you had a memorable trip, and wish you and your husband all the best.

 

Venlig hilsen / Kind regards

 

Maj-Britt Overgaard

kontorfuldmægtig

 

Færdselsafdelingen / Traffic Department

Gammel Køge Landevej 1

Happy Fall Ya'll - Playing Catch'up -

Over a month since my last post - this is a record! And a worthy record too - 2 weeks in Sweden and Denmark; shoulder replacement surgery for Scott; work, work, work, for me; end of summer/beginning of fall yard and family activities. And 90% good! 

More details on our lovely vacation later, yet these pictures are a great tease into our late August and September. 

What do You Love About the Way You Look?

So often women as taught to be subtle, not gloat on compliments, don't brag, don't point out assets. Yet in being taught this, we're subtly taught to not love ourselves, to not love our bodies (come one now, how many figure enhancing or reducing billboards are there, let alone social media shit talking about learning to self-love through medication, work-outs, diets, or plastic surgery). 

And then we try to teach our daughters and granddaughters to love themselves - we tell them how much we love their dimples, their skinny legs, their sturdy legs, their soft bellies, their shiny hair, their kinky hair, their soft skin, cute toes, pudgy fingers, their smiles and smirks, and then we teach them to suppress these points of compliments when they grow older.  

When was the last time YOU found something about yourself, your body, that you loved, and pointed it out, to yourself or a loved one? 

I love my - 

Hair - always been blonde, now is white with blonde. A little curl, a lot of body, thick. 

Teeth - pretty white, pretty straight. 

Hands - strong nails, slender fingers. 

Feet - well-shaped even toes, decent nails. 

In-between - still learning, and learning how to make peace with the parts that will probably not be my favorites, ever. 

At 62, still learning how to love some parts of me. 

Thanks to Cup of Jo for the inspiration for this post. Read the comments - beautiful. 

The Most Profound Words -

 A friend who's going through tough times this year, had a tough experience today, and she just sent me the most profound phrase I've heard in a long long time. Something I think we all need to know when we go THROUGH hard times, not around, not over, not ignore, but through the tunnel/door/canal/self-doubt - 

". . . and I didn't break."

Sister, friend, daughter, grand-daughter, lover, significant other, client, caregiver, this is for you. You will not break - going through is so much tougher than being on the other side. I know. And today, my friend found this out as well. 

Way to go, Danielle! 

The Consequences of a Single Story - TED -

Two TED's in a row! I do love a well-spoken presentation. And this speaks to my soul as a folklorist and as a chaplain. 

Enjoy - (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D9Ihs241zeg&feature=emb_title)

What is your story? What is your disillusioned story? Your stereotyped story about yourself, about others?