Let Us Oft Speak Kind Words -

Too much going on, and I honestly have trouble just staying focused on what is right in front of me. And yet without having learned how to stay in the moment, look for the good, and seek to understand, I'm afraid I'd be a nervous wreck right now. 

My salvation - knowing "this too shall pass," and "what the mind expects tends to be realized," and "what goes around comes around," "worrying robs us of our todays and tomorrows," and "that which we persist in doing becomes easier to do, not because the nature of the thing has changed, but because our ability to do has increased." 

See - all those times I've taught patients to stay in the moment, pull the mind in to the present, focus on what you can do, not what you can't; and that we can control our minds, not letting our minds control us, and seeking respite in the storm, have had their impact on me. Those phrases above? They are no longer just sounds, but actual content, and for me, beliefs that truly ground me when the storm is swirling around. 

And I'll say, there's been a shit-storm swirling for about 18 months, and although CoVid has played a mighty roll in this storm, there's a lot of other elements that have also impacted the weather in my life. 

I can picture my Grandmother Jensen singing the LDS Hymn, "Let Us Oft Speak Kind Words to Each Other," whenever there was contention in the air. And I can hear my Grandfather Jensen laughingly singing "In a world where sorrow often can be found . . . scatter sunshine everywhere you go," as he shoveled shit from one part of the cattle yard to the other. They found joy in the storm! And this year, I'm understanding the profound lessons they, and others, continue to teach me. 

I cannot calm the storm, but I can calm my racing heart, my anxiety (typically displayed as raw lips from picking at them), my furrowed brows, my fears (IBS), my shoulders that carry all that and more. And, although I often write about beliefs, I seldom proclaim my own theological ones. Yet today, I must give credit to the One who I reach out to more often than others. There is truly something empowering about being able to "Let go and let God," and believe, and practice, and then witness. 

The storm is far from clearing. However, I'm learning, more and more, that I can "sleep when the wind blows." And, how to do it. 

Speak kind words to yourself, my friends; it begins with you, then radiates out - "Kind words are sweet tones, of, the heart." 

Richard Rohr - A Joyful Mind -

 I subscribe to Franciscan priest's, Richard Rohr, Daily Meditation (written). I seldom read his entire post, yet the titles and the initial thought often are the intention that I need to carry me through my day. 

For instance: 

Confidence does not arise from our ego or efforts, but from the goodness of God. 

There is an absolute connection between how we see God and how we see ourselves and the universe. 

The purpose of prayer and religious seeing is to see the truth about Reality, to see what is. And at the bottom of what is is always goodness. The foundation is always love. 

Until I discover the God in which I believe, I will never understand another thing about my own life. If my God is a harsh judge, I will live in unquenchable guilt. if my God is Holy Nothingness, I will live a life of cosmic loneliness. If my God is taunt and bully, I will live my life impaled on the pin of a grinning giant. If my God is life and hope, I will live in fullness overflowing forever. 

This - 

If Jesus is representative of the total givenness of God to creation, the perhaps Mary is the representative of humanity, showing us how the gift is received. And I believe that is why we love Mary. She's a stand in for all of us. When we can say, like her, "Let it be," then we're truly ready for Christmas.  

Rohr's thoughts give me pause as well as give me something to think through as I work with patients. I often wonder how they perceive goodness, love, life, hope, and I will ask, and listen, and receive their offerings.  

This month, the month of love, grace, goodness, peace, hope, did not begin in this direction. Turmoil at work, all the ADHD'ness conversations, on top of my day-to-day stressors, have pitted against me. Yet a week ago, in a moment of quiet contemplation (typically happening in a warm car, pulled to the side of the road, prior to entering my home, after work), gave me the answer - "Things will be just fine. Trust the process. Stay present." And I have, and I will. And Rohr once again came through with this reminder. And while there's so much here, I'm choosing to pick a phrase a day, and ponder: 

What might a joyful mind be?

"When your mind does not need to be right.

"When you no longer need to compare yourself with others.

"When you no longer need to compete — not even in your own head.

"When your mind can be creative, but without needing anyone to know.

"When you can live in contentment with whatever the moment offers.

"When you do not need to analyze or judge things in or out, positive or negative.

"When your mind does not need to be in charge, but can serve the moment with gracious and affirming information.

"When your mind follows the intelligent lead of your heart.

"When your mind is curious and interested, not suspicious and interrogating.

"When your mind does not 'brood over injuries.'

"When you do not need to humiliate, critique, or defeat those who have hurt you — not even in your mind.

"When your mind does not need to create self-justifying story lines.

"When your mind does not need the future to be better than today.

"When your mind can let go of obsessive or negative thoughts.

"When your mind can think well of itself, but without needing to.

"When your mind can accept yourself as you are, warts and all.

"When your mind can surrender to what is.

"When your mind does not divide and always condemn one side or group.

"When your mind can find truth on both sides.

"When your mind fills in the gaps with 'the benefit of the doubt' for both friend and enemy.

"When your mind can critique and also detach from the critique.

"When your mind can wait, listen, and learn.

"When your mind can live satisfied without resolution or closure.

"When your mind can forgive and actually 'forget.'

"When your mind can admit it was wrong and change.

"When your mind can stop judging and critiquing itself.

"When you don't need to complain or worry to get motivated.

"When you can observe your mind contracting into self-preservation or self-validation, and then laugh or weep over it.

"When you can actually love with your mind.

"When your mind can find God in all things."

Timpanogos - M'lady -

 Published! I was invited to submit a piece for Utah's Thrive 125; a short 125 word piece, often called Flash Fiction - writing without a lengthy editing process. And it's available to read here: https://thrive125.utah.gov/weaver/. 22 writers, 125 words. 

My Bestie, Karin Anderson, also has a piece. It's a heart-warming soul-aching short. And like all of her work, touches me to my very bones. 

Sweet! 

ADHD and Aging - Taking it Personal -

 Nearly 18 years ago I married a man who was/is kind, generous, intelligent, goofy, brilliant, creative, well-read and has medicated and psychotherapy'ed ADHD (sadly, not diagnosed until in his 40's, which means all those behaviors made him "difficult" rather than attempting to understand). 

Over the years we've done the "you don't understand me," "help others understand me," dance. I have a hard enough time figuring myself out and explaining myself, that being his constant advocate has been tiring and difficult. 

And yet, I love him so much, and I can see the goodness behind those layers of being misunderstood, of having to fight to focus, of speaking before thinking, of reacting rather than acting, and forgetting; forgetting is the worst of this. So I explain, and explain, and occasionally, more lately, get overwhelmed and bratty and bothered. 

Because my love language is "Acts of Service," and because folks with ADHD live in the moment, and his remembering to do anything outside of the moment has grown worse over the years (no matter what we've tried), I've had to learn how to quickly forgive, how to take care of many of my needs by myself, and then explain my irritation or shortness or disappointment to him, others, and mostly, myself. 

There are days when I think I cannot handle his ADHD one more breath, and then I remember that behind this disorder is the most amazing man I've ever met, and I take a deep breath, or ten, and act, rather than react. 

Although - in his anger and rage (which comes with his passion, his love for people, and his inability to communicate this) I allow myself to be hurt, and there are days/moments when the divide between the two of us is wide. 

These past few years, and particularly this past year, his ADHD has grown worse. I attribute that to many things - aging, inability to "do the things I could when I was 30," and his realization that his ADHD-ravaged communication skills have complicated many relationships. He also had an injury early this spring that has kept him home-bound, with 2 major surgeries, for the past 8.5 months, with probably 3 more months of recovery before he can even begin to move forward rather than wait for healing to happen. 

And if I know one thing, waiting, for someone with ADHD, is a death sentence. There is an innate need to be doing and moving, and he's been limited to Hulu, Prime, Netflix (good grief, he can't even hold a book to read right now - besides no concentration ability because of the pain), and an occasional AA meeting. No friends have reached out, no one from our church congregation has checked in, no one has taken him to lunch, and with my chaotic work, I have come home empty. 

Thus, evenings and weekends, have not been revitalizing, rather "git 'er done" time - where everything that I haven't had the time to do, and everything he hasn't had the ability to do, has to be taken care of. With no "cup-filling" time. 

Exhausting, limiting, wearing, nearly-debilitating, for both of us. The two beautiful weeks in Denmark and Sweden were amazing, yet, not the time-away I was needing. 

So, with children seeing my frustration, and me getting the, "Mom, you should be more nice," lecture (when often, they did see the end-of-my-rope, and it was fraying and my hands were bleeding from hanging on), I busted my ass and did some heavy-duty research - primary and secondary, into ADHD and aging. 

An interesting visual came up on a friend's FB page, and Scott stated, "This is the best description I've ever seen of who/how I am," which pushed me toward understanding how to counter-balance these behaviors. 

Through the years I have read books and articles on ADHD and marriage/dating/relationships/schooling/children/teens/work, but NOTHING on living with adults who have lived with ADHD their entire lives. 

So, I assembled one! With Scott's approval, and that of his therapist's, I sent this to our children. I'm placing it below in hopes that someone/somewhere can benefit from this. 

And in the meantime, I'm praying, seeing my own healer, and working on separating the two of us - making time for me, and only me, again. 

If by chance this doesn't show, Google "ADHD Iceberg."

While there is little definitive research on the ADHD brain and aging, many of these tendencies are exacerbated with normal age-related issues.

Below is a list I’ve complied from the info I’ve gathered, the people I’ve talked with, and the experience I’ve had. Here are some things that can be done to curtail some of these behaviors:

·        *Read the above iceberg and while hard to differentiate between personality and person, it’s often ADHD acting, not the person

·        * limit stimuli

·        * do one thing at a time

·        * give positive feedback

·       * redirect conversations when they are repetitive, non-productive or negative

·       * go for a walk or do an activity together rather than sitting and talking (harder to have a conversation)

·       *  help them avoid sugar or processed foods

·       * do things they can focus on (sports, puzzles, movies, watching or playing with children)

·       * ask clarifying questions, seek to understand

·        * don’t confront or react; act

·        * relationships are so important - build on now rather than the past

·        * involve them in your life (they will typically go/do anything for you)

·        * encourage them to wear hearing aids and/or glasses

·        * compliment them, stay positive in your conversations - don’t go down the rabbit hole with them

·        * encourage their goodness

·        * be diplomatic with them

·        * remind them of their good character traits and values

·       * ADHD tendencies intensify based on their surroundings - sounds, activities, conversations, energy; they will react to these; be in charge and change the course

·        * do something they enjoy doing

·        * some things don’t compute; that’s just fine

·        * avoid confrontations or arguing; their thinking is rarely rational when angry

·       * remind them, simply, and no, forgetting had nothing to do with you

·       * when they interrupt or dominate a conversation gently discourage and don’t dwell on it

·       * they are NOT ADHD; they can be fun, loving, quirky, compassionate, passionate, genuine, generous

·       * Lastly, it’s tough to live with someone with the intensity of ADHD as some have. Be patient with spouse, give them a break, support them in their concerns. 

And then I found this and this - 

L

Made a Difference to That One -

What a month! And yet, I really should post a closure to this month - Pinktober, and share a little. It's been 9 years since I began this blog, and while it definitely waxes and wanes, it continues to be a source of reflection and perspective for me, and as I've heard from those who read this, I touch souls every once and awhile. 

And that's where I'm at these days - reflecting and wondering about my "impact" on the world. I am not a fan of stories that begin with "two people were walking down the beach one day" because ultimately it turns into the "Jesus was carrying me" poem that drives me crazy. However . . . there is the starfish story (One day two people were walking along a beach covered in starfish. One person started picking them up and throwing them back into the ocean, saying they didn't want the starfish to die. The other said this couldn't possibly make a difference to all that would remain stranded on the beach. The person, while picking up another, said, "Made a difference to that one."), and it has had an impact on me. 

But I move too far ahead. In my pre-cancer life I was heavily involved in various communities. Music, arts, education, folklore and with participating, I became friends with so many many amazing people, invited to or hosted readings, parties, concerts, and being the introvert I am, I could be a gracious host or companion, and place the focus on the event, whether it was a conference presentation, a book reading, a gig, a meeting with the city council, or a church party. 

Since cancer, and even more so since beginning work in the Palliative Care clinic, and subsequently leaving UVU, I've pulled in, and it seems that my world has gotten smaller. I focus more on one-on-one conversations, sitting with a patient or the caregiver (often in silence), and more often than not, my job is not celebratory, but rather hushed and solemn. 

Sometimes this can be a lonely space. Sometimes it's great to be quiet. 

My sister is involved in many events in her city; she's really putting herself "out there" and making a huge impact in several communities. She's making a difference; she's an innovator, a creator, an educator. And it's her season to do so. This week as she shared with me some communications, events, communities she's involved with, I wondered, to her, if I could ever get to a point where I could, again, make a difference. 

And then she replied, "You truly make a difference; have done so for many years, and continue to do so. . . . I'm glad you recognize moments where you say you're too tired. Be tired and do nothing if that's all you can do or feel. it's okay." 

With the complete devastation that comes with cancer, the lengthy recovery, and then all of life on top of this, healing - body, mind, soul, takes so much time. And then compound this with all of the events of "regular" life and family and job, and no wonder I am fried and left wondering if I will ever see me again. 

So I've been forced to wait, and watch, and recover - not just from cancer, but from some very heart-breaking gut-wrenching soul-searching mentally and physically exhausting events of 2020 and 2021. And as I continue to heal, my energy is slowly returning, I am beginning to see a little more clearly, and feeling, just a little, like I may want to step out and participate, again. 

In the meantime, I am content helping others heal, by being that healing presence, that comforter, someone who can acknowledge the pain and the journey, and just Being. 

When I come home in the evening and report on my day, I have to remind myself that although I didn't change any policies, create any events, present any papers, entertain hundreds, I did make a difference to one. 

Looking forward while staying in the moment. 

9 years ago mid-October. Hair is gone, confidence is shot, innocence is lost.  

Speeding in Sweden and the Danish Police -

 I received an email, written in Danish, from the Copenhagen Police last week, stating I had received a speeding ticket. And, after deciphering and translating, found out they had charged me $56 to notify me, and now I had to notify the police listed in one of the docs they sent me, to take care of my ticket. On Monday I sent an email to the police officer handling my "case." I wrote: 

I received a notification from my car rental company, Sixt (vehicle DB84494), that I had a speeding offense in Kungavls. That must have been the day we drove to see the beautiful island of Marstrand. I must say, with all the traveling we did on our two week journey of Western Sweden and all of Denmark, this area was spectacular! The farmland was unbelievably gorgeous.

We traveled to this Scandinavian area of heaven to learn more about my roots, where many of my ancestors lived, for generations. My husband and I felt so blessed to be able to do this.

 

Please let me know what I need to do to make sure this speeding offense is taken care of.

 

I am attaching the letter I received from Sixt, and the Google translation of that letter.

 

Sincerely, Ronda Walker Weaver

 

And then yesterday morning, I received an email in return, and I was leery of even opening the email, expecting something far different than I received: 

Dear Ms. Ronda Walker Weaver

 

I thank you for getting back to me in this matter.

The car rental company has to inform you about the speeding, but you don´t have to worry. I have already closed this case with the Swedish Police, and you will hear no more of it.

 

Since you do not have neither a Danish CPR number, a Danish driving license and also live abroad, we don´t follow up in traffic matters like this.

(So unless you have a Swedish Driving license or something like that, you won´t hear from the Swedish Police either).

 

I am happy to know that you had a memorable trip, and wish you and your husband all the best.

 

Venlig hilsen / Kind regards

 

Maj-Britt Overgaard

kontorfuldmægtig

 

Færdselsafdelingen / Traffic Department

Gammel Køge Landevej 1

Happy Fall Ya'll - Playing Catch'up -

Over a month since my last post - this is a record! And a worthy record too - 2 weeks in Sweden and Denmark; shoulder replacement surgery for Scott; work, work, work, for me; end of summer/beginning of fall yard and family activities. And 90% good! 

More details on our lovely vacation later, yet these pictures are a great tease into our late August and September.