Good Friday

Say "Yes" to life. 

 

Even with challenges, life is good.

Does THIS Ever End?

I have some swelling in my hands. I innocently thought it was water retention. Yesterday the radiation oncologist and his nurse suggested it may be lymphedema. Remember my rant about this side-effect? Well, I guess I might as well experience all the bumps and twists and turns while I'm on this cancer road trip - it certainly isn't one I want to return to, so I may as well get all I can out of this journey.

So, as a precaution, I have an appointment to visit the lymphedema specialists in a couple of weeks, and I had the privilege of going to Carol's Mastectomy Boutique in Salt Lake City, being fitted with a compression sleeve that I'll wear whenever I travel in a plane, sit for any extended period of time, or whenever the air pressure changes, do heavy lifting or pulling - for the rest of my life, just in case!

What next? What more?


The lady who helped me at Carol's was so kind - I have met some of the most beautifully amazing folks on this journey. 

PS - this is sooooo not me!

Sunday

On Sunday I went to church. I looked 3 pews ahead of me, and saw Denise Morgan (not her real name). She and her husband are in their early 70's. They returned to their home last August after spending 18 months serving their Church by reaching out to and mentoring young LDS folks in Arizona, giving them a chance to have a family and a place where they could safely discuss their religious questions. The Morgan's also participated in developing an LDS Institute program where these same young adults could receive a formal education regarding The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Shortly after returning home Thomas Morgan was asked to be the Bishop (leader) of his LDS congregation. Usually this calling is given to someone in their 40's-50's, but it isn't unusual for someone older to receive this opportunity. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints operates on a volunteer basis with lay leaders rather than paid leaders. Thomas and his wife said, "yes" to this calling.

At the same time as these transitions to home and church were happening, Denise was having headaches. She received 8 surgeries to drain and repair her sinus cavities.

On Sunday, I saw Denise, and walked up to give her a hug prior to our service beginning. She and her husband are aware of my cancer. I sat down next to her - both of us with shorter than usual hair, reached across to give her a hug, and she quietly said to me, "It's cancer." Oh my; I was so sad, so very very sad to hear this news. We chatted for a moment about where we both were in our treatment plans, and then I hurried back to our pew as the opening song began.

I love music. I love hymns, sacred songs that speak not just to my ears but to my soul. A congregational song began, and the words touched me like they have never spoken to me before.

I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me.
Confused at the grace that so fully he proffers me.
I tremble to know that for me he was crucified.
That for me, a sinner, he suffered, he bled and died.

O it is wonderful that He should care for me
Enough to die for me!
O it is wonderful, wonderful to me!

I marvel that He would descend from His throne divine
To rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine;
That He should extend His great love unto such as I,
Sufficient to own, to redeem, and to justify.

I think of His side, pierced and bleeding to pay the debt,
Such mercy, such love and devotion can I forget?
No, no! I will praise and adore at the mercy seat,
And testify all my desires He doth fully meet.
(Mormon ending: Until at the glorified throne I kneel at his feet.)

As I had been thinking on the justice, mercy, grace triangle, I listened, rather than sang, and was touched that all 3 are presented here. Denise, myself, others who have been dealt a card they were not expecting, we will be OK. Whether believers or not, we provide each other with the out-stretched hand, we give and receive. Believers - His hand is there for us to reach toward, to grab onto, and we are rescued. 

God of Second Chances

My God is a God of 2nd chances, and 3rd chances, and more. I see these as the gift of Grace. Grace appears as the third card in the Justice and Mercy deck. Grace happens when both of these cards have been dealt and there is still another way. Justice and Mercy are binary ways of thinking - either/or. Grace adds that critical thinking element; life doesn't have to be one or the other, think about it, there is another way.

Along the cancer road, Justice would be the card that says, "You have a good doctor, you are healthy, let's look at your type of cancer and the numbers associated with it." Mercy's card would say, in addition to the Justice card, "You have a great support system with lots of family and friends praying for you and sending positive energy your way." Grace takes these two cards into account and adds, "Learn what you need to learn from this experience, and then let go. Whatever happens is for your own growth."

Justice says, "You must have drawn that card in heaven. We never know what we choose, until it's delivered to us." Mercy says, "God must really love you to give you this opportunity for growth." Grace - "Go and grow."

This is where the God of 2nd and 3rd chances comes in. "Go and grow," is not a one-time card. It's a card we can use over and over again, in fact, we probably will. I don't like blaming God for my "trials," I prefer looking at these as natural aspects of living in this world, a world, in my dogma, that gives us experiences that we can use in this life and as we travel to our next life.

I think of the decisions I've made over my lifetime, not always pretty decisions, but nonetheless, justice, mercy, and grace have appeared as I determine how to proceed. I'm not damned, I'm not saved, but I am given another chance.

It's the Little Things

"Don't sweat the small stuff, and it's all small stuff." The catch phrase of the 2000's? I think this is my 2013 manifesto - "Love the little things, and everything is little."

This weekend I was able to enjoy some of these little things, and it's been 6 months since I've been able to do them.

1. I went swimming. The Homestead in Midway, UT, has a crater that has a spring, and the spring has 91 degree water. So nice. No open wounds or low blood counts. Awww, water. 
2. I spent hours with Ava Jo (3 yrs. old in May). I haven't spent time alone with Ava. I had her all to myself for quite some time. We "learned" each other. 
3. My kids and their families came to dinner. We haven't all been together in our home, since the end of August. 
4. I vacuumed. I haven't had the strength or stamina to do this simple chore - and I enjoy vacuuming. 
5. I went to church. I've been a few times (4?), but to go to our worship service and listen to beautiful words, sing hymns of praise, and share in the fellowship of others brought me joy. 
6. I put gel on my hair! It's getting a little bit of curl to it, and I just had to manage it. 

Here's to a little things kind of week - 

What a Week

I am so grateful today is Friday - and boy, the busy week has flown by (17 radiation treatments down, 18 to go!). I've been gathering motivating thoughts the past several months - those that help me through tough days. I thought I'd share today - to me, they are inspiring. Enjoy, and have a great weekend!

Explaining Breast Cancer

Yesterday morning when I received wonderful news regarding my breast cancer genetics (see below), I realized I haven't explained, in any depth, my type of cancer. So here goes - I've learned the language of cancer over the past seven months. I was planning on brushing up on my Spanish, oh well! 

I have Stage 1 Grade 3 Triple Negative Invasive Ductal Carcinoma Breast Cancer.

Stage: Stage is explained as the original location of the cancer and how far the cancer has spread - usually from 0-4. Mine is Stage 1 - there was a visible and palpable tumor, but it had not spread to surrounding tissue or to the lymph nodes, or to other organs (as far as we're aware).

Grade: Grade is a "score" that describes the different types of cancer cells, particularly on level of how they appear and differ from surrounding normal cells. From Grade 1 to Grade 4, with my cancer cells looking different from normal cells. They grow quickly divide rapidly, are disorganized (my cells, no way!), and have irregular patterns.

Triple Negative (TNBC): Cancers, especially in women, have 3 points that determine the receptiveness of cancer cells to particular treatments. These receptors include whether the cells are estrogen (ER), progesterone (PR), and protein receptive (Her2/neu). Determining this means each point can be positive or negative. If the cancer is ER and PR +, then treatment will often include a hormone-therapy chemotherapy medication that is taken on a daily basis for months, because the cancer is a receptor of this targeted treatment.

I have TNBC, or ER-, PR-, Her2-. Because my cancer cells do not respond to hormones, I had to have the chemotherapy that is basically a one chance to kill these cells, because I will not respond to hormone therapy or receptor targeted treatment.

My cancer usually appears in African-American women, younger women (pre-menopausal), and often shows a genetic tendency. It shows in 15-25% of breast cancers.

Genetic testing may be used to determine whether or not the TNBC is genetic. The BRCA test is a blood test, which shows the susceptibility of two cancer genes, BRCA 1 and BRCA 2. I am not, hallelujah, found out yesterday, a carrier of the gene mutation. This is great for my siblings and my children. TNBC often jumps from breast to ovaries, meaning I was facing the possibility of ovary removal, but no longer! One less surgery for me.

TNBC cancer is typically more aggressive, and the risk of "relapse" is higher for TNBC, for the first 3-5 years, then drops below the hormone-positive cancers.

Invasive Ductal Carcinoma is the most common type of breast cancer, and I'll leave it at that!