It's Always a Choice -

Today, just like every other day, I make multiple decisions:

To get up or stay in bed.
Exercise.
Shower.
Make up.
What to wear.
What not to wear.
Hair - straight or curly.
Breakfast - healthy, fast.
Work - time to arrive, time to leave.

And you get the idea.

But over the years I've found that while these are choices I make every single day, they are the most obvious, apparent ones, and yeah, while looking professional is important, and eating healthy and exercising is extremely important, I make other decisions that weigh heavily on me.

Am I a victim or a survivor - divorce, education, cancer, career.
Do I have a half-empty or half-full attitude.
Gratitude or unappreciative.
Engaging or isolating.
Supportive or needy.
Defensive or open.
Inviting or judging.

While I'm not always on the cheery end of the spectrum, there are a few things that keep me in the "Life is good" mode.

I have a choice.
I choose . . . .
Be the change.
Today is a new day.
Who is to blame?
Is there fault, or is it strictly attitude?
Am I Hungry Anxious/Angry Lonely Tired?
Where are the fingers pointing?

And when I'm physically hurting, I have to ask similarly and tell myself - "Trust the strong ones." Because I can't always be strong, but I always have a choice. And even if the choice is being weak or sad or ornery, it's still a choice.

New tattoo idea, "Be the change" across the side of my right foot. I learned this phrase from my father - "If you want something done, what are you waiting for? Do it." And while that's probably too much for my size 8 foot, "Be the change," is certainly the message that gleaned from his lessons, and one I've proudly carried with me. What do you think?

The Price for Peace -

It's been a great week; saying "NO" to something that was on my mind for so long has really been freeing. Even Scott has commented on how much at peace I've been. And I didn't even know it was causing me the unrest that it was - until that was gone, and woah, I'm a new person!

Earlier this week we had a house full of grandchildren, with lots of excitement and carpooling, thrown in. And I really didn't care. My house was a mess, there was lots of time spent in the car shuttling, and yet, we were happy. The kids had a great time, and honestly, so did I.

Peace is often hard to come by, yet how often is anxiety self-driven rather than other-driven? And when I found I could be the self to tell the other, well, peace came.

So going into the weekend, with amazing sleep all week, I'm happy to have found a few moments of "ommm." I hope you can as well.

Simple Summer -

I "feel like" I "should be" writing, but honestly, it's summer, and the living is "supposed to be" easy, and I like the idea of no obligations, no duties, no needs outside of my every day.

And I've had a chronic sinus infection since coming home from Switzerland, that doesn't seem to get any better regardless of medication.

So I only do what I feel like doing, and since this rarely happens, rather than feeling guilty, I'm enjoying.

And I'm not writing.

Happy Monday -

Traveling Light - Leaving Baggage Behind -

A key tenant for chaplains endorsed by my endorsing organization (CPSP) is that we "travel light." This belief is that we hold no animosity toward others, we choose to not judge, we carry no bundles of books and robes and collars and banners, and we own no buildings. We are travelers, bringing with us who we are, not what we have.

This principle goes well with my personal beliefs - baggage only makes the journey harder, heavier, less enjoyable.

When I was going through cancer treatments, there were days when I lay in bed and cleared my mind - sorted and sifted through my own emotional baggage, and asking for forgiveness where possible, giving forgiveness where necessary.

And on the days when my blood count was low, but I was functioning, I sorted and sifted through my house. Cabinet by cabinet, room by room, corner by corner, I touched and tossed or saved every single item in my house.

By the time April 18, 2013 rolled around, my mind and my house were much lighter.

But just because my house is more clean and better organized does not mean my traveling lighter has ended. I notice my baggage often, and I try to attack it immediately rather than letting it sit around taking up space.

For instance - my "no" last week? That mess was with me for quite some time, but as soon as it was over, I reviewed the experience, looked for what I could learn from it, and then moved past it. In fact, even the thought of undertaking that potential journey was heavy, there was baggage from the beginning that I would have to carry - baggage that was not mine. Last week an encounter with a work colleague that wasn't smooth took a short, "I'm sorry, how can I do better," and then a promise to do so, and a step forward. Today I had a tiny melt-down with Scott. And rather than even carry that with me through the day, I quickly owned my anger (really anxiety and doubt), asked for forgiveness, and moved into the day - and thank heavens so did Scott, also choosing to travel light. Emotional house cleaning is as beneficial as literal, and when the two are combined, as they were today, well, I feel so much better - and both of my houses look dandy!

When we left for Amsterdam we took an extra piece of luggage, just for keepsakes, and we spent a decent amount of time looking for things we could bring home - mementos as well as gifts. And the gifts we shared were awesome and well received.

But we decided our trip to Switzerland would be a great opportunity to travel lighter, with only our backpacks and no room for souvenirs.

Talk about freedom! Traveling around the country with only what we could carry on our back gave us the opportunity to not shop, but to look, linger, savor, our experiences. We each bought a small item, and we brought home some chocolate, but otherwise, we arrived home with what we took from home. Wow - did that make unpacking easy!

Now I'm not talking about living a life with no obligations, responsibilities, or memories, but I do know this - that when I'm traveling - whether in my heart, my mind, or with my own two feet, that I'm lighter when I'm carrying less - when I'm not burdened, but lightened by my load.

As a chaplain this is extraordinarily important - if I bring my burdens into a visit with a patient, they can sense this; I add to their load, and then, interestingly, I add their load to mine - I don't want to bring any type of illness "back with me." As a teacher this is so important - if I carried every student's "my dog at my paper," excuse I would be stuck under a pyramid of dog poop. I listen, reflect, and then move on, praying those I serve will find answers to their burdens, not praying that I will find an answer to their burden. And when I travel - particularly lately - I enjoy the few items in my suitcase, but knowing my choices are limited leaves me free to use my energy in other ways - especially of having experiences that will turn in to fond memories.

And my house? Oh goodness - ask me - "Where is your . . . " Because I'll know. I won't have to wonder and hunt and sort through piles to find it.

I keep reminding myself that the only things I can take with me are my experiences and my memories, and I will not leave my burdens or things, for someone else to carry when I'm gone. Some days I carry excess baggage, too much, belongs to someone else; I think we all do. But I find when I drop what's not mine, the world is a better place for everyone.

Travel light - part of the Hygge experience, part of Nourishing myself, Gleaning - taking only what I need, what I can use.

   

Sherman Alexie said "No" -

I thoroughly enjoy Sherman Alexie's writing. Brutal, honest, painful, hilarious, stunning. And this article about him pausing his book tour is so rich for me. It validates what I did this week. Self-care, we all need to say "no" when our heart, or our mothers, tell us to. If only we'll listen.

Read a report about his decision here.

A Confident NO - And Sinuses -

I did it - I said "No," to something that's been creeping up on me for the past nine months. And oh, I had major angst about this "no." I tried and tried to figure out how a "yes" could work. I could get a loan, push through faster than normal, sacrifice for the betterment of society (i.e. Mormon's in chaplaincy particularly), and yes, I could make this work.

But I'll tell you something - I don't operate on confusion. When I can see a project clear, or mostly clear, I can take hold of it and make it into a blooming success. And I have enough of these to be confident in my abilities to make something out of nothing.

And this - no matter how I looked at it, I was wandering into a dust cloud - with too many folks telling me what I "should" do, too many unknowns, too many entities involved. Typically I talk these types of situations out with a confidante or two, but this one, it was for Scott and I to figure out.

Until I took a leap and called a colleague - not even a bestie, but someone I could trust, and who understood the magnitude of this decision. After listening to me, as I rambled and sorted, she said, "And what is in it for you?"

I hadn't really thought about this, because I figured I'd be altruistic here, doing what was best for the other, pushing for another two years, making this happen, forcing it to work, and, as the bargaining chips fell into place - well, it looks good, and they have confidence in me, I am the best person, so why not. But I'd forgotten about me. There was nothing in this project for me! Why on earth was I stewing over it?

And with that question, and my answer, I finally had my entire answer - NO. No excuses, no options, no negotiating, just a "No."

I have a tough time saying "No." I don't want to disappoint others, don't want to minimize their efforts or their confidence in me, and I'll make sacrifices to make things work. But this time, I realized I don't want to make sacrifices; I don't want to make things work for someone else. I want to make things work for me! And when I had to tell two organizations that I was not interested, "No," I felt free - really really free.

So here I am. I've been flowing snot, swallowing snot, coughing snot non-stop, since saying "No." And I believe my mind is purging, cleansing, removing, and I'm doing my best to honor this. And it feels so good to be releasing the expectations others had for me. I'm looking forward to tomorrow, when the release will be finished, and I can input my plans - my dreams - my goals - that I've had on the back-burner for far too long.

Tissue, liquid, cough drops, nasal spray, good music, good book - gonna be a great day!

Yes - No - Yes - No -

Have you ever said "yes" when you really meant "no"?

Have you ever felt pushed into saying "yes," because someone has said "it's for your best" and then you felt obligated, thinking "then they must know"?

Have you ever had to say "no" after having said "yes"?

How do you do that? How do you say, "I know what's best for me"? "Thanks for the opportunity, but no"?

Even if it will make you "the first," "famous," "a rock star," a "pioneer," a "ground-breaker," and all you want is to do what's best? All you want to do is be a good person, a listener, a guide, a mom and grandma.

And then what?