Anger - This TED Explanation -

Last week Scott and I argued about garbage bags - I said let's use up the grocery bags we have saved, first, and he said let's use plastic garbage bags and save the grocery bags for an emergency. And we raised our voices, got angry, then stopped and laughed. 

It wasn't about garbage bags but control, and who is right and who is wrong and losing/gaining control, and really, doesn't freakin' matter? Trash is trash! 

I found this TED talk today, and I like it; this explanation works for me. React emotionally, then think critically. 

Enjoy - (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0rAngiiXBAc)

18 Years Ago - Divorce -

This week I am reminded of two major steps I made 18 years ago - fall in love with myself and ask for a divorce. 

I've read two bits this week that have made me reflect, again, on my choices: 

From Anne Patchett's book, This is the Story of a Happy Marriage, and the short story in it by the same name: "I understood that I had avoided catastrophe by the thickness of a coat of paint. He had done me the two greatest favors that anyone had ever done me in my life: he got me out, and then he let me go." I often send silent prayers of thanks to Crisfield, MD, for this. 

And this, from the Cup of Jo blog, a post "How I Made Peace with my Divorce," because I occasionally do look back, and wonder: 

What if my husband and I could have made our marriage work? If so, we might have spared our children so much grief. Imagine if, now — more than halfway through our sixties — we were living together on our old farm, welcoming our grandchildren there. Gathering around the big old trestle table where, long ago, we once rolled out the cookie dough and made potato print holiday cards. What if the whole thing — our years of doing battle with each other, the money spent on lawyers, my move to another town, and then another town after that, and another after that — had all been unnecessary? What if, instead of shuttling between our two houses all those years, with their brown paper bags of clothes and baseball gloves and school projects and stuffed animals — our three beloved children had gotten to grow up with their two parents, together, under one roof?

My sense of grief over the picture I’d made in my head that night lasted only a few days. Gradually, it came to me that the story I’d allowed myself to fall in love with — of the characters who might have resolved their problems — was a work of fiction. The real characters who had in part inspired it — my children’s father and I — could never have lived out our lives happily and lovingly together. We were too different. It wasn’t even about a shortage of romantic kisses like the one I used to study on my postcard. That’s the Hollywood version of what keeps a couple together. As hollow as that phrase may be — irreconcilable differences — it applied to us.

I do wonder "What If," to both of these musings, and yet . . . 

Hello There -

Gosh, it's been awhile since I've posted. Busy with Mom, family events, work, life. And I love it this way - mostly. 

Reintroducing myself seems like a good thing to do now, so here I go: 

Ronda Walker - born in Rigby, ID. Graduated from Rigby High School in the late '70's. My family moved to Orem, UT during this same time. I have 6 siblings - 3 brothers, 3 sisters, I'm the oldest. My father owned restaurants in Idaho and managed several in Utah after moving here. 

I married 2 weeks before I turned 19 (my other options were college - nursing, teaching . . . well, that's it, so I married). We lived in Orem, then Brigham City, then Alabama, then back to Utah, where I've lived for the past 26 years, and where I tell some people, I've been trying to leave for the past 26 years. 

I have 2 amazing children, who are the loves of my life. 

18 years ago I graduated with my MA in Folklore from Utah State University. I began college at 31 in AL, finished at 44 in Utah, with an AA from UVU and my BA from BYU. 

Shortly after I graduated from USU (goal 1), I went to Crisfield, MD to do research with the Folklife Field School from the Library of Congress (goal 2 - fall in love with a community doing research). I fell in love with myself, learned about myself, and 3 short weeks later came home, asked for a divorce (after 25 years of marriage), and moved forward (subconsciously goal 3). 

My kids and I moved into my parents home in Orem, and about 4 months later I married Scott Weaver (my rules were - never marry again, marry someone who wasn't from Utah, had life experience, and no children at home - met 2 of those), whose parents had lived across the street from my folks all these years. We've been married 17 years. Scott has 4 children. 

Together we have 20 stunning grandchildren. We love each other's children, and for the most part, they love us. Put these kids and their spouses together in a room, and there's no telling whose is whose. 

I've been involved in the communities I've lived in, particularly as one of the founders of Timpanogos Singer Songwriter Alliance (TSSA) and as Orem City's first Arts Council Director. 

I've had several jobs/careers, meeting amazing people along the way. Yet the 2 which have been my passion are teaching and chaplaining. 

I taught folklore and writing at UVU (an amazing blessing) for almost 20 years, as an adjunct professor. 

I say "almost" because in the fall of 2012 I found a lump in my left breast. I had surgery, chemo, radiation, and then spent 2 years figuring out who I was. That's the genesis for this blog (a former student decided I needed a "handle" and named me "Folklady." Hence the name of this blog. 

In the fall of 2008, during counseling, my therapist asked me what I wanted to do with my life. I told her, "I've always wanted to be a chaplain." 2 weeks later I was in a healthcare chaplain program. 

For several years I taught and chaplain'ed, and then 6 years ago I had the privilege of going full-time, as a Palliative Care chaplain working at Utah Valley Hospital. I absolutely love what I do - working with cancer patients as well as people whose lives are nearing the end or those who have difficult and life-altering diseases. 

I also have a counseling business, where I counsel folks in "transitions" whether health, marriage, religion, region, and these days, post-pandemic stress. 

When I'm not working my butt off, I enjoy exercising, reading, traveling (so excited to use my passport again next month), sewing, cooking, gardening (just re-landscaped this spring), good live music, spending time with our children, and writing - even more now than when I was teaching. I also love deep conversations - talking philosophy, rhetoric, thoughts, not people. 

I'm an introvert, a deep thinker; I'm tough skinned yet hate conflict, and I have little tolerance for overly-emotional or overly-sensitive folks. I'm a "take me as I am" person. 

So there's the short and sweet of me; my blog has been my journal of these past 8.5 years. You can read all my ramblings and some writings from others that touch my heart. 

Swooning - Brandon and Bruce -

 Do you have a "Swoon"? Someone who is likely unreachable,  you love from afar, makes your heart flutter, your knees weak? That's my question these past few days, and the answers have been fun - 

Julia Roberts

That one guy, you know, I don't remember his name, but he . . . 

Hugh Jackman                    Anne Hathaway

Thor                                    Angelina Jolie

Gal Gadot                           Pierce Brosnan

Charlotte Johanson            Savion Glover

Brad Pitt in his 20s            Liam Neeson

Idris Elba                          Channing Tatum

Emily Blunt                       Matt Bomer

Naomi Watt                       Carl Malone

Ewan McGregor               Harrison Ford

Emma Thompson              Hugh Grant

Hugh Grant                       Theo James

Mine are two beautiful men from two parts of the world, two generations apart, who came together this past month to make a heart-racing music video: 

Sex and Waffles and Pancakes -

Sex, for a woman at any age, can be very difficult - I'm talking turning off the world and turning on. And that is often not easy - RESPONSIBILITY is the big demon for most women. It's not lack of drive, lack of appeal, lack of desire, but too much responsibility, and no way to turn that off. 

One of my favorite therapists shared a story the other day - 

We seem to have more difficulty (in general) than men do when trying to focus on just. one. thing. 

That is why I believe women are like pancakes and men are like waffles.  When you pour syrup on your pancakes, it flows all over the top, down the sides and onto your plate (and sometimes onto the table).  However, when you pour syrup on a waffle, with a just a small bit of effort you can control which square gets the sticky stuff and which does not.  You can fill them all in, make patterns, go every other one. Whatever you like.
 
The syrup represents every aspect of your life.  Work, relationships, kids, chores, responsibilities…the stuff that fills your brain.  Men (in general) have an easier time compartmentalizing the aspects of their life. They are the waffles.  When they are working, they think about work. When they are golfing, they think about golf. And when they are having sex, they think about sex.  This is a great skill to have for many aspects of life and can aid in better focus at work or in complicated projects.
 
Women (in general) are more like pancakes.  Each aspect of our life is interrelated in our mind.  We can think about workchildrenrelationshipschoresmoneyandfood…all at once.  Or at the very least all in one 60 second period of time. The syrup goes everywhere, and it is difficult to control, even with a significant effort.
 
Now, this is not always a negative trait.  It takes a ton of brain space to think about all the little things that must be remembered throughout the day, especially with kids. So, the “juggle” works well for us at times. The difficult part is learning how to turn off the flow of all that sticky syrup.
 
For all of us pancakers out there, a simple place to start is by practicing mindful focus.  Some people try mediation for a couple minutes a day as way to train the brain to turn it all off.  Whatever you do, rehearse applying yourself to one thing at a time, especially at those moments when you really need to…like when he is doing that thing and you are supposed to be focused on the pleasure of the moment.

Makes great sense - now how to practice being a pancake? For starters, I'm off for a weekend with my love, gonna see what we can do about makin' breakfast.

I Believe -

 Talking about core beliefs with friends and clients lately. Mine are, and have been since I was a teen (at least that's when I recognized them): 

Be fair

Be true

Do no harm

Three phrases that resonate with these are: 

That which we persist in doing becomes easier to do, not that the nature of the thing has changed, but our ability to do has increased. (Emerson)

If good is white and black is bad, then all my friends are grey or plaid. (Grandma Jensen)

Sometimes we're so busy existing that we forget to live. (13th Ward RS)

Yours? 

Meals Services Rated and Reviewed - Hello Fresh, Sunbasket, EveryPlate, etc. -

 Mid-February I decided I was in a meal slump. My sister had tried the meal service, Hello Fresh, and she sent me a discount code to try this out. I remembered seeing discounts on Groupon, so I purchased a few other meal services coupons, deciding that this may be my way out of my lack of desire to come up with dinner ideas. 

So I began Hello Fresh mid February. It was delightful. What a great break! There is a huge selection of meals - meat, chicken, veggie. They were good, and decent priced. All meals were packed separately, with menu cards included. They used lots of sour cream and cream cheese, which didn't make them super low-cal. However, the 2 person option ended up being enough for leftovers for Scott the next day. The downfall, really, is I keep getting emails for "deals" from them, but only for a new subscriber. I know I can unsubscribe, I keep hoping though . . . 

The following week, I used Sunbasket. This began the week Scott fell out of a tree, pruning my daughter's orchard, ruining his right shoulder, having surgery, and just now, 12 weeks later, getting strength and motion back. Sunbasket was a god-send! Super expensive, good-sized servings, great containers, good recipe details, and each meal packed separately. These were easy to fix, the chicken was tender, and veggies were fresh. I would choose them over all I tried, if the price was right. 

Next came Every Plate. They are owned by Hello Fresh. Good sized meals, excellent price, although options are limited. The drawback was that all meals were packaged together in one box. I had to separate. No biggie, just a little more time. And I'll probably use them again. However, I do hate getting "come back" emails, with no real enticing deal. 

Home Chef was similar. Sadly, I had a few things either missing or replaced with a different item. I was getting tired of broccoli! When I ordered a meal with green beans, and broccoli arrived in its place, I frowned. Customer service was great (I didn't call to complain, just to change weeks, and they were very good). 

Blue Apron came next. Beautifully marketed, great packaging, yet again, nothing spectacular. Cancelling my one-week run with them was not easy, online, but their customer rep was great. 

Next I tried Gobble. They were expensive, and I wasn't terribly impressed. The options were limited. The meals were divided, but I still had to unload and semi-separate. And the meals came a day later than ordered. 

Next was Green Chef. Expensive as well. And, by now, after several weeks doing this, tasted about the same as Gobble. All meals were packed in one box, that I unloaded and separated. 

I tried Dinnerly last. I purchased 3 weeks of their meals for a discounted price. I canceled the first week because we went out of town, yet I received an email saying it was arriving. I called customer service, they apologized, told me I could keep the meal. Since I was out of town, I gave it to my niece, next door, who had just had a baby. I then received 3 weeks of Dinnerly, with my last 2 meals being this week. By now, I'm begging for summer foods, and although their broccoli and carrots were fresh, I'm not eating broccoli any time soon, and I'm tired of the 3 ways to cook chicken (that all plans use). Their meals come packed together, yet veggies are in their separate meal containers. I had to print or reference the recipes online rather than being included in the box, like all other services. 

So - 

Sunbasket was my favorite, although 2nd most expensive next to Blue Apron. All, without discount codes, are pricey. When we go out to eat semi-fast food, we plan on spending less than $25, for two, including drinks. Each of these plans, for two, ended up being about $18 per meal. That's not enticing enough for me to continue any of them. 

We did end up eating out a lot less than we would have, just because there was food I had to cook! 

We ate less, just because the meals were limited in size, yet I did miss left-overs for the next evening's meal. 

I spent less on groceries. Usually I spend about $65 dollars a week, and now buying only a few veggies, some staples, and fruit for breakfasts, spent about $65 for two weeks. Not going to the grocery store was a huge benefit.

I didn't have to think about what to cook for meals, and I didn't have to do a lot of prep. This was a valuable time-saver. 

The best meal plan, for me, quality, time, money, was Every Plate. I'll probably purchase the plan, at $5 per plate, again. 

Mostly though, this was an amazing experience, just because of Scott's inability to help me with anything besides sautéing. For the first two months he couldn't drive, which meant grocery shopping was up to me, and yet, without having to meal plan, it was so simple. Scott is also my chopper, helping me prep on Sundays, for the entire week. Again, no prep with these meal plans. 

My biggest piece of advice - purchase these plans on Groupon - I didn't pay more than $30 dollars a week for these meals, or reach out to me, and I'll give you a referral, which could mean a week's worth of meals free. Hurray!