“Some of us think that holding on
makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go.”
~Hermann Hesse
She knew it sooner than I did. And
more intensely than I did.
I, on the other hand, may have
considered our differences but never thought of them as deal-breakers. I
tried to justify the many struggles we had between us and believed that our
marriage could work despite the challenges.
I had this feeling things would get
better and stayed hopeful no matter how bad our relationship got.
I told myself that her extraverted
personality and my more introversion could work together. And that her more
social and outgoing nature and my more private and homebound inclinations
were just minor differences.
I believed it was both of us trying
to settle into our professional careers that led to our conflicts. Or
maybe, it was moving away from California so she could complete her professional
training that put pressure on our relationship. Or it was because we didn’t
have a support system that we weren’t getting along.
In retrospect, if I'm being
completely objective, I can see there were problems.
There were fights and disagreements
that would have landed us on a reality TV show.
There were days of not talking and
threats of leaving regularly.
There were instances where we
ignored each other’s feelings and preferences in our life goals. There was
a lack of understanding and compassion for each other.
Yet, we stayed together for years,
and even after our separation, I still didn’t want this relationship to
end.
Even after our divorce, I was
hopeful.
Was this the optimist in me?
Was I being delusional?
Are you too wondering why you’re
stuck in a relationship that isn’t working and bad for your spirit?
You may feel the dysfunction on a
daily basis and feel frustrated with the constant fights and disagreements.
Are you wondering why you’re having
trouble letting go when the person you’re with isn’t the right person for
you? Are you wondering why you’re stuck in dysfunctional and unhealthy
relationship? And even worse, not doing anything about it?
Here are top seven reasons we stay
in bad relationships.
1. We have grown accustomed to people who treat us badly.
Those of us who grew up in abusive
or hurtful households feel used to complicated love.
We begin to believe that people who
hurt us are the ones who truly love us.
We have learned that it’s okay to
be treated poorly, to not have boundaries, and to feel hurt by other
people’s behavior.
Others have taught us that it’s
acceptable to accept abuse and dysfunction. We not only can tolerate it but
have to come to view this is as normal.
2. We prefer bad relationships over the unknown.
This is the biggest reason most of
us stay in dysfunctional, hurtful relationships.
We may despise the person and the
relationship, but we hate uncertainty and change more.
Our brains are simply not wired for
changed circumstances.
We would suffer any amount of pain
to avoid dealing with the unknown in the future.
3. We prefer a bad relationship over being alone.
We can’t stand being alone.
We can’t imagine a life by
ourselves.
We see ourselves with cats, other
lonely people, and silent walks in the park.
We hear silence, see no one, and
feel like disappearing from earth altogether.
The alternative we imagine of being
without someone feels hopeless and scary.
4. We don’t value ourselves.
We have a low sense of self-worth
and don’t believe in ourselves.
When we find people who tear us
down and bring us down, we take comfort in their behavior because it
confirms our beliefs about ourselves.
We are open to people treating us
badly because we are used to treating ourselves badly by talking down to
ourselves, criticizing ourselves, and hurting ourselves.
We don’t believe we are worth the
time and attention of someone kinder and more compassionate toward us. We
may even fear being treated well because we don’t trust that we deserve it
or that it will last.
5. We feel rejected, dejected, inspected, and tossed to the
sharks.
Ending a relationship, no matter
how good or bad it was, makes us feel unwanted.
It hits at our self-esteem and
self-worth.
It makes us feel unwanted and
unworthy.
Many of us felt unwanted or
abandoned in our childhood, and ending a relationship in adulthood brings
all our old feelings to the surface.
We’d rather stay with someone than
fall into a sinkhole of unworthiness, never knowing if we can pick up your
self-esteem again.
6. We feel out of place and out of sorts.
We don’t know what our place or
role in the world is anymore.
We are no longer the husband, wife,
partner of so and so.
We lose half of our family and
friends, our ex’s family and friends.
We don’t know what to say to people
at dinner parties, work, or any other social situation.
Our society tends to put an
emphasis on couples, so without a partnership we become lost and on the
outside of everyday life.
We become talked about, and our
relationship status seems to be at the center of attention.
7. We don’t believe you there’s anyone else out there for us.
A big part of why we’d rather stay
together is that we doubt we could ever find someone nearly as compatible
again.
How do we know we can date again?
How do we know someone else will find us attractive again? How do we know
if love will strike again in the future?
Instead of uncertainty of a day
that may never come and a love that may never bloom, we choose to stay with
the person we’ve already found.
—
Instead of hanging on to a
relationship that is bad for your heart and soul, consider the possibility
of moving on, grieving, and letting go of this relationship that isn’t
working.
Trust your gut, know that this
relationship isn’t right, and act on your inner knowing.
Look at the relationship
objectively, as I wish I did sooner, and make the decision to walk away
before things get any worse. As much as you would like it to get better, if
neither of you are working on the relationship, or if you’re just not right
for each other, it will not improve.
Know that brighter days are ahead
if you release this person and the unhealthy relationship from your life.
You can get through this breakup, as you’ve likely done many times in your
life, and can move on from this relationship.
Brighter days mean being alone
sometimes; it means finding peace; it means getting to know yourself and
eventually finding yourself in a healthy and fulfilling relationship.
So many people have gone through
heartbreak, have lost that one special person, and have gone on to find the
right one.
Uncertainty after ending a bad
relationship is uncomfortable but better than the comfort of dysfunction.
Letting go and ending this
relationship is risky, but with great risk come life’s greatest rewards.
One day of peace and comfort by
yourself is worth a thousand days being in a relationship that is
suffocating and dysfunctional.
Instead of showering love on
someone who can’t reciprocate, consider giving yourself that love.
Open your heart to yourself, speak
gently to yourself, do nice things for yourself, make your life comfortable
and relaxed.
Cultivate an inner sanctuary of
silence, compassion, peace, and acceptance of yourself, perhaps through
yoga, meditation, or spending time in nature, or by seeing a therapist to
work through the core wounds from your childhood.
Work on spiritual practices that
help you accept yourself for who you are and be comfortable in your own
body without needing to be with someone. This could include breath work,
affirmations, journaling, or even some form or art.
Finally, remember, your ex has
helped you grow and lead you to the place you are today, but it’s not
healthy to keep them in your journey to the end.
Letting go of your ex allows you to
pick up the journey on your own for a bit so you can grow stronger and be
better prepared for healthy, happy relationships in the future.
After your own solo travels, you
can find another love that will help you grow as a person and further reach
your potential as a human being. Or will allow you to discover who you are
so you can live an honest and authentic life, which will lead you to rich
experiences, spiritual growth, and deeper friendships.
Losing this unhealthy relationship
doesn’t mean your world has ended and there will never be someone out there
again for you.
Ending this relationship will open
the realm of possibilities for authentic relationships, healthy love, and
true happiness.
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