Eleanor and Mom -

One of my summer desires was to make peace with my mom, who died the end of June, 2022. Toward the end of July I was sitting on the deck in our back yard, meditating on mom, and out of nowhere I saw the font of a manual typewriter go click click click across my mind spelling out "E l e a n o r  N o b l e." I don't know anyone named Eleanor, and I wondered why Mom wanted me to have this name. 

I had a free day, and I figured I'd use my time pondering who Eleanor is and what the connection was, yet Mom said to me, "Make cookies, Cowboy Chocolate Chip cookies." I haven't made cookies in probably ten years, and yet Mom wanted action rather than contemplation, and so I made cookies and shared them with several neighbors, just as she would have. 

Over the next couple of weeks I searched the FamilySearch database for an Eleanor in our family tree, none. I did a generic FamilySearch search to no avail. I researched online for this name, found a darling picture of two young girls in cotton dresses with braids, and felt a warmth, like I was on the right path, but could only find a tribute to a father who had been in the service with a short story accompanying this. 

My 3 sisters and I have been planning a trip to Sweden and Denmark, our mother-land, mid-August, and so I wondered if there may be a connection there. I searched Eleanor Noble and Sweden and BAM! There she was - kind of. I found an obituary listing a son in Gothenberg, Sweden. 

As I read Eleanor's obituary I saw very little in common with my mother; Eleanor grew up on the East Coast, is Catholic, had a nursing profession. However, in looking at the photo chosen for Eleanor's obituary, she looks just like the woman my mom would be friends with. And that picture of two young girls in cotton dresses? It accompanied the obituary. Even as I'm typing this month's later, I have goose-bumps and tingles, knowing she is Mom's Eleanor. 

After finding the obituary and Eleanor, I asked Mom, "What do you want me to do, know, about Eleanor?" And her answer was a very Alice Ann Jensen Walker answer. "I wanted you to know I have a friend! And she has a son in Gothenberg, isn't that lovely?" Mom and Eleanor, somewhere in the heavens, met each other and became friends. And were my sisters and I supposed to track down this son and meet him? "No, I just wanted you to know." Again, a Mom answer.

That's it; Mom wanted us to know she had a friend, they were happy, she has a son in Sweden (Mom loved making connections). 

I shared this story with my sisters while in the airport waiting to catch our flight. They likewise thought it was definitely a Mom experience. While on our absolutely amazing, beyond words, fantastic two week trip, my sisters and I occasionally felt Mom and perhaps, Eleanor, but no more promptings, no more visits. She just needed to share. Sweetly Mom. Eleanor, today, I'm grateful you two found each other and have a friendship, I look forward to meeting you. 

Since then, until this morning when I felt prompted to write this story down, I've felt peace with my mom, an awareness that she is happy, she is safe, she has friends, especially Eleanor. And thank you both for the Thanksgiving morning warmth.

(A caveat - while in Denmark, my sister wanted to attend The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints temple in Copenhagen, and do a session for a family name [her husband's family], and the name that she brought with her, yet hadn't paid much attention to prior to the designated day, was Eleanor. No connection except the name, just a tingle of recognition of Mom and her friend.)

Mental Illness - World Mental Health Day -

 I shop Natural Life when I need color and something boho. Which is often. I like the vitality and vibrancy that comes with all they sell, including their cute tool boxes. 

As well as selling wanna-be hippi clothes, they post a daily thought through their Daily Chirp email list and on social media. They are as life-affirming as their clothing. 

Life Mottos - Enough Already!

Been thinking about this phrase, "We Rise by Lifting Others," often attributed to Amanda Gorman, yet originated with Robert Ingersoll. 

Call it Karma, good intentions, manipulation, golden rule, it is something I believe in and have attempted to practice all of my life. 

This has been my motto for the last several years of me life, besides the statement, "We're all just walking each other home." This has been essential as I've worked with those living, dying, and trying to live, in the hospital. It's not my story - it's my patient's and client's, and I have given my very best to hold hands with my clients and listen to them as they've walked their paths while in the hospital and beyond. 

Perhaps my most powerful set of rules to live by is a series of three statements I created way back when I was in my teens - "Be Fair, Be True, Do No Harm." These have guided everything, and I mean everything, I've done in my life. Maybe the most poignant and powerful example of this is when I divorced twenty years ago. While I wanted out of my marriage, I really truly did not want to hurt my ex or my children. Of course, we all had wounds, but these were not given intentionally, and I have worked so hard to live my life doing no harm and carrying no harm. 

I've always felt a thrill of adventure and, "I Dwell in Possiblity" by Emily Dickenson has given me the push/guilt to always reach for more, be excited for the next . . . . I'm tired! 

However - always the caveat - these past four years have been so very very hard. And while I've lifted others, journeyed with others, and been fair, true, and not hurtful, I've realized I have hurt myself. All the emotions of hurt, rejection, fear, anger, anxiousness, betrayal, frustration, and more I have either pushed aside or swallowed. I've worked through many situations that have caused these emotions, but I haven't been very good about giving myself the grace necessary to heal. 

I have spent most of my life making sure others felt valued and accepted, giving out, and yet struggling to reach in. For some reason I've felt like if I could do more, be more, have more (education, experience, property), I could prove to "whomever" that I was of value, that I did have worth, and then all the profound hurt I've felt would leave. 

This past weekend, while trying to get some of my ya'ya's out of me, I realized, again, I don't need anything more. I AM ENOUGH! I am good enough, good enough, good enough. I have reached my "Rest and Be Thankful" summit and now I can settle into the peace this journey can give me as I savor the beauty around me. 

My statue of Quan Yin sits on my night stand, relaxed, eyes gazing on the open lily she holds in her hand needs to be that reminder to relax, look at where I've been, what I've done, and relish this time of peace. 

I've written these thoughts so many times, they're on my mind constantly, yet my affirmation for the time-being is this - ENOUGH, enjoy what I have, enjoy where I'm at, and settle. 

Enough. 

Vigil of Remembrance - Blessing -

I was asked to give a blessing at tonight's Vigil of Remembrance, honoring those who died during the CoVid pandemic. I had a difficult time finding words to fit into the 5-7 minute time frame I was given. So I stopped at 3.5 minutes, and I feel pretty good about it. 

I recently retired as a chaplain for Intermountain Health, working during CoVid times at Utah Valley and Intermountain Medical Center, supporting caregivers, those dying (or surviving), and their families and friends. (These days I have a private counseling practice, often helping others journey through their own stories, their own illnesses, their own suffering.)

I’ve kept a blog for the past 12 years. On Jan 6, 2022, I wrote:

Over the past 2 years I have witnessed more than 100 hospital deaths.

And my role, really, when it's all said and done, is incidental. I don't administer medications, monitor oxygen levels, deliver feedings, change sheets. I stand quietly, always available, always out of the way - I like to think that I am the defender of their story, the one who is present, who sees the entire story unfold, and validates - the dead, the living, the caregivers, and the real events, not statistics. 

This evening I honor those stories, shared, and not, spoken, and held deep inside one’s heart. Stories of valor, honor, defeat, exhaustion, coming together, tearing apart, surviving, dying, hurting, carrying, remembering.

I bless those caregivers who woke up each morning not sure what they would be facing at work, and then walked with faith and love as they cared for those dying and their families. And then went home and cared for theirs. Blessed are the ones who bore witness and hold these stories close to their hearts.

I bless those families and friends who spent days and nights in the worst world ever – that of the unknown, anxiously pacing floors distances away from their dying loved ones, hopeful and fearful each time the phone rang with an update, and questioning their faith in doctors, medicine, Higher Power, and feeling helpless when being helpful was their go-to. Blessed are those who loved and lost and continue to love.

I bless those who passed away from CoVid without being able to have any last words, hugs, kisses, hand-holds. Blessed are they, for surely they did not die alone.

I bless those who boldly, timidly, bravely, exhaustingly, respectfully, cleaned bodies, buried other’s sons and daughters, husbands and wives, parents, and then went home and cared for the living among them.

I bless those of us who are still reeling from these memories; wounds can take years to heal, and CoVid fears are still all around us. May we be blessed to remember our people and find our place of belonging in this time of longing.  I bless their stories live on in all of us. I bless that we all may find light and love in the past, in the present, and as we move forward into the tomorrows we are blessed to have.

Receive this blessing. It’s for you. Then pray it for someone else.

The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make His face shine upon you,
and be gracious to you; the Lord lift up His countenance upon you, and give you peace. Amen

Numbers 6:24-26

 

Vigil of Remembrance - 9/09/24

You're invited - 

 

No more angles, only curves -

 I've had several chances to journey into my inner-consciousness this past year. Although I've uncovered so very much, I want to focus on that of my title - No More Angles, Only Curves. 

This picture has been one of my favorites since it first came out in the New Yorker in May, 2000 (I loved this so much I purchased 5 copies of the magazine, just to have this cover). So rich, and so sad. I wanted to be both! The earth-mother: voluptuous, nurturing, flowing, rich. I also wanted the business woman's life: refined, tight, precise, fitted. 

At the time, I saw the business woman looking at the mother with disdain and fear, as if she'd catch whatever she had if she moved any closer - "Ooh, keep those children away from me; I cannot have them getting graham crackers/dirty hands/snot/spit-up on this one-of-a-kind custom-tailored dress." I saw earth-mother looking slyly at the working woman with a sneaking suspicion that she had it better, had more, yet had a sinister secret, "Oh you poor soul, you know you want what I have, I dare you to touch one of my babies." 

I was going through boxes of years of files earlier this summer, when this print popped from the folder marked "Articles, 2000," and forced me to pause. Just days before I was decluttering, I was meditating when the thought came to me that I was out of my peaks and canyons, pinched, angled, sharp, cold, business'ed phase, and moving into my curves, rolling hills and voluptuous valleys, softer, cushier, flowing, let-it-be phase. 

This May 2024, Ronda saw the picture quite differently than the May 2000, Ronda did. Nurturing, to self and others, the ability to be in two places, live two lives, care for two very distinctly different lifestyles, while yearning for what the other has, knowing the time and season is not theirs. 

And with that - I realized I truly have had all the experiences, emotions, roles, encounters I dared to dream I could possibly have. In the early 90's I had a powerful nurturing amazingly talented woman once tell me, as a young mother trying to go to school, build a home, rear children, and save a floundering marriage while also being an active member of the community and church - "You can have it all, Ronda, you just can't have it all right now." I have, loving them equally. 

I'm very much looking forward - it's been a tough journey these past 15 years, and while I've given it my all, my very best, in fact - all of me; I'm finished the angles, sharps, pointed, pinching. I've had it with bureaucracy, corporate America, patriarchy, and stereotypes that have served a part of me well and yet closed another part of me right off (more of that later). I'm enjoying the curves, rolls, wanderings, creating my own windy path, choosing who I want to travel with and where I want to go - maybe even pushing a baby carriage (or hitting a golf ball) with a grandchild or ten.

Finding My Words - Again -

It's been a very long time since I've written. And it's not that I haven't had anything to say, but I've had no words with which to share my thoughts. 

Retirement, 3 weeks in England, home in the summer - the very best place in the world this time of year. 

My thoughts run rampant - in fact, I can't get my brain to stop, as much as I've tried. My thoughts vacillate between "be present, stay present," to "what's next, who's next, how am I going to get all of this done," to "breathe, in due time." 

My goals - finish psylocibin education, take grief and anxiety courses, grow my Wren House Counseling practice, have been in spurts and stops as I've made time for dates with grandchildren, morning walks with friends, dinners and swimming and visits with family, decluttering (mind and home), deck "davenport" conversations with Scott, a nap or two, trying to not feel guilty, and healing. Connecting, I guess, reconnecting. 

Healing - this has ultimately been my mantra: 

If you don't know what to pursue in life right now,

Pursue yourself. 

Pursue becoming the 
healthiest, happiest, most
healed, most present, most
confident version of yourself.

Then the right path will reveal itself. 

Even though I know what I want to do, "not now" has been my answer, and the realization that I really must take time to heal from the past thirty+ years of go go go, let it be, let it go, move forward, don't think about it, it will go away, stay quiet, be true, don't talk, speak up. Years of living under the dictates (and threats) of big business (and cancer) have left me weary to the bone, more exhausted than I could have possibly understood until walking away, stopping, reflecting, and then realizing the f*'ing impact of all of this - shame, blame, guilt, fear. Being able to breathe has even been difficult some days, and taking the time to process and heal has become my summer. And although I'll be awakening for some time, the journey, the process, is becoming a bit easier. 

Truthfully said, this has been my summer - and I'm good, and my words are returning. 

Loving Kindness -

 My favorite meditation, mantra, reassurance, peace-giver. 

 

Loving Kindness Meditation

 

May I be happy.

May I be healthy.

May I be safe.

May I live with ease.

 

May you be happy.

May you be healthy.

May you be safe.

May you live with ease.

Rest and Be Thankful -

Been away for awhile; Scott and I took a three week vacation to England and Scotland. And while I'm not quite ready to post a ton of pics, one of my desires was to return to the Rest and Be Thankful Pass outside of Glencoe, Scotland. 

We visited this place 5 years ago, and then again, just two days prior to coming home. 5 years to the month. 

Now to savor - 

Having it All - Retirement -

As a kid I fantasized about fame. As a younger adult, I fantasized about wealth. Now I fantasize about a life of ease. I want a life where my worth is not tied to my productivity. I get the rest my body needs, and I don't have to sacrifice time with loved ones to survive. (Michell C. Clark)

I was taught, "You can have it all, but you can't have it all at once." And so I've gathered experiences - rearing an amazing family, gaining an education, marriages, living outside of Utah, research, decorating homes, volunteering (and helping build several organizations), teaching at UVU, cancer, chaplaining at a treatment center for a short time, being a hospital chaplain, having my counseling practice, traveling; gathering is the best way I can explain what my many many years of life has been. And of course, with all of this has come so many opportunities to interact with so many amazingly diverse people (who would have thought that even this Utah County bubble is rich with diversity?). 

And I am very happy with what I have and what I sacrificed to get here. In fact - so happy that this past week I mentioned to a friend, "I think I have it all!" With an element of my own surprise as I said this. Although not one to look back, reviewing my "life inventory" has been important as I've turned 65, signed up for Medicare, checked at Social Security options, and put my hand and mind on "what's next."

I've always been very intentional in my actions, and I want to continue to do so. In fact, so deliberate, that even in choosing a retirement date I looked at seasons, benefits, paychecks, eligibility, and of course, plane tickets to the next adventure. 

Hence - retirement on May 3, retirement/anniversary/birthdays vacation beginning shortly after, coming home to new and next. 

As always and forever, "Looking Forward."  

I am beyond blessed - 

I hope 

when you come home to yourself

there are flowers lining the front porch

that were left from all the women

you were before. 

(author unknown)

The Next Chapter of My Life -

So close!!! 

https://www.instagram.com/p/C6GieHyO6Rc/

Something to think about - Defining Self -

For most of my life my value has been determined by whom I belong to and what I do. 

For instance: Tyler and Jenna's mom; Scott's wife, a daughter of Gods; a chaplain, a professor, a gardener. 

I'm a possession and I'm possessed. 

And yet - is that how I define myself? 

Culture and Doctrine and Beliefs -

Lots of scuttle going on the past few weeks regarding the mandates given by leaders of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. 

These mostly surround women and their callings and what they are allowed or not allowed to do in this arena. 

Interestingly, I was going through boxes of my memories at the same time as LDS General Conference was being held, and I found an article from 1989, that I'd saved (must have been profound for me at the time) that discussed something that was once again on the docket for conversation - some things never change, some voices never heard. 

Of particular interest these past few months has been the issue of the "stand" in the chapel where leaders who are presiding, and those who are speaking, sit. At one point, an LDS region in California invited women leaders to sit on the stand, along with the male leaders (who are typically the only ones sitting on the stand - because they preside). When this info went from region to district, to area, the regional and congregation leaders were asked to remove the women from sitting on the stand. This created quite an unquiet discourse about who has authority, who gives authority, and the benefits of women being seen. 

Along with this, an LDS women's organization leader, was quoted (after speaking at an LDS women's conference), and posted this quote on social media - She said, "There is no other religious organization in the world, that I know of, that has so broadly. . . . My dear sisters, you belong to a Church which offers all its women priesthood power and authority from God!" 

This definitely hit a sour note with thousands of women, with one stating, "This statement is laughable at best and thousands of women are being vocal about it, as they should be." 

I responded, "I'm not sure who chose this quote - I most definitely feel differently and find this rather condescending. I'm just not understanding why I have to be "given power and authority." However, I love the painting and the sisterhood portrayed; I feel this, but not within my religious organization.." 

Another, "President Nelson, you plead, 'Sisters, we need your voices,' and yet have you heard our voices? It will not work to simply tell us this anymore. It's disrespectful and belittling. It's misleading and harmful. We need actions, not words." 

More than 10,000 comments in similar and harsher strains, with only a handful validating the statement. (https://www.instagram.com/p/C4oZ-otMOVL/?img_index=1)

And with this, along with doctrine regarding LGBTQ families and celestial families and room for everyone, yet requiring BYU students to read a talk given by Jeffrey Holland in 2021 stating that "the doctrine of the family and defending marriage as the union of a man and a woman. . . . We have to be careful that love and empathy do not get interpreted as condoning and advocacy." Many queer students, and straight, see this having significant implications, suggesting they don't belong at BYU and this may be an unsafe environment for them. (This is called the Musket Fire speech.) 

I look my child in the face

And tell them with my eyes

I love you

Every part of you.

And if musket fire 

Is ever pointed toward you

It will have to go

Through my body

First. (@unpackingmormonism)

There's also been talk about Mormon women and the wearing of garments that do not fit, cause physical problems, are uncomfortable, and are not practical in many cultures. 

With all this said, there was a glimmer of hope that some changes would be made and/or announced at General Conference the first weekend in April. 

Well - there were 5 session, approximately 7 speakers per session, 2 prayers per session. Out of this, two women prayed, three women spoke, all of the rest were male. 

The wearing of garments was discussed twice, once by the woman I mention above, once by Elder Oaks. Neither addressed to men, but to women and the temple covenants made. 

As for women on the stand - nothing. And for my LGBTQ friends - always, there's a seat at our table for you, and yet marriage is between a man and a woman and families are forever. I do not know a single parent who would leave their child sitting at a table by themselves; I heard one mother state, "I'll go to hell with you." (See David Archuleta's newest song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bAysF5mJjM0) 

Lots more temples were announced - I do not get this, and an official statement came out yesterday regarding the wearing of garments. More grinding in on the old law rather than listening and making changes.  Statements regarding garments lead to policing by do-gooders, shaming, blaming, and guilting. 

"The more an institution tries to control how you wear your underwear the more you should question why they feel the need to control you so much in the first place." 

In our home we have a framed saying on our wall: "Seek to understand before being understood." We make this a conscious habit - what am I missing, what am I implying, what more is there to know, what questions can I ask, listen, listen, listen. 

I understand culture, I have studied, taught, written about, and experienced differences for my entire adult life (with that being encouraged even as a child). 

If a culture does not adapt and adopt, evolve over time, it will die. Squeezing tightly to the old, particularly older patriarchal men and women, when not bringing in youthful fresh voices, and listening to them, will only make the old-guard seem more irrelevant. Giving young adults and newly graduated high schoolers responsibilities without explanations, will ensnare, but will not educate, rather commit and shame and guilt into staying. Holding on, tighter and tighter will kill (rather like Lennie in Grapes of Wrath, choking his pet mouse because he loved him so much). 

Give us some air, give us room to grow, room to explore, room to express our thoughts, room to be heard, validated, and implemented, room to receive personal revelation - like the Church has taught for years, trust us to make wise choices, let us practice integrity rather than sneakiness. 

My peace did not come peacefully. 

I had to excuse chaos from the table

Before I could sit with peace. (Unknown)

Otherwise, death is imminent. 

Ted Lasso and Throwing Darts -

 Just watched the Apple TV Series Ted Lasso for a second time. It's amazing all the goodies that can be found in this series. 

Below is one of my most favorite scenes with one of the many lessons Lasso teaches. 

Be curious my friends, be curious. 

Hurting and Holding Space -

 There's physical pain - and I've had my share particularly this past 12 years - yet you go to the doctor, surgeon, chiropractor, massage therapist, acupuncturist, rest, meds, etc., and most likely that physical pain will heal, or at the least, bearable. I'm still dealing with the repercussions of cancer treatment and accidents exacerbated because of cancer; one more surgery to go, and hopefully I'm finished. 

There's also physical pain brought on my trauma - physical or emotional, and yesterday at the dentist, he told me my jaw clenching was speeding up the corrosion of my molars, and I would need crowns or bridges. As well, sleep and I haven't been acquaintances for years, and typically my sleep only happens with a pocket-full of well planned and well staged sleeping meds. I get a routine down, sleep well with that, things change, begin again. 

I know where this trauma comes from; I've been here for years, marking the years, months, weeks, until I can be free of some of it and truly heal my physical, brought on by emotional, pain. 

And then there's moral or emotional or spiritual pain. And I think I'm healed and moving forward, until something is said, posted, shared, and the pain comes leaping forward, from the other room where I set it down. And when that door is opened, all sorts of pain leaps out and comes to visit me. 

For the most part I address it, acknowledge it, examine it, breathe through it, then excuse it. And that works; it's what I preach, it's what I practice. I've certainly sat with all of this - whether that's in the operating room, on a journey, with a therapist, or in prayer and contemplation. 

And yet - 

I'm sorely afraid that twenty years of moral, emotional, and spiritual pain is waiting at the closet door, for me to open, and it's a door I must open in order to rid them from my house, rather than move them to another shelf. 

And how do I do this?  NT, Luke 4:23, states, "Physician, heal thyself." Can I expect my clients to listen to me, if I have not taken care of what ails me? Yet I think I have, until I realize I haven't. 

I've worked through so much the past two decades, and I'm proud and pleased at what I have removed from my closet; yet like clothes that no longer fit, but sit in the closet, waiting, wondering, looming, always there, it's time to open the door, sort, and move them out forever. 

Perhaps these past decades of keeping trauma in the closet has been my way of holding space for myself, knowing the time will come, letting go of judging myself, and moving forward with love - for myself, my trauma, my others. 

Tarot Cards and Eyes on the Prize -

I pull out my tarot cards upon occasion. Just like someone would read their horoscope, a positive daily thought, or their scripture of the day to motivate them through the day, tarot cards do similar - pull one, two, three, five, depending on your desire. 

I have animals and woodland plants, the housewife's recipe deck, goddesses, and sacred journey cards. Depending on how I'm feeling about our session, I will choose a deck, upon the client's request. Never without consent. 

My clients like the cards; they receive some direction, a little validation, and some clarification as they move forward. 

We typically pull for relationships, being stuck and moving forward, as well as looking at the past, present, and future - short and long-term. 

I pulled an interesting series of cards in Sedona, AZ last May. Laying on the table at a crystals store was a deck of Sedona sites cards. I pulled a card for recent past, real-time present, and moving forward. I asked for validation of my path. 

I don't remember the pictures on the first or second card, just that they validated where I'd been and where I was, at that moment. However - the last card really threw me - it was a clear white space, nothing more. And what it said to me was - forge your path moving forward, the world is yours, do with it as you'd like. 

I have definitely done this over the past year, with my Wren House practice as well as the journeys I've traveled. Having that blank card gave me permission to create my own story. 

This past week I pulled cards as well. These came from my Sacred Journey deck. I pulled these for my career paths - have I been where I was supposed to be, am I doing what I need to be doing, and is my forward where I'm supposed to be going. 

I'm feeling pretty good about the message I received. 

Thank you, Robbin for introducing me and gifting me my first deck of cards.

Anniversary -

 Twenty years! 

Thumbs -

 So this happened 2 1/2 weeks ago. After more than 2 years of attempting to cure a terribly arthritic thumb, without surgery, I had surgery on my left thumb on 1/22/24. 

Feeling better already, particularly knowing the pain I have now is moving forward pain! 

Biggest issues with no thumb - typing, blowing my nose, washing my hair. And yet - 

Never a Dull Moment -

 Let's begin this blog with a magic-filled mid-January run-down: 

Jan. 14 - Church with Knudsen Family, Pizza party at our home with Knudsen's, Holm's, and Birkeland's. Ended with a couple of great games, some sardine eating, and the cutest boy puking. 

Jan. 15 - MLK Day, worked, so many hospital patients, then WrenHouse clients at home. 

Jan. 16 - Work, WrenHouse clients, MM webinar. 

Jan. 17 - Work, WrenHouse clients. Pack for SLC

Jan. 18 - First meal together, although quick, then to Tyli's Drill Team competition. So precise, so magical. 

Jan. 19 - Long awaited weekend in SLC. Looking forward to all activities and time alone, together. 

Psychedelics in the Beehive, featuring Paul Stamets. Attended with a couple of friends, and made a few new friends. 

Jan. 20 - Good night's rest, time for a little shopping - fabric, flour, food, and great conversation with my honey. Came back to the motel and watched a BB game. Early to bed, looking forward to a nice breakfast and The Six! 

Jan. 21 - Scott is sick - food poisoning, 24 hour flu - but he woke up with a stomach bug of some kind. Attempted to rest, hustled to find someone to take our Eccles Theatre The Six tickets (purchased nearly 4 months ago, and so wanting to see) - shared with a friend. Packed the car, headed home with a stop at the grocery store. Scott went to bed, slept 12 hours, then most of the night. I made soup, muffins, cleaned the house, in preparation for tomorrow's surgery. And looked for the magic in the opportunity of coming home earlier than expected. 

Jan. 22 - Thankfully  Scott was feeling  well enough to drive me to the hospital for surgery. Surgery?  Yes, for the past 4 years the pain in my left hand has gotten increasingly worse. It was exacerbated with a fall where I grabbed onto a bar to catch myself, and the past year it has become unbearable. My left hand is my dominant hand (except eating and writing), and my thumb is worn out from years of creating and working. So from cortisone injections to PRP, braces, more cortisone, therapy, it was time for surgery (although I swore of surgeries after my elbow rebuilding). Thumb joint replaced (creatively) by a hand surgeon, and I was home to rest off anesthesia by 1pm. 

Jan. 23 - Scott and I stayed in recovery mode through Tuesday, happily eating soup, muffins, and resting, as well as attending an online retirement workshop (three months!). 

Jan. 24 - Washed hair in kitchen sink, dried and straightened with minimal help from Scott, yet showering is a fiasco - can't do it myself, and we have no tub. Back to work and WrenHouse clients as well. Fun to watch reactions to "thumb surgery." I must say, the pain is nasty, yet I know this pain is beneficial - aargh. 

Jan. 25 - Work and work! Busy day - 11 hours, then leftover soup for dinner. Good news is that I'm sleeping pretty well. My pain was the worst at night, and often kept me awake. This pain seems to subside at night, for which I'm incredibly grateful. 

Jan. 26 - Today! Learning how to manipulate my two fingers on my left hand to be pinchers and holders. Oh, and the blow-dryer between my knees as I dry my hair! Grand-daughter's cheer competition that I've missed, patient visits instead, checking in on my WrenHouse clients, and going to attempt to have a normal evening (that means dinner before 7pm, perhaps a Friday evening movie).

Jan 27-31 - Julie's Birthday tomorrow, Dentist and work and WrenHouse on Monday, my birthday on Tuesday, and the month is over!!! 

Life is good, experiences, planned and bonuses, are the theme of our lives, and yet - there is magic everywhere. From some phenomenal experiences with clients, to networking and making new friends, to enhancing friendships and strengthening family, to waiting and watching, and laughing out of absurdity and joy, as magic continues to unfold. Being curious is so much better than being fearful or indifferent, makes my life so rich. 

Welcome 2024 - New Year's Resolutions -

2024 - away we go - 

I've been saving thoughts that might make it into my "Resolutions" handbook, and while they are all inspirational, I think I'll be working on - 

1. Staying focused at work for 4 more months

2. Exercise 5x a week

3. Being intentional in all I do.

However - these thoughts will remain a part of my journey - 

We're all just walking each other home. 

Sometimes we are just the collateral damage in someone else's war against themselves. (Lauren Eden)

It's OK to lose your shit sometimes, because if you keep the shit, you end up full of shit. Then you explode and there'll be shit everywhere. It'll be a shit storm, and nobody wants that. 

Daughter, spend your life Loving. Not seeking Love. Ocean need not seek water. (Dr. Jaiya John)

Love is everywhere; Enough for everyone. If we but offer and receive. 

Seriously considering filling my pockets with glitter so when someone near me says something really stupid or rude, I'll just reach into my pocket, with a dead expression, and release the glitter into the sky above their head and watch it shower over them like a baptism of common sense. 

Yet just in case I need reassurance that I'm on the right track - 

For the introvert in me, motivation as I prepare for retirement the first part of May: 

I don't want a career, I want to wear a fancy robe covered in stars and dispense confusing and ambiguous advice to passing travelers from a large stone cottage on the edge of the woods where I live with a parliament of owls.