Oct. 11 Cancer Hats -

Remember these pictures and these?  

This note from the woman who made several of my hats: 

Hi! I don't know if you remember me, but I made some of your hats! I hope it's alright that I've used your beautiful picture on my listing for my cancer beanie. (I gave Nick Stone credit for his wonderful photo.)

You were such an inspiration to me, and I will be donating $5 to the National Breast Cancer Foundation every time someone purchases one of those hats. Thank you for being so awesome! Here is a link to the listing: https://www.etsy.com/listing/111039488/breast-cancer-beanie-five-dollar?ref=shop_home_active.   Much love ~ Sarah

From Sarah's Etsy Page: 

 

This cute crochet flapper hat is sure to keep you warm while still looking stylish! This beautiful and flattering hat is a wonderful choice for chemotherapy patients as it is made from super soft, acrylic yarn - never scratchy! This hat comes in your choice of four great pink colors, and also black and grey!

*** I will make a $5 donation for every Breast Cancer Beanie sold in one of these four pink colors, black, and heather grey, to the National Breast Cancer Foundation, to provide early detection services and for Breast Cancer Research. Pink is the nationally recognized color in the fight against breast cancer. Support the cause and those you love!***

The first picture here is of Ronda...a very courageous cancer patient I had the pleasure of working with! Isn't she gorgeous? The other hat shown above is strawberry with a pale pink colored button. (Note: button may vary from the one shown in pictures.)

***PLEASE REMEMBER TO STATE WHICH COLOR(S) YOU WOULD LIKE IN THE MESSAGE TO SELLER SECTION AT CHECKOUT!***

Ronda's picture is by photographer Nick Stone - www.nickcstone.com

Oct. 10, An Anniversary, of Sorts -

A year ago today, Oct. 10, I began chemotherapy treatments. You can read those posts here and here. As I look back at the pictures of that time and think about the firsts involved in my cancer treatment I'm scared, I taste fear even looking at the below picture. I see the angst and apprehension in my eyes as well as the "well, I'm here, let's get it over with" look. Hell, hell, hell is all I know how to describe that day. I was a lamb going to slaughter. I was so stinking innocent, and since, my eyes have been so opened to the pain and sorrow and loss that cancer can bring. Honestly - I still cannot believe I made it through the last year.

September 06, 2013 began my year of anniversaries rather than firsts. And I really don't know how to celebrate, commemorate, mourn them. Like today - I have a need to acknowledge that a year ago today I began chemo. How? Do I celebrate that I'm here to remember today or mourn the losses chemo brought into my life? And what happens when Saturday arrives, and that's the day chemo pain was so horrible I wanted to die, something I've never wanted before, such terrific pain that if I could have exploded, I would have (I think I was moments away from exploding). I can't blow off that day, nor the people who helped me survive my first chemo treatment - Irma, Cody, Cheryl, Betty, Carolyn, Mom, Scott.

(First day of chemo)

Do I commemorate losing my hair? How about finishing chemo? How about beginning radiation? How about ending radiation? How about hair growing back in? How about ending treatments? Or do I move on, as if this past year never happened?

How do I acknowledge the loss of life and gaining life? Isn't that really what happened? I am not the same person I was. And damn it, that makes me mad, in so many ways - I miss my snarkiness, my youth, my "to hell with it" me. And yet, laying in bed with Scott last night, talking about this, he shared, "You are better. So much more than you were. You are comfortable in you. You seem more calm, more sensitive, more generous." Of course I wanted to yell, "WTF? You mean I wasn't?" And then I answered my own question with his reply!


I've made it through the tunnel of hell, and I'm on the other side. I'm beaten - what I thought was going to be a drive in the country on a few dirt roads turned into an endurance drive through high winding roads with drop-offs on both sides, in rain, snow, low-lying clouds, and no idea of what was around the bend. The past year's drive had few elements of "fun," not many stops to view the scenery or roadside restaurants. Today I'm out of the clouds, onto paved roads, gazing at the fall leaves.

But wait - what I'm seeing in hindsight is this - the journey was exactly what I needed. No - not what I ordered, not what I wanted, not the road map I chose, but what I needed. And sometimes I/we don't see what I/we need until it has been given to me/us.

My road trip isn't over - still weight to lose, lessons to learn, mind to recharge, anxiety to calm, but now I have more confidence in the journey. Because of where I've been, I am a little more prepared for what might be around the corner. After all, I am beginning, again, what a gift! And I'm praying for sun - with a chance of surprise!

PS - We're going to a pumpkin farm and corn maze today with kids and grandkids. A perfect way to move forward!

Oct. 9 - National No Bra Day and Another Perspective on Pinktober -

From the blog: cancerinmythirties.wordpress.com, a much sassier take on Pinktober and commercialization -

National No Bra Day and Breast Cancer Awareness Month 

— OR — 

Please Put That Pink Can of Soup Down & Put Your Bra Back On

I am not a ranter by any means and I have been pretty quiet about “Pinktober” and what has come to be known as “Pinkwashing” in breast cancer circles, but seeing October 13th advertised as “National No Bra Day” and as a “fun” way to support people with breast cancer has pushed me over the edge. 

Are you kidding me?  How on earth could a day where girls and women are encouraged to walk around with their nipples poking through their shirts be “supportive” for women who are living with or who have died from breast cancer, or who have managed to ‘complete’ the arduous treatments and disfiguring surgeries required to put them into remission?

I think the answer is simple.  It is not.

Like so many women–and men–who have faced this disease, I have lost my breasts to cancer.  Though I had a terrific surgeon, it was a physically and emotionally disfiguring surgery.

The cancer had gone so deep and was so extensive on my left side that it was at first inoperable.  Even after months of chemo, my surgeon took as much tissue and skin as possible and went deep into my axilla (underarm area).  The cancer had metastasized to my lymph nodes and had invaded them to such a degree that they broke open to allow the cancer cells to go beyond the walls of the nodes.  Because of how invasive the surgery was and of how much nerve damage, etc. resulted, it was not only extremely painful then, but continues to be a source of pain and phantom sensations that affect my entire upper torso even today.

I required over a year of physical therapy just to be able to raise my arms again and I still don’t have full function or range of motion.  And, because of pain, swelling, conspicuous compression sleeves and gloves, I am constantly reminded of the lymphedema that resulted from the surgery and loss of my lymph nodes.  Oh, and the life-threatening infections that forced a couple of hospitalizations and four months of massive doses of antibiotics this summer (almost 2 years after my original surgery), are also a little reminder of some of the things that the bilateral mastectomy and lymph node surgeries have left me with.  And there is so much more…

So the thought of seeing bra-less women flaunting two body parts that I have lost to cancer — more than I already see this on a regular day — does not feel all that supportive.  In fact, it feels quite the opposite.
I consider myself to be an open-minded person.  I do my best not to judge others or their beliefs and ideals.  I have a pretty good sense of humor and am usually the first to poke fun at myself.  And I make light of breast cancer and my struggles, treatments and their side effects, lack of breasts, fear of death, etc. fairly frequently.  It is how I cope.  But, given what I have been through, I think I have earned the right to joke and make light of how this terrible disease has affected me.  But if you haven’t been there or taken care of someone who has been there, then you should think twice before you publicize a day that jokes about putting the first body parts we usually lose to this disease “out there” on display even more conspicuously and then labeling it as an activity that helps our ’cause’.

We live in a society that makes a huge hoopla about breast cancer while at the very same time trivializing the seriousness of the disease.  How can we be so contradictory?

While I am beyond thrilled that breast cancer is no longer a taboo issue and that people are talking about it, the commercialism has gotten out of hand.  There is nothing pink and rosy about breast cancer, yet it has been pink-washed to death.  It is a serious disease that kills.

And while I do think we need more awareness and education (about metastatic disease, about how young women CAN develop breast cancer, about how women (young and old) DO die from this disease, about the importance of research, etc.), I don’t think we need the kind of awareness that buying a jar of salsa with a pink ribbon on it brings.  While I hardly ever see “awareness” products addressing the topics above, I can’t go anywhere without seeing pink products.  Heck, I just have to look out of my front window to see giant pink garbage totes.  The stores are filled with pink as companies try to make a buck off breast cancer.  If you look carefully at these products, you’ll find that some of them don’t even donate a cent to breast cancer awareness, support, research, etc.  And oftentimes those that do make a very minimal donation–and not always to organizations/programs where the money is well spent.

What is most unfortunate is that well-meaning people are willing to buy pink products, even pay a little extra, because they think they are helping to do something to “cure” breast cancer or to provide “hope” to breast cancer patients.  Why is this sad?  Because those dollars spent on pink flowers, pink shirts, or a pink box of crackers or spaghetti sauce could be going to research, our only real “hope” of beating this horrible disease.
So please put your bra back on, put down those pink garbage bags (unless you really like pink that much!), that pink “awareness” pepper spray keychain, and that pink breast cancer “awareness” vibrator and dildo (yes, I’m blushing and yes, these are real things that their merchandisers say will “help you raise breast cancer awareness” — though they are shipped discretely in plain, unmarked boxes so no one knows what you purchased) and send a few dollars to an organization that devotes their fundraising dollars to research.  You just have to do a bit of homework or read the labels on those pink items to see where your money is actually going.  [There are pink products out there that do help to fund research, etc. -- they seem to be in the minority, but they do exist.]  But, if you don’t like homework, here are three great organizations — there are many others, but these are some of my favorites:

*** http://www.standup2cancer.org/ ***:  [This is a terrific one -- and it's not just for breast cancer, but all cancers.]  Our mission is to fund collaborative, translational cancer research to bring treatments from the bench to the bedside faster, and save lives now.  Since Stand Up To Cancer was founded in May 2008, we have granted $161 Million Dollars to ten Dream Teams of scientists and researchers, one international translational research team and 26 high-risk, high-reward Innovative Research Grants.  100% of public funds go directly into research grants. A portion of the funds that are raised from major donations and third-party fundraising go towards administrative expenses and overhead.
*** Metavivor.org ***: From support groups to funding vital research, our programs sustain the power of hope.  Passionately committed patients ourselves, we rally public attention to the urgent needs of the metastatic breast cancer (MBC) community, help patients find strength through support and purpose, and make EVERY dollar count as we work with researchers to regain longevity with quality of life.
http://www.theibcnetwork.org/:  Inflammatory Breast Cancer (IBC) is a rare and highly fatal form of breast cancer that is not typically discovered by mammogram and often occurs prior to standard breast cancer screening age recommendations. Our all volunteer board is focused on education and funding research for this 200 year old orphaned form of breast cancer. No Lump Still Cancer.
…or consider a group that helps cancer patients and their families cope with their illness.  For example:
CancerIsAJerk.org  — This is a small charity my dear friend jme set up to help families affected by cancer.  You can make a financial donation  or  purchase “Cancer Is a Jerk” t-shirts with all proceeds going to help actual families affected by cancer.  You can also contact jme through the charity if you’d like to sell shirts as a fundraiser with all proceeds going to benefit cancer family applicants in general OR designate a specific family of your choosing.  And if you know a cancer family in need, please encourage them to apply for assistance.

—

And, of course, don’t forget to go for your regular mammograms and to feel your breasts when you can (and report any changes to your doctor) because doing these things IS important.  It is how I found my own lumps, almost 18 years before I was due for my first mammogram (according to the recommended screening age back in 2009).  While the vast majority of lumps are benign, I still believe it’s always best to bring your breast changes to the attention of your doctor.  Thanks for reading…

I will leave you with a picture that I think is my best advertisement for Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

Me — 5 Days post bilateral mastectomy and complete ALND (Axillary Lymph Node Dissection)

Side note:  The ACTUAL National No Bra Day is July 9th annually.  Someone had the great idea to do a bra-less day during October — Breast Cancer Awareness Month — to support “the cause.”

 

Oct. 8 - Adventure

It is said that women who survive cancer, any type, have a bigger zeal and zest for life than they did pre-cancer.

I know lately, when I've been faced with difficult things, including recovering from my broken elbow and losing 30 pounds of chemo weight, I think, "I've had breast cancer, this is just a little thing." And then, it does become little, and I do the "tough" little thing.

This article talks about women who've had cancer and who have moved forward doing more, bigger, better than before. This website tells how one woman took her experiences and changed them in a way to benefit others.

I've been trying to think about how I want to change the world. I've come up with these things:
1. Be a better person
2. Hug more people more often
3. Don't be afraid to share my cancer story, my divorce story, my life story
4. Take time to meditate on peace, daily
5. Teach
6. Chaplain
7. Say "I love you," rather than "love you."

And what about those risks?
1. Find "contentment"
2. Watch movies with Scott (he sat by me for many many hours, I can sit by him for a few)
3. Love more
4. Do service for others in a foreign country
5. Find employment (continue with employment) that allows me to do the above, without money being the driving focus
6. Eat some meat (tough for a 20 year vegetarian)
7. Not have a faith crisis

There's more, I know there is, to life, than staying hunkered down under a warm blanket (I did that for 6 months, it's not pretty). I want to reach out, with both hands to others, reach inside with both hands to myself, I want to die living.

What risks are you taking? What risks would you suggest I take?
 

(Image from: www.kickkicksnare.com)

Oct. 7 - More Inspiration

Oct. 4 - 'Tis a Gift to be Simple -

I have had a beautiful week. I am so very fortunate, in so many ways, and I have tried to stay close to the simplicity of these blessings the past few days. Blessings such as: solid warm/cool home, home that is easy to clean, home with great windows, home furnished just the way I like, home that smells good, working appliances, things to put in these working appliances, purple flowers on my table, orange pumpkins on my porch, a bountiful garden, a deck that has entertained many people and provided me with a morning meditation spot, a comfy bed (last year at this time we were purchasing twin beds to make it through chemo; we traded those for a lovely king when radiation was finished), an Alaskan bathroom, art on every single wall and on every shelf and flat space, a library filled with favorites, a home that can handle nicks and bumps and scratches and scuffs, and my list goes on. When it comes to "home," I want for nothing.

Happiness is -

With this in mind (and because of the conversation I had with the angry lady on Monday - see my FB post), these questions have been mulling around, so I'm asking:


What makes you happy?
What do you do to be happy? 
What brings you happiness?
How do you cultivate happiness?
How do you get through your day?
What makes you smile?
When was the last time you laughed out loud?

Oct. 3 - Virtual Support Groups

I cannot say enough good about this organization - Living Beyond Breast Cancer. I first learned about them when searching for information about my type of breast cancer - Triple Negative. Not only did I find resources, I gained knowledge, and now, I blog for them, and I'm a volunteer for their Helpline, (888) 753-LBBC (5222).

This organization, staffed by women who have either had breast cancer or had a loved one with breast cancer, knows what women want/need to know. On their website you can find material regarding most types of breast cancer and treatments, webinars for a variety of topics, fund-raising (if you live near or buy from White House Black Market, they are great supporters of this organization), with only viable entities and always honest in their methods, conferences, and celebrations. You can read about some of the women who serve at LBBC here. I learned about LBBC from a WHBM window display last October.

Another organization, recently partnering with LBBC, is MyBCTeam. A conversation-based support group, this team was where I went when I had questions, needed to scream, or needed an applause from my peers. We give virtual hugs, thumbs up, and advice. No question is too far-fetched or simple.

I have attended a couple of support groups locally, live, and I have been most blessed, in my moving forward process with Lifting Hearts, a group of women who are friends and mentors - women who are still going through treatment and women who have 7+ years of "sobriety" under them. They meet monthly and have a speaker on breast-cancer-related topics. We are each others cheerleaders.

I need to assemble a list of blogs and organizations that support women with breast cancer, and their caregivers. I know something like this would have been so beneficial as I began my journey. 

With all the pink marketing going on, this seems to be about the most honest and approachable local event I'm aware of, and ya'll are invited (let me know if you are interested).

So, there you go. Women "tend and befriend," and these organizations have made that possible, even when we're too sick to get out of bed or too tired to put on a smiley face, these organizations have been "here" for me.