Professing My Beliefs - Hallelujah!

Happy Good Friday - the day many Christians celebrate; for good reason. In Mormon belief, Jesus Christ took on the sins of the world (mine) when he went to the Garden of Gethsemane to pray and contemplate his place and role in this world, and his crucifixion sealed this. While he wrestled with his role as son of God and Redeemer of the world, his disciples slept. It is said that Christ bled from every pore while in the Garden, because the burdens he took on were so heavy.

And finally, he said, "May your will be done," to his father. Resignation? Supplication? Understanding? Regardless, it was at this time that he took on my burdens. And I'm not talking strictly sins, but aches, fears, sorrows, loss, and my physical pains that go deeper than my bones. Through his suffering in the Garden and on the cross, in Mormon belief, he "atoned" (atonement) for my sins. Christ took on the sins of the world, so that we/I wouldn't have to carry this alone into the dark abyss of everlasting sin and sorrow.

And then Christ was hung on a cross and killed, murdered by unbelievers. Was Christ who he professed to be? Could he do what he professed he could do? I don't know what the unbelievers, or those who think differently, were feeling, but today's world is filled with people who believe differently, and that is good, not something to be murdered or tormented for.

Life is good, and life is bad. And I want to share the good and hide the bad, carry it around by myself, not burdening anyone else. But isn't that what family, friends, intimate relationships are for? Sharing? The good and the bad? And if Christ is my friend, then in this temporal world where morals and beliefs are questioned and judged, if I choose to share with him, that is my choice. And today I celebrate that life is fluid, I make mistakes, feel pain, lay that down. I am repentant, remorseful, and relieved as I move forward, not carrying a cat-of-nine-tails flogging myself because of my past. If my beliefs are different than yours, and you can't, don't want, don't see the need to understand mine, I'm so good with that. But let's celebrate the beauty of not having to carry our burdens alone. Hallelujah!

Practicing Mindfulness -

This year, 2016, has been crazy. And yeah, duh, that's my life. And yes ma'am, I am finally learning how to handle my world without letting it handle me. One of the tools I've been implementing this year is Mindfulness, that is, staying in the moment, dealing with what I can see and what I know, not letting my mind take me too far out in the future, and staying happy. And this is working.

Take Easter, for example. Easter is this Sunday, and for the entire month I've known that we will have company for Easter dinner. That means several adults and children, in my tiny house. This could be enough to make me go crazy and worry about the logistics. But honestly, there's not much I can do, so why worry? I need to firm up a dinner plan, games or some Easter treat, but again, until the Friday before Easter (this Friday), I have no time to put into assembling these aspects of Easter. So, why worry?

I have a simple menu in mind, I have a couple of games and crafts, I have a layout plan for tables, but I've chosen to let those plans now rest until I can give my focused attention to the event itself. When I start to think about Easter, I step back, place this time on Friday in my mind's calendar, and continue on with what is at hand - or the day as it unfolds.

I'm a firm believer in "If ye are prepared, ye shall not fear," but I also believe that worrying, as a part of preparation, brings more fear to the event itself, fear and anxiety and stress. None of which I need. And this has been my year to this point. Working 20 hours at UVRMC, teaching 3 classes at UVU, all I can do is what I can do, and there is absolutely no time for worrying.

I'm also a firm believer in AA's Step 3; Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. To me this means totally letting go of the worries of tomorrow, so that I can focus on today's events, or that which I do have some control over. And what I have control over is simply my attitude and my actions - and if they are in synch, then I can move forward, being honest with myself and placing my trust in tomorrow - when it arrives. 

I hope I'm making sense. The idea is simply this - don't worry or stress about what cannot be done in the here and now. Make a plan, step away from it, with comfort in knowing the plan is in place, and deal with the here and now, today. Most importantly, know that the only control we have for tomorrow is today. This gives me great perspective. 

It's working for me, and I am in such a better place because of this. Try it - trying bringing your mind from anxiety and stressors, typically the past or the future, and live in today, the moment. Lots of tips in doing this; my most favorite being taking three deep breaths, in, out, and returning my mind and body to the present. I try to do this at least three times a day, whether I'm feeling anxious or stressed, or whether I'm feeling like I just need a deep cleansing breath. 

Amen - 

Day 21 - Project Accomplished!

Day 21 -
So today is the last day of the Happiness Project, and I am very pleased with what I did and what I learned. Interestingly, the biggest lesson has been that of putting myself "out there," not being afraid to reach out to strangers, a huge exercise for this introvert.

Gratitude -
Great day at work; great faculty meeting at UVU; good dinner with Scott and friend, Trent.

Journal -
My life, although so very very busy, is filled with wonderful things. I am incredibly blessed. And looking for my blessings, instead of my own faults, has brought me an immense amount of peace. It's almost as if in seeing the good in others I can find the good in myself. And I am my harshest critic. And backing off on me has been very beneficial. I hope to continue this course.

Exercise -
Being sick has curtailed this, but I'm not worried, and I did tighten up on my eating, since I haven't been exercising, that and needing to remove processed foods from my diet.

Meditate -
This has been the hardest for me. Finding time/making time, to be still, is going to be my trial. I will continue to make this a goal. I don't have difficulty practicing mindfulness, but taking it to the deeper step of meditation has been tough.

Random Act -
Gave hugs to a woman who has cancer, is sick, and couldn't have her chemo treatment today. Gave a teddy bear to a little Spanish-speaking girl in the waiting room, who was running her daddy wild. The bear gave the little girl besos, and the little one thought this was a fun game.

Day 19, 20 - And When Breath Becomes Air -

Day 19

Gratitude - 
Planted seeds today! Breath - my chest has been so tight and congested, and I am grateful my lungs have not been so. I can breathe, without pain. Snot - not really, but boy oh boy, I'm blowing and coughing snot like crazy! 

Journal - 
In my next life I'll be married to Scott, we'll have a two-story farmhouse with high ceilings, a picture holding 12" down from which to hang lovely pieces of art, a huge tub overlooking our 5 acres. And Scott will have land to farm, crops to grow, animals to care for, and dirt to turn. He will be happy in this garden of Eden. Why? Scott should have been a gentleman farmer - he is his happiest when he's outside working in our yard. And watching him work on our little slice of heaven is heavenly. I love this man. 

Exercise - 
Still - coughing and blowing. Although we did walk around the mall! 

Meditate - 
Today while planting the garden I spent time thanking my Higher Power for good soil, for the ability to grow our own vegetables, for a tiny plot of land that creates beauty and abundance, and all we have to do is nurture the gift we have. Joy in being present in the yard, tilling and planting, in preparation of sowing. 

Random Act - 
Watching a movie Scott wants to watch tonight - and not whining. That's an act of kindness! 

Day 20 - 

Gratitude - 

Why does my heart with gladness sing? Only because it's spring!!!

Journal - 

I've finished reading the short book, When Breath Becomes Air, by Paul Kalinithi. A must read for anyone thinking about life's journey and the unexpected routes it can take us, just when we think we're in control. Again and again he reaffirms my cancer journey, and he jolts me into awareness as I care for my clients. So many poignant passages - including, "Had I been more religious in my youth, I might have become a pastor, for it was the pastoral role I'd sought." (88) Quoting Samuel Beckett, "I can't go on. I'll go on." (149) It's good, short, thought-provoking, and poignant. Read - 

Exercise - 

Walked around the block this afternoon. That's a big deal after being down for a week. 

Meditate - 

Sat on the willow chair on the front porch, people watched, soaked in some sun, and thought - particularly about spring!

Random Act - 

I typically prep and cook the week's meals on Sunday. Today was no difference. Why Random Act? Well, I also cook at least 2 meals for my folks while fixing our meals. And lately our guest, Trent, has been eating with us as well. Neither are part of the "contract," but just what we do. 

Days 17 & 18 - Recovery -

Days 17 & 18

Gratitude - 
Health; Clients who make me want to come to work; Colleagues who make me want to come to work; Did I mention Wall-greens cough syrup? Julie - great visit with her this evening - always a joy; Ava - little squirt had an asthma attack (didn't know she had asthma), hospitalized for breathing treatments, home the next day. 

Journal - 
Had some time to think this week. Seems like my sick time is also my reflection time. Am I where I want to be? What do I need to be learning right now? What do I have going on that is too much? How can I simplify? And that's my bottom-line question, always. Not, how do I complicate things, but how do I simplify my life. I look at what's on my plate, and more often than not, I find things on my plate that really are not necessary - not even wanted. Being down has always helped me know what being up looks like, and I have the ability to change that picture. And that's a great blessing. 

Exercise - 
Coughing and blowing. I figure that's about a week's worth of core exercises! 

Meditate - 
Spent time in the Mindfulness mode. A great place to be when the future looms heavily - as in "Yikes, Easter's next week?! Crap, dinner here, Easter goodies for grand-kids, and a week filled to the brim with commitments. . . . Today I need to visit a patient . . . "

Random Act - 
Betty made soup, I returned a clean container filled with flax seed (I hope she likes using flax!). Visited with a woman who wanted to get on the elevator, but has anxiety. Calmed her down, got on the elevator with her, visited down to the lobby. And - I've seen this woman before and had some pre-conceived notions about her. Without telling her this, and I was happily proven wrong, all under the guise of helping her.  

Days 14, 15, 16 - Bronchitis -

I have had one terrible cold since Saturday evening. I showered on Sunday morning, finally did so again last night. I changed the sheets on the bed yesterday afternoon, thinking I had enough energy and that doing something would help me feel better - wrong. 

I have coughed from my toenails up, although this doesn't seem to be lung associated, rather bronchial. I'm drinking cough syrup like it's Diet Pepsi, and I've coughed and sneezed through a box of tissue and a roll of toilet paper since Sunday. 

Goodness. 

My Happiness tracking is off. However, even in this yuck I've had plenty to be thankful for: 

Understanding co-workers, full well knowing my being at work is not healthy, in any way. 

Scott - oh he's been good, patient, kind. 

Home - I have no needs, except to get well. It's been nice to concentrate on not concentrating. I've been able to focus on healing, and that has taken all of my energy. 

Life is good - and tomorrow I'll go back to work - glad I'm missing it! 

Day 12 and 13 -

Day 12 - 

Gratitude - 
Liam - what a sweet little boy. Spending the day with him yesterday was a treat. Arctic Circle - our go-to place to dine with grandchildren; they think it's such a treat to eat here. Evening - again a treat to end the day with a tired grateful heart. 

Journal - 
Adult children = grandchildren, at least in my case. I thoroughly enjoy watching them build their lives. Tyler and Jenna are different in each other in so many ways, but when they're together, they are my children, and I get to have just a short glimpse into the past when they were children living at home. Beauty. 

Exercise - 
Chasing with grandchildren while nursing a cold. 

Meditate - 
Not a moment yesterday. 
Random Act - 
Scott and I (well, I did, then I told Scott) volunteered to help with Tyler and Meili's 5 on Saturday. A 7:30am gymnastics meet north of SLC and a noon gymnastics meet in Springville, meant for lots of logistic issues. We had Liam; child #4, we don't get much of him alone. He is a cutie - lighter skin, the most amazing hazel eyes, a tender personality with a touch of his father's wit. He's a gentle soul, calm, wanders, but is also fine stuck next to Scott or me. Fun day, and a great way to serve. 


Day 13 - 

Gratitude - 
Cough syrup and tissue and a recliner. 

Journal - 
I went to bed last night with a crazy cough (well, I've had it for a few days, but it is much worse) and congestion. By midnight I was wired from taking cough syrup with a decongestant and hacking a lung. So I semi-slept on one of our recliners in the office. Pre-cancer I just took being sick in stride. Post-cancer, I get a little scared - will I ever get better, will I recover and be healthy, what if I don't, are just a few of my thoughts. And I don't like being down - I think I've had enough sickness to last a lifetime, so why would a little sinus/lung crap get me down? But it does, and I worry. 

Exercise - 
Kegals and stomach! All day yesterday, all day today! 

Meditate - 
Yeah, as a matter of fact. In the wee morning hours, when coughing wakes me, I lay and think, and try not to think, and I meditate on the here and now, and try not to wander.
Random Act - 
I have tried really hard today to not whine and not request. Kind of an odd random act - but being sick puts me in a needy whiny mode, and I've tried not to go there today.