State of Mind - Psalms, Frankl, Brown, Sun, Guidance -

Practicing a little self-love this month. It's time for me to go deeper than I've been for awhile, which means cutting internal and external chatter. Lots of things brewing, so I really need to center myself. I am emotionally burnt-out and tired as I can be. 

And with a little sun, sand, and culture, hopefully I can do so. 

This is where I'm beginning: 

Actually - I began this years ago with my fascination with the scripture in Psalms 46:10, Be Still and Know that I Am God. My intrigue came with the breaking down of this scripture, the phrases found in this scripture, and the power of the words - singularly and together. 

And this: 

Man's Search for Meaning, by Viktor Frankl. This book will be discussed at a conference I'm attending mid-April, and I'm really wanting to delve into his "meaning making" theory. 

And this: 

Brene Brown's, Braving the Wilderness is reminding me that I can be alone, be true, and be brave. 

And this: 

Samadhi refers to a state of mind rather than a physical position of the body. Which really brings me back full circle to the Knowing, the Being, the I accompanied with Am God. 

"Don’t search for stillness, but stop reacting to the outer illusion unconsciously, 

and gradually your mud will settle, as they say in Zen."

Lent 2020 -

I have tried to give up something for Lent every year. This year is no different, except there will be some pretty big changes in my life and Scott's these next few weeks. So giving up complaining or swearing, or sugar, or Diet Pepsi, probably aren't going to bring positive results.

So this year I'm going to take on something for Lent, and that is being more gracious, more forgiving, more kind, more brave.

Started the day with flowers for my mom and a text to my love.

There. How about you?

Offending and Apologizing -

How about this:

Someone offends - walk away? Confront? Talk behind their back? Owning my story with an apology?

I learned a long time ago, that an apology isn't necessarily an "I'm sorry for my actions," but it can be an, "I did/said this (didn't stand up for myself) because I was - Caught off guard - up to my knees - dealing with other concerns, and I didn't want to explain myself."

And then perhaps the explanation will come, but now standing up for myself is the apology.  "I'm sorry" doesn't always work for me or the other.

Brene Brown - Braving The Wilderness -

I began reading this book today; Brown is telling MY story - from her drill team story to her BRAVING acronym, she is reminding me to own my story, speak my truth, and be comfortable in my own skin. At 61!

I'm mostly okay with standing on my own, yet there is a part of me that has always longed to belong. One of my first memories of the need to belong is when I wrote a letter to my babysitter asking her if she'd be my big sister. ;( And when she left for college, I wrote another; I think I wrote 3 letters to 3 older girls, because I needed an older sister, I needed to belong to someone.

And I didn't make drill team, and I never tried out for another team, and I seldom did anything where I would fail or not be included, which meant I have been a loner most of my life, even picking lone professions - young married - didn't have to go to college or risk rejection later, older college student, mother of "only" 2, folklorist (not a lot of competition for this profession), yet then an adjunct professor - so I didn't have to mingle or compete with "real" professors, at-home online education developer, and female healthcare chaplain. Oh, and even my cancer-type made me a lone-wolf.

So as I'm reading Brown, I'm thinking about the times I've wanted to belong, the times I've belonged, and why I have chosen to not belong. I'm pretty sure it's the independent "I do it myself" Idahoan in me, as well as that fear of rejection. If I stand away from the crowd, I don't belong, but I won't be pushed out of the circle either.

However, one thing Brown has mentioned (I'm only on page 39), is that "Trusting myself or other people is a vulnerable and courageous process." And I do think I'm pretty good at belonging to myself, being vulnerable with myself, even being courageous with my own story. Yet I do think I allow myself to be broken upon occasion, or taken advantage of, because I do want to belong, I do want to fit in. I appreciate when Brown shares her story about choosing to wear her jeans and clogs to a speaking event rather than business attire - and in being true to herself, and showing up, she was authentic, brave, belonging to herself.

Brown writes, "I said to Steve (her husband), 'I've lived my entire life on the outside. It's so hard. Sometimes our house is the only place I don't feel totally alone." And I get this; I understand this feeling, this outlier, this make the road less traveled (not take), and be fearless (at least in public) and come home to rest and feel safe.

She writes,

True belonging requires us to believe in and belong to ourselves so fully that we can find sacredness in both being a part of something, and standing alone when necessary. But in a culture that’s rife with perfectionism and pleasing, and with the erosion of civility, it’s easy to stay quiet, hide in our ideological bunkers, or fit in rather than show up as our true selves and brave the wilderness of uncertainty and criticism.

The wilderness is an untamed, unpredictable place of solitude and searching. It is a place as dangerous as it is breathtaking, a place as sought after as it is feared. But it turns out to be the place of true belonging, and it’s the bravest and most sacred place you will ever stand.

More to come - 

Visiting with my Husband -

Scott woke early this morning, having had a bad dream where folks were telling him he wasn't a team player. And he could not go back to sleep, and he worked his frustrations out by doing the laundry, cleaning the basement, reading, then attempting to go back to sleep.

I'm 61, he turns 71 this year; we've been married nearly 16 years. Some days it feels like we're just young'uns dating, other days we've been married all of our lives. And we're still learning about ourselves and each other.

In the past few days we've had plenty of conversations about self-discovery. It's so incredible that we are constantly defining and refining - and I'm so grateful to be able to voice this, be listened to, appreciated, understood (or at least accepted), and able to change and make changes in a safe environment.

We laugh together, raise our voices together, work together, and plan vacations together. Our lives are really about our journeys, and we are both so grateful for where we are . . . today.

And this - 

I read these upon occasion, and I swear, they are so true! 

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/funniest-marriage-tweets_l_5de5535ae4b0913e6f835ef0

Every Day Kindnesses -

After getting my irritation out, I began to think about what I do want, rather than what I don't.

Small kindnesses - a smile, a hello, a finger wave to "you first," a sweet text, something to smile at, time with loved ones, a cold Diet Pepsi, a blue sky moment, feeling a part of something, time alone, my name remembered, a cookie on my desk, a question gladly answered, a thank you, a kind word.


And then this morning I read this, and Danusha Lameris wrote my heart.

My life motto - "Be True, Be Fair, Do No Harm," needs to rise to the top, particularly when I am not being true to myself. 

Standing Up Rather than Backing Down -

I'm a wimp, I'll admit. There are very few things that are worth sweating about, arguing about, taking a punch for. I'd rather compromise than fight. I'd rather come to an agreement than compromise. I guess that is compromise! Heated conversations are great, but name calling, "everyone say's'ing" all in the name of pointing fingers is malicious, hurtful, and not good for anyone, including the instigator.

And today I was bullied. And I took the hit. And now I feel like shit - like a typical middle-aged Mormon woman who doesn't know how to stand up for her truth, for her rights, and allows a man/men to push her around.

Mind you, this wasn't in a religious situation, yet the scenario was such that I listened (BTW, the bully called me, not face to face), and then I answered - damn it; I answered the allegations - when I should have said, "NYGDB," yet while maintaining a little of my dignity, I took his punches, then hung up.

And then I wrote a pissy email, didn't push send, didn't push save, deleted, and called a male friend who had no idea where this bully was fighting from or for, and listened - imagine that! And told me next time (and I'm sure there will be) to say, "You're not the boss of me."

I'm 61 years old, and when it comes to standing up for myself, do I need to have someone else validate the "You're not the boss of me," phrase I've been taught all my life?

I gotta remember my "I won't back down" statements for this year. Truth is truth, even when it's mine.


(Interestingly, when I looked for a "You're not the boss of me," image, they were all either men yelling at men, or children yelling at parents, or very condescending or apologetic women. And, I can't find a Youtube of a woman singing "I Won't Back Down.")