You can’t order a poem like you order a taco. Walk up to the counter, say, “I’ll take two” and expect it to be handed back to you on a shiny plate.
Still, I like your spirit. Anyone who says, “Here’s my address, write me a poem,” deserves something in reply. So I’ll tell a secret instead: poems hide. In the bottoms of our shoes, they are sleeping. They are the shadows drifting across our ceilings the moment before we wake up. What we have to do is live in a way that lets us find them.
Once I knew a man who gave his wife two skunks for a valentine. He couldn’t understand why she was crying. “I thought they had such beautiful eyes.” And he was serious. He was a serious man who lived in a serious way. Nothing was ugly just because the world said so. He really liked those skunks. So, he re-invented them as valentines and they became beautiful. At least, to him. And the poems that had been hiding in the eyes of skunks for centuries crawled out and curled up at his feet.
Maybe if we re-invent whatever our lives give us we find poems. Check your garage, the odd sock in your drawer, the person you almost like, but not quite. And let me know.
Deconstruction doesn't mean deconversion - perhaps this is called critical thinking?
The "Church" as a whole, claims to hold itself to a high moral standard, so failures will always bleed up to the leaders.
"We live in a diverse, accessible, and mobile world." We have opportunities to befriend and learn about cultures, lifestyles, religions that were never available even 25 years ago. So many more perspectives, so many varying ways to see life. "Relational proximity" no longer has the impact that it did.
"It's much easier to remain certain of your beliefs when you are not in personal contact with people who believe differently." And yet, most Christian churches are evangelical - how do you convert when you don't know whom you are converting?
When a popular Christian deconstructs their faith, they get media's attention. How many every day folks are doing similar?
This book, Church Refugees, should be read by those in ministry. Written by sociologists, it also very much reflects my personal perspective - the purpose of any culture/community is to entertain, educate, social control, and reinforce the values of that community. When the Church fails to do so, or is deconstructed, doers deconstruct.
Many of those deconstructing sought out ways to remain active members of their faith groups, yet when undervalued or overinvolved, existential burnout happened; referred to as the burn-out generation. While these people are not leaving their faith, they may review their involvement and need to be involved, in their church.
Those deconstructing, when shared publicly, can "self-censor for fear of being labeled 'divisive,' or they leave and find community elsewhere."
Going deep should be embraced! Healthy communities have space for difficult conversations without the conversations or people being discounted or dismissed. Leaders who question rather than always have the answers are good leaders.
If every faith is expected to think, talk, believe exactly the same, have we not created a culture of conformity? What about unity? Even inclusivity excludes.
There will always be difference of opinions - that's good, that's healthy, that's how we learn to be critical thinkers and how to use those critical thinking skills, without putting the "other" down.
Do you seek for discernment or fall down the rabbit-hole of misinformation because it came from someone in your congregation or church?
"The biggest argument against deconstruction is deconstruction itself. There's no limit to how far you can go. And you can easily come out the other side a lonely and bitter person with no hope to offer the world or yourself." Or - you can stay in blind faith and belong to a group of bitter people who enjoy felicitating themselves.
There is a need, when deconstructing, to reconstruct. Get on A Path, any path, rather than soak in your deconstruction tub. There are many ways to follow your Higher Power.
And to church leaders - do not discount, minimize, or dismiss anyone's deconstruction. Seek to understand. Deconstruction often begins with the community, not the faith. Where it ends - may be determined not only by the person's discoveries, but how open and humble and available leaders of faith groups are.
Everyone needs a safe space to question and discover answers. If you have raised a child to think for themselves, to learn for themselves, to experience something themselves, then best capable for doing the same and allowing others to do similarly. You may find a well rich with natural water. Rather than a shallow mud puddle.
On of my all-time favorite TED talks is this one from Shawn Achor. I've shared it before on this blog, I always showed it in my UVU classes, and I've shared it with colleagues, friends, family.
I'm learning that looking at life from a more positive perspective is healthy for not only ourselves, but for those around us - whether that be colleagues, clients, family, friends.
And this is what I mean -
Why oh why o-hio do we need to be judges when we can be curious? Why do we feel a need to carry loads or burdens when they can easily be dropped, enabling us to move forward? Why do we feel a need to "share" our negatives, when we seldom share our positives?
Case in point - A guy cuts us off and makes us miss the yellow light, so we have to stop and wait 3 minutes for our turn in the rotation of lights. "Idiot, look, new license plate, new driver, out of state, idiot." Later that day, sharing with a friend, "And this morning, on my way to the store, this idiot cut me off at the stoplight, didn't even look."
And - three days prior, "I didn't see the car behind me, sorry! Hey, don't flip me off, it was an honest mistake." And later that day, "Some guy flipped me off when I didn't see him in my rear-view mirror when I was changing lanes. Idiot."
How about, "Whew, that was close. Glad that I was able to stop before running that red light." Later that day, "Great day today, yours?" And - "Man, I need to be better at checking this mirror before I change lanes. That could have been a disaster." Later that day, "I nearly had an accident earlier today, grateful the guy behind me had good brakes."
Doesn't change the story, doesn't sugar-coat it, but it does change the outcomes and how we carry the story - what we are telling ourselves now is just as much truth as the other way, and we're no longer carrying anyone's shit except our own.
Work has been beyond tough these past three years, and there have been many times when all I've been able to see is the darkness around me. And sadly, I've carried that darkness and pulled others in to that with me. And then a bunch of us are seeing negative, and there is no space for light.
How much more/less work is it to feel the pain, the anger, the despair, the anxiety, and then change the dialogue? Rather than being pissy on Sunday because Monday is work, and it's going to be a tough day with tons of new needy patients, how about - feel the pissy, the anxiety, acknowledge it, and then be grateful for a job that pays well, that I enjoy, with a couple of colleagues that I don't enjoy, yet many more that I do, and then freakin' quit my whining and go about my day, so I don't lose all of Sunday to stinkin' thinkin'? And - both thoughts are real and valid, yet in the last scenario, I'm the winner rather than a victim, all because I changed the dialogue just a tiny tiny bit?
Seriously, there are days when the snow is just too much, and if I hear someone say, one more time, "Yet we will have water this summer," I will puke, and I'm so tired of the darkness and cold. And yet - I do live in Utah, and it is still winter, and although this is sometimes just a conversation opener (What do you think about the weather), I can change my perspective, or at least my dialogue! "Holy cow, snow again today?" Said with a smile or happy voice rather than a frown and a complaint.
We all bring our life stories to the table, past becomes present - and yet I don't need to make my past and present my future too. I can choose to own my story, and only my story, choose to let the "other" own their story, and walk away - literally or figuratively, and make the choice to change at least my side of the dialogue.
"My colleague is on my case all the time, and I have to share an office with her, and shit, I can't do this much longer." Automatically puts me in victim mode. Instead, "My colleague and I do not see eye to eye. I really do not enjoy being in the same office as her." How can YOU change this story to come out true to yourself and not burdening anyone else?
Think about it - there's more than one way to be happy - and it doesn't have to be playing the victim, the negative one, the manure spreader. Own your story as the storyteller, and please, keep your shit to yourself - or better yet, let it go; life is too good to carry it around with you!
Bringing Mom home from the care center to die at home.
Remodeling the kitchen.
How are you different from a year ago?
Not as tainted, not as angry, more calm.
What have you learned from the hard times?
I hate hard times; I can make it through anything if I have sleep and love.
What did you enjoy the most this year?
Sedona, Hawaii time with Scott.
Time with my siblings.
July backyard journey.
What are you most proud of this year?
Staying fully engaged and present while Mom was dying (rather than fussing with other "stuff").
Not overplanning our Hawaii vacation.
Not guilting myself on the things I couldn't/didn't do.
Trusting myself, the process, those I love.
What did you learn about yourself?
Putting one foot in front of the other is sometimes the best way of planning something.
I hate conflict.
Self-acceptance is better than being accepted.
Things are good, really really good.
What energized you? What drained you?
Energized - time with my siblings, the holidays the past 6 weeks, when no expectations were the best gift I could give myself.
Drained - letting others into my space, the kitchen remodel dragging on and on and on.
What advice would you have given to your last-year self if you could go back and start the year again?
This too shall pass.
You will meet the most incredible people you've known all your life.
What matters most to you in the next year?
Being prepared for retirement - I have plans!!! First time in forever I have been able to look forward, for me.
What are you going to continue doing?
Being calm.
Living simply.
Loving in the best ways I can.
What do you want to change completely?
Get exercising; it's been nearly a year, and I need exercise.
How do you intend to be different at the end of next year?
Dec. 2023 - 3 months to retirement.
Plans developing into reality.
What is your highest intention for this next year?
Every year my sister and I come up with a word or phrase for the new year. I've used Savor, Home, It is what it is, Really?!, and this year my word is going to be Mend. This is my intention - not new, not heal, not do-over, but to take what I have and mend it so that going forward it has use.
From writer, Melli O'Brien, co-founder of mindfulness.com.
