Betrayed, Deceived, and Letting Go -

This past 2 months has been an internal hell for me. For the past 5 years I was led to believe I would be the hospital chaplain when the chaplain retired. The chaplain would suggest ways to improve my standing with the caregivers in the hospital, with administrators, how to improve my chaplaincy skills, and projects to take on that would make me more visible and viable. And I bit - including covering for him every chance I got, to gain experience - including a 3+ month stint as full-time and Palliative Care chaplain during the most tumultuous time at the hospital this fall and winter.

And I aced it! And I was so damn gullible. You see - I made his dreams come true. I did his work. I didn't necessarily do this to climb the ladder, but to please him and to keep him in a job - covering his butt when he was too complacent to do what really needed to be done with chaplaincy at the hospital - the only hospital in the Intermountain system to have a full-time chaplain.

My list of things I co-dependently did is long, and I won't go into the details, but suffice it to say that I rocked, and caregivers at the hospital saw that and reached out to me rather than to him when they needed assistance.

The chaplain fed me the line, and I bit, that when he retired in May of 2020 I would be able to slip into his role without a hiccup. And then 10 weeks ago he gave his notice, 12 months ahead of schedule (and it wasn't a surprise).

So 3 days before heading to Scotland I submitted a beautiful resume, cover-letter, and references, because, yes, I would have to apply, "but it's just a formality."

I even ended up having a Skype interview while in Inverness! And I waited and waited and waited - the job was offered to 3 people, all turning it down, while I still received emails telling me I was still in the running. The few folks at the hospital who knew the chaplain had left were asking me why I didn't have the job - and I didn't have an answer.

The unknown has been nearly unbearable at times. This "possibility" has been a part of my life - during the entire Scotland trip, coming home, and keeping my job going in Palliative Care, while also, now, covering for emergencies at the hospital - because no chaplain was hired, until - Thursday afternoon at 5pm. I received a form e-mail thanking me for my application, my patience, admiring the hard work that I do, saying I was one of the best, but they had chosen someone else.

Shit, damn, hell, and the big F word. Betrayed, deceived? Yes. And I allowed myself to be the damn fool who all these 5 years allowed myself to believe a dreamer who only knew how to dream, not how to implement. I've been here before, and I thought I could see an element of truth in his words, but just like my past, it was all BS, and I was the one designated as the actor - action'er. I am disappointed in myself - and yet - I have learned so very much about chaplaincy and big business. 'Git 'er dun Ronda - that's me!

So - a white, Mormon, male, with little hospital experience (not the 5 years required on the app) is hired. And I will be working with him, and he will most likely be a part of our chaplain chapter, and I will need to let go of my angst to be a colleague -  but I'll be damned if I'm going to train him and show him the ropes. His "boss," another of the people I feel double-crossed by, can manage him.

I am grateful, beyond words, that I have a job, a profession, that I love. And I am the only one who can do what I do - and this has been emphasized over and over again these past 8 weeks. Palliative Care is where I belong - where I have a team, where I have autonomy, and where I can grow.

Today, while perusing my Pinterest posts, which I seldom do, I had received a message from a friend, quite some time ago, but just seeing it now, which is exactly when I needed these words of advice.

Gotta let the shit go -