Childhood Affects Adulthood - A Need to Belong -

On the website BoredPanda a few days ago, there was a thread about "Childhood Stories that Best Explain the type of Person they are Now." I found it quite funny and quite telling. I appreciated those who had really thought through their childhoods and were able to critically apply these events to their adulthood.

It caused me to think about mine. And - my childhood event that continues to affect me today is that of belonging.

As the oldest child and grandchild, I stood apart; I was different; I was the other. I was 7 years younger than my aunt and 5 years older than my closest cousin, who lived a few hundred miles away. At family gatherings I did not belong.

In fourth grade there was a group of girls who were the popular ones. I remember wanting to be a part of their group. The had an application process - write a letter telling why you wanted to be with them, what you could do for them, and submit it. They would get back to the applicant. I was rejected.

In fifth grade Mrs. Gooch, the teacher who paved my path, upon examining my handwriting, which looked just like the handwriting of a girl a year older than me (and someone I wanted to be like) told me, "You are trying to be like someone you aren't. Just be you."

Between probably my fourth grade years and my sixth grade years I looked up to my babysitters. I wanted my aunt to love me and embrace me, but since she didn't, I looked to those her age for that acceptance. I even wrote letters to two of these girls asking them if I could adopt them as my big sister. I have a copy of one letter and reading it one day, as an adult with grandchildren, made me very sad for this lonely girl.

So - I professed that no one would ever have to feel like I felt. And I reached out to others, but to some extent, kept part of myself alone.

An interesting predicament these past two months, and the prompt of this website, made me reexamine my need to belong.

For the first time as an adult, I am part of a team with peers. I am not their leader, not their teacher, not their mentor, not their boss, but a member of a group. We work together; we share; we laugh; we compliment; we collaborate, and for the first time in my life (not talking marriage), I belong.

Yet in many ways I'm still searching for a place to belong - in so many areas of my life, that finally belonging to a bundle of amazing people is exhilarating and awkward - I don't know if I know how to belong!

A possible opportunity has come along where my strengths can be used to create an amazing program, and as much as I know I can excel at managing, developing, creating, supervising, teaching, I will be doing this a step-away from others; I will not have a team, I will manage the team.

I really love the team I'm apart of, and I really love the me who can create and manage a team, and I am just about ready to say "no," to the possibility of not-belonging. And yet - if my weaknesses have been honed to become my strengths, then perhaps I need to stand-alone once again, and make sure everyone I work with belongs.

http://www.greenwichworkshop.com/details/default.asp?p=2444&a=16&t=4&page=2&detailtype=artist