Ecclesiastes 3 always comes to my mind this time of year. I stitched this version into a wall-hanging that is on the wall in my office:
A time
for family and friends,
A time
for happy memories and thankful hearts.
A time
for traditions kept and blessings shared.
We have many reasons to give thanks.
And of course, this version, written by Pete Seeger and sung by The Byrds imprinted Ecclesiastes 3 in my mind:
My brother's birthday is today. He's 58 years old. As is custom with the Walker siblings, we'll post photos of us and the birthday person through the years. As I was looking for something to share, I found these. And the memories came flooding back - and not all associated with these pics, this situation, is good.
I was born in Jan, my sister, 18 months later in July, and Brett came a couple of months before I turned 4. My father was getting a son! My mother had given birth to Sheri and me in the Maternity Home in Rigby, and Brett followed suit (interestingly, 2 other cousins were born at that same time, and they all made the local news).
I'm pretty sure he was born in the morning, and if I remember correctly, I was sleeping in my parents bed, with my Jensen grandparents, when the call came that we had a baby brother, and Sheri and I jumped up and down on that bed, we were giddy with little girl anticipation.
My father was so excited! He wanted to make the "pick-up" for Brett and Mom extra special, so with Mom's encouragement, Dad took us to Idaho Falls to buy winter coats for 2 little girls. I would imagine that my mother asked Dad to get us something warm, something that would fit us all season, and coats that were practical.
Well, my father seldom did anything practical first - pretty first, practical second. And we ended up with these lovely "fur" coats, that were cream colored with brown highlights. So warm, fuzzy, pretty; Grandpa said we looked like 2 little Eskimo's.
And here is my memory -
Being so proud of that new coat, so proud of Dad for picking matching coats for us, and feeling so fancy standing in the sunlight getting our pictures taken.
Meeting my baby brother for the first time, just being taken in by the beauty of this new being, and at nearly 4, feeling a sense of time.
My mother - so upset with my dad for not buying practical coats. Didn't he know these would get dirty so fast, that they wouldn't be valuable playing in the snow, and for sure they'd wear out before the season was over.
I felt shame. Shame because I was happy in my new coat, and yet I knew that what we had and what Mom wanted were not the same, and sorrow for my father who didn't follow Mom's directions, and sorrow for Mom who couldn't see the pride in my father's eyes as he showed us, and baby brother, off.
And I remember then knowing I had to make a choice between protecting my mother or protecting my father, feeling the angst in my belly, and knowing I would always have to choose between practical/Mom and pretty/Dad. And wondering if I would ever be able to make either happy. If a pretty fluffy coat and a brand new baby boy, couldn't do, what would?
Mom's "pretty" typically sat on a shelf or behind closet doors, only to come out for a special occasion, if at all. Hoarded, almost, because, in her words, "I seldom had anything nice." Practical, frugal, careful, cautious, scared - all words that come to mind when I think of choices and my mother.
Dad's "pretty" was always on display, and he was often chastened for spending too much money or time on nice, or having something out that may be broken or be seen as prideful. Adventuresome, creative, risk-taker, considerate - all words that come to mind when I think of choices and my father.
As I've been cleaning and sorting at Mother's house this past month, this has been reinforced over and over. The closets and shelves still speak this same story - Dad's on display; Mom's behind closed doors.
Yet the trigger - the story - the beautiful coats - the sense of pride and pretty and shine - deflated that day, with shame and guilt and inadequacy taking the place of delight and beauty and self. And to this day I dance in both worlds, and often feel the emotions of that little girl, over and over and over again.
I've had sinus infections for most of my adult life, and prior to that I blamed it all on allergies. My first memory of a really bad infection was as a newly-wed with an infection that would not go away. It was fall, and so bad, that my in-law's volunteered to pay for an x-ray and treatment.
Over the years I've blamed the infections, particularly because they hit either in September or January, on students - public school, college, or even my students as I taught for so many years. My sinuses began aching about the time all other students began getting the sniffles - I figured they were worn down, sharing germs, getting used to the environment, and I was the recipient of their "not staying home when sick" gifts.
Sadly, over the years my infections have continually gotten worse and lasted longer. They vary from sneezes, to blowing, to gagging, to coughing and coughing and coughing, to crazy headaches. I've tried all types of antibiotics, natural remedies, even chiropractic manipulation to get rid of these. Nothing has helped.
Last year I finally reached out to an ENT, Kirt Beus, for his perspective. I've seen an ENT before, but really hadn't had much different info from my regular doc. Beus, however, was aggressive - from an in-office CT scan showing highly inflamed, swollen, and damaged sinuses, and offering every non-surgical remedy available.
And when they didn't work, he suggested balloon sinuplasty, not as invasive as full-blown surgery. In-office, shorter recovery time, and a 90% success rate.
Sadly, the surgery worked, but the surgery was painful (only local anesthesia), and recovery was horrid, thanks to steroids, which I now know make me go crazy - literally.
And I've been fine, great even, until Sept. 5. And boy, I was slammed, and I haven't been able to get all the way back up. I can talk over-the-counter meds, best cough syrups/remedies, cough drops, hot or cold humidity, antobiotics, and the benefits (ha) of sleeping on 2 pillows for 2 months!
I'm tired of snot! Particularly post-nasal drip. Not my favorite!!
So back to Dr. Beus I went, and now, 4 weeks later, I am scheduled for sinus surgery - via scope, for this Friday, November 13 (thankfully, Fri. 13's are my lucky days).
This is a 2 hour surgery, with a lengthy recovery time (2-4 weeks), and I've heard, pain on pain on pain.
Thankfully, working from home in the days of CoVid are possible; I'm not going anywhere; we're not doing anything for Thanksgiving, and with Gov Herbert's mandate, our social distancing begins tonight and ends on Nov. 23 with my 10 day doctor's appt. to remove packing and . . . .
I'm a little/quite concerned; I'm not happy, nor am I extraordinarily healthy after having my health compromised for so long. Yet I'm hopeful.
And away I go - to take my 3rd CoVid test since Sept. 7. Yuck yuck yuck.
November! And with that comes the obligatory, but blessed, opportunity to count blessings. Shawn Achor, a psychologist who has focused his career on happiness, is my favorite researcher and presenter on this topic. Please take a moment to watch this 12 minute video:
Be prepared to rewatch, just because you’ll be laughing so hard you’ll miss a few things the first time around.
“21-Day Challenge,” in which you pick one of five researched habits and try it out for 21 days in a row to create a positive habit. Doing so actually rewires — or trains — your brain to be more positive.
Here
are Achor’s five habits:
1.
Three
Gratitudes: Pause
to take note of three new things each day that you are grateful for. Doing so
will help your brain start to retrain its pattern of scanning the world,
looking not just for the negative inputs but for the positive ones.
2.
Journaling: Similar to the gratitude
practice, but in this case, detail — in writing — one positive experience each
day. This will help you find meaning in the activities of the day, rather than
just noticing the task itself.
3.
Exercise: Exercising for 10 minutes a
day not only brings physical benefits, but it also teaches your brain to
believe your behavior matters, which then carries (positively) into other
activities throughout the day.
4.
Meditation: Take just two minutes per day
to simply breathe and focus on your breath going in and out. Doing so will
train your mind to focus, reduce stress, and help you be more present in this
moment.
5.
Random
Acts of Kindness: This
can be something simple, and Shawn suggests writing one positive email to
praise or thank someone each day. Not only does it benefit the recipient, but
it also increases your feeling of social support.
These men are quite a bit different from each other, and yet their words yesterday and today are similar. A call for "Stop it."
I'm a pacifist - and I am broken, torn, shredded, sorrowful, and afraid. Although, I hate being told what to do - so I'm also a fighter - stubborn, loyal, defending, torn, and afraid.
The daily pain I see tears at these two me's - I am conflicted, and I have heartburn, sleepless nights, anxiety, doubt, faith, and hope.
"I know this: If the winners gloat and the losers threaten, we won’t be any better than we’ve been the last six months. And does anyone really want the country of the last six months to be the country of the next four years?"
"Of all the tensions we must hold in personal and political life, perhaps the most fundamental and most challenging is standing and acting with hope in the 'tragic gap.'"
And, "These letters are addressed to those of you who are sincerely and devotedly trying to camp elsewhere than in any political party or religious denomination and outside the world of strongly held opinions. We know full well that we must now avoid the temptation to become our own defended camp."
Lastly,
