Been away for awhile; Scott and I took a three week vacation to England and Scotland. And while I'm not quite ready to post a ton of pics, one of my desires was to return to the Rest and Be Thankful Pass outside of Glencoe, Scotland.
We visited this place 5 years ago, and then again, just two days prior to coming home. 5 years to the month.
Now to savor -
As a kid I fantasized about fame. As a younger adult, I fantasized about wealth. Now I fantasize about a life of ease. I want a life where my worth is not tied to my productivity. I get the rest my body needs, and I don't have to sacrifice time with loved ones to survive. (Michell C. Clark)
I was taught, "You can have it all, but you can't have it all at once." And so I've gathered experiences - rearing an amazing family, gaining an education, marriages, living outside of Utah, research, decorating homes, volunteering (and helping build several organizations), teaching at UVU, cancer, chaplaining at a treatment center for a short time, being a hospital chaplain, having my counseling practice, traveling; gathering is the best way I can explain what my many many years of life has been. And of course, with all of this has come so many opportunities to interact with so many amazingly diverse people (who would have thought that even this Utah County bubble is rich with diversity?).
And I am very happy with what I have and what I sacrificed to get here. In fact - so happy that this past week I mentioned to a friend, "I think I have it all!" With an element of my own surprise as I said this. Although not one to look back, reviewing my "life inventory" has been important as I've turned 65, signed up for Medicare, checked at Social Security options, and put my hand and mind on "what's next."
I've always been very intentional in my actions, and I want to continue to do so. In fact, so deliberate, that even in choosing a retirement date I looked at seasons, benefits, paychecks, eligibility, and of course, plane tickets to the next adventure.
Hence - retirement on May 3, retirement/anniversary/birthdays vacation beginning shortly after, coming home to new and next.
As always and forever, "Looking Forward."
I am beyond blessed -
I hope
when you come home to yourself
there are flowers lining the front porch
that were left from all the women
you were before.
(author unknown)
For most of my life my value has been determined by whom I belong to and what I do.
For instance: Tyler and Jenna's mom; Scott's wife, a daughter of Gods; a chaplain, a professor, a gardener.
I'm a possession and I'm possessed.
And yet - is that how I define myself?
Lots of scuttle going on the past few weeks regarding the mandates given by leaders of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
These mostly surround women and their callings and what they are allowed or not allowed to do in this arena.
Interestingly, I was going through boxes of my memories at the same time as LDS General Conference was being held, and I found an article from 1989, that I'd saved (must have been profound for me at the time) that discussed something that was once again on the docket for conversation - some things never change, some voices never heard.
Of particular interest these past few months has been the issue of the "stand" in the chapel where leaders who are presiding, and those who are speaking, sit. At one point, an LDS region in California invited women leaders to sit on the stand, along with the male leaders (who are typically the only ones sitting on the stand - because they preside). When this info went from region to district, to area, the regional and congregation leaders were asked to remove the women from sitting on the stand. This created quite an unquiet discourse about who has authority, who gives authority, and the benefits of women being seen.
Along with this, an LDS women's organization leader, was quoted (after speaking at an LDS women's conference), and posted this quote on social media - She said, "There is no other religious organization in the world, that I know of, that has so broadly. . . . My dear sisters, you belong to a Church which offers all its women priesthood power and authority from God!"
This definitely hit a sour note with thousands of women, with one stating, "This statement is laughable at best and thousands of women are being vocal about it, as they should be."
I responded, "I'm not sure who chose this quote - I most definitely feel differently and find this rather condescending. I'm just not understanding why I have to be "given power and authority." However, I love the painting and the sisterhood portrayed; I feel this, but not within my religious organization.."
Another, "President Nelson, you plead, 'Sisters, we need your voices,' and yet have you heard our voices? It will not work to simply tell us this anymore. It's disrespectful and belittling. It's misleading and harmful. We need actions, not words."
More than 10,000 comments in similar and harsher strains, with only a handful validating the statement. (https://www.instagram.com/p/C4oZ-otMOVL/?img_index=1)
And with this, along with doctrine regarding LGBTQ families and celestial families and room for everyone, yet requiring BYU students to read a talk given by Jeffrey Holland in 2021 stating that "the doctrine of the family and defending marriage as the union of a man and a woman. . . . We have to be careful that love and empathy do not get interpreted as condoning and advocacy." Many queer students, and straight, see this having significant implications, suggesting they don't belong at BYU and this may be an unsafe environment for them. (This is called the Musket Fire speech.)
I look my child in the face
And tell them with my eyes
I love you
Every part of you.
And if musket fire
Is ever pointed toward you
It will have to go
Through my body
First. (@unpackingmormonism)
There's also been talk about Mormon women and the wearing of garments that do not fit, cause physical problems, are uncomfortable, and are not practical in many cultures.
With all this said, there was a glimmer of hope that some changes would be made and/or announced at General Conference the first weekend in April.
Well - there were 5 session, approximately 7 speakers per session, 2 prayers per session. Out of this, two women prayed, three women spoke, all of the rest were male.
The wearing of garments was discussed twice, once by the woman I mention above, once by Elder Oaks. Neither addressed to men, but to women and the temple covenants made.
As for women on the stand - nothing. And for my LGBTQ friends - always, there's a seat at our table for you, and yet marriage is between a man and a woman and families are forever. I do not know a single parent who would leave their child sitting at a table by themselves; I heard one mother state, "I'll go to hell with you." (See David Archuleta's newest song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bAysF5mJjM0)
Lots more temples were announced - I do not get this, and an official statement came out yesterday regarding the wearing of garments. More grinding in on the old law rather than listening and making changes. Statements regarding garments lead to policing by do-gooders, shaming, blaming, and guilting.
"The more an institution tries to control how you wear your underwear the more you should question why they feel the need to control you so much in the first place."
In our home we have a framed saying on our wall: "Seek to understand before being understood." We make this a conscious habit - what am I missing, what am I implying, what more is there to know, what questions can I ask, listen, listen, listen.
I understand culture, I have studied, taught, written about, and experienced differences for my entire adult life (with that being encouraged even as a child).
If a culture does not adapt and adopt, evolve over time, it will die. Squeezing tightly to the old, particularly older patriarchal men and women, when not bringing in youthful fresh voices, and listening to them, will only make the old-guard seem more irrelevant. Giving young adults and newly graduated high schoolers responsibilities without explanations, will ensnare, but will not educate, rather commit and shame and guilt into staying. Holding on, tighter and tighter will kill (rather like Lennie in Grapes of Wrath, choking his pet mouse because he loved him so much).
Give us some air, give us room to grow, room to explore, room to express our thoughts, room to be heard, validated, and implemented, room to receive personal revelation - like the Church has taught for years, trust us to make wise choices, let us practice integrity rather than sneakiness.
My peace did not come peacefully.
I had to excuse chaos from the table
Before I could sit with peace. (Unknown)
Otherwise, death is imminent.
Just watched the Apple TV Series Ted Lasso for a second time. It's amazing all the goodies that can be found in this series.
Below is one of my most favorite scenes with one of the many lessons Lasso teaches.
Be curious my friends, be curious.
There's physical pain - and I've had my share particularly this past 12 years - yet you go to the doctor, surgeon, chiropractor, massage therapist, acupuncturist, rest, meds, etc., and most likely that physical pain will heal, or at the least, bearable. I'm still dealing with the repercussions of cancer treatment and accidents exacerbated because of cancer; one more surgery to go, and hopefully I'm finished.
There's also physical pain brought on my trauma - physical or emotional, and yesterday at the dentist, he told me my jaw clenching was speeding up the corrosion of my molars, and I would need crowns or bridges. As well, sleep and I haven't been acquaintances for years, and typically my sleep only happens with a pocket-full of well planned and well staged sleeping meds. I get a routine down, sleep well with that, things change, begin again.
I know where this trauma comes from; I've been here for years, marking the years, months, weeks, until I can be free of some of it and truly heal my physical, brought on by emotional, pain.
And then there's moral or emotional or spiritual pain. And I think I'm healed and moving forward, until something is said, posted, shared, and the pain comes leaping forward, from the other room where I set it down. And when that door is opened, all sorts of pain leaps out and comes to visit me.
For the most part I address it, acknowledge it, examine it, breathe through it, then excuse it. And that works; it's what I preach, it's what I practice. I've certainly sat with all of this - whether that's in the operating room, on a journey, with a therapist, or in prayer and contemplation.
And yet -
I'm sorely afraid that twenty years of moral, emotional, and spiritual pain is waiting at the closet door, for me to open, and it's a door I must open in order to rid them from my house, rather than move them to another shelf.
And how do I do this? NT, Luke 4:23, states, "Physician, heal thyself." Can I expect my clients to listen to me, if I have not taken care of what ails me? Yet I think I have, until I realize I haven't.
I've worked through so much the past two decades, and I'm proud and pleased at what I have removed from my closet; yet like clothes that no longer fit, but sit in the closet, waiting, wondering, looming, always there, it's time to open the door, sort, and move them out forever.
Perhaps these past decades of keeping trauma in the closet has been my way of holding space for myself, knowing the time will come, letting go of judging myself, and moving forward with love - for myself, my trauma, my others.
