Published! I was invited to submit a piece for Utah's Thrive 125; a short 125 word piece, often called Flash Fiction - writing without a lengthy editing process. And it's available to read here: https://thrive125.utah.gov/weaver/. 22 writers, 125 words.
My Bestie, Karin Anderson, also has a piece. It's a heart-warming soul-aching short. And like all of her work, touches me to my very bones.
Sweet!
Nearly 18 years ago I married a man who was/is kind, generous, intelligent, goofy, brilliant, creative, well-read and has medicated and psychotherapy'ed ADHD (sadly, not diagnosed until in his 40's, which means all those behaviors made him "difficult" rather than attempting to understand).
Over the years we've done the "you don't understand me," "help others understand me," dance. I have a hard enough time figuring myself out and explaining myself, that being his constant advocate has been tiring and difficult.
And yet, I love him so much, and I can see the goodness behind those layers of being misunderstood, of having to fight to focus, of speaking before thinking, of reacting rather than acting, and forgetting; forgetting is the worst of this. So I explain, and explain, and occasionally, more lately, get overwhelmed and bratty and bothered.
Because my love language is "Acts of Service," and because folks with ADHD live in the moment, and his remembering to do anything outside of the moment has grown worse over the years (no matter what we've tried), I've had to learn how to quickly forgive, how to take care of many of my needs by myself, and then explain my irritation or shortness or disappointment to him, others, and mostly, myself.
There are days when I think I cannot handle his ADHD one more breath, and then I remember that behind this disorder is the most amazing man I've ever met, and I take a deep breath, or ten, and act, rather than react.
Although - in his anger and rage (which comes with his passion, his love for people, and his inability to communicate this) I allow myself to be hurt, and there are days/moments when the divide between the two of us is wide.
These past few years, and particularly this past year, his ADHD has grown worse. I attribute that to many things - aging, inability to "do the things I could when I was 30," and his realization that his ADHD-ravaged communication skills have complicated many relationships. He also had an injury early this spring that has kept him home-bound, with 2 major surgeries, for the past 8.5 months, with probably 3 more months of recovery before he can even begin to move forward rather than wait for healing to happen.
And if I know one thing, waiting, for someone with ADHD, is a death sentence. There is an innate need to be doing and moving, and he's been limited to Hulu, Prime, Netflix (good grief, he can't even hold a book to read right now - besides no concentration ability because of the pain), and an occasional AA meeting. No friends have reached out, no one from our church congregation has checked in, no one has taken him to lunch, and with my chaotic work, I have come home empty.
Thus, evenings and weekends, have not been revitalizing, rather "git 'er done" time - where everything that I haven't had the time to do, and everything he hasn't had the ability to do, has to be taken care of. With no "cup-filling" time.
Exhausting, limiting, wearing, nearly-debilitating, for both of us. The two beautiful weeks in Denmark and Sweden were amazing, yet, not the time-away I was needing.
So, with children seeing my frustration, and me getting the, "Mom, you should be more nice," lecture (when often, they did see the end-of-my-rope, and it was fraying and my hands were bleeding from hanging on), I busted my ass and did some heavy-duty research - primary and secondary, into ADHD and aging.
An interesting visual came up on a friend's FB page, and Scott stated, "This is the best description I've ever seen of who/how I am," which pushed me toward understanding how to counter-balance these behaviors.
Through the years I have read books and articles on ADHD and marriage/dating/relationships/schooling/children/teens/work, but NOTHING on living with adults who have lived with ADHD their entire lives.
So, I assembled one! With Scott's approval, and that of his therapist's, I sent this to our children. I'm placing it below in hopes that someone/somewhere can benefit from this.
And in the meantime, I'm praying, seeing my own healer, and working on separating the two of us - making time for me, and only me, again.
 |
| If by chance this doesn't show, Google "ADHD Iceberg." |
While there is little definitive research on the ADHD brain and aging, many of these tendencies are exacerbated with normal age-related issues.
Below is a list I’ve complied from the info
I’ve gathered, the people I’ve talked with, and the experience I’ve had. Here
are some things that can be done to curtail some of these behaviors:
· *Read the above iceberg and while hard to
differentiate between personality and person, it’s often ADHD acting, not the
person
· * limit stimuli
· * do one thing at
a time
· * give positive
feedback
· * redirect
conversations when they are repetitive, non-productive or negative
· * go for a walk
or do an activity together rather than sitting and talking (harder to have a
conversation)
· * help them avoid
sugar or processed foods
· * do things they
can focus on (sports, puzzles, movies, watching or playing with children)
· * ask clarifying
questions, seek to understand
· * don’t confront
or react; act
· * relationships
are so important - build on now rather than the past
· * involve them in
your life (they will typically go/do anything for you)
· * encourage them
to wear hearing aids and/or glasses
· * compliment them,
stay positive in your conversations - don’t go down the rabbit hole with them
· * encourage their
goodness
· * be diplomatic
with them
· * remind them of
their good character traits and values
· * ADHD tendencies
intensify based on their surroundings - sounds, activities, conversations,
energy; they will react to these; be in charge and change the course
· * do something they
enjoy doing
· * some things
don’t compute; that’s just fine
· * avoid
confrontations or arguing; their thinking is rarely rational when angry
· * remind them, simply,
and no, forgetting had nothing to do with you
· * when they
interrupt or dominate a conversation gently discourage and don’t dwell on it
· * they are NOT
ADHD; they can be fun, loving, quirky, compassionate, passionate, genuine,
generous
· * Lastly, it’s tough to live with someone with the intensity of ADHD as some have. Be patient with spouse, give them a break, support them in their concerns.
L
