What a year! And yet, what a year!
Decided to remodel the kitchen, which turned into repainting and refinishing the entire upstairs and remodeling the bathroom as well. Began the job on Feb. 12, with the promise it would be finished by May 5. Biggest discovery - behind the double-wall ovens, a closet! Now we have a pantry in that space. Awww, so very nice.
In February spent a few days in St. George. Sadly, my state of mind only allowed me to panic, not relax. So Scott did his best to entertain me. Shopping and a little walk in the desert did not help much.
First of May spent a week in Sedona healing ourselves - heat, red rock, vortexes, salt rooms, lots of driving, time together.
Came home to a remodeling fiasco; inner-bitch came out, and well, I was kinda kind, rather bossy, and very much a project manager! Scott stayed clear of the interactions; smart man.
Hired amazing nephew Makai and neighbor Curtis to do all the projects not on the remodel list yet valuable.
By the end of May the bathroom was finished and just what we wanted; stunning. Kitchen was a disaster; no one accepts responsibility!
In May my Aunt Lola passed away.
Mom's health continued to decline, to the point that she was no longer speaking, interacting, although recognizing, and we all knew we were losing her.
End of June, brought Mom home to my house, with all of its dust, confusion, and dissonance, to die. Sisters moved in, some nieces as well. Revolving door, yet so peaceful and right.
On the evening of June 28, Mom passed away, in a hospital bed in my library, surrounded by books and the women she so loved, along with a couple of very patient men. And - construction workers in the kitchen, because I was not going to give them any excuses to stop working!
Mom's funeral was on July 1 with burial in Lewisville/Rigby, ID on July 2. All of the siblings were together, and we had the most amazing and therapeutic time. Gosh I love my brothers and sisters! And it was so cathartic to review our lives as children of Clyde and Alice, and our lives as adults with children and grandchildren of our own.
Mysteries solved, questions answered, "me too" moments acknowledged, and so much togetherness that when everyone went home, there was serious longing.
End of July experienced a wide-awakening with the support of a great friend and therapist. Lots of self-discovery and being able to see a "forward" for the first time in years; realizing how much the past and others' pasts have held, particularly me, from making goals, planning a tomorrow. Goes all the way to being a 3 year old girl, and as an adult, the disability and shame that came with a divorce and then cancer.
Early August - kitchen freakin' finished! What a pain, and it is gorgeous! I love being able to sort and shelf and organize the kitchen, with a perfect layout.
Shortly after, a cousin, younger than myself, Gary Walker, passed away. Enough with death!
The first of September siblings got together again and finished going through Mom's house, getting it ready to put up for sale. We spent lots of time laughing, reminiscing, being surprised by letters and scrapbooks, and ultimately dividing things, DI'ing things, and mailing lots to extended family, as well as trashing papers that were digitized or no longer needed.
Spent a few nights in Marysvale, UT. In a cabin, in the woods, in the rain. So very nice.
And then Makai - married Lauren in Laie, Hawaii, and Scott and I were able to not only celebrate with them, heaven couldn't have been any better as we spent our days with little plans and lots of sand and water. We were able to relax for the first time this year, and what a joy! Came home carrying the island-vibe with us.
Mom's home sold, to a young couple, and they will take residence mid-January.
Our house is now the best home ever, and we have thoroughly enjoyed being in this beautiful place we've created. As well, we love sitting on the deck watching sunrises and sunsets, gardening, and loving a stunning view of Mt. Timpanogos.
Scott and I managed to escape CoVid, until 3 weeks ago, and we were knocked flat for a week, and still recovering. What a trigger, as my bones and joints began to ache day 3. Those old cancer Nadar days came running to me. So grateful this is behind me, and all that remains is being darn tired - both of us.
Scott is the best gardener and grocery-shopper, and taxi-driver, and errand-runner, and helper-outer that any family could ask for. He picks up friends for AA meetings, comes home and reads portions of at least 5 books, takes care of all the errand sprinting, and serves others, including deceased relatives.
I stay busy chaplaining; there is no rest. And as much as I love visiting patients, I still hate company politics and egos and hierarchy. Our Palliative Care team is growing, so constant flux and constant "get to know you" times. However, I work with the most amazing talented people, and I learn from them and my patients every single day. So many patients with complicated cases, and lots of dying and families not cohesive when it comes to making decisions for their loved ones. This has definitely made me grateful for the miracle of 7 children being on the same page as we have cared for Mom these past 7 years. In addition, I've grown my own private practice, counseling those who are in any type of life transition, those who are grieving loss, as well as those looking for peace and the tools to carry these skills with them. I typically spend 9 hours a week doing this. LOVE it!
We did buy e-bikes, and rode them just for a moment before the Utah cold hit. Something to look forward to next spring!
Kids are all doing great - able to see Natalie and Ramon and family toward the end of summer. Spent time with all the others multiple times. Beautiful people, who we are thrilled to also call friends. 20 grandchildren growing like crazy - marrying, dating, graduating, schooling, studying, working, dancing, cheering, kicking, reading, creating, climbing, balancing, driving, swimming, and the most loveable bunch. We'll take them any time, any place, any way.
Dinners on the deck with the best of friends (when it wasn't covered with appliances and construction materials) accompanied by movies on the deck were some things I looked forward to. Lovely moments and hugs with so many loved ones who came to pay tribute to Mom at her funeral and burial, visits with our friend, Igor, from the Ukraine/Japan, brunch and a visit with Mark and Trudy, and days with Karin were highlights, as was spending time with my people - including the Birkeland trio. Terribly sorry I missed my 45th HS reunion (go Rigby Trojans). Moving forward while looking backward is a tough job.
Lesson learned this year - I can find peace within, even when there's chaos surrounding me. I don't need to "own" anything that's not mine, and being curious rather than judging provides freedom and respect and love - for self and other.
I've laughed as much as I've cried, loved more than I ever have, spent time in solitude, finding solace in quiet and peaceful spaces. And loving My Timpanogos - and learning from her.
My most favorite quotes this year are from a Mindfulness instructor, "There there darling; you're going to be OK." And from a billboard on I-15, "Be kind, be bold, do good." I'm learning that most of the things I want to say don't need to be said, most of the things I need to do, aren't necessary, and most things that are urgent, are really choices.
I've also learned that it's time I put myself "out there" just a little more. I'm not sure what that means, except that I'm healing and feeling a little freedom, breathing room, for the first time in many years. I'm hopeful, looking forward, making plans for more than "what's for dinner."
Mom's death opened the door to so much, and for whatever reason, these things have popped on my plate, and then right off - panicking and the extreme sense of urgency disappeared; ingrown toenail that's bothered me for decades, gone; nails polished every 3 weeks for the past 7 years, now au'natural; pestering banking issues resolved; hearing aids (damn cancer); finally feeling comfy with my own skin.
Lots of little that sums up a pretty overwhelming heavy year. And with that -
Merry Christmas to all, and best wishes for an amazing New Year.
