Hurting and Holding Space -

 There's physical pain - and I've had my share particularly this past 12 years - yet you go to the doctor, surgeon, chiropractor, massage therapist, acupuncturist, rest, meds, etc., and most likely that physical pain will heal, or at the least, bearable. I'm still dealing with the repercussions of cancer treatment and accidents exacerbated because of cancer; one more surgery to go, and hopefully I'm finished. 

There's also physical pain brought on my trauma - physical or emotional, and yesterday at the dentist, he told me my jaw clenching was speeding up the corrosion of my molars, and I would need crowns or bridges. As well, sleep and I haven't been acquaintances for years, and typically my sleep only happens with a pocket-full of well planned and well staged sleeping meds. I get a routine down, sleep well with that, things change, begin again. 

I know where this trauma comes from; I've been here for years, marking the years, months, weeks, until I can be free of some of it and truly heal my physical, brought on by emotional, pain. 

And then there's moral or emotional or spiritual pain. And I think I'm healed and moving forward, until something is said, posted, shared, and the pain comes leaping forward, from the other room where I set it down. And when that door is opened, all sorts of pain leaps out and comes to visit me. 

For the most part I address it, acknowledge it, examine it, breathe through it, then excuse it. And that works; it's what I preach, it's what I practice. I've certainly sat with all of this - whether that's in the operating room, on a journey, with a therapist, or in prayer and contemplation. 

And yet - 

I'm sorely afraid that twenty years of moral, emotional, and spiritual pain is waiting at the closet door, for me to open, and it's a door I must open in order to rid them from my house, rather than move them to another shelf. 

And how do I do this?  NT, Luke 4:23, states, "Physician, heal thyself." Can I expect my clients to listen to me, if I have not taken care of what ails me? Yet I think I have, until I realize I haven't. 

I've worked through so much the past two decades, and I'm proud and pleased at what I have removed from my closet; yet like clothes that no longer fit, but sit in the closet, waiting, wondering, looming, always there, it's time to open the door, sort, and move them out forever. 

Perhaps these past decades of keeping trauma in the closet has been my way of holding space for myself, knowing the time will come, letting go of judging myself, and moving forward with love - for myself, my trauma, my others. 

Tarot Cards and Eyes on the Prize -

I pull out my tarot cards upon occasion. Just like someone would read their horoscope, a positive daily thought, or their scripture of the day to motivate them through the day, tarot cards do similar - pull one, two, three, five, depending on your desire. 

I have animals and woodland plants, the housewife's recipe deck, goddesses, and sacred journey cards. Depending on how I'm feeling about our session, I will choose a deck, upon the client's request. Never without consent. 

My clients like the cards; they receive some direction, a little validation, and some clarification as they move forward. 

We typically pull for relationships, being stuck and moving forward, as well as looking at the past, present, and future - short and long-term. 

I pulled an interesting series of cards in Sedona, AZ last May. Laying on the table at a crystals store was a deck of Sedona sites cards. I pulled a card for recent past, real-time present, and moving forward. I asked for validation of my path. 

I don't remember the pictures on the first or second card, just that they validated where I'd been and where I was, at that moment. However - the last card really threw me - it was a clear white space, nothing more. And what it said to me was - forge your path moving forward, the world is yours, do with it as you'd like. 

I have definitely done this over the past year, with my Wren House practice as well as the journeys I've traveled. Having that blank card gave me permission to create my own story. 

This past week I pulled cards as well. These came from my Sacred Journey deck. I pulled these for my career paths - have I been where I was supposed to be, am I doing what I need to be doing, and is my forward where I'm supposed to be going. 

I'm feeling pretty good about the message I received. 

Thank you, Robbin for introducing me and gifting me my first deck of cards.