Holy Places -

As I sat through our worship service on Sunday I so wanted to feel the holiness I had felt the previous two days, and yet there was nothing. I felt the cold metal chair, heard the chatty children, listened to a couple of folks testify (or brag), and watched the time slowly tick away. As disappointed as I was in the service and my lack of any reverential thoughts, I was grateful for the time I had just spent with my sister visiting family in Southeastern Idaho. 

This space is holy to me - wide open fields with blue skies and white puffy clouds. A small breeze and a view for miles, stopping only at the Idaho side of the Tetons. My sister and I drove to Rigby for a cousin's funeral. The setting - the green green green of an Idaho spring - pines with yellow buds, cottonwoods beginning to share, crops peeking their baby green heads through the deep rich and newly furrowed soil, and water - water running down open ditches and canals to irrigation pipes and sprinklers that guarantee this cycle of growth and green continue. Holy ground. 

We visited Julie, 68 yrs old, cuddling with her fiance (first marriage for her), playing online Yahtzee, in her tiny apartment, and their love was strong, and the place holy. 

Aunt Marilyn's house was next, and even being multi-generational full, pets included, they were all happy, the dogs friendly, and the conversation genuine. Holy. 

We visited three cemetaries, and although I don't "feel" my people in these spaces, I honor these grounds for holding their physical'ness, for marking their spots with their names and those of their posterity. A holy place. 

My cousin's graveside service was tender, and of course, always there for the living. In a circle with cousins after Amen, we shared real talk, Idaho talk, and ask questions that one can only ask and answer in a safe holy space. And lunch, with family I see so infrequently, yet recognize as mine, again caring conversation and laughter with people who are mine, where holiness and sacred talk stays there, because the meaning lies in that setting, too sacred to take elsewhere. Holy space and place. 

On the drive home that Saturday afternoon, while conversing with my sister, I heard, "You are standing in a holy space." Uninterrupted, unfiltered time with my sister, conversation that moved from light to deep to children to parents to art to work, to secular to sacred. Holy indeed. 

For me any space, when occupied by those who are also witnessing the holiness, can be sacred. And I am always grateful to be blessed in these holy places. 

Names on the back of my parents' grave marker - we are the next-in-line. 

Aunt Carrol and Cousins

Loving the Lesser - A Year Retired -

 Happy one year of "retirement" anniversary, and with that has come a year of reflection, reevaluation, remembering, and a butt-load of other "re's" that have truly helped me heal and move forward. 

First and foremost - I am not retired! I did retire from Intermountain Health as a healthcare chaplain, and yet I'm working about 3 days a week with my counseling practice, which I love. This was my intention all along; however, I think when many of us hear "retirement" we think of no longer bringing in an income, no longer working. I can't imagine not having my practice - some way to bring in income, of course, moreso as a way to continue to reach outside of myself, help others, and interact with others. My Pastoral Counselor certification has served me well in this adventure. I love what I do. Wren House is going strong, something of my own. 

And I've spent this past year healing - not necessarily from strictly work stress, but from thirty+ years of "go, be, do" seldom making time to reflect. Always moving forward, never looking back, and now, suddenly having the time to do so. I stopped with my 50 hour a week push, and all of my past came slamming into me. I have chosen to turn around, look at so much of this unaddressed trauma, change, "mission, vision, purpose, value," of my lives and acknowledge them. 

What does this mean? From getting married at 2 weeks 19, to rearing children, to living in Alabama, moving back to Utah, getting my higher education - and the huge commitment that was, reflecting on loss, transition, divorce, remarriage, careers, deaths, family - parents and parenting, siblings, friends, community, all the tangible things. Along with the intangible - identity, voice, spirituality, beliefs, perspectives, perceptions, value, intention, talent, love, vulnerability, compassion, regrets, questions. Spending time being, rather than doing, and doing so intentionally, has been my focus - taking these slow, resolving my weaknesses and my strengths, inhaling and embracing all of me, and deciding how to proceed. Reaching out to that tangled past and reaching in to the places and spaces it will call home. 

When I retired I made a decision that I would not take on anything new, or do anything radical, for this first year (something I highly recommend anyone who has had a loss, of any sort, do). I haven't needed anything new on my plate until I've resolved what has been unresolved. Or better yet - learning to love my shadows while also learning to love my light. 

(I just shared with my sister - processing, and then putting that into words, is exhausting. Being is so much more work than doing. And yet I'm finding great comfort in sitting with. I am grateful for the
processing time, and for the writing process.)

And while I could write a post about each of these paragraphs, each of these items, it is this poem by Rosemerry Wahtola Trommer, that hit me hard and speaks to this past year's work, truly, my focus of these past 12 months; to love the exiled parts of me, and in doing so, to love me. 

Loving Our Exiled Parts

I’m sorry. I thought banishing you   
was the way to become better,   
more perfect, more good, more free.   
The irony: I thought if I cut you off  
and cast you out, if I built the walls  
high enough, then the parts left would be   
more whole. As if the sweet orange   
doesn’t need the toughened rind,   
the bitter seed. As if the forest  
doesn’t need the blue fury of fire.   
It didn’t work, did it, the exile?   
You were always here, jangling  
the hinges, banging at the door,  
whispering through the cracks.   
Left to myself, I wouldn’t have known   
to take down the walls,   
nor would I have had the strength to do so.  
That act was grace disguised as disaster.   
But now that the walls are rubble,  
it is also grace that teaches me to want  
to embrace you, grace that guides me   
to be gentle, even with the part of me   
that would still try to exile any other part.   
It is grace that invites me   
to name all parts beloved.  
How honest it all is. How human.   
I promise to keep learning how  

to know you as my own, to practice  
opening to what at first feels unwanted,  
meet it with understanding,  
trust all belongs, welcome you home.  

Ted Lasso and Throwing Darts -

Recently watched the Apple TV Series Ted Lasso for a second time, this scene for the bazillionth time. It's amazing all the goodies that can be found in this series. 

Below is one of my most favorite scenes with one of the many lessons Lasso teaches. 

Be curious my friends, be curious. 

Don't Get Too Close - Professional Boundaries -

Keep your distance, don't share too much of you, it's about them/the material, not you, and on it goes. For the past 30 years I've kept my professional distance from students and patients, and because I have been the lone wolf at the University and at the Hospital, I have not had colleagues. So I've been swimming in this sea of "Don't get too close," for a long long time. 

When I first began teaching I loved my students; I wanted to invite all of them home for Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, or even the weekend. I even invited them into my home to watch a couple of course reelvant movies each semester, until one day I was told that off-campus activities were prohibited. I realized I couldn't take care of them all, and I had my favorites - those who took more than one class, those who wanted to learn and didn't have any support, those from out of state without families nearby, those struggling financially. Those in the midst of a divorce, those struggling with addictions, with identity in a culture that told them who they were and what they were doing. 

The University culture did that to me too - this is who you are, this is what you do, this is who you aren't, thos is what you don't do. And I stepped back from my students, separated myself from them, in the name of professional distance. 

And yet - as an adjunct instructor, I wasn't given opportunities to mix and mingle and friendship full-time professors. In some ways adjunct instructors are looked at as a pariah, teaching when full-time instructors should be, taking jobs away. So, keep my professional distance. 

As I moved into the healthcare this same "distance principle" was taught, but to even a stronger degree - HIPAA. And as chaplain, well, few colleagues, with even fewer people who even understand who and what a chaplain is. I'm not a nurse, a physician, an LCSW, rather . . . well, truthfully, no one really understood, particularly because I couldn't perform LDS rituals in an LDS predominant facility. 

No colleagues here to commiserate with or share with; patients and their families typically only one to three visits, then either home or death. And those I did connect with, well, I think of those over the years where we did have a connection - perhaps six are still alive, still dealing with their ailments and diseases. I stay in touch with five of them, after having waited that official year, and having them reach out to me. 

That professional distance applies to myself and my association with others. I'm an introvert, and my areas of study - folklore and chaplaincy, have provided me with opportunities to get to know others, their stories, their ways of life, their beliefs, their interpretations, their journeys. And it's been ingrained in my that I'm on the path with them and their journey for a short time, so, "don't get too close, and don't share your story." 

It's a rare moment when I do share bits of me, and I think three times before speaking or sharing. I'm better at receiving stories and people and holding them gently, rather than asking anyone to take time to hear me. 

Sadly, this attitude has bled into my personal life. I will admit that I've allowed other family members speaking space rather than speaking-up. I've protected others stories rather than shared mine. My children and grandchildren know little of my life, although they've certainly told themselves a story, and I slap myself for that, often even wondering if they would care about me, about my past, about my life, about my thoughts. 

Now with my own counseling practice, Wren House, I find it a little easier to share bits of my life when applicable, yet the "don't get too close" mandate applies here moreso than any other time in my professional life, I'm on their journey for a moment. 

Professional bounderies have their place, they are protection, yet dropping those for intimate relationships, for heart-to-heart sharing, for friendships, is difficult. "Ronda, I need a counselor, can you talk?" "Ma, I need Ma the counselor, not Mom, right now." "Ronda, can you take your teacher hat off and just be with me?" There are times when I'm not sure how to do Ronda! 

This past few weeks my mantra has been, "Who loves me?" And when I reach out of my soul to find people I love, or who I think should love me, I quickly refocus on me, my heart, my soul, and feel the love of those who love me, those who dare bridge that professional distance and know me and love me. I've made a list, so that when I feel like I am giving to others and have no one for myself, I can find those people, who want nothing from me other than me, and receive their love. Closeness - communication increases vulnerability, increases safety, increases intimacy, increases communication. 

I'll save that for another post. 

Something to think about -

For most of my life my value has been determined by whom I belong to and what I do. 

For instance: Tyler and Jenna's mom; Scott's wife, a daughter of Gods; a chaplain, a professor, a gardener. 

I'm a possession and I'm possessed. 

And yet - is that how I define myself? 

Meal Time - My Super-star Dinner Hack -

 My granddaughter, Sam, reached out this week asking for meal suggestions that are gluten and dairy free. Interestingly, I read her email as I was preparing this meal, my weekly quick healthy go-to that hits her requirements as well as being vegetarian if desired. 

I like to call these Power Bowls, yet in the 70s, 80s, and perhaps even today some may call them casseroles, and by adding liquid, they could be soup, and by placing on a bed of a variety of lettuces, a salad! 

So here's how I make these Power Bowls in less than 30 minutes, and it's easy to cook extra for leftovers: 

1. Rice, quinoa, or pasta - cooked. 

I use the microwaveable bags of rice (any type will do) or I even cook an entire bag of rice, rice blend, quinoa, then put it in sandwich-size ziplock bags and freeze, microwaving them when I need them.

I rarely use pasta, but I do use coucous or orzo on occasion.

2. Vegetables - stir-fried. 

The veggies I use depend on what's in my refrigerator and what is appealing to my taste at the time. Some combos are: zucchini, green pepper, onion; green onion or leek, broccoli, cauliflower; cabbage, onion, mushrooms, asparagus, diced carrots, diced sweet potatoes, diced squash, or whatever else you'd like to add; I oftten add spinach just before I serve the meal. I dice these into small bite-sized pieces, and saute them with some olive oil and an occasional spritz of sesame seed oil if I want an Asian or Thai flavor. You can also buy already diced veggies at TJ's and half the work is done (they are typically seasoned with fresh herbs). 

3. Seasonings

I like to decide if this is going to be French, Italian, Mexican, or all-American, and add seasonings to fit the desired taste; I always add garlic or garlic salt, (often add some chicken bouillon to the rice). I add these to the veggies as I stir-fry or saute them. 

4. Meat 

I'm not an avid meat eater, and yet I will add: diced apple/turkey or Italian sausages from Trader Joes,  small ready-cooked packages of chicken from Costco, shredded or diced chicken from a previous meal, or small diced pieces of ham, you could likewise add a ground meat. I put this in its own bowl for serving at the table. 

5. Decorations! 

I like to top the bowls with Trader Joe's Curry, a Teriyaki or Soyaki sauce, fresh Pico or canned salsa, again, depending on the flavor I'm after, and used at the table (although Scott swears by Chik-fil-a sauce). 

Pumpkin seeds, peanuts, diced fresh tomatoes, cilantro, basil, parsley, finely shredded cabbage (raw), cheese, crushed corn chips, all add texture and a distinct flavor to the dish. 

Here's what the final bowls look like - 

Ronda's with Yellow Curry

Scott's with Chik-fil-a sauce

Power in a bowl - low in fat, high in protein, healthy carbs, filling, with lots of textures and flavors. Enjoy! 

World Cancer Day -

Every once in awhile (well, daily), it's good to remember, and to count blessings.