During my 4th week of chemo (2nd treatment) I went to dinner
with 2 friends. I clearly remember telling them, "I hope I hurry and learn
all I need to from this cancer journey, so I don't have to learn it again. I
need to be as focused on this process as possible." And both of my friends
saying, "I think your cancer and treatment will be something you'll
continue to learn from, long after the treatments are finished." A light
bulb went on in my head, and I knew they were speaking the truth. While my
cancer treatment was the sprint, my cancer healing and learning is the marathon.
After reading Lynn Folkman's blog post this past week (http://livingbeyondbc.wordpress.com/2014/03/31/blog-back-healing-and-embracing-change-after-breast-cancer)
and her comment about healing being an ongoing process, I realized I am not the
only one who feels this way, what a relief! The only difference is that Lynn is
5 years out, and I'm 9 months. However, I certainly am not the same person as
before my diagnosis.
Differences? Well, I do get tired more easily. I've learned
to honor that feeling and act on it. In the past I pushed and pushed, knowing
that I could push past my limits and succeed. Now I know that if I push I will
fall, so I try to not run faster than I can walk. I am learning to go to bed
early, to relish the times I can sleep in, and to not feel guilty about needing
a nap or saying "no." Yesterday afternoon I had lunch on my front
porch, leaned back to soak in the sun and fell asleep. Hurray!
I cannot multi-task anymore. On our trip to Hawaii in March
I was rushing to check voice messages, get into the store, listen to my
husband, and think about what I needed to purchase, all at once. We hurried
through the store, walked into the parking lot, I looked into my purse for the
car keys (to the rental car we had to have back to the airport a half hour
later), and I couldn't find them. I immediately knew where they were - on the
seat of the car - the locked car. We were able to get help and make it to the
airport on time, but I can no longer do more than one thing at a time,
particularly if I want to be effective at any of the things I'm attempting to
do. This is an extreme example, but I see my lack of multi-tasking skills
significantly diminished.
I am prone to anxiety. Too many questions, too much pressure
to perform, and too much on my plate set me off. I get a headache, feel as if
the walls are closing in on me, I feel confused, and I just want to run away
from the stimuli around me. I am learning to stop, take a deep breath, and
either focus on one item or walk away for a few moments, while I sort through
things. This past year I've taken to keeping the radio off in the car and
focusing on my surroundings. This has kept my anxiety at bay as well as allowed
me to refocus. Practicing mindfulness and making time to meditate have been
good tools to keep that anxiety at bay.
I forget. This is the biggest issue for me these days. Often
I cannot remember what I did or said 4 hours or 24 hours ago. If I don't make a
concerted effort to remember to remember, then I don't. This is basically my
short-term memory. Often I forget what I'm going to say and then remember
shortly after forgetting. If I don't quickly say what I was thinking, or do
something physical (jot it down, use my fingers are a reminder) I'll forget
again. I forget my purse walking from my house to the car, not noticing until I
need it. I forget words - and cannot find them - not on the tip of my tongue or
in the filing cabinet in my mind. I went to a workshop 2 weeks ago, came home,
and 24 hours later could not remember anything about the day! Thank heaven I
took notes!
Now these are the "bad" side-effects of cancer
treatment. My doctor told me to consider my chemo brain and lack of energy to
be similar to someone suffering from a traumatic brain injury and to treat this
time and the healing process as such. So I do brain games (think Luminosity), I
read a variety of material, I am sewing and crafting, I spend time writing, and
most of all, I am learning to spend time "being" - to make time to do
absolutely nothing. This tends to be the best time for me to heal.
The good news next post!
This is my "Trust" and "Titanic" series - ha!
No comments:
Post a Comment
Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.