Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Third Step -

AA's 3rd step has been a blind spot for me for years. "We made a decision to turn our wills and our lives over to the care of God." Every time I think, "I've got it," I don't, and my inability glares at me.

I had some trauma this spring, for the most part it's cancer anniversary trauma - where would I be if it wasn't for cancer, why aren't I "there" yet, and what it in hell happened and is happening and will happen to me!

So I decided in April that I'd turn things over to God. No teaching for the summer means no paycheck. I quit Cirque, couldn't handle the stress and anxiety that came with this job - although I loved the clients. Another paycheck gone. So, "Hey God, I'm turning it over to you." And then the biggest insult happened - my hours at the hospital were cut. And I had nothing to fall back on. NO JOBS, NO PAYCHECK, NADA. I considered scrambling to catch a summer term class at UVU, but I really figured it was now or never to fully implement this step, and once my panic wore off, I really sank into the routine of finding good in the every day.

One of my bestest friends in the entire world, and a dear woman who was my college professor, who gave me words, was down with a creepy busted up leg. And I had time to visit her - to have lunch with her, without watching the clock and thinking about "obligations."

Tyler and Meili had baby Asher. And I had time to care for kids, have sleepovers, play, without watching time.

Dad's surgery and complications. And I had time to care.

Isn't that awful - I had to have the financial rug pulled out from under me to find time to care? So not me - but the anxiety of go go go and make up for lost time had taken hold. And yet with the letting go, the shackles of this disappeared. When I let go, they let go.

And I KNEW, I KNEW that when the time was right, when I had learned to put caring for myself and others at the top of my list, when I had learned, and could practice, "Don't Worry, Be Happy," jobs, money, finances, would be there.

So I enjoyed my summer, thoroughly. I enjoyed my Idaho time, time with my children and grandchildren, time with my parents and siblings, and time with me and time with Scott. I picked up some editing, our house was booked, through AirBnB (, the entire summer. We had some income that kept us floating. We gardened, enjoyed the local, visiting places nearby that have been on our list for years. And our savings - we were able to make our Idaho trips.

Living in the moment has always been tough for me. But this summer has been spectacular. I realized that not having control can be scary, but when mixed with having faith - well, mountains can be moved.

And the day after my self-realism crisis, in Idaho, I received 3 phone calls - all about job possibilities. And not just any job, but all 3 were chaplaining positions. I had options - in the area of my dreams. Go figure.

I am learning! I am. Ronda's 3rd step - "Have the will to turn my will over to my Higher Power."

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