Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Third Step -

AA's 3rd step has been a blind spot for me for years. "We made a decision to turn our wills and our lives over to the care of God." Every time I think, "I've got it," I don't, and my inability glares at me.

I had some trauma this spring, for the most part it's cancer anniversary trauma - where would I be if it wasn't for cancer, why aren't I "there" yet, and what it in hell happened and is happening and will happen to me!

So I decided in April that I'd turn things over to God. No teaching for the summer means no paycheck. I quit Cirque, couldn't handle the stress and anxiety that came with this job - although I loved the clients. Another paycheck gone. So, "Hey God, I'm turning it over to you." And then the biggest insult happened - my hours at the hospital were cut. And I had nothing to fall back on. NO JOBS, NO PAYCHECK, NADA. I considered scrambling to catch a summer term class at UVU, but I really figured it was now or never to fully implement this step, and once my panic wore off, I really sank into the routine of finding good in the every day.

One of my bestest friends in the entire world, and a dear woman who was my college professor, who gave me words, was down with a creepy busted up leg. And I had time to visit her - to have lunch with her, without watching the clock and thinking about "obligations."

Tyler and Meili had baby Asher. And I had time to care for kids, have sleepovers, play, without watching time.

Dad's surgery and complications. And I had time to care.

Isn't that awful - I had to have the financial rug pulled out from under me to find time to care? So not me - but the anxiety of go go go and make up for lost time had taken hold. And yet with the letting go, the shackles of this disappeared. When I let go, they let go.

And I KNEW, I KNEW that when the time was right, when I had learned to put caring for myself and others at the top of my list, when I had learned, and could practice, "Don't Worry, Be Happy," jobs, money, finances, would be there.

So I enjoyed my summer, thoroughly. I enjoyed my Idaho time, time with my children and grandchildren, time with my parents and siblings, and time with me and time with Scott. I picked up some editing, our house was booked, through AirBnB (https://www.airbnb.com/rooms/2405513?guests=1&s=bpPcjfGE), the entire summer. We had some income that kept us floating. We gardened, enjoyed the local, visiting places nearby that have been on our list for years. And our savings - we were able to make our Idaho trips.

Living in the moment has always been tough for me. But this summer has been spectacular. I realized that not having control can be scary, but when mixed with having faith - well, mountains can be moved.

And the day after my self-realism crisis, in Idaho, I received 3 phone calls - all about job possibilities. And not just any job, but all 3 were chaplaining positions. I had options - in the area of my dreams. Go figure.

I am learning! I am. Ronda's 3rd step - "Have the will to turn my will over to my Higher Power."


http://www.michellecross.co.uk/step-into-the-unknown/


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