Brene Brown - Braving The Wilderness -

I began reading this book today; Brown is telling MY story - from her drill team story to her BRAVING acronym, she is reminding me to own my story, speak my truth, and be comfortable in my own skin. At 61!

I'm mostly okay with standing on my own, yet there is a part of me that has always longed to belong. One of my first memories of the need to belong is when I wrote a letter to my babysitter asking her if she'd be my big sister. ;( And when she left for college, I wrote another; I think I wrote 3 letters to 3 older girls, because I needed an older sister, I needed to belong to someone.

And I didn't make drill team, and I never tried out for another team, and I seldom did anything where I would fail or not be included, which meant I have been a loner most of my life, even picking lone professions - young married - didn't have to go to college or risk rejection later, older college student, mother of "only" 2, folklorist (not a lot of competition for this profession), yet then an adjunct professor - so I didn't have to mingle or compete with "real" professors, at-home online education developer, and female healthcare chaplain. Oh, and even my cancer-type made me a lone-wolf.

So as I'm reading Brown, I'm thinking about the times I've wanted to belong, the times I've belonged, and why I have chosen to not belong. I'm pretty sure it's the independent "I do it myself" Idahoan in me, as well as that fear of rejection. If I stand away from the crowd, I don't belong, but I won't be pushed out of the circle either.

However, one thing Brown has mentioned (I'm only on page 39), is that "Trusting myself or other people is a vulnerable and courageous process." And I do think I'm pretty good at belonging to myself, being vulnerable with myself, even being courageous with my own story. Yet I do think I allow myself to be broken upon occasion, or taken advantage of, because I do want to belong, I do want to fit in. I appreciate when Brown shares her story about choosing to wear her jeans and clogs to a speaking event rather than business attire - and in being true to herself, and showing up, she was authentic, brave, belonging to herself.

Brown writes, "I said to Steve (her husband), 'I've lived my entire life on the outside. It's so hard. Sometimes our house is the only place I don't feel totally alone." And I get this; I understand this feeling, this outlier, this make the road less traveled (not take), and be fearless (at least in public) and come home to rest and feel safe.

She writes,

True belonging requires us to believe in and belong to ourselves so fully that we can find sacredness in both being a part of something, and standing alone when necessary. But in a culture that’s rife with perfectionism and pleasing, and with the erosion of civility, it’s easy to stay quiet, hide in our ideological bunkers, or fit in rather than show up as our true selves and brave the wilderness of uncertainty and criticism.

The wilderness is an untamed, unpredictable place of solitude and searching. It is a place as dangerous as it is breathtaking, a place as sought after as it is feared. But it turns out to be the place of true belonging, and it’s the bravest and most sacred place you will ever stand.

More to come -