It Takes A Village - Aging Parents -

We all have heard, over and over again, about the importance of a community in rearing a child. I'd like to extend that thought to rearing aging parents. 

Over the past 6 years (and 12 before that), I have been a member of the village caring for aging parents. Scott and I married 17 years ago. He had moved into his parents' home 2 years prior to care for his aging parents. I moved in with my folks shortly after my divorce 17 years ago. Scott and I purchased the home next to my parents, across from his parents, to help care for our aging parents, 15 years ago. So yes, I can write a book on this. 

The past 10 years have been the years of the most need for our parents - 

• Scott's mother's physical and mental health, and then her death. Scott's father's ever-increasing mental health decline, and his death. And then the tumultuous work in dealing with their estate - everything from art to life insurance to dejunking a home and selling it. As well as the turmoil of finding a happy medium with Scott's siblings as they did everything not-together and facing the repercussions of that. Dismal at best - the village never learned how to be neighbors. 

• And then as quick as Scott's parents passed and the estate somewhat settled, my parents took their turn. Dad's aging and his physical health decline and the toll his demands took on my mother and Scott and I. His death, and then Mom's mental health decline. And moving Mom to my sister's, all the work that has taken. And now, dejunking and distributing (or storing) 45 years of living and gathering in a home, and getting it ready to share with a niece, continuing to keep it in the family, as well as trying to help Mom understand and re-understand all of this. Thankfully, the village has been extremely neighborly, even in our differences, we have found center. 

I often feel as if Scott and I have been the Primary Caregivers for most of these years, and I have to remind myself this has been a choice, yet we've had to be diplomatic in doing so, and often we've had to remove ourselves from "ownership," as we've listened to siblings tell us what to do, or what we should be doing differently. It's hard to understand what caregiving of someone aging encompasses, until you've been there. Aging isn't pretty, and the memories we have of our aging parents doesn't always compute into what's present. 

And so here we are, moving to a different phase of our village - the Walker home is nearly ready to be occupied by my niece and her family, Mom is nearly settled in her space at my sister's, and the siblings who've been so involved in making this come to fruition are nearly exhausted. 

Our roles are going to change again - child, to adult child, to adult, to caregiver . . . 

I'm sure I'll write more as I have energy; right now I'm looking forward to a long weekend; doing my best to not use my time-off (for the first time since August) to work on sorting/sentimentalizing/saving/clearing and cleaning the family home (interestingly, not the home I grew up in). I have a project ready and several movies queued, so I won't be pulled eastward to do just a little more. 

And - this is one of the hardest things I've ever done. Emotionally and physically exhausting. I have created companies, been an advocate for the arts communities, I have been a point person for businesses, I have managed companies, I have created courses, I am the oldest child, I am a step-parent, a parent, and being a daughter of an aging parent and all that encompasses is tough. I don't think I'll be running for mayor any time soon. 

The Walker Village: 

    7 children - 4 near, 3 from afar

    Spouses - 4 who have been phenomenal front-line and behind-the-lines

    Primarily 3 grandchildren and 12 great-grandchildren

    1 grand-daughter and her family who will be moving into the home

    1 sister