Time Will Tell - Whose Truth -

 I have trust issues. Many years ago someone told me, "Just slide down the hill, and I'll be at the bottom to catch you." And I did, and he didn't, and I hurt - was broken, and well, that reinforced years of doubting myself, doubting others, and realizing that I couldn't trust him, and in turn, couldn't trust myself. 

Mind you, that wasn't the first time, nor was it the last. Throughout my life there have been times when I've chosen to trust and trusting has had spectacular outcomes - including the time I chose to trust nearly 18 years ago. And other times, not so much. 

The past few months have been tumultuous times. 2020 was really a lovely year for me, yet with 2021, I've seen angst like no other. And it really comes down to trusting myself to trust others. 

How do I do that? Do I open my door just a crack, do I swing the door wide open, it's really about how vulnerable I want to be - at the time, and weighing and measuring the costs/benefits. There have been a couple of times lately when I've been blindsided, so even having a choice as to how far to open the door hasn't been there. 

I try to be rational, attempt to "assume good intent," but at what cost? How much do I hold inside, keep to myself, and tally the losses, or - choose to not trust - can I be vulnerable and still withhold? 

The past week I decided to trust - to be vulnerable. And Brene Brown has done such a good job about sharing the benefits of vulnerability, but what I want to know is this - how do I begin? How do I "give of myself" while also protecting myself? How do I allow others in, when I don't even know how to allow myself in? 

I do know time heals, and I do know there's not a lot of benefit to bringing up the past, yet even saying this is remembering, and remembering creates just enough fear to choose to stay inside, with the door closed. 

Brown says, "Vulnerability takes courage." I say - being courageous takes energy that only trusting can bring. It's cyclical, and being brave enough to show up, to be myself, regardless of the cost, is tough - takes work and takes energy. 

Time will tell - 

From my friend - JGEngland