Siblings and Life and Death and After -

Six weeks ago my mother passed away, 

at my home, in my library. 

The last few days of her life

 she was surrounded by family. 

And with that phrase I begin my list of the positives of having a loved one die. 

Mom loved having her children around her, and her last days fulfilled that desire; she was encompassed, enclosed, encircled with family. Every single moment; she was never alone from Friday evening when we brought her to my home until Saturday afternoon when she was laid in the ground, and then she was adjacent to Dad, to her in-laws.

Upon moving in to the Beehive Home where she lived her last year of life, she had, what my brother called a "Moment of Lucidity," and sent out a text to all of her children: "Why do I have to live here when you all have room for me and you are all good cooks." That moment quickly passed, yet it was a window into her dementia-connected frustration as well as her deepest desire. Company and Food, two elements in Mom's life she needed. Mom did not like being alone. Mom was not alone. 

Mom loved family dinners, reunions, celebrations, even if they put everyone out, having to rearrange schedules to make her guilt-trip work. These really were good times, and her insistence made her the worrier, listener, dinner-maker, party-planner, and damn stubborn - she would not allow anyone to step into her role, saying "Don't put me out to pasture." We all learned ways to unload some of this, while making Mom think she was still in control. 

Hence - 

I brought Mom home, my home became the gathering place, and there was not a single moment when Mom was alone. And with my kitchen under construction, we all were semi-forced into being right there with her; there was no kitchen for anyone to retreat to; and this is miraculous, really really the only blessing that came from my kitchen being 3 months behind schedule. 

We planned her funeral, figured out meals and transportation, called those who could not be there, and we had generations and genders together in deep personal intimate ways. We cried together, ate together, laughed together, told stories together, planned together, sat together. And not a single tense moment -  because for all of our lives we had learned how to be together, and together in tiny spaces. Thank you Mom, and Dad. 

After Mom's service we had a meal together, and then we quickly retreated to my home, again. We began in the family room, moved to the deck, hugged and cuddled and laughed and cried and asked questions and hypothesized answers and discussed dynamics and how we got to where we are and what if's and supported each other, again all generations and genders, and loved every moment. 

Our weaving of these last six years, since Dad passed away, and to a major extent years before, we have become pro's - we have learned all roles; no one was in charge, we know our strengths and weaknesses without having to point them out or discuss them. 

And just this last week, without a mother to "direct" us, we began planning our sibling reunion for next summer. We're stuck with each other, and I kinda like that.