If We Could Have, Would We Have -

Typically I use semi-decent searchable titles for my posts, yet for this one, I could not come up with one that fit what I am wanting to say. 

Last Saturday, going through all of the cards, notes, photos, and newspaper clippings my mom has saved, I stumbled upon a photo from an employee album and two clippings from the local Rigby Star. The first, a picture of my very first boyfriend, David T at Macks Inn the summer of 1975, and so very very seductive. The second, two short articles and photos of the missionaries serving in Rigby in 1970 and 1971. These missionaries were cute, friendly, and so mature! Scott served in the same mission, during this same time, knowing two of the missionaries. 

About eleven years ago, I reconnected with Dave who was living in Alaska at the time, and he and Scott and I had a sweet tender breakfast at the Anchorage Airport. Since then we've kept in semi-touch, seeing each other a few times, particularly at both of my parents' funerals. 

After reading this beautiful post on Cup of Jo, I began to wonder if I had met Scott when we were at appropriate ages (time-travel?), would he have been my first boyfriend. 

He and Dave actually have many things in common (or at least the Dave I think I know). Very good -looking with just a touch of nonchalance. Troubled - ready to fight at the drop of look, and just a little volatile. Generous - going out of their way to be kind to others, just because. Hard workers - both having jobs in their teens and working every day since. Suave - know how to get the girl, not sure how to keep the woman. Good looking, great hair, athletic build. Romantic - not in the gift-giving, creative way, but in the soft, gentle, tender, care-for-you way. Athletic - their good looks and ability to drink and still stand got in the way of them being team players. Awkward - just enough to be interesting yet also label them as outsiders. Stubborn - living life on their terms with only small adjustments to those around them. 

And, like most things in the real world, I married neither at 19. I married someone so unlike my desires - he was safe, conservative, non-confrontational, simple, calm. 

I did end up with the love of my life, and yet it hasn't been easy, for all the reasons I'm attracted to him. And for many of those reasons, Dave is alone, again. He came to my mom's burial two months ago. We chatted for only a moment, before I had to be involved in the service. I watched him at the same time as I watched Scott (and for similar reasons - make sure they're ok, safe, feeling appreciated for their efforts). However, Dave stood outside of the crowd, all alone. Sad. Looked unwell. Didn't socialize. And by the time I could step away to visit (and I knew this would be an intense visit), he was gone. 

Later I learned that Dave was recently divorced (again, same wife), had moved away from the city he and his wife lived for many years, away from the people he knew and loved, back to "home," where honestly, reliving the past is not the best thing to do, even if living in the past feels safe. 

I ended my short stay in Idaho with a little regret that I didn't talk with Dave, that I wasn't able to console him, give him comfort, reassurance, help him feel as if he belonged, let him know he was safe, loved. But I didn't. I could call him, talk, stir up old old wounds and newer wounds, yet, I cannot turn back time, make anything better. 

At what point does time-travel become a reality? For me, this happened 19 years ago, when I met Scott, and he was the literal man of my dreams - the one I saw myself growing old with, and the one, interestingly enough, who brought a little touch of Dave with him. 

William Somerset Maughan wrote, "We are not the same persons this year as last; nor are those we love. It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person." 

I certainly have changed, Dave has changed, Scott has changed, and I do, I do love both. 

I wish I had met you sooner, 

So I could love you longer.