Liminality -

Betwixt and Between

Between a rock and a hard space

Pregnancy

Vacation

Summer

Death

Weddings

Illness

Reunions

Building or remodeling a house

Waiting . . . and Waiting

The first year of grieving

My example is this - standing in a door frame with one foot in one room, the other foot in another room - which room are you in? Neither? Both? 

These are all Liminal times - and during this time, we live in Liminality, or a liminal space. This is a time out of time - when out-of-the-ordinary things take place and where we enter as one person and come out changed. Liminal times can't last forever, they are an intermission, a pause, a wait-for-it-time. Liminal times are also times of watching and waiting before making major decisions, or they are times of major decision-making - where transformations happen. 

As much as I need vacations, summer, breaks, I need routine, and liminality, although I strive for some sense of  "normalcy" even when on vacation - meal routines, calling the vacation spot "home." And yet I do things out of  the ordinary during this time - music, food, exercise, clothing, purchases (although I always purchase a piece of jewelry and an article of clothing, which makes the routine, kinda). 

This has been my summer, and to a large degree, the past 2.5 years. With this explanation - I have craved routine while having no desire for routine. And most of the plans I had made for this summer have dissolved - absolutely no energy or desire to act on them. In many ways I've experienced liminal space in the middle of liminal space - deeper than I've ever been - a hole within a hole, and I've had a difficult time identifying any of this. 

My other-daughter, Diana, said this: In life when we experience something that we've invested a lot of time, energy, we push through, and physically and mentally give it all that we have, and often that turns into just getting by or through, and then when that time is over, we are physically and mentally and emotionally exhausted, without necessarily identifying any of this. And - sometimes, after a liminal time that's not terribly rewarding, we are stagnate, numb, and not terribly emotionally available - which can also be described as trauma and the after affects of this event. 

And this is where I've found myself - at a loss for words, not wanting to even find words, isolating or preferring solitude over groups of people, needing time to process - which means time with my people/family who are processing similarly. 

Yet, interestingly, I've had some time to make some changes, do some things that have been in the way back of my mind - the oddest things that have come to the front of my mind:

No more gel nails (been doing this for 7 years, and I'm over it)

Ingrown toenail fixed

Hearing aids

Financial planning and banking redo

TV on the deck

Sex

Self-enlightenment journey

Purchased e-bikes

Listening to live music

And of course - remodeling our home

I have the feeling this liminality is not finished, and I'm having to be ok with this - different than my cancer journey, yet nonetheless, I'm sitting with these emotions, this solitude, this quirky time when I'm functioning yet not-functioning. Owning my story, but not feeling the need to explain or justify. One foot in one room, the other foot in another room. Or better yet - standing in the threshold, with the opportunity/option to move between two worlds right now - 

In the meantime - the clouds have been amazing this spring, summer, fall. And looking up is good!