Not My Barbecue - Balance and Boundaries -

Several years ago my son-in-law was in a terrible accident that left him in the hospital for two months. This was life-threatening, and while I won't go into details here, he is alive and thriving. 

His healthcare was amazing, providers wonderful. There was one therapist in the Burn Unit who took a special interest in Jenna and Cliff, seeing them frequently, and giving them tips for maneuvering a new life. One of her most profound teachings was about boundaries. 

Last week I was visiting with a palliative care patient's wife. She works full-time, takes care of a energetic teen, runs the household life, and cares for her demanding husband. She said, "I've been all-right - just trying to balance things." And she continues with, "And self-care, I'm walking, but everyone sees this as 'interrupt me time,' and I am pulled away from not only walking, but any type of thing I want to do for myself." She concluded with, "Well, except for going to the grocery store. No one wants to go grocery shopping with me. In fact, I've been a few times, not to buy anything, but just to get away." 

My response to her was, "Balance and Boundaries are two of the most difficult characteristics to develop and sustain." 

And I should know! Boundaries - I do pretty good at not letting others lives become my responsibility (that's caregiver survival here at the hospital), and I  seldom have a problem saying, "no." 

However, Balance, that's a whole other story, and I'm touching on that here. 

Back to my SIL. This therapist was amazing, and if the only lesson I took home from supporting my daughter and her husband during this horrible time, is this, then I left the winner. 

Ann G Cook, LCSW, at the University of Utah, had this to say about boundaries, when seeing something that you want/should/could/need/might be a part of, or be involved in, and yet you are fully aware that you shouldn't, Ann stated, "My husband and I have this saying, 'Not my barbecue.'" Then walk away, without guilt or grief or remorse. End of discussion, no looking back. 

This phrase has been my go-to since that time, nearly 15 years ago. And I've heard several others that work similarly: 

Not my ministry

I'm not on that committee

Not my circus, not my monkey

Not my pig, not my farm

I'm not accepting new assignments at this time

Oh, that's for another "Ronda"

I don't have a horse in that race

That's outside my wheelhouse.

I read a story in today's news about a man who looked out his window and saw four teenager boys pushing each other around and yelling. He left his house, went to the park, and attempted to break up the fight. This resulted in serious injury to him, and the arrest of 4 teens. Noble gesture, but what if, just what if he hadn't gotten involved? What if he said, "I don't have a horse in that race"?

My sweet husband hates injustice; this past month, while in Hawaii, there were three men in their 30s yelling at each other and pushing each other. My 73 year old husband wanted to go break up this fight! I hollered, "Scott, this is not your barbecue; stop." 

I have a colleague who has been subtly bullied by another colleague - in my mind the worst on-the-job abuse that can happen. In fact, it's the same person I've written a wee bit about over the past couple of years. Well, another colleague felt the sting of her words this week, and has lost hours of sleep trying to make sense of the manipulation. Today we talked about emotional preservation and boundaries - not buying in to her words, allowing them to bounce off the boundary she/we have set. 

Pick an above phrase, and make it your mantra! 

These are heavy scenarios, yet "Not my barbecue" helps in my every day'ness. "Whose car is at Mom's?" Not my BBQ. "What are they thinking spending all that money on a ...?" Not my BBQ. "Damn guy cut me off." Not my BBQ.  "Somebody should . . ." Not my BBQ. "I'm worried about . . . " Not my BBQ. You get it! 

Often choosing to not own someone else's actions and behaviors is the best thing to do. Not having a horse in the race, not being on that committee, not a part of your ministry, can be so very freeing. 

And with not owning, there is emotional and physical availability, that comes with stepping back, stepping aside, getting out of the way of someone else's story. 

Thanks, Ann G Cook, for teaching me about barbecues! 

And speaking of barbecues - this!