Merry Christmas to You!

What a year! And yet, what a year! 

Decided to remodel the kitchen, which turned into repainting and refinishing the entire upstairs and remodeling the bathroom as well. Began the job on Feb. 12, with the promise it would be finished by May 5. Biggest discovery - behind the double-wall ovens, a closet! Now we have a pantry in that space. Awww, so very nice. 

In February spent a few days in St. George. Sadly, my state of mind only allowed me to panic, not relax. So Scott did his best to entertain me. Shopping and a little walk in the desert did not help much. 

First of May spent a week in Sedona healing ourselves - heat, red rock, vortexes, salt rooms, lots of driving, time together. 

Came home to a remodeling fiasco; inner-bitch came out, and well, I was kinda kind, rather bossy, and very much a project manager! Scott stayed clear of the interactions; smart man. 

Hired amazing nephew Makai and neighbor Curtis to do all the projects not on the remodel list yet valuable. 

By the end of May the bathroom was finished and just what we wanted; stunning. Kitchen was a disaster; no one accepts responsibility! 

In May my Aunt Lola passed away. 

Mom's health continued to decline, to the point that she was no longer speaking, interacting, although recognizing, and we all knew we were losing her. 

End of June, brought Mom home to my house, with all of its dust, confusion, and dissonance, to die. Sisters moved in, some nieces as well. Revolving door, yet so peaceful and right. 

On the evening of June 28, Mom passed away, in a hospital bed in my library, surrounded by books and the women she so loved, along with a couple of very patient men. And - construction workers in the kitchen, because I was not going to give them any excuses to stop working! 

Mom's funeral was on July 1 with burial in Lewisville/Rigby, ID on July 2. All of the siblings were together, and we had the most amazing and therapeutic time. Gosh I love my brothers and sisters! And it was so cathartic to review our lives as children of Clyde and Alice, and our lives as adults with children and grandchildren of our own. 

Mysteries solved, questions answered, "me too" moments acknowledged, and so much togetherness that when everyone went home, there was serious longing. 

End of July experienced a wide-awakening with the support of a great friend and therapist. Lots of self-discovery and being able to see a "forward" for the first time in years; realizing how much the past and others' pasts have held, particularly me, from making goals, planning a tomorrow. Goes all the way to being a 3 year old girl, and as an adult, the disability and shame that came with a divorce and then cancer. 

Early August - kitchen freakin' finished! What a pain, and it is gorgeous! I love being able to sort and shelf and organize the kitchen, with a perfect layout. 

Shortly after, a cousin, younger than myself, Gary Walker, passed away. Enough with death! 

The first of September siblings got together again and finished going through Mom's house, getting it ready to put up for sale. We spent lots of time laughing, reminiscing, being surprised by letters and scrapbooks, and ultimately dividing things, DI'ing things, and mailing lots to extended family, as well as trashing papers that were digitized or no longer needed. 

Spent a few nights in Marysvale, UT. In a cabin, in the woods, in the rain. So very nice. 

And then Makai - married Lauren in Laie, Hawaii, and Scott and I were able to not only celebrate with them, heaven couldn't have been any better as we spent our days with little plans and lots of sand and water. We were able to relax for the first time this year, and what a joy! Came home carrying the island-vibe with us. 

Mom's home sold, to a young couple, and they will take residence mid-January. 

Our house is now the best home ever, and we have thoroughly enjoyed being in this beautiful place we've created. As well, we love sitting on the deck watching sunrises and sunsets, gardening, and loving a stunning view of Mt. Timpanogos. 

Scott and I managed to escape CoVid, until 3 weeks ago, and we were knocked flat for a week, and still recovering. What a trigger, as my bones and joints began to ache day 3. Those old cancer Nadar days came running to me. So grateful this is behind me, and all that remains is being darn tired - both of us. 

Scott is the best gardener and grocery-shopper, and taxi-driver, and errand-runner, and helper-outer that any family could ask for. He picks up friends for AA meetings, comes home and reads portions of at least 5 books, takes care of all the errand sprinting, and serves others, including deceased relatives. 

I stay busy chaplaining; there is no rest. And as much as I love visiting patients, I still hate company politics and egos and hierarchy. Our Palliative Care team is growing, so constant flux and constant "get to know you" times. However, I work with the most amazing talented people, and I learn from them and my patients every single day. So many patients with complicated cases, and lots of dying and families not cohesive when it comes to making decisions for their loved ones. This has definitely made me grateful for the miracle of 7 children being on the same page as we have cared for Mom these past 7 years. In addition, I've grown my own private practice, counseling those who are in any type of life transition, those who are grieving loss, as well as those looking for peace and the tools to carry these skills with them. I typically spend 9 hours a week doing this. LOVE it! 

We did buy e-bikes, and rode them just for a moment before the Utah cold hit. Something to look forward to next spring! 

Kids are all doing great - able to see Natalie and Ramon and family toward the end of summer. Spent time with all the others multiple times. Beautiful people, who we are thrilled to also call friends. 20 grandchildren growing like crazy - marrying, dating, graduating, schooling, studying, working, dancing, cheering, kicking, reading, creating, climbing, balancing, driving, swimming, and the most loveable bunch. We'll take them any time, any place, any way. 

Dinners on the deck with the best of friends (when it wasn't covered with appliances and construction materials) accompanied by movies on the deck were some things I looked forward to. Lovely moments and hugs with so many loved ones who came to pay tribute to Mom at her funeral and burial, visits with our friend, Igor, from the Ukraine/Japan, brunch and a visit with Mark and Trudy, and days with Karin were highlights, as was spending time with my people - including the Birkeland trio. Terribly sorry I missed my 45th HS reunion (go Rigby Trojans). Moving forward while looking backward is a tough job.  

Lesson learned this year - I can find peace within, even when there's chaos surrounding me. I don't need to "own" anything that's not mine, and being curious rather than judging provides freedom and respect and love - for self and other. 

I've laughed as much as I've cried, loved more than I ever have, spent time in solitude, finding solace in quiet and peaceful spaces. And loving My Timpanogos - and learning from her. 

My most favorite quotes this year are from a Mindfulness instructor, "There there darling; you're going to be OK." And from a billboard on I-15, "Be kind, be bold, do good." I'm learning that most of the things I want to say don't need to be said, most of the things I need to do, aren't necessary, and most things that are urgent, are really choices. 

I've also learned that it's time I put myself "out there" just a little more. I'm not sure what that means, except that I'm healing and feeling a little freedom, breathing room, for the first time in many years. I'm hopeful, looking forward, making plans for more than "what's for dinner." 

Mom's death opened the door to so much, and for whatever reason, these things have popped on my plate, and then right off - panicking and the extreme sense of urgency disappeared; ingrown toenail that's bothered me for decades, gone; nails polished every 3 weeks for the past 7 years, now au'natural; pestering banking issues resolved; hearing aids (damn cancer); finally feeling comfy with my own skin. 

Lots of little that sums up a pretty overwhelming heavy year. And with that - 

Merry Christmas to all, and best wishes for an amazing New Year. 

Blessed, Curious -

Feeling blessed - and counting and seeing my blessings as they unfold, pretty darn cool. 

That which we persist in doing becomes easier, not because the task is easier, but our ability to do has increased. 

This definitely pertains to see the good, be the good, recognize the good. 

When looking for . . . we often find what we're looking for. These days I'm constantly looking for goodness - I can't live any other way with my work. 

So I choose to look/be aware of the good. Much easier to carry a heart of gratitude than a heart of anger. 

And with that - choosing to be curious over judging; so much easier and painless when I don't have to be the judge of anyone! 

So here, here's the most beautiful video of the season - giving and receiving. 

Pinching Myself -

 Some days as I walk from my office, through the courtyard, over to the hospital, with people in scrubs and other uniforms walking or visiting, I look around and think, "I am a hospital chaplain! I work in a hospital setting! I am exactly where I should be, doing exactly what I want to be doing." 

And I can be so surprised by this thought that I have to stop, "pinch myself," before taking another step. I am living in constant gratitude that I am practicing my life's purpose. It's been a long road, but every step along that road was also marked by "pinching myself" moments. 

Just now, sitting down at my computer to document my visits, I had such a moment. And I am determined to cling to these, voice my gratitude, and when my days are hectic and crazy and patient filled, be ever present for my patients and ever grateful for my abilities. 

Amen - 

Not My Barbecue - Balance and Boundaries -

Several years ago my son-in-law was in a terrible accident that left him in the hospital for two months. This was life-threatening, and while I won't go into details here, he is alive and thriving. 

His healthcare was amazing, providers wonderful. There was one therapist in the Burn Unit who took a special interest in Jenna and Cliff, seeing them frequently, and giving them tips for maneuvering a new life. One of her most profound teachings was about boundaries. 

Last week I was visiting with a palliative care patient's wife. She works full-time, takes care of a energetic teen, runs the household life, and cares for her demanding husband. She said, "I've been all-right - just trying to balance things." And she continues with, "And self-care, I'm walking, but everyone sees this as 'interrupt me time,' and I am pulled away from not only walking, but any type of thing I want to do for myself." She concluded with, "Well, except for going to the grocery store. No one wants to go grocery shopping with me. In fact, I've been a few times, not to buy anything, but just to get away." 

My response to her was, "Balance and Boundaries are two of the most difficult characteristics to develop and sustain." 

And I should know! Boundaries - I do pretty good at not letting others lives become my responsibility (that's caregiver survival here at the hospital), and I  seldom have a problem saying, "no." 

However, Balance, that's a whole other story, and I'm touching on that here. 

Back to my SIL. This therapist was amazing, and if the only lesson I took home from supporting my daughter and her husband during this horrible time, is this, then I left the winner. 

Ann G Cook, LCSW, at the University of Utah, had this to say about boundaries, when seeing something that you want/should/could/need/might be a part of, or be involved in, and yet you are fully aware that you shouldn't, Ann stated, "My husband and I have this saying, 'Not my barbecue.'" Then walk away, without guilt or grief or remorse. End of discussion, no looking back. 

This phrase has been my go-to since that time, nearly 15 years ago. And I've heard several others that work similarly: 

Not my ministry

I'm not on that committee

Not my circus, not my monkey

Not my pig, not my farm

I'm not accepting new assignments at this time

Oh, that's for another "Ronda"

I don't have a horse in that race

That's outside my wheelhouse.

I read a story in today's news about a man who looked out his window and saw four teenager boys pushing each other around and yelling. He left his house, went to the park, and attempted to break up the fight. This resulted in serious injury to him, and the arrest of 4 teens. Noble gesture, but what if, just what if he hadn't gotten involved? What if he said, "I don't have a horse in that race"?

My sweet husband hates injustice; this past month, while in Hawaii, there were three men in their 30s yelling at each other and pushing each other. My 73 year old husband wanted to go break up this fight! I hollered, "Scott, this is not your barbecue; stop." 

I have a colleague who has been subtly bullied by another colleague - in my mind the worst on-the-job abuse that can happen. In fact, it's the same person I've written a wee bit about over the past couple of years. Well, another colleague felt the sting of her words this week, and has lost hours of sleep trying to make sense of the manipulation. Today we talked about emotional preservation and boundaries - not buying in to her words, allowing them to bounce off the boundary she/we have set. 

Pick an above phrase, and make it your mantra! 

These are heavy scenarios, yet "Not my barbecue" helps in my every day'ness. "Whose car is at Mom's?" Not my BBQ. "What are they thinking spending all that money on a ...?" Not my BBQ. "Damn guy cut me off." Not my BBQ.  "Somebody should . . ." Not my BBQ. "I'm worried about . . . " Not my BBQ. You get it! 

Often choosing to not own someone else's actions and behaviors is the best thing to do. Not having a horse in the race, not being on that committee, not a part of your ministry, can be so very freeing. 

And with not owning, there is emotional and physical availability, that comes with stepping back, stepping aside, getting out of the way of someone else's story. 

Thanks, Ann G Cook, for teaching me about barbecues! 

And speaking of barbecues - this! 

CoVid -

 Well, Scott and I were hit by the CoVid virus this past week. I had been exposed through a patient who tested positive just before he passed away. I think that was the initiator. 

And YUCK! First for both of us, and of course, we do it together! I'm glad we had Hawaii together, so we were relaxed enough to not have freak-outs with us both being down. 

Onward! 

November is for Introverts -

Morning, I stepped out of my house to get into my car for work, and there was the most stunning sunrise - more beautiful than the remaining leaves on the trees around me. I walked between my office and the hospital, past the pond being drained as four ducks soaked in the remaining water, scraping the bottom for the best tidbits, decorative grasses and trees and the last of the flowers in full regalia, tables silent, with only a couple of people quietly visiting on the bench, and with a shadow of snow on Y mountain and Timp, golds and rusts and browns hanging on below, and a hint of weather in the air. I love November. 

The Spring anticipation, the Summer filled with go, absorb, do, celebrate is gone. The month-long Pinktober and Halloween frenzy are over. The lovely last-minute vacation to Hawaii is over - and yet the primer for now as we settle into November - month filled with - nothing - but thanks, a time to pause, relax, cozy and warm-up, eat soup and the last of the tomatoes, prune the shrubs and pull the carrots and turnips, and be. Spending time in November is a luxury, a month that deserves its own space, with no other holidays pushing into it. 

November says - be still and know. And what do I know during this month - I know how much I need pause, stop, still, rest. 

Introverts - no entertaining, no celebrations, no big events, just being with those I love and relearning to love myself. My home is warm, the seasonal furniture and decor are snuggled in the shed. Exercise becomes gentle yoga, clothes are muted shades and comfortable, toe-nails left unpainted, food is gentler, warmer. This month suits me well. 

And then this - gratitude! I adore Thanksgiving; perhaps my favorite holiday - for gathering, for reflection, a time to pause before. November is my month to count my blessings, to share my gratitude, to spend time giving thanks. This, I can do. 

I'll look at sunrises and sunsets more, I'll snuggle more, I'll sit with silence more, I'll slow down. 

A favorite song of mine is "We Gather Together" guides me, and Tony Elman's "Shaking Down the Acorns" is on constant play. And this - "For the Beauty of the Earth." Simple, warm, clean, basic messages that I live by along with music that speaks to my soul. Music I seldom play other times of the year; it is sacred, kinda like November. This month is for my soul. 

Compassion and Grace -