7 Years Ago Cancer Came Knocking - Velveteen Rabbit -

Feeling very worn and a little wiser these days. I certainly am more real. 

Authenticity -

Along with boundaries I've been thinking about the term "Authenticity." I've heard many folks talking about being their authentic self. Hmmmm - I know that long ago I decided being "not me" was not who I wanted to be or to portray. And besides, that's a lot of work to be Inauthentic!

So here:

Authentic people are deeply in tune with who they are and what they want. Their ability to live their life in harmony with their true selves comes from some clearly discernible habits that any of us can study and incorporate into our repertoire.

1. They help others to be their authentic selves. Authentic people don’t expect others to play a role either. They don’t make people feel as though they have to fit into a certain mold or to project a certain image to be a part of their lives. Their commitment to being authentic gives other people the freedom to live authentically too.

2. They let go of negative people. Authentic people have too much self-respect to put up with people who treat them badly or have ill will toward them, and they have too much respect for other people to try to change them. So they let go—not out of anger, but out of their need to be true to themselves.

3. They express their true feelings and opinions, even when they’re not popular. Authentic people don’t live a go-along-to-get-along lifestyle. They’re simply not capable of acting in a way that’s contrary to what their principles dictate, even if there are repercussions. They prefer not to lie to other people, and they especially can’t lie to themselves. This means that they’re willing to live with the repercussions of staying true to themselves.

4. They are confident. Much social anxiety stems from the fear we have of being “found out.” We’re afraid that somebody is going to discover that we’re not as smart, experienced, or well-connected as we pretend to be. Authentic people don’t have that fear. Their confidence comes from the fact that they have nothing to hide. Who they appear to be is who they really are.

5. They prefer deep conversations to meaningless chatter. Eleanor Roosevelt nailed this one. She once said, “Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.” You won’t find authentic people gossiping about others or giving their opinions on the latest celebrity scandals. They know all of that stuff is nothing more than cultural trappings, and they choose to talk about things that matter.

6. They don’t take anyone’s advice without evaluating it carefully first. It’s not that authentic people aren’t willing to take advice; they are. But they don’t put that advice into action just because other people have. First, they’ll run it through the wringer from a critical perspective so that they can be sure it makes sense for them.

7. They don’t complain about their problems. Complaining is what you do when you think that the situation you’re in is someone else’s fault or that it’s someone else’s job to fix it. Authentic people, on the other hand, are accountable. They understand that they—and no one else—are responsible for their own lives, so there’s no point in complaining.

8. They’re internally motivated. Authentic people don’t sit at their desks thinking, “Well, if my boss would just make this job worthwhile, I’d do a better job.” The carrot-and-stick approach just isn’t relevant to them. They’re motivated from within.

9. They make the best out of any situation. Authentic people have a very firm grasp on reality. When things don’t go their way, they don’t get trapped in denial, and they don’t sit around whining about how things should be different. They simply take stock of the way things are and, if there’s nothing they can do to change the situation, they figure out a way to make the best of it.

10. They don’t get stressed or upset when someone doesn’t like them. It’s never fun accepting that someone doesn’t like you, but a lot of times that discomfort comes from trying to figure out what you did wrong or how you can fix it. Authentic people don’t have that anxiety because they would never try to change themselves to influence someone else’s opinion. They accept that other people have a right to be authentic about their own feelings, even if those feelings are negative toward them.

Bringing It All Together

Living authentically is a perpetual challenge that requires emotional intelligence and yields great rewards. It’s a noble path that you won’t regret following.

https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/282836 

Fences Make Good Neighbors - Boundaries -

Robert Frost's poem, Mending Wall, has been a favorite of mine. I think most of us can quote a line or two from it or some of Frost's other pieces. In this piece Frost writes, "Fences make good neighbors. . . . Before I built a wall I'd ask to know what I was walling in or walling out." 

I've had my wall "Ah-ha" this summer. And I now know that building walls is not for my neighbors and keeping in or keeping out, but for me to recognize my boundaries; my self-imposed walls. 

Troublesome Thoughts - I've had to build walls around times I can worry. A concern comes into my mind, and I consciously say, "2 minutes; you have 2 minutes to entertain these thoughts, then put them away and move forward." The wall is the time-limit I've imposed. 

Anger - There have been a few times these past weeks where I've been really pissed (and I've written about them here). And I can't discount these emotions; if I do, they're stuffed down and sooner or later I'll have to deal with them. For me, handling my anger as it occurs allows me to look at it in the moment rather than past-tense, which then warps the real. So again, "Hold it up, exam it, feel it, and then let. it. go." Moving forward is key, and the fence is leaving the anger in the pasture while I get back on my path. 

Sadness - I am not happy with my faith community, yet I have no desire to leave my beliefs or look for another community. There have been hours of time where I have felt lost, friendless, sad. And there have been Sundays when that sorrow has lingered for the entire day, me not even realizing the origin. I'm not sure how I am going to deal with this as I move from one Sabbath to the next, yet knowing that I need to have a boundary is the motivation which keeps me uncomfortable. I haven't put a wall or fence in place, but I acknowledge it's time to build something - even if it's fluid, even if it has a gate. Acknowledging the need and desire for a wall is the first step in a boundary. 

Abandonment - At one point a few years ago I chose to let a few strangers through my fence gate. Now, nothing new - we all choose who we let in and who we keep out. And innocent until proven guilty as well. Yet after all of my grain was eaten by these folks, and they left, I realized I should have determined the boundaries rather than letting them tell me what my fences should be made of. Coming to the realization that this was my fault, not theirs, has caused me heartache, and caused me to want to shut down my walls and build a bigger fence. Knowing this, observing my hurt, and replanting and rebuilding is hard work, and necessary work. And it's okay to rebuild and be in charge of my boundaries. And it's fine to trust; walls can always be rebuilt. Rather tumbled down fence than a higher-wall. 

Privacy - This blog has been bold and blunt. And yet I'm a pretty private person. I don't like people knowing my business, and this summer I've learned that most of my walls are self-imposed. On the days I'm lonely it's because my "closed" sign is up. On the days I'm overwhelmed it's because I've left the gate open. Times when I'm stressed? Perhaps the visitor stayed too long; and times of joy - the contradiction in me says the gate was either open or closed! And I have the right to determine this. 

Protection - And today I do not begin teaching school! For the past 34 years I have lived my life from semester to semester - with children, with myself, and with me teaching, my life has revolved around the school year. And today, for the first time in forever, I am thinking about the walls this gave me - protection, boundaries, limits. There's been safety here - I knew what was expected of me. I knew when I could say yes, and I could say no, based on time limitations - days, hours, semesters - breaks. These boundaries have limited me and protected me. 

Today I say "adieu" to the semester fences. I have been deciding what I want to put in their place. I have not wanted my 4:30-8:30pm, Tuesday and Thursday time to be absorbed into the regularity of another day. I want to keep some boundaries in place, use this time wisely, perhaps take down the brick wall and build a glass wall in its place. I don't want the fence gone, just time for a new one in its place. 

And I'm the one who determines what my boundary/border/wall/fence will look like - and what it contains and what it excludes. And if I need a wall at all. And how I want that good neighbor to myself to appear. 

Mending Wall

BY ROBERT FROST

Something there is that doesn't love a wall,

That sends the frozen-ground-swell under it,

And spills the upper boulders in the sun;

And makes gaps even two can pass abreast.

The work of hunters is another thing:

I have come after them and made repair

Where they have left not one stone on a stone,

But they would have the rabbit out of hiding,

To please the yelping dogs. The gaps I mean,

No one has seen them made or heard them made,

But at spring mending-time we find them there.

I let my neighbor know beyond the hill;

And on a day we meet to walk the line

And set the wall between us once again.

We keep the wall between us as we go.

To each the boulders that have fallen to each.

And some are loaves and some so nearly balls

We have to use a spell to make them balance:

‘Stay where you are until our backs are turned!’

We wear our fingers rough with handling them.

Oh, just another kind of out-door game,

One on a side. It comes to little more:

There where it is we do not need the wall:

He is all pine and I am apple orchard.

My apple trees will never get across

And eat the cones under his pines, I tell him.

He only says, ‘Good fences make good neighbors.’

Spring is the mischief in me, and I wonder

If I could put a notion in his head:

‘Why do they make good neighbors? Isn't it

Where there are cows? But here there are no cows.

Before I built a wall I'd ask to know

What I was walling in or walling out,

And to whom I was like to give offense.

Something there is that doesn't love a wall,

That wants it down.’ I could say ‘Elves’ to him,

But it's not elves exactly, and I'd rather

He said it for himself. I see him there

Bringing a stone grasped firmly by the top

In each hand, like an old-stone savage armed.

He moves in darkness as it seems to me,

Not of woods only and the shade of trees.

He will not go behind his father's saying,

And he likes having thought of it so well

He says again, ‘Good fences make good neighbors.’

Don't Miss Out on the Magic! Spontaneity -

I love a schedule! I appreciate knowing what I have to do each day, what is on my calendar for the week, what is happening this month. I like to get work taken care of, know whose birthdays are coming up, and know what events are taking place. I can write them down, and move forward, knowing I won't forget anyone or anything.

Oddly, this as well gives me so much freedom. With a plan I can also be spontaneous, knowing when I have time to open up my hours, knowing what I can drop or rearrange, and when I can say "yes," without worrying whether something was already planned. 

Now - this drives Scott crazy! He hates a schedule. Don't fence the man in! Yet he often relies on me, or spends time rescheduling because he forgot, or even yet - saying "I'm sorry I forgot," two weeks after the fact. 

After cancer I had a hard time even remembering to write things down, and I missed a few things; I couldn't trust my memory. And even these days I have 3 calendars I sync, just to keep work and home schedules coordinated (my days are not succinctly into work and home). 

I read this article a few days ago, and I'm a believer - spontaneity is magical; it's invigorating; it brings life to life. And I appreciate the call for Balance - 

Here you go: 

This Habit Causes Many People to Miss the Magic in Life

BERNADETTE LOGUE

There is one habit or “way of life” that causes many people to miss out on what I call “the magic” of life. The habit shows up in slightly different ways, but always has one defining feature – there is NO room for spontaneity.

So the habit, to be specific, is living your life like a well planned military operation – where structure and routine reign supreme, and you know where you will be, when you will be there, what you will do and how it will all pan out… well before anything ever happens. Your daily and weekly schedule is familiar, or if not familiar at the very least full, planned and executed to that exact intention.

The Kicker

Here's the kicker… living life like this can actually lead to great success in many ways. You have set a plan and you deliver to it. You know what outcomes those plans generate and you work to those and enjoy the results. This applies whether we're talking about your work, or your weekend routine, or your evening routine. The fact being structured like this leads to success (getting results) tends to make people adhere to the fully planned out schedule even more.

However, one thing I've learnt in life is that…

What makes us successful, if taken to the extreme, can also be our downfall.

There has to be BALANCE in how you are being and what you are doing if you want to experience and benefit from all life has to offer you.

You Want Me to Abandon My Routine?

No! Not at all. When I say routine, plans, schedule… I'm not suggesting you don't have those things. Rather I'm suggesting that you have your crucial Life Anchors locked and loaded (which are recurring rituals and planned experiences that you know keep you balanced, present and physically/mentally/emotionally well), and that you allow some space in your broader daily and weekly life for spontaneity outside of your familiar routine and commitments.

If you know exactly what each day is going to look like in advance, and you're not even remotely interested in what life could unexpectedly serve up to you, then…

• Where is the fun in life?
• Where is the variety?
• Where is the adventure?
• Where is the spice of life?
• Where is the unfolding of things you didn't anticipate?
• Where is the space for magic?

Where Did the Magic Go?

Well, the answer is – you scheduled it RIGHT OUT OF YOUR LIFE, because you consciously or subconsciously chose certainty over uncertainty.

Many people (granted, not everyone) who live on a schedule with plans laid in advance and no room for unfolding magic, do so because they want certainty and love certainty. They may even convince themselves that they NEED certainty – like it is a pre-requisite for comfort, success and mental/emotional stability. Certainty is addictive (click here to read more on that!) and it can also be destructive.

The other reason people don't allow room for spontaneity and unfolding in their lives, is that they can't bear the thought of being alone or being without plans.

They fear the thought of being still, of being without action, of being without agenda, of being left in a vortex where they don't know what to do with themselves. Often they believe that being idle or sitting in a space for magic to unfold = being useless, being directionless and thus being “unsuccessful”. None of which is true.

Being Spontaneous is Not Being Flaky

Have you ever heard this saying below?

'Not all those who wander are lost' - J R R Tolkien

While it may seem a bit “over the top” to use that quote in relation to this topic of having more space for spontaneity in your daily life, you can definitely apply this overall theme on a micro-scale. If you don't have plans for a particular hour, afternoon, evening, day, week or month – does that mean you're lost? No. If you purposely decide to create space in your schedule just to see what unfolds, does that mean you're idle and wishy-washy? No. Does it mean you are not clear on what you want? No. Does it mean you're not doing all you can to create what you want? No. Does it mean you won't have success, results, and joy? No.

YOU Need You to be Spontaneous;the Universe Needs You to Be Spontaneous

You are co-creating your life. Sometimes you need to create a bit of space in your daily or weekly or monthly routine, so that the Universe can present you with magic… or more accurately put, so that you will RECOGNIZE the magic when it is presented! That magic can include opportunities that you weren't expecting, sights/sounds/insights and experiences you weren't anticipating, and synchronicities that you might not otherwise recognize/understand if you are busy and intent on your pre-planned path (ie. rejecting spontaneity or any trajectory away from your intended activity).

What Does it Mean to Create Space?

Well… just be aware in the small moments of your daily life. You don't have to clear your schedule, just be really present in what you are doing, be conscious… make choices rather than running on auto-pilot. Rather than defaulting to what you will eat for lunch based on habit, make a choice about what to eat. Rather than driving home robotically the way you always do while you're lost in your mind thinking about past and future, make a choice about which way to drive. Rather than turning on the TV and watching what you always watch, make a choice about how to spend your afternoon/evening. You may choose what you always have chosen, but at least you'll be doing it CONSCIOUSLY.

You have to be conscious in order to create space for YOU to be spontaneous (let alone for you to recognize the magic that the Universe can present to you!)

I Confess… I Almost Killed the Magic!

The reason I decided to write this article is that I woke up set with the intent to follow my usual work routine. I do my morning rituals for Mind/Body/Spirit (which are part of my Life Anchors) and then set about my online work. Aaron (my husband, for those who don't know him) woke up with a different idea. He spontaneously suggested we go hiking all morning. My mind was intent on my pre-planned schedule. I said no. And part of me thought, “Are you crazy? It's a work day. There are things to be done.” Yes, sad but true… despite what I teach, that is what my initial reaction was!

He looked at me and asked if I'd like to reconsider. He's a wise man! His look said it all… there is more to life than work, and given I tend to work on weekends sometimes he recommended I reconsider and allow spontaneity to join the party. He was right. It wasn't going to cause me to miss any deadlines or commitments. So…

Shockingly (given I love my plans just as much as the next person), I closed my laptop and spent all morning out hiking with Aaron and then finished off with a delicious Chai Tea topped with cinnamon. I can't think of a better way to have spent my morning. I was immersed in nature, came home feeling amped, energised, healthy and blessed. It totally reoriented my thinking… and here is the magic that arose… I've had a whole lot of creative ideas come to mind for my work, including several finer points that I was feeling stuck on. That is one of the gifts of breaking routine and embracing spontaneity.

Miracles show up if you ALLOW them to come into your life.

And don't get caught up thinking that miracles mean the parting of the Red Sea, a Unicorn dancing in your garden, that you suddenly wake up 20 pounds lighter than yesterday, or that you win the lottery. Miracles are as simple as – a change in perspective, a creative idea, a different path opening up in your awareness, new choices being made leading to seeing new people, new opportunities and thus new results becoming available, new memories being made that you'll have forever… and the list goes on!

And what I got to see on my spontaneous outing (while living here in Bali) was an incredible procession of people carrying offerings to temple… a new experience and image burned in my memory. I already have plenty of memories of staring at a laptop screen burned in my memory, so it's not like I desperately needed more of that! Rather, this new memory just added colour and depth to my life experience that I will not forget nor regret…

Chapel Dedication Remarks - On New -

Below are my remarks, and blessing on the congregation, for the chapel dedication. 

I like “new.” New white t-shirts, new Dansko clogs, new foods, new places, new experiences. And the hospital has been a place for “new” for me for many years. Here I became a new mother – two beautiful children. And even, here I’ve watched my children become new parents, making me a new grandmother!

Many of you have had a relationship similar making you new – birth, what a beautiful word. Eleanor Roosevelt said, “With the new day comes new strength and new thoughts.”

Several years after becoming a new parent, and having spent a few days over the span of several years in this hospital, I experienced another “new.” I found a lump in my breast, and I underwent surgery and cancer treatments. In many ways, this was a tragic new – treatments, while life-saving, made me sick, made me tremble with fear, wondering if I would even live to see another day. Because of this, I received a “new” lease on life. I have a new perspective on life, a new appreciation for my body and for healthcare providers. And I have a new faith; a stronger faith in my Higher Power and a stronger belief in the healing power of medicine, prayer, and community.

Corrie Ten Boom preached, “Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God.”

Many of you have seen or experienced similar. Time in a hospital brings with it a frightening sense of new – new ways of living, new ways of caring for someone, new outlooks on life.

Theologian Henri Nouwen wrote, “Let’s not be afraid to receive each day’s surprise, whether it comes to us as sorrow or as joy, it will open a new place in our hearts.”

In 1 Peter 5:10 we read, “And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.”

Here at Utah Valley Hospital we have experienced many “news” over the past several years. New documentation system, new Intermountain structure, a new name – no longer Utah Valley Regional Medical Center, rather – Utah Valley Hospital; and, new buildings - new offices, new surgery rooms, new patient rooms, new ways of working with those we care for.

“New” can be uncomfortable, forcing us into experiences we may not choose for ourselves. And yet, with all of this new, comes growth. The opportunity to learn more about ourselves and those we care for.

And here we are today in a “new” chapel! It is my hope that we can find respite here, a place to pray, contemplate, worship, find our center, in the new and change that surrounds us (the changes are ongoing here at the hospital and in our own lives). And particularly, I hope that as this is hospital is a place to begin healing and keep our patients as comfortable as possible, that you may find healing and comfort here in the chapel. LDS Pres. Gordon B. Hinckley said, “If life gets too hard to stand, kneel.” Come here; this is your chapel.

From the Dalai Lama, “If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.”

Blessing: I leave with each of you today, my blessing, as it comes from Psalm 121:

“I lift up my eyes to the mountains – where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip – he who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The Lord watches over you – the Lord is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. The Lord will keep you from all harm – he will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.”

It is my hope and my prayer that you will be watched over, particularly when “new” comes your way.

Amen.

Utah Valley Hospital Chapel Dedication -

The dedication of the chapel at the hospital was fantastic! I really felt like assembling this dedication was an opportunity for me to use my folklorist skills as well as my skills as a chaplain (and event planner skills). I wanted a diverse representation of the faith and cultural groups in the valley. Time and time again, even stats show, that Utah County is heavily Mormon. And yet even in that group there are as many layers of Mormons that it's tough to stereotype (although we all do). And in that group there are multiple cultural and ethnic groups within the larger Mormon group. So, with that said, the program was:

Here I Go - Again: WrenHouse.co -

I continue to receive calls and questions regarding the type of counseling I do. And I do a lot of counseling - mostly to do with moving on, reclaiming one's self after a life event - loss mostly - loss of self, loss of a loved one, loss of a job (need help building a resume?), loss of health. This applies to the one losing and the ones remaining and supporting the loss.

If you have angst about tomorrow, or you worry about the past, I can help you. I can help you live in today and move forward with hope -

My website: wrenhouse.co, explains my approach and has a few testimonials and resources that may be of benefit.

Send me an email if you're interested: Ronda@wrenhouse.co. 

I have evening appointments available.