Life Mottos - Enough Already!

Been thinking about this phrase, "We Rise by Lifting Others," often attributed to Amanda Gorman, yet originated with Robert Ingersoll. 

Call it Karma, good intentions, manipulation, golden rule, it is something I believe in and have attempted to practice all of my life. 

This has been my motto for the last several years of me life, besides the statement, "We're all just walking each other home." This has been essential as I've worked with those living, dying, and trying to live, in the hospital. It's not my story - it's my patient's and client's, and I have given my very best to hold hands with my clients and listen to them as they've walked their paths while in the hospital and beyond. 

Perhaps my most powerful set of rules to live by is a series of three statements I created way back when I was in my teens - "Be Fair, Be True, Do No Harm." These have guided everything, and I mean everything, I've done in my life. Maybe the most poignant and powerful example of this is when I divorced twenty years ago. While I wanted out of my marriage, I really truly did not want to hurt my ex or my children. Of course, we all had wounds, but these were not given intentionally, and I have worked so hard to live my life doing no harm and carrying no harm. 

I've always felt a thrill of adventure and, "I Dwell in Possiblity" by Emily Dickenson has given me the push/guilt to always reach for more, be excited for the next . . . . I'm tired! 

However - always the caveat - these past four years have been so very very hard. And while I've lifted others, journeyed with others, and been fair, true, and not hurtful, I've realized I have hurt myself. All the emotions of hurt, rejection, fear, anger, anxiousness, betrayal, frustration, and more I have either pushed aside or swallowed. I've worked through many situations that have caused these emotions, but I haven't been very good about giving myself the grace necessary to heal. 

I have spent most of my life making sure others felt valued and accepted, giving out, and yet struggling to reach in. For some reason I've felt like if I could do more, be more, have more (education, experience, property), I could prove to "whomever" that I was of value, that I did have worth, and then all the profound hurt I've felt would leave. 

This past weekend, while trying to get some of my ya'ya's out of me, I realized, again, I don't need anything more. I AM ENOUGH! I am good enough, good enough, good enough. I have reached my "Rest and Be Thankful" summit and now I can settle into the peace this journey can give me as I savor the beauty around me. 

My statue of Quan Yin sits on my night stand, relaxed, eyes gazing on the open lily she holds in her hand needs to be that reminder to relax, look at where I've been, what I've done, and relish this time of peace. 

I've written these thoughts so many times, they're on my mind constantly, yet my affirmation for the time-being is this - ENOUGH, enjoy what I have, enjoy where I'm at, and settle. 

Enough. 

Vigil of Remembrance - Blessing -

I was asked to give a blessing at tonight's Vigil of Remembrance, honoring those who died during the CoVid pandemic. I had a difficult time finding words to fit into the 5-7 minute time frame I was given. So I stopped at 3.5 minutes, and I feel pretty good about it. 

I recently retired as a chaplain for Intermountain Health, working during CoVid times at Utah Valley and Intermountain Medical Center, supporting caregivers, those dying (or surviving), and their families and friends. (These days I have a private counseling practice, often helping others journey through their own stories, their own illnesses, their own suffering.)

I’ve kept a blog for the past 12 years. On Jan 6, 2022, I wrote:

Over the past 2 years I have witnessed more than 100 hospital deaths.

And my role, really, when it's all said and done, is incidental. I don't administer medications, monitor oxygen levels, deliver feedings, change sheets. I stand quietly, always available, always out of the way - I like to think that I am the defender of their story, the one who is present, who sees the entire story unfold, and validates - the dead, the living, the caregivers, and the real events, not statistics. 

This evening I honor those stories, shared, and not, spoken, and held deep inside one’s heart. Stories of valor, honor, defeat, exhaustion, coming together, tearing apart, surviving, dying, hurting, carrying, remembering.

I bless those caregivers who woke up each morning not sure what they would be facing at work, and then walked with faith and love as they cared for those dying and their families. And then went home and cared for theirs. Blessed are the ones who bore witness and hold these stories close to their hearts.

I bless those families and friends who spent days and nights in the worst world ever – that of the unknown, anxiously pacing floors distances away from their dying loved ones, hopeful and fearful each time the phone rang with an update, and questioning their faith in doctors, medicine, Higher Power, and feeling helpless when being helpful was their go-to. Blessed are those who loved and lost and continue to love.

I bless those who passed away from CoVid without being able to have any last words, hugs, kisses, hand-holds. Blessed are they, for surely they did not die alone.

I bless those who boldly, timidly, bravely, exhaustingly, respectfully, cleaned bodies, buried other’s sons and daughters, husbands and wives, parents, and then went home and cared for the living among them.

I bless those of us who are still reeling from these memories; wounds can take years to heal, and CoVid fears are still all around us. May we be blessed to remember our people and find our place of belonging in this time of longing.  I bless their stories live on in all of us. I bless that we all may find light and love in the past, in the present, and as we move forward into the tomorrows we are blessed to have.

Receive this blessing. It’s for you. Then pray it for someone else.

The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make His face shine upon you,
and be gracious to you; the Lord lift up His countenance upon you, and give you peace. Amen

Numbers 6:24-26

 

Vigil of Remembrance - 9/09/24

You're invited -