TNBC - Research

This time of year I get anxious about my cancer. I took a look at some recent research, have decided I do want to have the genetic testing done - with a son and daughter who may have tendencies, it's time. And I found this blog: Positives About Negative, that has some recent posts about recent studies. I like her approach.

Onward!

Good - Great Motivation -

UVU Retirement and What's Next -

I have been rather anxious this past month, and I haven't been able to put my finger on the reason for my anxiety, until rethinking about a conversation I had with a friend a few weeks ago.

She retired about 15 months ago from 25 years of work in the business world - high stress, high stakes, big money, decisions to make, and no stopping. She gave her life to her job, and then just weeks after retirement, with her list of things she wanted to do upon retiring, she was diagnosed with cancer.

Gratefully, a year later her cancer is gone, and she is healing. And she is anxious. And I've suggested she start with her retirement year of "figuring things out" beginning now, rather than thinking she's lost a year to cancer. Factoring cancer in, her assessment year starts now.

I remember feeling similarly when I finished my cancer treatments, in fact, I blew out my elbow and messed up my arms because I was hurrying to make up for that lost year, rather than slowing down and healing.

As I've visited with my friend, and with others who are transitioning from a year of treatment (typical) to healing, I suggest they slow down, let their bodies and minds heal, and not rush getting "back into life." Plans and perspectives change, and rushing into the list of "to do's" "waiting," to take the time to really figure out next steps.

I've been here once before! And after my recent few days of mulling over retirement and cancer and "omming," I remembered that I likewise retired in May from 19 years of teaching - of blending teaching and chaplaining over-time, pulling in extra dollars whenever I could, figuring out how I could be in three places at once, and all the regularities of every day life, whatever that looked like.

I gave myself permission to enjoy the summer without pushing on to "next." And oh goodness, I have certainly done this. Summer has been spectacular, and I'm squeezing out all the summer'ness I can before Autumn officially begins on Sept. 23.

Since UVU started mid-August I've felt a void in my life and the anxiety that I don't have something to do, to take the place of those Tuesday and Thursday evenings that have been full for the past 15 years, is scary. I don't want to just absorb those hours into my daily life, I want to be productive in those hours!

Yet I want to savor these last few days of summer, and I want to be deliberate in my choices moving forward. Be still; be deliberate; take time to heal - good things will come. Factoring in summer, my assessment semester begins now.

Gotta practice what I preach.

Masaka Kids Dancing - Happy Weekend -

In my dreams - this is me - 

Defining Moments - 9/11 and More

For several years I asked my students about their memories regarding Sept. 11, 2001. I quit asking about 3 years ago when my college students were youngsters or even babies when the sky exploded.
I asked questions such as:
Do you remember where you were when you heard the news?
Do you remember what you heard?
How did you react?
How did those around you react?
Do you consider this a defining moment in US history?

And this morning, reminiscing about where I was (with my bestie, Shirlene), what I heard (KSL news, then TV), how I reacted - sorrow, fear (LDS missionary son), others reactions - stunned, and defining moment - loss of innocence, I couldn't help but reflect on these same questions in regards to my breast cancer diagnosis, treatment, and years since. It was seven years ago this week that I had surgery and received my definitive treatment diagnosis (Triple Negative).

And do I consider this my defining moment - this diagnosis?

Mostly, one of many moments, and while in recent history the most as I move forward with this me, there have been plenty of others - motherhood, marriage, education, move to Alabama, divorce, remarriage, and numerous awakenings along the way.

Yet I do consider my diagnosis and treatment as my "Loss of Innocence," just as I see this for the US.  I think in this loss comes mixed processes for moving forward -

Hesitancy, yet spontaneity.
Distrust, yet embracing.
Frugality, yet extravagent.
Shy, yet bold.

And more than anything, I appreciate what a tour guide said when someone asked her about the darker elements of Scottish history - "We cannot change the story, all we can do is tell it."

I have learned to embrace my story - not to cover up the divorce or the diagnosis, but to own the disappointments along with the glories; own the awkwardness along with the grace gifted me. Hold on to the grief of loss and celebrate compassion; hesitate and then move forward confidently.

Life events rise and fall; ebb and flow; wax and wane. It's our memories and our actions that add the definition to them.

Today I honor those whose lives were lost, those who saved and cared for others, and those who continue to carry seen and unseen scars and keep on moving forward.

Because I've Been Through Cancer There Is Life After Cancer -

The lessons I learn from cancer are the guides that help me through my days. Cancer changes everything, and yet with that comes a stronger sense of purpose and a greater clarity for which to see my path. 

Every day the devastation and reforesting confound me and bless me.