1 Year Anniversary - Mom -

Mom passed away a year ago today. I'm so grateful for space to heal, for siblings to hold on to, for children who care, for friends who have patience, and for a husband who has given me solitude and company. 

Mom saying night-time prayers. 1/21/22

Sitting with the Self -

Two weeks ago Friday, late afternoon, text from a patient needing meds (and I'm the helpless chaplain). 

Last ten day, two nieces' baby showers, extended family dinner, and a nephew's wedding rehearsal dinner and absolutely stunning wedding and reception. And then speaking in church. 

This weekend - movie with friends, breakfast with friends, memorial for patient, book launch with friend, dinner with children. (And a couple of major "coulds" that I chose to let go of.)

And what have I learned? Because there has to be meaning here, right? Particularly with the first situation threatening my ability to be present and find joy. 

Stay in the moment. Feel the anger, frustration, anxiety, bewilderment, tension, stress, and then let it go. 

Michael Singer, in his book, The Untethered Soul (which is the best ever self-help book written) has quickly become my bible for all things emotional - good and bad. How do I deal with my insecurities, my introvert'edness when I really want to be present and not waste the week? 

"Once you learn that it's okay to feel inner disturbances, and that they can no longer disturb your seat of consciousness, you will be free. You will begin to be sustained by the inner energy flow that comes from behind you. When you have tasted the ecstasy of the inner flow, you can walk in this world and the world will never touch you. That's how you become a free being - you transcend." (pg. 87)

I acknowledged the early cloud for what it was, acknowledged that I had control rather than the situation having control. 

I acknowledged my lack of desire to be social, and then set that aside for the excitement of seeing family and the desire to be present in all situations. 

Singer says, "Awareness does not fight; awareness releases. Awareness is simply aware while everything in the universe parades before it." 

I have been overwhelmed with my ability to live in joy, acknowledge the moment, stay present, and be true. Hanging out with my self and my friends and family has been so good for my soul. Whether I contributed or not, I showed up (which is a contribution), even while negative energy knocked at my door. I opened my door, acknowledged and then excuse the energies that tend to rob me of those moments of beauty. Choosing to sit with myself.

Fathers -

 I was asked to speak at church today, here's what I said: 

June 13, 2023 Fathers’ Talk

 Greetings, and Happy Father’s Day! A little bit about Scott and me:

Greetings and Happy Father's Day! Scott and I have deep roots in this ward and neighborhood, spanning over 40 years. We have 6 children and 20 grandchildren. Scott is a retired worker from the State Prison and Child and Family Services; three years ago I left my teaching position at UVU to become a full-time hospital chaplain I also have a private practice counseling those who are going through changes in their lives, wanting to be more and be better. We enjoy traveling, reading, and color; we’re the red brick house with bright yellow doors on 1864 South. Scott loves engaging in conversations, while I'm more introverted, enjoying conversation during a walk or on our lovely deck.

 I was raised in the 60s and 70s, when God was not “Heavenly Father,” but a man in a white robe sitting on a golden throne, surrounded by guards with trumpets and swords. With a big book and a feathered writing utensil. He was a god who, similar to Santa Claus, I guess, was making a list of my good deeds and wrongs, or mistakes – not just sins, but any and everything that I thought and did that was wrong – by his standards. And, he had people here on earth watching everything I did, just in case he didn’t see something. And I walked around in my platform sandals and 3” above my knee dresses in fear!

Until one day my seminary teacher, Don Black, said, “You must develop a personal relationship with God, your Heavenly Father,” and that’s one of the first times I’d heard God mentioned as my Father, a radical idea for me, and I had no idea what that meant.

 I thought of my grandfathers, both whom I adored – One whose smooches and hugs smelled of Camel cigarettes and Folgers coffee. The other whose humor was off-the-charts; I swear he made up the first dad joke – What is black and white and red all over? A book! Our trips to the butcher ended with a scoop of maple nut ice cream at the soda fountain next door.

I thought of my father – who taught me how to use a band saw, a level, a dutch oven, how to speak to a stranger with confidence, and how a mistake was a trial run, “next time will be better.”

And I thought of the void there would be in my life if I didn’t have them to love me. They were the example of a Heavenly Father I wanted a relationship with.

When I was around 13, my sister 12, my brother 10, Dad promised to take us to the circus in Idaho Falls. But a phone call from the restaurant required his attention in town. We braced ourselves for disappointment. Then we heard him say [into the phone], ‘No, I won’t be down. It’ll have to wait.’

When he got off the phone, Mom said. ‘The circus will come back, you know.’

‘I know,’ said my dad. ‘But childhood doesn’t.’ And we knew we mattered, that my father’s word was important, and that now, today, we mattered, we were going to the circus!

I am surrounded by good, good men - I have an amazing father who was a great listener, a husband who willingly held my hand through chemo and surgeries and still told me I was beautiful – reminding me daily that I’m the best thing that ever happened to him, and sons who are some of the most top-notch men I know, and I love watching them with their children. As I watch these sons I see their devotion to their families, I see them love without restriction, teach without complaining, create, play, discipline – with appropriate consequences. They are gentle in touch and bold in words - defending and protecting their loved ones.

Luke 17:21 says, "The kingdom of God is within you." They are my role models for my personal relationship with my Heavenly Father.

We can find a Father’s voice in many places and in many tones – shush, the baby is sleeping (the still small voice), loud – get out of the road right now (the voice of warning), Comforter – I know you were looking forward to first place (2 Cor. 1:3-7), encouraging – you can do it, let me wipe those tears, and you get back in the game, (Be not dismayed, for I am your God, I will strengthen you and help you). A lover of beauty – God must really love me to create such a beautiful world (I’m glad that I live in this beautiful world, Heavenly Father created for me). And a father fights with and for his children, By the power of the Melchizedek Priesthood which I hold, I give you a Father’s blessing (a fighter – The Lord will fight for you Ex. 14:14)

I asked family and friends some questions regarding their relationship with God. Here are a few replies:

He speaks to me in ways he knows I will hear Him. He knows how to get my attention, and it’s not the still small voice! My Heavenly Father is patient, kind, generous, has a sense of humor, sacrifices much for me.

"Whenever I need to talk, He’s there; He’s available! My dad is exactly the same way."

"My father was such a good friend, my best friend. My Heavenly Father is just the same, my best friend, and I can talk to Him about anything. I know He will pay attention to me."

"My relationship with my Heavenly Father is like my relationship with my dad – I have to work on maintaining and growing this. If I want more, I have to do the work."

"My relationship with my Heavenly Father has changed dramatically as I came to a recent understanding – my earthly father did his best to never let me down, and neither would my Heavenly Father. I used to think He was vindictive, but he’s not. In Romans we are taught that God is Love, which also means Love is God. He is more quick to dispense mercy and kindness to his children. As I learn more about my Savior Jesus Christ, I develop a deeper love and understanding of Heavenly Father; Christ embraces me daily in prayer and carries my prayers to my Heavenly Father. Christ is my advocate with the Father."

Several men spoke of their scout leaders - "One in particular, who cared, withheld judgment, invited me to be a part of the group, and encouraged me to develop talents that were different from the other scouts – we were all quirky, different, and yet we all felt included, important, taught, shepherded. And through the years, he remembers me, just seeing him in the temple the other day, and he reached out to me."

"When I do right, when I feel the spirit, I think of Him and Jesus high-fiving each other!"

A grandson shared, “I have a pretty ambiguous relationship with Him right now, yet I think he understands me – and when I’m self-deprecating in my own thoughts, I feel Him pulling me upwards to be better. Matthew 6:14 says, ‘For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly. Father will also forgive you. But if you don't forgive men their. trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.’ I am so grateful for this message. If He forgives and doesn’t hold grudges, neither should I.”

"When I pray, I begin with 'My Heavenly Father,' He’s my father – how amazing is that? I am a child of God! Whether I’m crying, seeking counsel, or thanking Him for a beautiful day, I believe He cares about me and how I’m doing. I love the scripture in Doctrine and Covenants (50: 41-42) where Christ says, 'Fear not, little children, for you are mine.'”

Elder Todd Christofferson beautifully described our Heavenly Father's divine expression of fatherhood. Fathers exemplify constant support, forgiveness, and understanding. He said, “Fatherhood exposes us to our own weaknesses and our need to improve . . . but it is the source of incomparable satisfaction, even joy.”

I remember one time I was yelling at my father, telling him how tough my life was because I had to go to school and then go to work, that he wasn’t supportive, and complaining on and on. He looked at me, and said, “You can yell all you want, take your frustrations out on me, but I am not your enemy, I am here for you, always.” Fathers are constant, consistent, forgiving, understanding.

Many years ago I lost my spiritual strength and rebelled against my Mormon heritage and many of the teachings of the Church of Jesus Christ. For two years I floundered spiritually; I lived in darkness. When I began to see how this was impacting myself and those I loved, I humbly and meekly reached out to God – Heavenly Father, are you really there, do you hear and answer this child’s prayer? And thank God for loving me in spite of myself – this drowning soul came up for air, and I found a loving Father in Heaven waiting for me, with His arms wide open. Just like my father did when I jumped into the deep end of the Heise Swimming Pool, not knowing how to swim. “The Lord our God is merciful and forgiving, even though we have rebelled against him.” (Daniel 9:9)

He is waiting, watching, willing us to grasp his hand and come with Him.

My favorite father, Heavenly Father scripture, which guides me daily as I care for families and patients who are worried, fearful, concerned, and need comfort, comes from Psalm 121: 2-4, “My help cometh from the Lord who made Heaven and Earth” and me!

Made a Difference - Kind Words -

 I'm working on it - I'm a gentle soul, through and through, and yet there are times, particularly since cancer, where I can be bitchy. Typically this is when my bucket is empty. I'm also finding that one of the best ways to keep my bucket full is to give - oddly enough, when I look for goodness in others, I find it in myself. And my day is just a little bit better. 

One small example - a young boy rides his skateboard to school every morning, and I typically pass him on my way to work. Friday morning he was dressed nicer than usual, had a sharp new haircut, and was carrying a pink rose in one hand. I drove by thinking how cute he was, and realized I needed to share this with him. I turned around, slowed down and said, "Excuse me, young me." He looked, and I continued, "I see you nearly every day, and today you look extra nice, and I wanted to share this with you." He said thank you, and then as I took my foot of the brake to continue to work, he said, "You made my day, thank you." I smiled to him, my heart smiled, and my day was pretty decent. 

Made a difference to that one, and to myself. 

The Desert is Alive -

 We spent this past week in Sedona, AZ. We had a wonderfully relaxing time, made only better because the desert was rich with flowers. I have never seen so many blossoms, such a variety of blooms, in one place. Just a few below, with a nod to my friend, Mary Shaw (deceased), who loved photographing wildflowers. 

On My Mind -

 Lots of stuff going on in this wee head of mine these past few weeks: 

Growing older, dentists and dental insurance, baggy body, yoga. 

Gorgeous house, lovely yard, water removed, basement dried, great restoration company. Insurance. 

Belonging, some things change, most don't. Continuous cycle. 

Retirement, timing, benefits, benefits, benefits, holding on, ready to let go, dollars, time. 

Work, answers, questions, growing, missing. So many sick people, stay in shape, eat right, don't drink, don't smoke, learn your body. 

Home work, moving forward, smiles, laughter, tears, words, investing in the future. 

Belonging, friends, few are best, we go deep, spring brings us together, more time. 

Trigger conversations, meeting attendance, little, late, time lost. 

Family conversations, sorrows, pains, aches, parties, celebrations, discoveries, companions. 

Husband aging, surrendering, friends passing, acceptance, joy, carrying others, helping. 

And this - doggone it - mourning not only the loss of an amazing singer-songwriter, but this event, when in July, 2020, he sang, alone, to Canada, to the world. And I am sad that the peace felt this day, the unity felt around the world, the isolation that was attempted to be bridged, fell on tone-deaf ears.

Unseen -

It is my daily goal to do one good turn for a stranger. I often pay for someone's coffee at the hospital cafeteria, give a used gift card with a few dollars left to the next person in line at a restaurant, pull a weed or two from a yard or garden, pick up trash on a walk, compliment someone - my latest favorite was a cashier at the grocery store I frequent - complimented her on her awesome hair style and her cool glasses; she seriously had no words and turned bright pink. When I saw her earlier this week, she remembered.

It really is satisfying to give without any desire for anything in return, yet in giving, I do receive. For instance, yesterday afternoon, I pulled the car into the driveway and there was the cutest 3 year old girl standing on the backdoor step waiting for me, wanting to play with Ronda. So much fun granting her run of the living room while recharging with little girl energy. 

I appreciated this story today, on NPR, about a woman lost and found by a woman who made a pact years ago to reach out (very short read or listen). 

My hospital work keeps me unseen - I don't take patients, or their stuff, home; I seldom share my life, and once they're discharged, I'm on to my next patient - which feeds my need for "carrying less," and this anonymity helps me as I recharge my introvert soul. 

Anyway, my meanderings for the week. Happy Friday -