Not gonna lie, being married, staying married, takes a lot of hard work, a ton of compromises, and hours of looking at the 3 fingers pointing back at myself when wanting to blame "him" for "my" mistakes. Being married is more than saying, "I love you," and "I'm sorry." Staying married takes more than flowers, back rubs, good-bye kisses, toilet lids closed, glass in the dishwasher, and a hot roll in bed with honey. It's not about "never going to bed angry," rather, as I've learned so well these past few years, "facing issues in the now, because there may never be a tomorrow." Dealing with life in real-time is who/what we are.
Staying married, being married, being happy together, rather than just co-existing, is about negotiating every moment of every day. Learning to put his needs ahead of mine is too simplistic of an explanation. For me - honoring him is honoring me and honoring our marriage. For him it's this - she is the love of my life, and I will do anything, while maintaining my integrity, to keep it that way.
We waste time fussing and fighting over odd things - FoxNews vs. NPR, partnership vs. marriage, TV vs. computer, Republican vs. Democrat, medicinal marijuana vs. chemical marijuana. We've learned to nip these disagreements in the bud (or butt), usually with a smile, then a laugh, then a hug, and an "I'm sorry, this is ridiculous. We cannot let our precious time together be spent on such nonsense."
Yet for each difference there are 8 similarities that are really quite enchanting - Pepsi over Coke, history over fantasy, poultry over beef, change over stagnation, discovery over redundancy, dark chocolate rather than milk, together rather than separate.
As for me - Scott makes me laugh out loud (I've spit toothpaste over the bathroom mirror more than once), this man keeps me physically warm, his energy soothes my soul (imagine that, my ADHD husband calms me), this man is my strength - my pillar, my rock, my northstar (and I need that constant).
This man is so dedicated to me that some days I wonder if I'm "worthy" of his love. And then I realize my task is to return that dedication, that conviction to us. A wise friend shared this with me, when Scott and I were going through a time of disruption: "You have a male and female side to you. Find the male in you and name him 'Prince.' Find the female side in you and name her 'Princess.' When Scott is hard on you, ask yourself, 'How would the Princess in me handle this situation?' When you are hard on Scott, or when you want to be harsh to him, ask yourself, "Am I honoring the Prince in me by behaving this way?" I try, earnestly, to honor that Princess and Prince, and it has certainly opened my eyes to true love.
So - here we are, married 10 years, and better than ever - we've both lost our cancer weight (35 pounds each), we're heading on a lovely celebratory vacation, and we're making plans for tomorrow - together.
My New Year's Word is "Stronger." This isn't just about me, stronger is for my marriage as well. I'm in.
Happy Anniversary Honey, XO~ R
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