For Keeps
A
long time ago – two years and two months ago – a very determined man fell in
love with a very determined woman.
They
both had experienced their share of life’s ups and downs: rejection,
acceptance, failures, successes, good days and bad days. They both dreamed
about being loved and accepted – with no strings attached - but like any good
fantasy, this was only available as a dream.
The
woman: reared two beautiful children and one bothersome spouse. But life was,
for the most part, good. The woman lived in misery and self-loathing for a few
years but decided this wasn’t living, only existing, and vowed to live her
life, regardless of the cultural fences around her. She spent her good days
learning – both formally and informally. She spent her bad days getting up in
the morning, putting one foot in front of the other, and refusing to let the
evil, anger, sorrow get her down.
The
man: reared four beautiful children, alone. He lived in darkness for many years
with the anger consuming him, and then, in part, becoming that anger. However,
like the woman, he came to the point that existing in the darkness was not
living, and he vowed to repair his life and prepare for the goodness life had
to offer him. He became a fine example, to those around him, of a man who could
face his weaknesses and turn them into strengths.
Oddly,
these two people happened into each other upon occasion, but mostly during the
unhealthy years. They were both intrigued with each other, curiosity rather
than desire, and with their lifestyle differences, only saw each other from
afar, and moved on by.
The
man had one unfulfilled goal – to find a woman who was like his mother:
intelligent, sassy, confident, and not afraid to stick up for herself. The
woman had three unfulfilled goals – graduate from college with a Master’s
Degree, fall in love with a community, and get out of her marriage.
Surprisingly,
the man’s goal came to fruition at the same time as the woman was accomplishing
her last goal – each totally unbeknownst to the other.
During
one autumn, the woman ended her marriage, sold her home, gathered her two
children into her arms, and moved home – home to her parents.
Two
years previously the man had given his last child in marriage, put his
belongings in storage, and moved home – home to take care of his aging parents.
As
the woman was just beginning her life (as a single woman, that is), she, no
longer carrying her marriage baggage, the man was praying for God to bring someone
into his life, so he could end his fifteen year sabbatical as a single man.
One
blustery, snowy, late autumn morning, their paths crossed. The woman walked out
of her front door, in her gym clothes, ready to drive to the gym. At that same
moment, the man was getting out of his car and walking toward his front
door.
The
woman thought: “Well, well, look who is back at his parent’s - might as well
acknowledge him.”
The
man thought: “Is she or isn’t she single?”
Their
conversation went something like: “Hi, Scott. Looks like we’re both living at
home, again. How are you?”
“Yup,
fine.”
“Hey,
you’ve been single for awhile. Tell me, how is the single scene here in the
Valley?”
“Sucks.”
“Oh,
great. Well, any suggestions for a single woman here?”
“Stay
away from the LDS Singles' scene. It’s not good.”
“Oh,
OK.”
“Hey,
it’s snowing, come stand under the porch.”
And
they stepped out of the snow and into the safety of the front porch.
“How
old are you?”
“Forty-five.”
“You’re young; I’m almost ten years older than you. But whatever, don’t go to the LDS Singles' dances. They are a meat market; lots of stuff happens there that isn’t healthy.”
“OK.
Well, better get to the gym.”
“Hey, we should go to lunch sometime.”
What
the woman said was:
“Well,
thanks, but no thanks. I’m awfully busy; have a son getting married in two
months and a daughter who needs my attention.”
What
the woman was thinking was:
“He
is old; I’m not interested, and I am leaving this valley as quickly as
possible.”
Later,
the woman found out the man’s mother had suggested he contact the woman and ask
her on a date. The man felt a little
roasted, but not burnt.
The
woman went about her life, as did the man. They saw each other, running in and
out of their houses, but no occasion availed itself for conversation.
The
son married; the wedding was over; Christmas was quickly upon the woman and her
tiny family, and life was wonderful. Two days after the wedding, the woman and
the man happened to walk out their front doors at the same time. Coincidence!
“Hi,
Ronda,” he said.
The
woman thought: “He knows my name?!”
“How
was the wedding?” he asked.
The woman thought: “He knows there was a wedding?”
“Do
you have time, now the wedding is over, for lunch sometime?” he continued.
The
woman thought: “Oh, what the heck, I’m leaving soon, why not – free lunch and
conversation!”
“Sure,”
she said.
“How about after Christmas? I’ll give you a call and arrange for a time to go to lunch.”
“OK, sounds good. Thanks; bye.”
The
woman thought: “Yeah; he won’t call. He’s just being nice.”
And
yet, a day later the man called, inviting the woman, not to lunch, but to
dinner. The woman gave the man her cell phone number – so her parents wouldn’t
become concerned or curious about this man who was calling to arrange a date.
The
woman was fearful; she had heard many stories about older, experienced,
hardened men and their dating tactics. She ran to a friend for ammunition, and
received congratulations instead.
“That’s
awesome. Not many newly-divorced women in this valley get dating opportunities
without joining a dating service, being part of a bar scene, or suffering
through the humiliation of an LDS Singles’ Dance. Congratulations. Consider
this a free meal, an adult conversation, and don’t worry. You know his family;
you’ll be fine.”
Christmas
Eve day the man called the woman, on the family phone, which was answered by
the woman’s mother, and the man and woman talked. He said he would pick up the
woman at 5pm on December 26, 2003. They would go to dinner and a movie.
“Wait,
a movie?” the woman thought. “That’s not
wise on a first date. He’s going to pull some moves. What if I don’t like him?
He’s old; what if we don’t have anything to talk about? Oh, wait, I’m a
folklorist; I can always ask him questions about himself. Everyone likes to
talk about themselves.”
“Sure,”
she answered.
Christmas
arrived, and that evening the man called to wish the woman a Merry Christmas
and to tell her he was looking forward to the next evening. The woman wondered
whether or not she should ask the man to meet her at the restaurant rather than
picking her up at the house. The woman wondered whether or not to tell her
parents that she was going on a date – a date with the man next door.
The
woman told her parents and her daughter, the day of the date, that she had a
date with Scott Weaver. The parents were surprised, not aware the two were even
aware of each other. They stated that he was a nice man, but perhaps, because
of the close-knit, and closely watched neighborhood, it would be best if they
were to meet elsewhere to begin their date. Then they changed their minds and
decided Scott could pick up Ronda at her parents’ home.
Scott
arrived at the door at the exact appointed time. He had on a baby-blue sweater
with a t-shirt showing at the neckline. He smelled wonderfully earthy. Ronda
was dressed in black pants with a rusty-orange sweater and a white camisole
showing at the neckline.
In
the deep blue Mustang which Ronda had begun to notice, they drove to Mimi’s for
dinner. Scott ordered a Cobb Salad; Ronda ordered an Asian Salad; they both
ordered Diet Pepsi's. Over their drinks Scott informed Ronda that he was a
recovering alcoholic, used to be a 4-pack a day smoker, a womanizer, had been
excommunicated from the LDS Church, rebaptized, single for 15 years, and had
reared his 4 children during their teenage years. All of this information was
shared in one deep breath.
After
an exhale and an inhale, Ronda pulled out the Alcoholic’s Anonymous card she
had been carrying in her wallet for more than 20 years. The Serenity Prayer was
on one-side and the 12 Steps on the other.
Scott
was surprised and delighted.
Conversation
ensued, and they began to see their 10 year gap closing and their life’s
paralleling each other.
With
dinner over, Ronda went to the restroom before leaving the restaurant. Walking
toward the door, there stood Scott with her coat and purse slung over his arm.
She smiled.
Thinking
they were on their way to a movie, Scott surprised Ronda and drove her to
Trafalga Miniature Golf Course, for a game of miniature golf. Ronda was
surprised, and she became quite self-conscious. She was not terribly athletic,
and her ineptness at this game would definitely become apparent.
Scott
was very relaxed, friendly, and a little too accommodating. This made Ronda a
little leery, and she remembered what her friends said about men wanting to
prey on the newly-singled women in the valley. However, when he reached to
brush her hair off her face, when he wrapped his hands around hers to show her
how to hold the golf club, when he high-fived her for her hole-in-one, she
couldn’t help but wonder if his gestures may be a part of who he was, not a
game he played.
With
the grueling game of golf over, they now proceeded to the Provo Towne Centre
Theater to watch “Cheaper By The Dozen.” A stroll through the mall prior to the
movie gave the couple another opportunity to do some small talking. Nothing
about it was too memorable, but Ronda was enjoying a good conversation with a
kind man, and Scott was happy to be with a woman for the evening, one who had
no expectations but for a friendly evening. While the movie was entertaining to
her, it was not nearly as entertaining as her watching Scott laugh and laugh,
out loud and regularly, at the antics in the movie.
The
movie ended, and a fresh blanket of snow had covered the ground while they had
been in the theater. The Mustang was parked a ways away, and with the walks
slippery, Ronda slipped her arm into Scott’s arm. He turned, smiled, and said,
“I was hoping you would do that.”
Scott
took Ronda home, opened the door for her, shook her hand, thanked her for a
nice evening, suggested that perhaps they go out again, some time soon, and
then walked across the street to his home. Both doors closed, and the evening
ended.
Two
days later Ronda got off the airplane and onto home territory – home as in
Northwestern Alabama. She was there to spend time exploring her options – after
all, she had a clean slate, no plans for the future, and no commitments to
anyone other than her children. With that in mind, she was looking forward to
seeing if there were employment opportunities in the area, checking on housing,
and just seeing if The Shoals still felt like home. Everywhere she turned there
were open doors and open arms. Ronda realized that in order to live the life
she wanted, she would have to leave Utah, yet moving to The Shoals was still
comfortable and known territory with an already built-in network of friends.
Her date with Scott was enjoyable, but it also brought to her mind the
knowledge that she really didn’t want to date Utah Mormon men; finding other
men similar to Scott, in Utah, was most likely a dream - or a nightmare. However,
her date with Scott had given her the confidence she needed – maybe she was
attractive, pleasant, fun, bright, able to date and some day, have a
relationship.
After
a wonderful few days in Alabama, Ronda flew back to Utah, having the peace of
mind knowing her time in Utah was winding down. The day after arriving home,
Ronda noticed the movie, “Cold Mountain,” was playing. This was a book Ronda
had thoroughly enjoyed reading and she wanted to go see the movie. She
remembered that Scott had a passion for studying American history and so she
decided to take a chance and give him a call, inviting him to attend the movie
with her. No other motives... just two people who understood the Civil War era
attending a movie.
Ronda
called Scott’s telephone number only to get an answering message. She decided
to leave a message inviting him to the movie.
A
few minutes later, Scott called back, happy that Ronda had called, and happy to
see the movie with her, the following evening. Scott volunteered to drive.
The
following evening Scott picked Ronda up and they drove off to the movie. Scott
was surprised Ronda had bought the tickets and made the evening’s arrangements.
He said he had never had a woman do this, prior to that moment. Ronda thought
that was odd.
As
they left the neighborhood, they approached the first stoplight entering into
town. As the stoplight turned red, Scott asked Ronda how her trip to Alabama
was. Ronda shared with him her excitement about the prospects for teaching
positions there and how she was now trying to decide whether to leave for
Alabama toward the middle of January or wait until May. Scott turned to her,
and with a tone of sadness stated, “I’m so sorry. I was looking forward to
getting to know you.”
The
light, chatty mood that had previously been in the car changed to one of
dullness, and Ronda turned to Scott, placed her hand on his shoulder, and
attempted to tell him that he would have a few weeks or months to enjoy her
company, based on the happenings of the next few days.
However,
as Ronda fumbled to find appropriate words, deep in her heart she knew she
would not be leaving Utah County any time soon, and that Scott would be more
than just someone to attend an American history movie with.
Scott
took hold of Ronda’s hand, and did not let go of it the entire evening. After
the movie they went to the Village Inn for hot chocolate, and they spent
several hours discussing their past, their present, their future, their dreams,
their disappointments, their lives. By the end of the evening they both knew a
relationship was in the works.
This
evening, their good-byes ended with a short hug. This was nice for Ronda, but
she was just a little scared about what was looming ahead of her.
The
following day, Sunday, January 4, 2004, Ronda attended her parents’ church.
Sitting in the back with her parents, she turned to find Scott sitting behind
her and to the left. Ronda had a déjà vu moment as she remembered all of the
times she had attended her parents’ ward and noticed Scott, seated in the back,
wearing cowboy boots, jeans, a sports jacket, smelling of cigarette smoke, head
down. She shook to think the man she had been on two dates with was the same
man who she had been rather intrigued with over the past fifteen years. She
looked over at him once during the meeting and couldn’t help but think of the
irony. Her prayers the previous night told her she must talk with Scott that
day, and talk honestly about herself and him.
After
the Church meeting was finished Ronda quietly motioned to Scott to meet her in
the foyer. He did. Scott told her how nice she looked – she smiled. Ronda asked
Scott to go on a drive with her, to talk, and she honestly expected him to say
that there was nothing to talk about, and that he would call her during the week
– a quick brush-off before Ronda could even think there was a hope of a
relationship – only a kind man speaking kind words. Yet early that afternoon
they drove up Provo Canyon.
Ronda
told Scott she had wild oats to sow, that she didn’t want a man in her life
right now, that she wanted independence and freedom. She suggested they not see
each other any more because she didn’t want to use him as a convenience. Scott
smiled, said he wasn’t running away, that he wasn’t scared by her words, that
he was fascinated with her and her story. All this while Ronda was driving in a
snowy white canyon. They pulled into the parking lot of a picnic area up the
right fork of Provo Canyon. And they talked. They talked about what they wanted
from a relationship and from each other.
Scott
said he found Ronda physically attractive and that he had been a gentleman and
had made the decision that he would not kiss her until she was ready. Ronda
laughed – she had wondered why this obviously passionate man, who had been
celibate for many years, did not have his hands and lips all over her. She
decided to release this tension, and she asked him to kiss her. Here were two
adults, parked on the Sabbath, up Provo Canyon, making out. Ronda said Scott’s
kisses were like a welcome home. Comfortable, warm, passionate, tender,
enveloping. Scott said good things come when one is least expecting them.
They
left the park, drove to Heber City, where at the Walker’s Service Station they
kissed, in public, for their first time. Ronda’s head was spinning; Scott was
talking about what he found attractive in a woman, and they both knew their
lives had changed.
Yet
Ronda continued to pursue jobs out of state and refused to allow her deep-held
dreams to be interfered with. A couple of times she attempted to scare Scott
off, or was it to test his staying power? She told him she wasn’t a simple
person – life is complicated – she had a relentless drive, and she needed some
life experiences before committing to anyone. She worried about the intenseness
of their relationship; things were moving so fast, and she was worried she
would burn out, and so she ran – but this time instead of running away, she ran
toward prayer. And her answers were the same as those she had been receiving
for the past five months. “Be Still, Peace, Be Still.” Ronda knew she couldn’t
run anymore, especially from the goodness that had been introduced into her
life. Another answer was “Courage;” courage to follow her heart instead of her
head.
A
whirlwind courtship ensued, with this couple sharing their lives with each
other, discussing families, dreams, fears, favorites, talents, hobbies, and on
and on. If they weren’t talking with each other, they were thinking about each
other and compiling lists of questions for when they were together. Discussing
the logistics of their relationship was a high point of their early visits: Two
people, stubborn, strong-willed, neighbors, no children at home, no homes,
willing to take risks, ready to be true to themselves, together. They surprised
themselves.
On
January 8, 2004 Spring semester began at Utah Valley State College. As Ronda
pulled into the school’s parking lot, her cell phone rang. It was Scott. Ronda
expected Scott to say, “This town’s too small for both of us, I think you
should pursue a job back East.”
Instead
he said, “I love you.”
Ronda
told him thanks, but to please not love her, that he shouldn’t be wanting her
in his life. Then she asked him if he could tell her this to her face. He said
he would and to be ready at 9pm for his confession of love. Ronda hurried to
her first class of the semester, her mind split between this man’s words and
how on earth she was going to make it through teaching four classes with this
phrase on her mind. As she was about to enter her first class, her cell phone
rang again. This time it was the American Folklife Center of the Library of
Congress, inviting her to Washington DC for a job interview.
Ronda
quickly reacted with a, “No,” I am going to have to pull my name from the
pool.”
“What
am I doing?” she thought.
“Peace,
be still. Courage.”
That
evening, Scott arrived with a dozen red roses in his arms and out of his mouth
came the words, “I love you.”
The
month ahead was filled with long talks, fun evenings, dinners and drinks
together, attempts to blend families by introducing children to each other and
pointing out their similarities, negotiating a dating routine that wouldn’t
have them colliding with nosey neighbors, negotiating ex’s, and loving every
minute of being in love.
Ronda
thought: “How many people get a second chance on love? Who would I rather be in
love with than a man who understands my weaknesses and strengths and isn’t
afraid of either?”
Scott
thought: “I have finally found a woman like my mother. I have finally found a
woman who doesn’t judge me by my past, my job, my income, but who loves me
because of all of these things.”
On
February 7, 2004 Scott and Ronda made their relationship public. They sat in
church – together – on a pew, something Scott had not done in ages. The worship
service ended, and Scott went to his meeting and Ronda to hers. This was the
first time Ronda had stayed for the women’s meeting, and she was handed a slip
of paper to fill out to introduce herself. She answered the question, “Where
were you born; what do you do; do you have a family; what are your hobbies,
etc.” She almost laughed out-loud at the final question, “What are your life
plans for the next three months?” Most of the women knew Ronda – they had seen
her for years coming and going from her parent’s home, and so they were happy
to have her in this meeting. Ronda filled in a few blanks with the answers to
her questions, however only two women could have suspected her answer to the
final question.
Her
answer: “I will be preparing for my marriage to Scott Weaver.”
Smiles,
heads lifting, turning, gasps, whispers, and words of congratulations could be
heard and seen throughout the room.
Scott
and Ronda decided on a wedding date, May 4, 2004. Scott and Ronda decided on a
wedding date, March 20, 2004. On February 17, 2004, Scott and Ronda decided on
a wedding date, Feb. 27, 2004. Ronda said she would marry Scott – and they
built their wedding rings out of symbolism – silver and turquoise, the metal
and stone for communication, higher power, and unity.
They
met siblings, friends, co-workers, and all of them shook their heads and
smiled, smiled at the fairy tale unfolding in front of them. They commented on
how calm Scott and Ronda were when they were together, how comfortable they were
with each other, as if they had been together forever.
With
no house between them, they look for houses. And, the perfect house is in front
of their eyes – the home owned by two of Ronda’s friends – they are leaving
their house and are thrilled they can turn the home they have loved over to
Scott and Ronda. There is a library in this home – which can be filled with the
books of these two – and as a symbol of the spiritual and intellectual pursuits
they valued.
One
late night Ronda begins to doubt her head and her heart. “Is this love real?”
“Am I fooling myself?” “What does Scott really want – is he only after a young,
innocent, newly-divorced woman?”
Scott
suggested they pray. Which they did. A calmness came over both of them, and the
words which have become Ronda’s mantra again return, “Peace, Be Still.
Courage.” A Norah Jones song came on the CD player, “Come Away with Me;” a song
Ronda loved the first time she heard it. She and Scott wrapped their arms
around each other and danced to this song. As Ronda stepped back and gazed into
Scott’s beautiful blue eyes she knew, knew for a certainty, that Scott was the
man for her, and her doubts and fears faded into the background as their music
and their love took the main stage.
Scott
and Ronda decided to say good-night to each other at 10pm, but they could not
quit talking with each other, so late-night conversations become the norm, with
Ronda calling Scott, once he arrived home, and they talked for hours. One night
Scott said the words Ronda had wanted to hear her entire life, “You are easy to
love,” and Ronda sent up a prayer of thanksgiving – she had longed for this
simple kindness.
The
week of the wedding early-morning conversations were included in their courting
ritual. With neither of them sleeping much, they woke, got dressed, and then
ate breakfast at Jim’s – they didn’t want to be away from each other.
Ten
days went by quickly, and suddenly it was February 27, 2004. A honeymoon to
Bryce Canyon had been planned; a 3-week motel reservation had been made (the
wedding date doesn’t coincide with their move-in date), and the wedding was
planned, complete with a wedding cake, courtesy of Ronda’s aunts, wedding
flowers, thanks to a daughter-in-law, and family and friends have arrived from
around the state. Even Ronda’s uncle and his girlfriend catch the wedding bug
and are married in Elko on their way from Boise to Orem for the wedding.
At
1:42am, on February 27, 2004, Ronda wrote in her journal,
“This is it. I’m marrying Scott Dickson
Weaver in 17 hours. It’s really him – Scott – the man I didn’t even dare dream
about. This is not the Scott I thought I knew – the man walking under a cloud,
sitting at church, alone, arms folded, head down. I wondered about this Scott,
who he was, what his story was, but I saw an impenetrable man who didn’t want
anyone inside.
This is definitely not the Scott I know
– kind, gentle, affectionate, smiling, cute, eager to live. I shake my head and
giggle just a little whenever I try to merge these two men together. I want to
know about this other Scott; I’m intrigued by him, and I am so glad that my
Scott can share his stories with me.
I’ve been anxious and edgy these past
couple of days. Scott has been patient with me; he’s stayed near me, helping,
asking questions, being teachable, and eager to learn.
I’m tired – big day tomorrow.”
And
it was a big day – snow, guests, a cake to finish decorating, nails to paint,
hair to do, children to calm, refreshments to finish assembling, and a million
questions to answer. Scott and Ronda were both happy they had chosen a small
wedding rather than a larger event. This definitely simplified the chaos.
The
wedding time arrived, and Ronda’s parents’ front room and dining room were
filled to the brim with guests – loved ones, ones who have been supportive and
will continue to be extremely important to the newly-weds.
Ronda
and Scott began their long walk down the aisle at Scott’s parents’ home. They
walked across the street in a light bright white snow. Entering Ronda’s
parents’ home “Wildwood Flower,” played on their guitars by Ronda’s children,
Tyler and Jenna, greeted them. All heads turned as Scott and Ronda walked
toward the front of the room. Ronda’s father introduced everyone and spoke
longer than they wanted.
A
dear friend, Julie Hill, sang one of two songs, daughter Julie recited a poem,
and then Bishop Engstrom stepped up to begin the wedding ceremony. However, he
talked forever, and the new about-to-be-weds wiggled and squirmed. The bishop
continued his sermon, and soon Scott turned to Ronda and said,
“Let’s
just get married; I don’t think I can say anything besides, ‘I do.’”
Ronda
had written vows she wanted to share with Scott and their friends, but Scott’s
desires were her first concern; so she consented – no vows.
Finally
the bishop invited the couple to stand by him. Ronda was so giddy – no one had
ever seen her quite so excited, cheerful, happy. She could not quit smiling,
and their friends caught this elation, and the enchantment permeated the home.
Scott was anxious, and he was ready to sign the wedding license long before the
Bishop finished his words of advice. Ronda heard, “Scott, do you take . . .”
and that’s all she heard until, “I do.” What marvelous words! Ronda heard,
“Ronda, do you take . . .” but she was so thrilled to be this close to marrying
the man of her non-dreams, that she couldn’t listen to another word, until she
was prompted to say, “I do.”
“I
do,” two words that symbolize a lifetime of commitment, a lifetime of caring, a
lifetime of intenseness and passion – good and bad, for better and worse, in
sickness and health. This newly-wedded couple had talked about the meaning of
commitment many times, what it means to grow-old together, and they think, with
their age and experience, they know what they mean when they say, “I do.”
Julie
sang another song, and Tyler and Daniel, the two sons, signed the wedding
license as witnesses, and as a symbol of joining these two families together.
The
wedding cake was cut, shared, and the celebration began. Scott and Ronda were
anxious to leave the crowd and to begin their lives together. As quickly as
common courtesy allowed, they left, quietly.
Anxiousness,
jitteriness, high-school giddiness, fear, trepidation, anticipation, all of
these emotions were evident as this couple walks up the stairs to their
honeymoon suite and up the stairs of their new ladder of life-experiences –
together. Were they prepared – as prepared as any newly-wedded couple can be.
Were they anxious – yes, there were moments of butterflies. But paramount in
this armful of emotions was the overwhelming sense of peace and serenity this
beautiful young, old, new couple carried with them.
Grow
old with me; the best is yet to be.
Each day will be better than the last, and growing old is no longer a
fear;
because we will grow together.
because we will grow together.
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