Cancer Does Not Discriminate -

A young woman I know died last week from cancer that began in her breasts, went to her brain, landed in her lungs, and she was dead within 9 months of diagnosis. She left behind a devoted husband and 2 year old child; they had been married less than 5 years. They were a beautiful family, obviously in love, and they had just moved in to a new home.

Today I spent time with a woman my age, whose husband has been dying of cancer for more than 8 years. His miraculous remission was taken away from him a few weeks ago, when his tumor reappeared, choking off his liver, kidneys, gallbladder, and intestines. This woman has been his primary caregiver for all of these years, defining herself through his cancer and related illnesses that needed nearly 100% of her time. She has no idea who she is, who she wants to be, or even how to begin thinking about this, yet she has been preparing for this time for so very long.

On Thursday I had the opportunity to visit with a young mother just finishing her last treatment of chemo, and preparing for her 30+ rounds of radiation. She's scared; not of the treatments, but of "what's next." Her life has been so wrapped up in the false security of cancer treatments, that she's lost sight of the world around her, and yet she's so anxious to get back into that world that her anxiety is controlling her. And she can't go back to who she was, and tomorrow is filled with the fear of the unknown.

Damn - cancer sucks, and it is no discriminator of age, stage, gender, livelihood.

The young mother who died last week? And who knew her days were quickly coming to an end? She wrote her obituary, and these were her closing words:

"...but it occurred to me that this life is about the fight for immortality, not for mortality."

Cancer Sucks

Prayer - This I Believe -

Every autumn children in our church congregation gather to "perform" during our worship service. This year their theme is "I am a Child of God."

In this era of social media and social shaming and blaming and the frenzy to point fingers and look for the suspicious, I am grateful for what I know - yes, know. And that is, my Heavenly Parents listen to me, and they answer my pleadings. And while the media and the vocal minority may say Mother is missing, equality is missing, women are shamed and men are blamed, and faulting the Other, and there is so much pain and poverty and hurt and depression, I count.

There have been so many times I've sang this song: "A Child's Prayer," to myself, to comfort, guide, reinforce, and plead for help. When I've doubted, when I've hurt - emotionally, physically, intellectually, when I am empty beyond words and hopeless beyond measure, these words bring me comfort. Prayer works for me; and wherever my prayers land - earthly or heavenly, they are received, listened to, and returned to me.

And in #MeToo, as the male teachers (there are men and women teachers, but this was sung only by the men) stood to sing along with the Primary children two weeks ago, goosebumps came.These teachers/fathers were singing this as their promise to the children, as well as their Heavenly Parent's promise. I know they are good men, they want the best for their children, and they will do anything to protect them - yours and mine, as well as just be good men - who for all that is bashed about them, are kind, want the best, and strive to be their best.

Lyrics:

Sung by children: 

1. 1. Heavenly Father, are you really there?
   And do you hear and answer ev’ry child’s prayer?
   Some say that heaven is far away,
   But I feel it close around me as I pray.
   Heavenly Father, I remember now
   Something that Jesus told disciples long ago:
   “Suffer the children to come to me.”
   Father, in prayer I’m coming now to thee.
2. Sung by adults:
3. 2. Pray, he is there;
   Speak, he is list’ning.
   You are his child;
   His love now surrounds you.
   He hears your prayer;
   He loves the children.
   Of such is the kingdom, the kingdom of heav’n.     

1. 
   

   
   

Design Mom - Abortion -

This piece:

I'm a mother of six, and a Mormon. I have a good understanding of arguments surrounding abortion, religious and otherwise. I’ve been listening to men grandstand about women’s reproductive rights, and I’m convinced men actually have zero interest in stopping abortion. Here’s why…

If you want to stop abortion, you need to prevent unwanted pregnancies. And men are 100% responsible for unwanted pregnancies. No for real, they are. Perhaps you are thinking: IT TAKES TWO! And yes, it does take two for _intentional_ pregnancies.

But ALL unwanted pregnancies are caused by the irresponsible ejaculations of men. Period. Don’t believe me? Let me walk you through it. Let’s start with this: women can only get pregnant about 2 days each month. And that’s for a limited number of years.

That makes 24 days a year a women might get pregnant. But men can _cause_ pregnancy 365 days a year. In fact, if you’re a man who ejaculates multiple times a day, you could cause multiple pregnancies daily. In theory a man could cause 1000+ unwanted pregnancies in just one year.

And though their sperm gets crappier as they age, men can cause unwanted pregnancies from puberty till death. So just starting with basic biology + the calendar it’s easy to see men are the issue here.

Go to the blog to finish reading, and don't forget to read the 600+ comments. 

With Gratitude to Barre Toelken -

I was recently made aware that my folklore hero is on hospice care in Logan, Utah. We age, I know, yet I am saddened to see one of the greats reach toward his next adventure. Several of us were encouraged to send him a letter, and I know whether Barre hears my writings, read by a daughter, or not, writing this has been cathartic. And I limited my words, but could have continued my list for quite some time.

Here goes -

Dear Barre,

I am saddened to hear that your health is failing. I am grateful for the lessons you've taught me over the years - through classes and lectures as well as through the ways you have lived your life. Let me share, if you may.


1. Organize well and expect the best. The Fife Conferences were amazing opportunities for me to learn and grow and associate with folklorists of the highest caliber. And they came to USU because you invited them and because they were invited. And the lectures were intellectually stimulating and entertaining. I never felt like my time was wasted or my dollar ill-spent.

2. You can entertain and teach at the same time. Your sharp lessons and wit kept me listening and staying present, just because I didn't want to miss out on one thing you had to say. I knew I could hang my hat on your every word, and I embraced every moment I had to do so.

3. There is such a thing as long-distance education. Barre, two of my saddest times as a student were learning that you would no longer be teaching and that you would no longer be on my thesis committee. I looked forward to spending a few moments with you and learning about my abilities through your perspective. However - learning from those whom you taught as well as reading your writings gave me some of the education I would have received from you. Thank you.

4. Music is the international tongue. How many folklorists are musicians? Oh I envy you bunch! And the quality of musicianship that comes from each of you just overwhelmed me. I remember the first time I heard you sing - it was at a Fife Conference. You reached for your guitar and began playing and then singing, a sea-shanty - I think it was Roll the Old Chariot. I was mesmerized. I closed my eyes, and I was in the Northeast on a cold windy day, smelling the salt air, and listening to a bunch of burly sailors singing, with you leading them. Your voice did me in, and I looked forward to hearing you sing. My last experience was a couple of years ago at the Utah Folklore Society open house held in your home. There was a music circle, and you led the group in some amazing tunes. My daughter was with me, and she was spell-bound. I was so jealous of those who were able to learn these songs from you.

5. Lastly, but I could go on and on - you taught me, "So What," as one of the most valuable questions a folklorist could ask! And this made sense, and I've taught it to my more than 1000 folklore students over the years (and given you credit). So What - what is the value, what does it mean, what is the purpose; two words wrapped all of this inquiry up so well and complete.

Barre - you are my idol in the folklore world. If I could have been a Barre groupie, I would have jumped at the chance - and I know you definitely had a following. Thank you for the lessons - taught by you without a text. Thank you for your example of seizing life, living to the max, and embracing every moment and every person. You have been my example, and I wish you peaceful waves, calm weather, a pocket of tobacco, and a bottle of your favorite drink, as you continue on your journey.

My sincerest love, Ronda Walker Weaver (Utah Valley University, USU grad 2003)

Word of Wisdom Part 2 -

Today in worship service we sang this song. And I had to smile, based on the previous post. Aaah, the reminders we receive, when we're not looking!

PS - it wasn't quite this reverent, rather more buoyant and light, particularly with children singing as well.

1. In our lovely Deseret,
Where the Saints of God have met,
There’s a multitude of children all around.
They are generous and brave;
They have precious souls to save;
They must listen and obey the gospel’s sound.

(Chorus)
Hark! Hark! Hark! ’tis children’s music–
Children’s voices, oh, how sweet,
When in innocence and love,
Like the angels up above,
They with happy hearts and cheerful faces meet.

2. That the children may live long
And be beautiful and strong,
Tea and coffee and tobacco they despise,
Drink no liquor, and they eat
But a very little meat;
They are seeking to be great and good and wise.

3. They should be instructed young
How to watch and guard the tongue,
And their tempers train and evil passions bind;
They should always be polite,
And treat ev’rybody right,
And in ev’ry place be affable and kind.

4. They must not forget to pray,
Night and morning ev’ry day,
For the Lord to keep them safe from ev’ry ill,
And assist them to do right,
That with all their mind and might
They may love him and may learn to do his will.

Text: Eliza R. Snow, 1804-1887
Music: George F. Root, 1820-1895

Rant - Word of Wisdom -

I have a friend I walk with on Wednesday mornings. We have great conversations, typically honest banter, without drawing conclusions on any of our topics. We've spoken about marriage, second marriages, negotiating steps and holidays and responsibilities, children, gifting, nutrition, health, snoring, and addiction. We talk religious and secular, beliefs and actions, regrets and hopes.

Recently we discussed the Mormon way of breaking down the goods and bads of the Word of Wisdom - which emphasizes a path for maintaining a healthy body (the body is a temple), including exercise, balanced nutrition, and no tea, coffee, tobacco, alcohol, or illegal drugs, which is the primary thrust of the Mormon perspective of this Wisdom. For the most part, the Mormon conclusion is if you're not partaking of the above, and living the rest of the Wisdom following the "moderation in all things," dictate, you're doing well.

There is great history surrounding the very practical reason for this Wisdom, and historical presentations of when and for whom it was observed. What was once practical and advice, is now seen as revelation and command. Over the years this Wisdom has been brought to the forefront of science, as the need for eliminating harmful habits, including smoking. However, over the years the benefits of a cup of coffee or a glass of wine have been shown to be beneficial.

Yet, if we take a critical look at the Wisdom, and there has been document on document written about the Word of Wisdom, Mormons fail to emphasize moderation - perhaps the basic point of the Wisdom, which is - "sparingly" (D&C 89:12-14). And, the particulars do not specify anything other than the use of tobacco, hot drinks (soups, cocoa, Postum? - coffee not ok, caffeinated soda - good or bad?, chocolate?), and defining grains, fruits and vegetables, and meat, and the use of them (sparingly).

And, interestingly, another emphasis is on the blessing of being able to "run and not be weary and shall walk and not faint" (vs. 21).

And if you're obese, from not following sparingly or moderation, you cannot receive that blessing, correct? And if you smoke, drink tea or coffee, use alcohol, or illegal drugs, you cannot receive this blessing. If you ask a child or a teen about the Word of Wisdom, they will respond with the pat answer, but no depth. Yet this Wisdom is pounded in; ask a little child about this doctrine, and they will clearly explain no tea, coffee, smoking, drinking - but that's where it ends.

Often Mormons are interviewed by their religious leaders to determine their worthiness to spend time in sacred temples and fulfill "callings" in their congregations, while typically not a cause for a change in membership, although feels of guilt, or chastisement, for "breaking the Word of Wisdom" is a true emotion. A question is, "Do you observe the Word of Wisdom?" And typically that means what I've mentioned above with tea, coffee, etc. And we answer "yes," more often than not, but have been known to feel guilty or to answer , "No, but . . ." with justification. Yet what about the unspoken, but more powerful parts of the Wisdom?

Why is there not more attention played into this for members of the Church? If I'm obese, I'm not observing, but I am deemed worthy (often because, well, we don't want to hurt feelings), yet if I smoke, I'm deemed unworthy. But how about if I'm eating Paleo or Ketogenic, following the Atkins diet, or eating vegetarian?

Come on folks - seriously? Isn't it time to pat ourselves on our backs for what we know and do, but perhaps take a deeper look at what the Mormon culture sees as acceptable when observing the Wisdom and what seems unacceptable?

Think about it - and in the meantime, I'm off for a cup of -

(Mormon joke - Do you know how to tell a Mormon from a non-Mormon? By the temperature of their caffeine. [If you don't understand, ask a Mormon, a great topic for conversation.])

http://www.mormonthink.com/wow.htm

Susan Fitch Design

Looking for Happiness - A Mindful Practice 5 -

"Stop looking for happiness in the same place you lost it."

I've been seriously practicing Mindfulness now for 8 months. And I must say I am feeling more calm than I have in years. In fact, the last time I remember being this calm and "cool" was Thanksgiving of 2005 (Thanksgiving dinner at our house, most of the kids there, and I sat on the couch and visited with the kids while Scott and some of the kids cleaned, and for me to remember this moment is pretty telling.).

First of all, I have been on anti-depressants for nearly as long, and what I think they've done is given my body, spirit, mind permission to calm down, but I've still had to learn the skills.

I've been reading two books, but the one that has helped me the most, and has pushed the things I've learned and I've already known to practice is The Untethered Soul; The Journey Beyond Yourself, by Michael Singer. While this book and Singer, are not without controversy, what he teaches has been truth to me, and his words and suggestions for practice have been the nourishment my angst-ridden soul has needed.

Singer teaches that we need to rearrange how we deal with good and bad emotions. Typically, when bad emotions - whether they come from a wrong, a misdeed, an insult, a thought, something that is bothering, we grab onto it and stew over it for hours, if not days. It surrounds us, encompassing us. And when we can't solve it, we tamp it down inside, stifling the emotion, pushing it deep inside ourselves, so there's more room for the wrongs that come our way, because that's how we're supposed to handle the bad, "If you can't say anything good, don't say anything at all." We examine the wrong, hold onto it like a precious stone, and we don't let go of it. In fact, we can often recollect, years later, the wrong, because it's still inside us, easy to pull out and take a look at anytime we'd like.

Sadly, that's not the norm when something good happens to us. We hold it for a moment, then brush it off, and move on. We may hang on to a small ounce of goodness, but we often think, 'Great, finally," then let it go.

Singer suggests that we switch these two thoughts - holding on to goodness, forever in our hearts, and, after taking a look at the wrong, letting it go. Think of the beauty we would all experience if instead of hanging on to bad, we hold good inside of us, and tamp it down, to make room for more good. And the more good we hold, the more room we have for good. Rather than embracing the bad, we embrace the good.

I've been working on this - rather than embracing the worry, anger, concern, tomorrow's, yesterday's, fears, I've examined them, taken a look to see how they can best serve me (rather than me serving them), and then let them go. This is so freeing! I've had more time to be present, living in the here, living in goodness, being aware of now. This, of course, has helped me in being more generous to myself and to others. And, this has given me more physical, emotional, and spiritual space to hold on to the good (although I'm still having a hard time always accepting the good), and to examine the good, to relish the good, to keep that good close to my heart.

www.happify.com

A Mindful Practice Part 4 - Here and Now -

Before my diagnosis, I was always trying to get somewhere else. 

Now I try so hard to be present. 

This practice has had a huge impact on all I do, 

whether going, staying, doing, being, worrying, centering. 

Six Year Cancerversary - Living My Truth -

I am learning that my cancer was about more than cancer. It was about teaching me about me. Six years ago I began the cancer leg of my adventure, and I'm still traveling, and learning. Cancer has changed the way I see the world and my place in this place. 

Willa Cather, one of my most favorite authors, having written painfully lovely books, such as O Pioneers, My Antonia, Death Comes to the Archbishop, in her memoir about her days in the Mediterranean, “Le Lavandou,” writes, “One cannot divine nor forecast the conditions that will make happiness; one only stumbles upon them by chance, in a lucky hour, at the world’s end somewhere, and holds fast to the days, as to fortune or fame.”

Abraham Maslow presents the idea that, “Whereas the average individuals ‘often have not the slightest idea of what they are, of what they want, of what their own opinions are,’ self-actualizing individuals have ‘superior awareness of their own impulses, desires, opinions, and subjective reactions in general’.”

Martha Washington is attributed to having said, “I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances.” 

“Joy seems to be a part of an unconditional wish to live, not holding back because life may not meet our preferences and expectations. Joy seems to be a function of the willingness to accept the whole, and to show up to meet whatever is there. It has a kind of invincibility that attachment to any particular outcome would deny us” (Kitchen Table Wisdom 171). 

2 Corinthians 1:4 says we are comforted in our troubles so that we can provide comfort/compassion to others during their trials. 

Yet, I am just a person living life on life's terms, and hard things happen. 

Pics by Nick - 6 years ago this week, just after receiving my diagnosis. 

Second Chances - Again -

Six years ago this week I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I went through two surgeries, four months of chemo, thirty-three radiation treatments, and a dozen or more “procedures,” and more than eighteen months of recovering from just the visible physical wounds. My life has changed in so many ways – good and bad, yet I am beginning to be grateful for this journey, it has been quite an adventure. Cancer treatments steal life, cost exorbitant  amounts of money and time, mess with relationships, and take years and years to recover from, if one has the luck of recovering.

Cancer has changed my beliefs – strengthened them in so many ways and in ways I’ve left some beliefs behind. Cancer has changed my self-perception, making me more strong and secure and very self-aware and self-conscious.

Cancer killed one Ronda and has brought another to life. Cancer strengthened my marriage, strengthened my resolve to be true to me and my beliefs, and has made me aware I was given life upon life upon life of chances to get mine right.

I was having a conversation with a friend the other day, and she asked me who my God was. And for lack of thinking too deep (because cancer killed my ability to think fast), I said, “My God is a God of second chances.” She looked puzzled, so I replied, “God has given me so many chances to get my act together, to decide what it is I believe in, to be kind to others, to serve, to fix my wrongs, to say I’m sorry, to say I love you, to clean my inner-house, to get rid of regrets, to simplify my life, and to decide how I want to move forward in this life. And my Higher Power has done that again and again throughout my life in so many many ways.” I have had so many chances to begin, again, and I am so blessed.

Pretty powerful blessings in my life. I'm not stuck, or doomed; I am changeable, because life goes on, and opportunities come and go, and I will grow and learn and develop when opportunities, or terrible diagnosis’, come my way.

I am grateful for the good and bad and terrible and tough and beautiful experiences I’ve had in my life – they’ve given me a chance to reevaluate where I’m heading, where I want to go, and how I want to get there.

          Cancer sucks – I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, and I think I’ll always be learning from this second chance.