Internal Struggles -

Gosh I hate going through my bi-annual "Who am I," "What do I believe in," "Am I being my best self," "How do I stay real," internal argument. This one's lasted longer than most years, and I think it was intensified by a med combo that really messed with my peace of mind. And while I'll blame the nudge to Gabapentin and horrible nerve pain, my internal struggle never ends.

And this year it's been a little more burdensome; I'll be 60 in 2 months, and I really really should be more settled than I was 10, 20, 30, 45 years ago - and I'm not. The things in my religion and my culture that bothered me then bother me now - and it shouldn't be that way! I've even looked through my journals and notes over the years, and I'm still trying to make sense of real and true and authentic and honest and right and fence-sitting and standing for something and my long-lying question, "Should I stay or should I go?" Gabapentin did nothing to pacify me (nor my neck, shoulder, elbow, wrist, hand, fingers).

So this time around I have applied my mindfulness techniques, particularly that of being still and staying in the moment - absorbing those emotions - fear, guilt, failure, doubt, defiance, faith, hope, and using these as my guide, rather than me being the lead.

I've been amazed, to the point of teary more than once, and humbled to the point of shaking my head in gratitude for being allowed by the worlds around me to receive.

For instance - just when I needed confirmation I was living authentically I had a patient call for an appointment. And when a small portion of their story was shared, I heard my own story, and I knew I could help.

A patient, whom I care for deeply, and whom I was prompted to call all last week, arrived at the hospital this week in terrible shape, and I've been able to meet her husband, be with her husband, hear his story, and stay present.

I was overwhelmed with too many to-do's, and an order was wrong, and my to-do list made smaller.

A beyond beautiful sunset last night, and I had a crossing-in-the-parking-lot encounter with a young man who looked up and west at the same time I did, and we shared a very intimate moment - full of gratitude.

I was supposed to be out of town on business beginning today, and the way was muddy, and I don't operate well in muddy. So I changed those plans, and the sky cleared.

I prayed for peace, and I was given it. I asked for guidance, and I was guided. I sought help in my helping and was directed. I chose not to micro-manage, and the consequences were stunning. I changed directions and was shown the way. I looked for beauty in my day, and it was in my face.

My struggles are real; not any more real or ginormous than anyone else's; yet when I choose to be still and listen, I find peace.