Ch Ch Ch Changes - I Walk By Faith -

 Very few things stay the same. And I've written about this since the day I found my tumor and began this blog.

So what's next? As I dive into my 61st year, I'm pretty darn content with where things are, and I do love consistency, and I do love change, and I love stability and reliability and dependability, and I love new and different. Redundancy, in my book, is definitely evil.

Over my years I've learned the one thing that stays the same is change, but I've also learned the my passion for change has been based on my level of security.

I've been a chaser of change, often creating unnecessary change myself, just so I could keep "going." One of the things I'm learning, is that going is not a necessary ingredient in change. I've lived on outside influences affecting the inner me, and these days I'm relying on the inner me being to create change.

Having stability in a marriage, a career, with my self, has allowed me to continue to change, but not in the typical visible arena.

My changes have come with a deeper understanding of Grace. A better knowledge and practice of Mindfulness. An examination of my relationships and a commitment to them. A better understanding of love, because of being loved, and then reaching out more, because I have that within. I thought in "losing myself I would find myself," yet I've found it's been "In finding myself, I'm able to lose myself."

I'm not running because I have found what I want - peace, serenity, internally.

I had planned on a second tattoo for my birthday, 60th, monumental, and wanting my tattoo to reflect my internal compass. That tattoo - "I Walk By Faith," on the outside of my foot. A way of reflecting how I have lived my life, and how I want to continue to live it. And notice, I began this paragraph with "I had planned," and this is to say, something hit me late last week, and I'm still not sure what it was, except to say I don't need this visible reminder of my internal compass. I do walk by faith, and I don't think that will ever change. It is by the Grace and Goodness of my Higher Power that I am here to walk, and it is through my faith in that Higher Power and in my life's purpose, that I will continue to walk - sometimes blindly, sometimes boldly, in Faith.

So - ch ch ch changes - the change is this - I love where I am. I am at peace with my journey. I am a product of my life experiences, and the "I am" is the most important phrase to me right now.

I've gone from finding myself to being myself; from proving myself to knowing myself.

There are changes ahead, and I'm not scared, worried, fearful, anxious. I walk by faith -

https://i0.wp.com/bravegirlsclub.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2018/07/braveliving-bravegirlsclub-change.jpg?resize=640%2C427

Chef Fatima Ali -

I've been following this young woman's rise as a celebrity chef. She's pretty amazing, and then she was diagnosed with cancer, and then again, and my heart was breaking for her, and I thought she was so brave, so bold. 

And today I learned she has died. And she died as bravely as she lived. So much strength, power, life. So wise, so young. Too young. 

She ends her interview, that's printed in Bon Appetit online, with this: 

It's harder being miserable than it is to be happy.

So wise, so  young. Bon Appetit, Fatima. 

Finding Myself -

Often I will read, "I found myself thinking," Or, I find myself wondering," and I have to laugh. I tell my students, and others who write this phrase, "You cannot find yourself unless you have an out-of-body experience." "If you're going on a walk-about, a soul-searching journey, you may find yourself, but most likely, you will always be connected with you, so finding yourself is a phrase that is irrelevant."

Over the years I've thought of "finding myself." What does that entail? What am I looking for? Whom am I wanting to find? And if I don't know myself, how can I find myself?

I've learned over these past few years that "finding myself" is not about a search, a process of looking around for some"thing." Finding myself does not mean trying on clothes, roles, jobs, hairstyles, glasses. I no longer have to seek out for my identity, for validation as to my goodness/badness, for the cultural and familial stories that I've allowed shape my search. Finding myself does not mean an outside "doing" look for me. Because I am here, I am not somewhere else!

Finding myself then means stopping, looking inside, and seeing me. And when I did this for the first time I was scared; this was a scary experience for me to slow-down, stop my running, and BE. The idea of already knowing me was overwhelming, particularly because I have been a doer. I go, do, not reflect, be.

My fears included - what if I don't like the me inside? What if there isn't anything inside? What if I stop and can't get started again? What if I'm lost?

It took me believing in me to really stop and "see myself" rather than "find myself." And I like what I saw/see. And this looking inwards to "see myself," I'm "finding" that I don't need to hurry like I used to, I don't feel the panic to do, I don't feel the urge to run outside and shop, play, move move move. Instead, I'm good with my own space, my self, me.

I'm not a hermit, I'm at peace. Being at peace allows me to Do, rather than doing allowing me to Be. When I give this to myself, to my soul, I am, and in that I am, I can give.

I am found. I only had to stop to see me.

Mother Teresa wrote,

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered;
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you’ve got anyway.

I can't do any of this if I am not available to myself. 

Lawn Mowing -

It's been quite some time since I've mowed a lawn - particularly because I have a husband who is obsessive about his lawn, and I know I couldn't cut like he cuts. However, this week has been a lawn mowing week -

You know - gauge the weather, clothe up - making sure to have closed-toe shoes on and my reading glasses off, gas up, and go, go, go. Stopping only to dump the clippings, and then only idling the lawn mower, not turning it off.

That's been my week. And I am proud to say - not only did I mow my lawn but about 18 others this week, and my shoes are only mildly grass-stained, my hands only sore from tightly holding on, and my eyes just beginning to water from being exposed to the elements.

I have held family meetings, counseled people who are fearful, hopeful, angry, adjusting, dying, trying to live; taught UVU classes, oriented BYU chaplain students, attended meeting after meeting, visited my own patients, attended the funnest Jazz BB game, seen the chiropractor and the doctor, participated in hospital opening-day exercises, visited with children, hugged and kissed my husband, and slept a little.

I have not - eaten at home (my refrigerator is as close to empty as if we were headed on vacation), done the laundry, read (anything besides work-related material), been to the gym (although I've averaged well-above my daily step count), or stopped to smell the roses.

I haven't finished my week's commitments by any measure, yet I am confident I can - and I am amazing myself that I've been able to keep my grip and keep the energy going without breaking too stinky of a sweat.

Life is good; this is my folklady's adventures!

Oh, Are You Teaching . . . Again? Rate My Professor -

Yes, I've been asked this twice in the past few days. How should I take that?
Yes, I "retired."
Yes, I have a full-time job.
Yes, I'm crazy.
Yes, I love UVU.

So there, I'm teaching, again, and I'm happy to be with college students - I'm always learning from them, great reciprocity. And - according to Rate My Professor, they're rather happy to be with me.

Ronda Walker Weaver

Ronda L Walker Weaver

Ronda Walker


“In learning you will teach, and in teaching you will learn.” ― Phil Collins

“The job of an educator is to teach students to see vitality in themselves” ― Joseph Campbell

“I’ve come to a frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element in the classroom. It’s my personal approach that creates the climate. It’s my daily mood that makes the weather. As a teacher, I possess a tremendous power to make a child’s life miserable or joyous. I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration. I can humiliate or heal. In all situations, it is my response that decides whether a crisis will be escalated or de-escalated and a child humanized or dehumanized.”
― Haim Ginott

Thinking Critically - Gray or Plaid -

My grandmother taught me a short poem that's been an integral part of my life since I was a little one.

If good is white 

and black is bad, 

then all my friends 

are gray or plaid. 

I struggle when decisions are made, or conclusions are drawn, irrationally or with an either/or mindset. I know of very few choices that fit in this category. However, I do think learning how to think critically must be taught - because it is human nature (or society's) to align ourselves with "one side or the other." We're told we can't be fence sitters, and yet - what is wrong with living "in the middle." 

I can think of so many scriptures, quotes, lessons that focus on "Choose ye this day who ye will serve," and yet life is not always a "this or that," "black or white," "left or right," mentality. 

When I am pushed into making a quick decision without thinking it through rationally, I feel trapped, and I shut myself off from other opportunities, other perspectives, and I often close the door to learning. 

Yet culture demands a "stake in the sand," and requires us to never waver. And then - because we've committed to never wavering, we commit to never hearing other perspectives, or accepting because we committed rather than critically thinking through what we've been told to think. 

I see this particularly in my work and in my religion (it abounds in politics, but I'm not going there). There is so much contention and angst in my culture, and yet very little contemplation, more reaction, and a demand to take sides - "You know what is right," "Your heart will tell you," "If you're one of us, then this is the 'ONLY' way." And I beg to differ. I will research, pray, contemplate, think through, and then make a rational decision - based on my own ability to think critically. 

I won't be told - and that is often unacceptable. Yet thinking gray and plaid has given me some wonderful experiences, led me to some great learning moments, and availed to me opportunities that I would otherwise never have. 

Why limit ourselves to black and white when we live in a world of color? 

A great place to start to transition to critical thinking is to use the Buddhist teaching of “not knowing.” When we open to the fact we don’t know everything about the situation we are softened.

The very first day of class, I read my course philosophy, and I reiterate throughout the semester that critical thinking - asking why, how do I know, what does that mean, are paramount to developing intelligence: 

"Believing you understand something occurs precisely because you don’t. Don’t be afraid to question your own opinions and beliefs." (Ronda's class syllabus)

"Each time we choose a both/and mindset over an either/or mindset we release ourselves from having to find someone to blame, and we stay connected to our human experience without dehumanizing another person.

"A both/and mindset doesn’t mean we have to let go of being change-makers in the world. The world needs change-makers now more than ever. But there will never be peace and compassion in the world if we can’t do both—get in the river to feel the power and climb the mountain to see the calm. As one of my teachers at the Upaya Institute said, 'A nudge of calm can shift a storm.' Be the nudge, not the storm." (https://tinybuddha.com/blog/its-not-either-or-the-power-of-opening-your-mind-and-seeing-both-sides/)