Finding Myself -

Often I will read, "I found myself thinking," Or, I find myself wondering," and I have to laugh. I tell my students, and others who write this phrase, "You cannot find yourself unless you have an out-of-body experience." "If you're going on a walk-about, a soul-searching journey, you may find yourself, but most likely, you will always be connected with you, so finding yourself is a phrase that is irrelevant."

Over the years I've thought of "finding myself." What does that entail? What am I looking for? Whom am I wanting to find? And if I don't know myself, how can I find myself?

I've learned over these past few years that "finding myself" is not about a search, a process of looking around for some"thing." Finding myself does not mean trying on clothes, roles, jobs, hairstyles, glasses. I no longer have to seek out for my identity, for validation as to my goodness/badness, for the cultural and familial stories that I've allowed shape my search. Finding myself does not mean an outside "doing" look for me. Because I am here, I am not somewhere else!

Finding myself then means stopping, looking inside, and seeing me. And when I did this for the first time I was scared; this was a scary experience for me to slow-down, stop my running, and BE. The idea of already knowing me was overwhelming, particularly because I have been a doer. I go, do, not reflect, be.

My fears included - what if I don't like the me inside? What if there isn't anything inside? What if I stop and can't get started again? What if I'm lost?

It took me believing in me to really stop and "see myself" rather than "find myself." And I like what I saw/see. And this looking inwards to "see myself," I'm "finding" that I don't need to hurry like I used to, I don't feel the panic to do, I don't feel the urge to run outside and shop, play, move move move. Instead, I'm good with my own space, my self, me.

I'm not a hermit, I'm at peace. Being at peace allows me to Do, rather than doing allowing me to Be. When I give this to myself, to my soul, I am, and in that I am, I can give.

I am found. I only had to stop to see me.

Mother Teresa wrote,

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered;
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you’ve got anyway.

I can't do any of this if I am not available to myself.